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Epilogue...

2 of 2

Breathe.

[Epilogue, is different from the final chapter. An epilogue isn’t supposed to be the actual ending, but just serves as an additional chapter.]

Her eyes opened, almost too quick that caused her to feel a bit dizzy, or is it because of the nightmare? She felt her sweat rolling from her forehead and neck as she breathes a little heavier, but instead of worrying about herself, she had to look at the other side of the bed, to make sure it’s just an actual nightmare, that they are; that she is, still alive.

Minjoo is sound asleep, tucked between the bed and the blanket, and Yujin felt the need to touch the woman…

And there she realized as she lifted her hand how heavy her quivering is, yet continued anyway, pressing her palm on Minjoo’s cheek, letting it stay there for a while, just until her fear fades.

The dream had an impact for sure. It feels real. Yujin can feel her muscle’s force and strength earlier and now that she’s feeling tired also, as if she’s really there, driving the car insane, and what’s more – she felt the anger she didn’t know… she had been keeping for how many days? Weeks? Months…

Yujin, for about five minutes, lies flat on the bed, trying to fall back to sleep while glancing at her wife from time to time, but she just can’t. She can’t even close her eyes for a short period of time, afraid to see all that she had, and what’s after those.

She then sat upright, took one more glance at her wife, and gave the sleeping one a peck on the temple before hopping off of the bed carefully, not wanting to wake up the Doctor when it’s just almost four in the morning.

The younger then went to the bathroom took a towel and washed her face only to get a sight of her own reflection.

She got a bit more mature, that’s a given, time passes. But the marks of loneliness, guilt, anger, remorse, hatred… even after time, they’re still there. A question then formed in her mind, “Did they even heal?”

Yujin went out a few moments after without answering the question and saw her wife still sleeping in the same position as she is on earlier, and so upon making sure that she won’t wake Minjoo, she headed out quietly and walked to the kitchen.

Without turning any lights on, she made a cup of chamomile rose tea to calm her anxious mind, and sat at the dining area. Now looking at nowhere as she thinks, as she tries to decipher the meaning of her nightmare…

Everything made sense, maybe.

But it’s concerning how it’s been around almost a year, eleven months to be exact, since they’ve all accepted what happened and put a period to end it, and then all of a sudden, the dream bothered her. This didn’t happen before, this is the first time within the year, and considering that there’s nothing that could’ve possibly triggered whatever that is inside her, made it even more perplexing.

But highlighting the part where Minjoo asked her, “Why did you… justify me?”

She knows, she has to answer, because it’s a question not from Minjoo, but from her very own self. Who would ask her that in her own dream, right? There’s just one mind controlling the wholeness of your thoughts.

Now, did she really justify Minjoo? Has she neglected something so important to keep them together? Has she forgotten to give justice to herse-…?

“Yujin?”

Her chain of questions was interrupted when that so sweet, soothing voice echoed in her system when calling her name. Her head snapped up, eyes immediately met the sleepy stare of her wife, Minjoo.

“Hey, did I wake you up?”

Minjoo took a seat in front of Yujin and shook her head, “Not really. I just felt you weren’t on my side, I thought you went to work already, but it’s Sunday and just almost four.”

“Ah, sorry.”

“You okay?” There, Minjoo asked.

“It’s still so early, what made you go up?”

But instead of answering the older’s question, Yujin was left in trance once more, questioning her past decision while keeping her eyes glued on her wife who quickly noticed it after a couple of seconds…

Minjoo didn’t utter a word though and just had to examine the unusual, unpaintable expression on her wife’s face. Her eyes are dark, it’s crystal clear even with her source of light being just the streetlamp outside. And Yujin seems to be thinking way deeper than one can see, as she looks unconsciously gripping on her cup of tea.

The older then had to go back and look at her previous actions from a few days ago to see if she ever did something that could anger the younger, but there’s none, as far as she can remember at least.

So, she asked, “Yujin? Any problem?” Now, concerned that there’s something she did yet unaware of.

“A-Ah, sorry. Was I zoning out? Or was I just admiring you? Hahaha.” That for sure, was a fake laugh, even with how smooth she was there with her punch-up line, just with how she felt scratching her head out of awkwardness right after proves it.

“Nothing, I just can’t fall back to sleep after using the bathroom.”

Minjoo bought it, the excuse her wife made despite sensing the dishonesty in tone.

“You? You should go back to bed, don’t you have work later?”

“It’s… our day off, Yujin.”

Minjoo’s eyes squinted with her elbows slowly resting on the dining table, “You haven’t answered my first question, Yujin-ssi. Are you okay?”

That made Yujin somehow, laugh a bit, the voice wherein Minjoo’s trying to be the authoritative one is always an adorable scene to witness, but her chuckles were cutoff when Minjoo stood from her chair and decided to sit on the younger’s lap instead.

“I just woke up but I can sense your uncertainty, Yujin.” Whisper-like, Minjoo commented, running her fingers through the younger’s hair while Yujin instinctively placed her hands on the older’s waist with her eyes up at the view in front of her.

“What is it? Why can’t you fall back to sleep? What’s bothering you?” Massaging the younger’s shoulder and nape, Minjoo asked, maintaining that sweet, calm, whispering voice.

Yujin took the time not of thinking, but of gazing at the woman on her lap, trying to discard the uninvited thoughts, but the more she looks at her wife, the more she wants to question her decision; the more she tries to relax while feeling the light massage on her head and shoulder, the more she feels anxious as if she needs to overthink and burst; and the closer they are… the more she wants to step back.

But why?

This is what she wanted. – And that’s probably the answer to the question given to her by Minjoo in her dreams. But why does she suddenly feel uncontented? As if she lost something…

“Yujin? Hey?”

Minjoo called, but rather than responding, Yujin questioned, “Do you love me?”

The Doctor was taken aback, the question asked wasn’t a simple question even though the other knows the answer. It’s not something you would ask out of the blue. And it might be a bit irrelevant in Yujin’s perspectives, with her thoughts, but she just wants to hear it now…

“Of course, I do.” As an assurance that she made the right decision after all.

And as soon as she heard the response, Yujin wasn’t able to prevent the urge to close the little gap between them, capturing Minjoo’s lips with no hints, no hesitation, with dominance and question of word of honor.

It’s a need, a subconscious need she had to fulfill – to feel her wife as hers, only hers. Again, she needs assurance.

Minjoo probably didn’t know where she should place her hands and wasn’t so sure either how to respond to the not-so-rough kiss Yujin is giving. But there’s one thing she found out and became certain of…

Yujin is having an internal conflict, and it seems like it’s about that.

And so, she let Yujin dominate her, to own something she probably still hates remembering how it was stolen by someone who she was supposed to call, a ‘friend’. She responded to the kisses, not fighting back, just simply accepting what’s being given…

Until Yujin had enough, slowing down, panting a little.

There, Minjoo neither needed to confirm nor ask anything, she just had to rest herself on Yujin’s lap and give the younger a hug, the younger’s back, as if she’s internally telling the Lawyer, “I’m sorry… please, don’t worry anymore.”

She just can’t voice it out, knowing that it might press Yujin’s triggers more.

Minjoo was right there, for a few more moments, comforting Yujin until the latter murmured…

“Let’s visit them.”

And her heart skipped a beat.

Even though the subjects were not vocally mentioned, Minjoo knew who's that “them” without any other clues given already, and she has to push Yujin a bit to look at the latter’s eyes with surprise.

Within the past months, no one had the guts to visit either of the prisoner and dead, Hitomi and Chaewon. Maybe they did try to see Hitomi at least, but the prisoner never wanted to meet any visitor, and so they gave the woman the space she’s indirectly ordering from everyone.

But Chaewon, they all still feel sorry, that's true, but right, no one dared to step on the cemetery's ground after everything was resolved. It’s not like they were trying to forget her, them, or moving on or escaping, but it was as though, they can’t face her yet although she won’t physically look at them eye to eye anymore.

Everyone holds the guilt of something Yujin is currently dealing with in her thoughts, the guilt from the fact that they (unconfirmed and seemingly) justified Minjoo while they can never give Chaewon the same forgiveness and acceptance (was it?) anymore. The unfairness was there, an unwritten injustice also, and those probably are the reasons why Yujin suddenly had a dream of realization.

Minjoo doesn’t know whether to refuse or nod. She will be honest, she’s still not ready to face Hitomi, more… to face the dead. But given that they had spent the eleven months of the year without actually meeting the two, she also knows, she has to say yes…

“Yeah, okay… sure.”

And so, she did.

“Look, I know you’re sti-…”

Minjoo had to cut Yujin off by shaking her head, and had to reply almost abruptly, “No, no. It’s okay…”

“It’s been almost a year anyway. I knew the day will come and we-… I, have to face them.”

The older flashed a tiny smile, and Yujin could only watch that, as she’s still there, thinking about the answer to that one heavy question.

–

They headed to the prison first, where they should find Chaewon’s murderer or should we call her, lover? Honda Hitomi. Yujin chose not to tell beforehand, for their visit to be unannounced, to avoid rejection from the Japanese again.

It’s not only Yujin or Minjoo who needs to face the reality, but also Hitomi, and everyone anyway. Even with her suffering from being locked for a lifetime and remembering all the memories they had now, alone, she still needs to accept that everyone reconciled, without the two of them in their circle of friends anymore, and that there are things she was right about.

“Hey,” Yujin held Minjoo’s hands just above the latter’s lap upon seeing how forceful Minjoo is squeezing her own muscles, “Don’t worry. It’ll be alright.”

It will be, of course…

Because nothing’s fine yet when it’s about Hitomi.

The Doctor nodded, smiled, and held Yujin’s hand back, but as soon as they were about to feel at ease, they heard heavy footsteps and a disdainful greeting, “Look who visited after, how long, almost a year…”

“Love Birds in the prison?”

Hitomi sat on the chair across the couple, noticeable is her blue uniform, and her hands that are cuffed. Yujin remained composed in front of the sinners, and the other one who committed adultery with the murderer’s fiancée just… simply had to lower her head in shame.

Hitomi was a friend, and still, Minjoo wants to see her like that, but given the situation, she has no right to, and Hitomi most likely, will never be willing to view her the same anymore.

And being the one who’s confident enough for not committing anything she should be ashamed of, Yujin spoke, “Good morning, Hi-…”

“Good…?” Only to get halted.

“Right, I only heard that the two of you went back together oh-… I mean, you didn’t even lose each other, right? Now you’re in front of me. Congrats, I guess.”

The Japanese smiled, full of sarcasm, antagonism in her dimmed, dull eyes.

“You probably learned the lesson, Ahn Yujin? Your mornings are all good by now? You’re back sleeping every night with your wife beside you on the bed and waking up to get to see her face first too. You finally learned to cuddle this wife of yours who had been longing for your touch which they said, was the reason for them to-…”

Hearing the next words even before they could completely come out of the prisoner’s mouth, Yujin stopped her by speaking, “We’re here to talk to you… Hitomi.”

Hitomi had a chuckle, soft, but burning. It is because of both Yujin being too protective now and the couple having the courage to talk to her.

“Talk about what?” The former Lawyer/Prosecutor questioned, placing her arms on the steel table, squinting her eyes as she gazes at her former co-employee.

“Forgiveness and acceptance.” Yujin confidently answered, making the prisoner pause…

And laugh, sarcastically.

“Forgiveness? And acceptance?” Laughing a bit more, Hitomi straightened her back and heaved a sigh, “Are these how you… two fixed it?”

She scoffed, “Please…”

“Don’t make me laugh.”

Hitomi shook her head and gave an eye on Minjoo who caught it and had to turn her stare down on her lap for the second time.

“Forgiveness and acceptance…” Hitomi repeated, still looking at the fidgeting Doctor, yet now, the smile wasn’t there to mask her true emotions anymore.

“Can’t fix anything about me…”

“And Chaewon.”

Turning to the younger, “Maybe it did keep the two of you together, but us? How do you think this 'talk' is even necessary, Attorney Ahn?” She asked, expressing so much displeasure.

Yujin is still holding Minjoo’s hand, and the latter could feel indefinable emotions from the squeeze Yujin is unconsciously giving her.

“Hmm…” The prisoner rested her back on the support of the steel chair, flashed another tainted smile, and nodded while crossing her arms then continued, “Tell me, Attorney Ahn…”

“Was it really acceptance along with forgiveness or…”

“An unjust justification?”

Too confident for a sinner, Hitomi shouldn’t be the one to ask such question when she herself, committed something the word “unjust” can’t even be enough for it to be described, and yet, she’s also the perfect character to take the role and ask the younger, as for being another lover who was betrayed, just like Yujin herself.

The silence that kept Yujin made the prisoner have a good set of thirty seconds in her life, while another woman is breaking from hearing nothing from her wife.

Yujin did say it was forgiveness and acceptance, that’s why she’s letting Minjoo live with her with no guilt and regret or feeling of blameworthiness, but upon hearing the question from Hitomi, a betrayed lover…

Minjoo had to rethink as well, or maybe… no rethinking, just direct concluding, ready to confirm what she has in mind for the past eleven months and no one knows.

Then again, after the eleven months of living with unsteady confidence with her wife…

The Doctor felt her tranquility and self-assertiveness dropping once more. Now memories are crawling back, together with them, are guilt, remorse, regret, and hatred towards self.

Yujin then felt Minjoo slowly letting go of her hand, yet even before the older could do so, she already found a way out…

“Maybe the latter?” Surprising Minjoo, or perhaps, breaking the woman by the bluntness and emotionless tone.

“Maybe I did unjustly justify my wife.”

“But that’s not the point here, Hitomi-unnie. We’re here for you, to make you move on with us, not to point what was already done, wrong or right.”

“For me? Yujin…”

“Do you know the difference between acceptance, forgiveness, and make validate of one's mistake? Everyone knows you’re a good lawyer, but do you know?” Here comes the argument, Yujin had to heave once and straighten her back before replying…

“Forgiveness doesn’t equate to acceptance, but acceptance always comes before moving on. It doesn’t matter between the two of us, or within you, whether I did justify Minjoo and Chaewon’s deed, what matters here, is you, yourself.”

“We can just leave you here.”

“We can just forget that you exist, we can choose what we want in order to keep our lives running, but we decided to visit you here and talk to you throughout of these. Now, if you would constantly mind that I became biased of Minjoo, then that’s on you, Hitomi-unnie. If I did? So what? It was my choice, but you…?”

“We’re here to make sure you finally accept everything, so you could at least live your life here with less guilt.”

“We just wanted to give you the assurance that what you felt before, during, and after what you did, were all reasonable.”

Same words, different voices, different faces, different persons...

That was the same quote Sakura said when Yujin was about to give up, and now, she realized where, when, and how to use it.

She finally has the firm answer.

“But if you’re not ready yet, then we shall come back and talk after some time again. You probably still hold the same huge amount of guilt and regret of killing her anyway. Now, if you’ll excuse us… Hitomi-unnie.”

"Ah, one more thing..." Yujin was about to stand, and yet,  "Don't you think it'll help her too once you're finally okay by yourself?"

“If you do really love her, then you wouldn’t want her to worry about you here, right?” She needed to, not ask, but say in an asking tone, letting the betrayed lover use her own critical thinking.

Yujin then finally stood up as soon as she finished, clutched onto Minjoo’s wrist, and dragged the latter out after giving Hitomi one more sharp glance. Once back in the parking lot, Yujin had to stop on her tracks, breathe and feel the gentle air hit her body.

Minjoo felt the loosening grip but she still feels heavy. Hitomi is still mad, and they weren’t successful to make things light for the Japanese, which didn’t make them feel any cheered up also.

“That should do…” But Yujin did do something.

“Even if she would deny it, it’ll hit her, right?” Looking at her wife, Minjoo didn’t respond, had no words, felt no right to voice out an emotion.

"She knows it by now, if not, then I'm sure she'll fall onto realization after some time as well, just like how I did."

–

"Forgiveness and acceptance."

It echoed in her mind, for the nth time, she tried shrugging it off but the more she does, the more it lingers. More when she's currently looking at a certain photo, a photograph her past fiancée had saved in the flash drive she's been keeping.

It hasn't been a day yet, a few hours, maybe, had passed since the married couple visited her, and ever since that, two words crept in her mind heavily, and roughly along with the questions:

"Don't you think it'll help her too once you're finally okay by yourself?"

"If you do really love her then, you won't like her worrying about you here, right?"

While answering those questions, she felt a little unsure of it, whether do Chaewon really loved her or no and so she had to come to the Chief's office, just to see these photos and videos again after several months of avoiding seeing, even the flash drive.

“Chaewon…”

“Hitomi-unnie~”

“This is Wonyoung…” There were suppressed laughs in the background, seems like everyone had gathered to, “Happy Birthday, it is a pleasure for me to be able to celebrate your special day with you. I hope you the best, as always, and enjoy the rest of the day.” Surprise her, greeting her through virtual messages first in front of everyone in the university as the video played on all the televisions.

“Unnie~ You’re surprised, right?” It’s Yujin’s turn, her excitement is showing, “Thank you for staying with us although I know, everyone’s pretty chaotic most of the time. Thank you for being there too, as an unnie, and for being kind.”

The messages followed, until a particular person…

“Hitoma~”

It sounded so different...

“Hitoma??” Almost cringing, Yujin questioned the way Chaewon called the friend and it can be heard in the background, “Why? You call Minjoo all the cheesy names, can’t I call Hitomi “Hitoma”?”

The younger was then heard gasping and whispering, “Why? Are you two dating?” Making Chaewon’s pupils dilate, and the Bread Lover blush while watching with everyone, which she quickly hid by turning her head down a little.

“Unnie, oh my gh---… Are you two dating?”

“Yah, Ahn Yujin! What are you thinking!?” No, they are not yet that time, and no confessions had happened yet, but maybe, just maybe, they both had developed tiny feelings for each other already.

“Then why?” Yujin protested, only to be ignored by the senior.

That’s why Yujin just had to be… “YAH! EVERYONE! Chaewon-unnie is calling Hitomi-unnie “Hitoma”!” a little scandalous and hysterical.

“What?”

“Hitoma?”

“Seriously, Chaewon?”

“HAHAHA, HITOMA!?”

“Since when did you learn making nicknames?”

“Wow, Hitomi must be your favorite among us then?”

“I’m jealous, Unnie!!”

“Let’s call Hitomi “Hitoma” too.”

And they did, as per the older’s request, to tease the two, mostly Chaewon yet the pigment of red is stronger on the Bread Lover’s cheeks.

“Yah! Yah! Are you two dating!?”

Why is this one playing? Why this one?

One chaotic video, everyone’s being a mess, yet they all are surely having fun more than anyone else, and on top of these, they strained themselves to surprise her that day, that they even had to ask for permission to use the televisions and projectors in their university just to make sure everyone will know it’s her special day when they all just can do so simply after classes.

Then she received tons of gifts also, just from these eleven dorks.

She still can remember, even the little things she received from them, not only on that day but from every day of being with them.

Did this automatically play for her to remember and comprehend something she had been ignorant of?

“You miss them?”

Hitomi was in a daze until the chief entered the office to check her. She didn’t notice it sooner, but maybe the man had seen the whole video with her.

“Young, good old days… are always somewhat, despite any circumstances, euphoric to remember. It’s good that your generation had these filming cameras already, I wish we could also. Anyway, I’ll leave you to my new recruit, I have a meeting to attend. Enjoy... watching.”

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