There was something dripping on her face. Sooyoung scrunched up her nose as the cold liquid repeatedly hit her in the middle of the forehead, running down the bridge of her nose. “Sooyoung?” She grumbles as her face is patted on a few times. Slowly opening her eyes they strain at the light, she can still hear music in the distance. 

Opening her eyes fully she’s met with a familiar face. is dry so she croaks out the name, “Jungeun?” The girl smiles at her, Sooyoung feels like she’s in a dream. Looking around at the surroundings she notices all the fancy sport cars and expensive SUV’s. “Where are we?” The girl is flopped on the ground her leg straightened out on the pavement. Sooyoung lifts herself a bit from where she’s leaning on a tire of one of the vehicles.

“Outside Jung’s house. I got someone to drag you out here after Jiwoo kicked your .” Sooyoung groans as she cradles her head. The alcohol is still in her system but she remembers everything. Her picking a fight with Jiwoo because she was smooching on some . Jinsoul being a major to her for no reason. The strange guy in her room and the smell of Dorito’s under the blonde’s bed. The almost kiss.

Sooyoung groans again, not at the pain but at the fact she almost kissed Jinsoul. Sober, with no alternate reason rather than wanting to kiss her. Why? Sooyoung doesn’t know actually. Was it the weird tension? The look in Jinsoul’s eyes as she was about to tell Sooyoung the reason for constant distancing in their history. Maybe it was because Sooyoung had a gut feeling Jinsoul wanted to kiss her too.  

She feels Jungeun’s hand on her thigh, making her look up. “You know Jiwoo’s a black belt right?” 

Rolling her eyes she tries to stand. She hopes the sharp pain in her abdomen is not another broken rib. “Well she’s also a lying cheater so, you’re welcome.” Sooyoung lifts herself up and stares down at her friend waiting for a reaction. Jungeun doesn’t even blink. Sooyoung watches the girl struggle to get back on her feet picking up her crutches in the progress.

“Idiot I broke up with her…why do you think she’s even at this party.” Sooyoung lets her face flare up in anger as the girl laughs in her face. “She’s trying to rebound because I dumped her .” Sooyoung got her kicked for no reason. She should have been kicking Jungeun’s . 

Sooyoung starts to walk and she can hear Jungeun’s crutches behind her. “Why are you here then?” 

The clicking stops behind her making her turn around. Jungeun is staring at the ground before looking up with a serious expression on her face. “No reason.” 

Scoffing Sooyoung puts her hand on her hip instantly regretting because Jiwoo had kicked there, “no reason? You just showed up to a party that your ex went to for no reason?” Sooyoung smiles when she sees Jungeun’s façade break. The blonde screams at her and hits her with one of the crutches. It’s not hard but it’s enough to make Sooyoung apologize.

“Jeez forget about it, I don’t care anyways.” Sooyoung has other things to worry about. Like Jinsoul and if there’s something there or if she’s just crazy. The blonde still follows behind her disrupting her thoughts over and over again. She finally makes it to her aunt’s car who let her borrow the piece of trash for the night.  

Sooyoung pats for the keys in her pocket and realizes something horrible. She forgot her keys in Jinsoul’s room, along with her wallet and everything else. “Goddamn it.” Sooyoung rests her forehead on the window and stares at her reflection. She frowns at the blood on her face but thankfully Jiwoo spared her and only busted her lip open. Her bloodied lip is annoying but even more annoying is that Jungeun was still lounging there like she was waiting for something. “Tell me again why are you still here?” 

The blonde raises her brows and hums. Sooyoung rolls her eyes and slams her palm on the top of the car, “go home Jungeun! Why are you loitering around me?” 

“Because I need a ride.” Sooyoung lets the rage flow out of her. The girl said it plain as day. As if it was a simple request. Sooyoung was going to leave the car here and walk home. Sneaking back tomorrow to get Chaewon to receive the keys for her. But now…she had to go back. Sooyoung wasn’t that heartless to just leave a cripple without a ride. 

Though she would try to persuade, “get it from someone else.”

“No.”

“Why?”

Jungeun rolls her shoulders and shakes her head, “because I don’t want to?” 

Sooyoung prays to god to let her have the strength to not slap the crippled. Forcing a smile she nods at the girl telling her she’ll be right back. Jungeun gives her a sassy okay and goes to lean on the car. Sooyoung wants to throw up when she walks back into the party and everyone starts hollering at her. Mocking her in a sense. She’s used to it. People have always mocked her.

No matter how much she fought there’d always be someone new who stepped up to the challenge to find out what it’s like to piss her off. There’s some guy standing in her way so she pushes him. It’s a little too hard and he trips over a small table breaking it in the process. Ignoring the curses behind her back she heads up the stairs.  

The last feeling she had approaching this door was excitement and a bit of nervousness. Now she just felt disappointment and annoyance. Standing in front of the door she raises her fist, only to bring it back down. Maybe the nerves were still there. But it was a different kinda anxious. Finally swallowing down her fear she bangs on the wood. She doesn’t want to face Jinsoul or even speak to her. 

But she has to do one or the other to get her back. “Jinsoul give me my keys and wallet.” There was no noise in the room but as soon as she spoke up she heard a bang and a bunch of items fall. The door starts to open but Sooyoung grabs the handle and slams it back shut. If Jinsoul were to see her face then she knows the blonde would instantly latch onto her and try to nurse her back to health.

Then probably apologize and then Sooyoung would give in…and she knew she had to be stronger than that. But it was really hard when it came to Jinsoul and she had someone to take home. “Do you have the ?” She wasn’t going to open this door unless the girl had the stuff in hand so she could just yank it out without even sparing her a glace before getting the hell out of there. 

“No…” Sooyoung hates how sad Jinsoul sounds.

Sighing she asks nicely, “then please get the stuff.” The pressure on the door is relieved and she hears small padding in the room. Eventually, there’s a jingle and Sooyoung cracks the door open and holds out her palm. Jinsoul doesn’t place them in her hand though. Groaning she reaches in further and tries to grab them out of Jinsoul’s hand. When she finally feels them in her hand she lets out a happy noise and pulls. She realizes her mistake when the door is pulled open as well.

Now Sooyoung finds herself pulled close to Jinsoul. Who looks like she’s been crying. Sooyoung knows she needs to run when the blonde’s bloodshot eyes are scanning her face. When they lock onto her busted lip Jinsoul goes to touch it but Sooyoung quickly pushes the girl’s face back with her palm and yanks the keys out of her hands before darting out the room and down the stairs. She bumps into some guy but she doesn’t even bother to look back.

Jinsoul recuperates from the assault and runs out her room. She watches as soon runs into the crowd, “Sooyoung!” She’s gripping tightly on the banister and she feels chills down her spin when the person Sooyoung bumped into comes into view. It’s her fiancé and he looks pissed. Jinsoul slowly backs away into her room. She can only hope he didn’t see Sooyoung’s face. Slamming her door she locks and deadbolts it. Tonight wasn’t supposed to be like any other birthday for her. But somehow she ended up ruining it. 

Like she does with everything else.

Sooyoung runs up to Jungeun who is picking at her nails and holds up the keys. The girl only shrugs not knowing the importance of the weirdly shaped metals or the suffering Sooyoung just had to go through to get them. “Please just get in.” Sooyoung finally lets out a breath of relief when she starts pulling out the driveway.

“So um…”Sooyoung is drumming her fingers along to the song on the radio. She glances over to Jungeun who is leaning her head on the window. “Where do you live?” The blonde doesn’t say anything, actually she doesn’t even move. 

Sooyoung thinks she’s not gonna get an answer so she just focuses on driving. “Can I go home with you?” The older girl is almost shocked at the tiny voice. 

“Yeah sure, is there any reason?” Sooyoung wonders if Jungeun is the type to hide things when she’s upset. A lot like Jinsoul does. Sometimes the girl could be so emotional and other times it was like it was empty in there. Jungeun seemed empty most of the time though.

Sooyoung lets her heart clench when she hears Jungeun’s response. “It’s too quiet there.” There must be more to that. She understands that she almost knows nothing about Jungeun at this point. Only the basics. Maybe Jungeun and Jinsoul were a lot alike in a way. Or at least to Sooyoung there were similarities. 

Not really knowing what to say she asks, “How long was I out?” 

“Over an hour...” Sooyoung smacks her lips a bit. That must explain why she didn’t feel that tipsy or anything. She doesn’t have anything else to say so the rest of the ride is an awkward silence. It continues to be that silent until they’re both in Sooyoung’s bed. Jungeun’s crutches across the room and each of them on the opposite ends. 

Sooyoung’s bed is getting wet from her hair. She showered a little after Jungeun did and the bruises on her body were starting to show. She knew she’d be sore tomorrow. They had practice tomorrow and then countless games. One after another. The season would start full swing. Right now it was just a warm up and Sooyoung was excited for it the real fun to begin, only that her partner…her true partner was sitting right there beside her.

It’s killing her, the bombarding thoughts of Jinsoul. And what better way to get them out of her head then to talk about them, “Hey Jungeun can I talk to you about something?”

“Please I’m bored out of my mind.” Sooyoung frowns at the girl.

Scooting herself further onto the bed she starts to ramble on, “so um you know how I said I liked Jinsoul?” She looks over to Jungeun and she nods, letting Sooyoung have the permission to continue. “Okay well I think she likes me too.”

Sooyoung hears a gasp from beside her but she ignores it. “I have this gut feeling that she does. We almost kissed at the party I know we did.” She starts to relive the moment while standing up. Jungeun watches closely as she starts to pace the floor. “We’ve kissed before, when we were kids and at some club a week ago and even in high school there she um…anyway but this time it was different, I think she wants me like I want her. But she’s so confusing. One minute she’s all over me and then the next she’s cold, wants me ten miles away I honestly don’t know.”

Jungeun hasn’t said anything yet so Sooyoung keeps talking, “as soon as we get too close she finds some way to push me away. When everything starts getting real she wants distance. Just when we were about to kiss some guy walks in, I don’t even know who, some douchebag she’s probably talked to before but then her whole mood changed after that. She was about to kiss me Jungeun, and then she was telling me that we’re not close enough to share our secrets.” 

“She doesn’t?” Sooyoung pauses and turns to Jungeun who seems perplexed. 

Sooyoung tilts her head to the side. “Huh?” 

“Nothing go on…”Shaking her head she continues to pace the floor. She hopes it’s not too much for Jungeun to take in. 

Jinsoul was so unfair to her, she always was. “Ever since we were thirteen she was like this. One day she just decided that she hated me and told me to never talk to her again. My whole ing high school experience was trying to win her friendship back, trying to get her to like me back. Then all the sudden she pretends none of it happens and wants to be friends again. She acts like it’s the end of the world when I ask her to tell me the reason why she did that to me. Why she,” Sooyoung throws her arms up and air quotes, “hated me…” 

She then goes to sit directly beside of Jungeun pointing in the girl’s face, “but you know why I think so?” The blonde raises her almost non-existent brows. “Because I think she liked me just as much as I liked her.” Jungeun’s brows fall like she doesn’t actually believe Sooyoung. The girl turns to look at the carpet. Jinsoul was like some conspiracy theory. “But she’s scared…for whatever reason. She’s afraid of being with me or maybe she’s confused or I don’t know something that’s why she pushes me away.”

It’s silent so Sooyoung fills it with more words, “I tried to convince myself that we’re just best-friends, that have some kind of or gay tendencies but I’m tired of lying to myself. I like Jinsoul…I love her. She’s my best friend but I want more than that. Should I even try though? What if she’s just one of those girls that kiss you but then next five minutes she says no homo and acts like it’s normal for best friends to make out all the t-.”

“WOAH...woah okay slow down.” Jungeun starts to blurt out and it stops Sooyoung mid-sentence. Even though she had a gut feeling. It didn’t mean it was true. She could be reading Jinsoul wrong. The girl was very unpredictable and Sooyoung honestly didn’t know what went through her head half the time. There was plenty of instances where friends would kiss…and do other things without feelings involved. Sooyoung’s done it with a few. But with Jinsoul? She’s sure of her feelings but she could be some experiment to the blonde. Maybe Jinsoul couldn’t have ual feelings for a girl or even romantic. 

Maybe it was just fun for her. 

“Is this my karma, for breaking a lot of girl’s hearts?” 

Sooyoung screams when her back is slapped by the other girl who seems to be annoyed now. “No dip this is not your karma.” Sooyoung only nods as Jungeun asks a question, “can you give me like a quick rundown of your guy’s history?” She starts from the very beginning and briefly describes her time with Jinsoul, the good and bad until they make it to the situation that is now.  

Blinking away the tears that are forming she listens to Jungeun who slowly starts to speak out. “I think you’ve bottled this up for way too long first of all, second I know exactly what your problem is and how you can fix it.” 

Jungeun waits for a reaction but gets none. “I think your problem is…that you are too easy.” The reaction she was expected she gets now and it’s not a nice one. “Hear me out, so you love Jinsoul right? And you wonder why she treats you like ?” Sooyoung looks like she’s about to tear her head off but she continues. “You’re so desperate for her attention because you’ve been deprived of it for however long that it only takes a little effort from her to win you over.”   

Sooyoung crosses her arms and leans back allowing Jungeun the go ahead to keep talking, “she knows that and takes advantage of you. So whatever it is she clearly doesn’t want you to know. But she knows that she doesn’t have to give you anything because as soon as she starts that aww Sooyoung baby you’re crawling right back to her.” Jungeun punctuates each word with a pat on Sooyoung’s thigh.

“Want results? You wanna pull her real feelings out of her chest?” Sooyoung may seem chill but she’s on edge. “Start playing hard to get. Give her a taste of her own medicine, I know how hard it is for you to not give into her stupid face where she does the thing with her eyebrows but I swear you’ll be fine.”

Sooyoung raises back up, “and how do you know that will work?” 

Jungeun smiles like she’s some big time detective solving a case, “right now she has you right where she wants you. But what if you go back to ignoring her…you remember all those massages don’t you? Where are they now?” Sooyoung nods her head and it starts to dawn on her. Jinsoul was begging for her at that point because Sooyoung really thought she was done with the blonde. But of course with that much attention she fell right back into Jinsoul’s spell. She had told Jungeun about all of this.

Sooyoung is clingy onto the sheets when the girl mumbles out to her, “I hate seeing you give her everything while she gives you only half in return.”

Jungeun’s plan sounds nice but there are too many holes for Sooyoung, “What if she just goes back to hating me?” 

“Then boom she doesn’t have feelings for you and you move on with your life.” Sooyoung hates the sound of that but maybe she’s right. Maybe she was getting too clingy with Jinsoul, she was too passive. This should work? The best case scenario is Jinsoul can’t stand it and comes running to her constantly and the worst case is…well nothing happens. Her thoughts of this plan go out the window when her phone starts to buzz. Sooyoung dives after it and immediately picks up. Holding it up to her ear she keeps her arm out for Jungeun who is trying to grab the phone out of her hand. 

Sooyoung’s insides melt when she hears the small voice on the other line, “Sooyoung baby I’m sorry, I-can you please come back over so we can just talk about it? I promise I’ll-.” 

The sentence is cut off because the speaker is snatched from her ear. “HEY!” Sooyoung screams when she doesn’t hear Jinsoul’s soothing voice anymore. Instead Jungeun has it in her hands and the girl brings it up to her own mouth.

“She’s busy.” Sooyoung turns white as a ghost as Jungeun hangs up and turns off her phone. She watches the girl sling her leg with her as she makes it back over to the bed and flops down. Jungeun seems angry almost, “see that’s exactly what I’m talking about. You were already getting all gushy. You’re so weak Sooyoung.” Jungeun was right she had no strength at all when it came to Jinsoul.

“If you really want to be treated right…then earn it. By showing her what she’d be missing if you were to really forget about her.” Jungeun knew this game all too well. It was the same one Jiwoo put her through constantly. Except Jungeun was a lot more stubborn than Sooyoung, but Jiwoo was a lot more assertive than Jinsoul. The blonde was totally playing Sooyoung but the reason why Jungeun wasn’t so sure. She was pretty sure Jinsoul had a boyfriend or maybe that was her notorious sister she was thinking of. 

It worked with Jiwoo. Every time Jungeun would dump the girl would come back slinging snot and telling her the truth and then they would be good for a while before the girl would up again. She loved Jiwoo too much to truly let her go though. Maybe that was her flaw. Jungeun hums when Sooyoung speaks out, “so basically you’re telling me to cut Jinsoul off. To see if she has feelings for me or not?” Jungeun only nods her head. “Doesn’t that seem too harsh?”

“She did it to you why can’t you do the same to her?”

“Yea but what if she just wants to be my friend.” Jungeun didn’t really think about that part. With Jiwoo she already knew but Jinsoul’s true feelings were yet a mystery. So when she did come crawling back to Sooyoung was it because she missed her friend or was it because she couldn’t stand the fact she wasn’t close to the girl she was in love with. 

Suddenly she gets an idea. Jungeun hobbles over to turn the lights off and pulls her hair in a low bun before pulling the hood of Sooyoung’s sweat shirt over her head. Sooyoung is confused so Jungeun just tells her to relax as she flops down beside the girl. “Let me see your phone.” Sooyoung clueless hands her phone. Jungeun shakes her head when there’s no passcode on it. Holding up the camera to their faces she starts to record.

Sooyoung stares at the bright screen and screams once she feels Jungeun’s lips on hers. Immediately she pushes the girl away, “what the weirdo I’m not gonna be your-.”

“Listen, you know another way you’re going to get Jinsoul to confess her feelings?” Sooyoung raises one brow skeptical of the blonde in front of her. “By making her jealous.” Narrowing her eyes she supposes that could work. Jinsoul has been jealous before so maybe…

“Okay then let me do the kissing you at it.” Sooyoung offended the girl because now Jungeun was slapping her on the head.  After Jungeun gets her urges out they stare at each other with disgust on their faces. Sooyoung holds her phone up and puts on a show as she makes out with Jungeun. When she thinks there’s enough footage she breaks the kiss and gags. Jungeun does the same as she wiping off her lips.

Sooyoung grumbles as Jungeun proceeds to be overdramatic acting like she was the worst kisser in the world while she trims up the video. It was perfect, you couldn’t tell who Jungeun even was. Sooyoung proceeds to put up a corny caption before posting it online. For everyone to see…but only one person in mind. Jinsoul. 

She ignores the texts the blonde had sent her after the call and lays her phone on the nightstand. Now in the morning, she’d have some stuff to deliberate with Jungeun if the girl reacted it to it at all. And to come up with a new plan if she didn’t.

Jungeun ends up sleeping in Hyunjin’s bed since the girl is god knows where while Sooyoung tosses and turns all night. One because she wants to check her phone and two Jungeun snores like crazy. It’s almost seven AM when she finally gives up on the in and out sleep and picks up her phone to turn it on. She’s scared they’ll be no texts. Or one that says don’t bother talking to me anymore.

Jinsoul couldn’t be that harsh again could she? Sooyoung frowns when there’s nothing. She’s about to throw her phone out the window when suddenly there’s a bazillion of notifications that come through. Or more like sixty-seven. It’s missed calls and texts, even a few face times. All from Jinsoul in the span of a few hours. Sooyoung giggles to herself as she reads the texts.

The first few where her asking who that was on the phone, then it's Jinsoul pleading for a phone call. Sooyoung can’t even count the number of times her name is said in the texts let alone how angry Jinsoul sounds when she’s asking where she is. They’re all punctuated and passive-aggressive. There’s one point where Jinsoul gives up and tells her goodnight, only to text her several more times to pick up the phone.

Sooyoung thinks it’s successful and wakes up Jungeun. The blonde is sleepily reading the texts while cracking up with Sooyoung. The older girl starts to click on her phone and holds it up to her ear. Jungeun doesn’t understand it until she sees the goofy smile on Sooyoung’s face. “Who are you calling?”

“Jinsoul?” Jungeun snatches the phone out of the girl’s hand for what seems like the hundredth time. 

She stares at the girl who seems to not get how to play hard to get. “Are you dumb you’re ruining the progress?” 

“But she wants to talk.” Jungeun can’t believe her eyes as Ha Sooyoung pouts and eyes the phone in her hand. 

Jungeun rolls her eyes, “so? You can talk to her at practice…but play it cool.” Sooyoung watches as the blonde starts to get ready. Sooyoung hopes Jinsoul isn’t too mad at her. She was kinda over the whole let’s play hard to get to make Jinsoul treat you better plan. It didn’t seem like it was gonna work.  

Later on that day, Sooyoung was stuffing her feet in the sand. They were all waiting around for a particular person. “Sooyoung! Where’s the blonde? She’s usually attached to your hip.” Sooyoung frowns at her coach’s words and shrugs. She guesses it was true, she and Jinsoul always showed up together and then left together as well. Usually they were hugging or patting each other someplace on the body when not in a volley. But today Jinsoul wasn’t showing up and it was slightly worrying Sooyoung. Maybe she should call her but one look at Jungeun she knows it’s not a good idea. 

Instead she goes on to practice. Her partner being none other than Kim Jiwoo. The redhead had, of course, apologized a lot actually and then cried while hugging Sooyoung until she couldn’t quite breathe anymore. Practice was bad because well Sooyoung played ty and her coach caught on. She got plenty of chewings and ended up getting a few extra miles after practice. She was expected to be a perfect player.

But how could she play perfectly when the person she worked the hardest for wasn’t even there. Sooyoung stops in her tracks. The sand soft beneath her tennis shoes. There was one person she played for always. Looking out to the ocean she reminds herself of the person who taught her how to swim, how to run. It wasn’t Jinsoul. But why did she start to feel the passion for volleyball again ever since she started playing with Jinsoul?

Was it because?

Sooyoung pulls her shoes off and throws them behind her. Slowly she approaches the ocean and lets her feet sink into the sand as water rolls on and off of her legs. It was the same feeling she had with Jinsoul. This weird push and pull. Sooyoung starts to realize what her father said about love. How every ocean had the moon. How every living body had its own force to help it keep moving. Maybe Jinsoul was her moon but the girl’s been so clouded with mystery it’s hard for Sooyoung to really admire her light. 

Sooyoung may have been wishfully thinking but everyday this pull Jinsoul had on her was getting stronger. Sooyoung wonders if they’ll be able to breathe if becomes too strong or if it’ll be the same feeling as drowning. Was Jinsoul starting to shine bright like she did all those years ago? Sooyoung can only hope she wasn’t the reason why her moon became eclipsed. Jinsoul became distant, but now she was distant as ever because Sooyoung was starting to realize how much she didn’t know about Jinsoul. 

Smiling she splashes the water a bit. One of these days she’ll figure it all out. Somehow, someway. She’ll figure out the mystery the moon is.

And why it’s so intertwined with something as dangerous as the ocean.

…  

Sooyoung doesn’t know how she really got here but she guesses it’s from the lack of attention from Jinsoul. Well not lack of. Jinsoul’s been very persistent, but so has Jungeun in making sure Sooyoung doesn’t give in to the constant rain of calls and visits. Only for Jinsoul to be locked out by Jungeun or her phone confiscated by the girl. It’s been a week now by now she thinks.

The only contact they had was at practice. Sooyoung found it very difficult to focus. Especially when Jinsoul would try to cling onto her only for the girl to run away from Jinsoul because Sooyoung could not handle the girl’s sweaty body against hers. Sooyoung remembers having to control herself while Jinsoul was groping her very obviously while asking if everything was okay and if they can make up already.

It was probably the hardest thing Sooyoung’s truly ever done. She hasn’t said a full sentence to the girl. Even when they were fighting they talked more than this. Sooyoung was starting to realize how close she still was to Jinsoul all those years. Now she felt like the roles were reversed. And it was true this time. 

Sooyoung found herself out on a date with Kyungri. Sooyoung didn’t know if the girl was still having trouble in paradise or not. Or if she was the rebound. Dinner was boring. The girl was incredibly attractive but Sooyoung wasn’t interested. All she did was talk about herself while Sooyoung faintly listened while eating her mediocre food. She doesn’t even remember Kyungri asking anything about her. It was probably the worst date in her life.  

All of this was making her miss Jinsoul. Especially when Kyungri had her in the back of her car, slowly ing her dress pants and untucking the blouse she was wearing. The kisses on her neck were hot, but they didn’t burn. Sooyoung pretends to moan when the girl above her on the skin around her collar bone and long fingers start to push into her pants.

She knows she should be focusing on Kyungri but she can’t stop thinking about Jinsoul. The girl has been on her mind all night. Like she always is. The music in the car is slow. Just the way Jinsoul likes it. The temperature is cool and Jinsoul would be freezing. Jinsoul makes the same small noises Kyungri does when Sooyoung digs her nails into her scalp. “What’s wrong Sooyoung?” She opens her eyes and notices how blurry her vision is.

Raising up she looks at the hand now situated on her thigh. “Um are you not feeling it tonight? I mean we don’t have to I just thought…” Kyungri starts to trail off but Sooyoung doesn’t listen to the rest of it. She’s not even aroused. Kyungri had been hitting the right spots of course. Even better than last time but there was something off. It didn’t feel right.

“Do you like me Kyungri?” The older girl above her blinks and leans up. Sooyoung hears the thunder crack outside. It was another night storm. They had been getting those a lot lately it seems. The girl looks like she’s been asked a complicated math equation. When it was just a simple yes or no answer. Maybe feelings were more complicated than Sooyoung thought. 

She starts to understand how girls probably feel when she gives half assed responses to their confessions. Except she wasn’t hurt by Kyungri. Just annoyed that she wasted her time on someone who’d she used to be like. “Of course you’re like super hot and cool.” Kyungri stumbles out the words and struggles to come up with more.

Sooyoung smiles and starts to button her pants and shirt back up while Kyungri starts to panic. Sooyoung just shrugs the girl off when she apologizes, “it’s fine really. I actually like someone else right now.” The girl seems to be relieved from Sooyoung’s statement. She guesses they feel the same way in this moment. Just using each other for a distraction.

“Actually me too, I mean my girlfriend…but she still won’t talk to me.” Sooyoung nods her head. She almost feels bad for Kyungri but maybe she shouldn’t go around sleeping with random girls if she’s trying to win her girlfriend back. It starts to rain slightly when they get back to the front of the car. Sooyoung’s white button up getting a little wet from the droplets. 

They sit in silence for what seems like an eternity, just watching the rain turn from a slight drizzle to a downpour. “You like that blonde girl don’t you?” Sooyoung hums for confirmation. She had something stronger for Jinsoul then just that. It’s simple really. What she feels for Jinsoul was something she couldn’t describe. The only thing she could do to explain it was to say that she belongs with Jinsoul, it doesn’t feel complete with anyone else.

“You could say that.” Kyungri laughs for some reason. Probably because the situation they were in was funny. At least to the older girl it was. Sooyoung thinks she could have been losing her mind too. They talk for a little while longer and it’s probably the first time she’s enjoyed Kyungri’s company. The girl was much more relaxed and laid back then she was at the restaurant. There she was trying to impress Sooyoung. Now they were talking like friends. When they run out of things to say the girl starts her car and starts the journey back to Sooyoung’s, only for the girl to stop the driver and tell her to take her someplace else. 

She was definitely going to get an ear full from Jungeun if she found out about this.

…

Sooyoung hadn’t perfected her plan on surprising Jinsoul. She also didn’t think about what she was even going to say to her. Oh hey I’m like in love with you so I’m trying to figure you out by ignoring you. Sooyoung snorts at the sentence in her head. All this was so stupid. Maybe she should just ask Jinsoul straight up instead of footing around. But right now was not really the time to be fantasizing over scenarios of Jinsoul feeling the same for her while she was stuck under the girl’s family’s gazebo in their private garden.

Of course Jinsoul wasn’t home and the doors were locked so Sooyoung ran to the back to see that the patio screen door had been locked too. So she had run through the maze of roses to end up in the main square. It was probably the most expensive thing about Jinsoul’s house. Sooyoung is soaked to the bone and it’s a bit cold. She takes her time to try and figure out what she’ll say to Jinsoul. Once she calls her of course.

For now Sooyoung was staring at the pretty lamp hung in the middle of the gazebo and how the warm light brightened the whole area despite having a weak shine. It was weird. Sooyoung shakes her head and looks out into the rest of the garden. It seemed so wild now, it felt detached from the world outside, the walls of shrubs. All the vines and ferns growing around. Sooyoung liked it better un-kept. It used to be elegant but now it was almost magical with the way all the wild flowers had bloomed all around. 

The fountain in the middle was covered in weeds. The trees she and Jinsoul planted when they were younger had grown high. The plants hanging down from the gazebo. Sooyoung couldn’t even hear the city from outside. All she heard was the frogs peeping from the tiny pond surrounding the fountain. 

Sooyoung doesn’t have anything to say to Jinsoul. She just wants to see her. To share this moment of peace and silence with her. But how can she when she’s nowhere near. Holding her phone out she flips through the contacts list. She smiles when she sees the cute photo she has for Jinsoul set up. No matter how cold the rain was. She felt warmer than ever.  

Dialing the number she hesitantly holds up the speaker to her ear and patiently waits. She almost hangs up halfway through but she isn’t given the chance when the line picks up. She hears heavy breathing on the other line so she listens closely. “Sooyoung?” Jinsoul was out of breath and her voice was unnerved. Sooyoung starts to think it’s a bad time. About the hang up she freezes when Jinsoul’s panicked voice comes through again, “Where are you? Sooyoung?” 

Jinsoul must hear the rain. Sooyoung is confused by the blonde’s attitude. “Is everything okay Jinsoul?” She hears the girl scoff over the speaker. There’s no other noise. Just her shallow breath and mumbles. 

“So you ignore me for god knows how long and then out of the blue call me and ask if everything’s okay?” Sooyoung doesn’t speak. Jinsoul’s voice is angry and she can tell when the girl is about to cry. “No it’s not okay, you haven’t talked to me in weeks and-.” Sooyoung grips the phone tighter as Jinsoul’s sobs buzz through the phone. Maybe she really messed up. Jungeun’s plan was way too harsh. 

Sooyoung has to remind herself though. She’s cried over Jinsoul too. But her cries weren’t heard. This conversation wasn’t meant for a phone so Sooyoung quietly mumbles out her location, “I’m at the one place.” Jinsoul tries to cut her crying but it doesn’t work out too well. 

She’s still struggling to speak when she asks for clarification, “the one place…the garden?” Sooyoung only hums, frowning when she hears a clash of glass on the other line while Jinsoul curses. “Stay there, please just stay right there.” The line is cut and Sooyoung stares at the now blank screen of her phone. She guesses she’ll be sitting for a little while. Wherever Jinsoul may be.

Jinsoul tries to pick up the glass decorations she knocked over while talking to Sooyoung. She couldn’t believe she started crying when she heard Sooyoung’s voice, it was like some dream. Or maybe Jinsoul was being overdramatic. The past few weeks she’s been on edge. Mostly because Sooyoung was obviously ignoring her. Jinsoul had never experienced Sooyoung being so distant.

At practice the only time she was allowed to face the girl Sooyoung would just blankly look at her. It was killing her. She really thought she messed it up for good this time. But now she was giving yet again another chance. Jinsoul couldn’t keep hiding. She could tell how tired Sooyoung was getting, she was too. But she was afraid if Sooyoung learned the truth then the girl would pull away.

Too far for Jinsoul’s liking. These weeks have just proved to Jinsoul how miserable it would be without her best friend. She wanted Sooyoung, right beside her at all times. She wanted to hear the girl’s voice, to feel her, to just be able to look at her. How was she supposed to do that when Sooyoung hated her or was upset? Now she knew how Sooyoung felt all those years. Jinsoul couldn’t have gone that long. Sooyoung was stronger than her. She’d always been.

Stepping out of the bathroom she starts to move back into the crowd of aristocrats. She was at a fancy dinner party with her parents and fiancé. She was always being pulled into events she never wanted to be at. She had to be the Jung’s perfect girl. If this was five years ago and Sooyoung had called she would have to forget about her heart in her chest and forget about the girl. She wasn’t doing that anymore. She was tired of putting her feelings on hold for something as trivial as parading around with a man who only sees her as a trophy. While her parents smile every time she explains that she’ll be entering med school even though she was majoring in astronomy.

Walking past a few people she reaches her mom and grabs her on the shoulder. Her mother instantly can tell something is wrong when she sees she’s been crying. “Sweetie are you o-.”

“I’m going home.” Is all that Jinsoul says to her before walking off. Jinsoul ignores her mother’s calls while she steps out into the light rain. Her heels click on the fancy stairs as she stumbles down them. She rushes to her jeep. She couldn’t wait any longer to stay apart from Sooyoung.  

Sooyoung is lounging on the banisters of the gazebo when she hears the heels click. She’s been trying to think of things to say. Maybe she could even get the courage to hint at Jinsoul that she’d like to try with her. Something she’s always wanted to try with her. They’ve already gone so far, why not make sense of it. Sooyoung wanted to know if there was meaning behind Jinsoul’s longing stares and stolen kisses. Or it was just a comfort thing.

Turning around she noisily gulps down at how pissed Jinsoul looks coming towards her. The girl was in all black, something fancy and her hair was a little frizzy from the rain. Sooyoung hates how giddy she feels since Jinsoul had come straight to her from wherever it was. It didn’t help that Jinsoul looked adorable too, no matter how mad she was. Sooyoung is knocked out of her love fool daze when the blonde shoves her back once they’re close enough, “what the Sooyoung?”

Sooyoung raises her brows at her name practically being spat out. Giggling she rubs at her chest. Her laughter seems to calm Jinsoul just a bit and her scowl turns into a tiny smirk before remembering exactly why she’s angry, “you’re such an .” Sooyoung stops giggling and drops her smile. She blankly stares at Jinsoul. Soon the blonde becomes uneasy with the stare until Sooyoung bursts out into laughter again, she couldn’t help to let it out. Jinsoul looked like she’d been electrocuted.

Making her voice deeper and a little dumb sounding she mocks Jinsoul, or more like trying to do a poor impression of the blonde. “Oh hey Sooyoung so nice to see you how are you?” Jinsoul lets her eyes narrow as Sooyoung speaks out and she has to admit she sounds just like the blonde. Changing back to her normal tone she smiles her biggest smile and steps closer to the girl, “Hi Jinsoul I’m doing just fine and yourself?”  

Sooyoung strains to keep her charming smile up because Jinsoul’s gaze is vicious. She feels like is about to be ripped out. “Hmm I don’t know Sooyoung, what do you think?” 

“I’d say you’re doing great, by the way did you do something different to your hair?” Sooyoung steps another foot forward. Jinsoul is in heels so she has to slightly look up at the girl. Not really liking the height difference she gets on her tippy toes so she can be eye to eye with the girl. 

Jinsoul tilts her head and gives her a fake smile, “It’s probably where I’ve been in the rain trying to get to you.” Sooyoung smiles at the heaviness in Jinsoul’s voice. She’d make sure to properly thank Jungeun later. She was enjoying this a whole lot. The thought of Jinsoul making such an effort just to have the chance to talk to her. Dropping whatever it was for her? It left a satisfying feeling in Sooyoung’s gut. It made her believe that Jinsoul wanted her, like she had been saying to herself this whole time.

But the negative side of her was still present. Maybe she’s just being a good friend.

Maybe she’s trying to make up for the past. Being the girl you’ve always wanted. 

Sooyoung wishes Jinsoul would have come running to her back then. When she needed her even more. When she felt like she was at her lowest. But she hated being so serious, “really? I was thinking that you might have fried it in Crisco.” Jinsoul lets out a monotone and curt laugh.  

The blonde goes to say something but nothing comes out. Sooyoung patiently waits. Like she always has for Jinsoul. They just had some stupid fight. There was no reason to act this way towards each other. “I thought I messed up for good this time, I was so scared I lost you over me doing something stupid like that.” Sooyoung is genuine surprised at all the emotion in Jinsoul’s voice, the girl could break at any second. “I…I can’t stand it Sooyoung. Don’t do this to me I can’t take it.”

Sooyoung knows she shouldn’t feel bad for Jinsoul but she can’t help that her heart clenches by the look of pain in Jinsoul’s eyes. She remembers Jungeun’s words though. Sooyoung should be stronger than this, she’s given everything to Jinsoul when the girl has only started to give back. But even then Sooyoung almost thinks of herself being selfish, Jinsoul didn’t really owe her anything truthfully. Sooyoung didn’t think it would hurt to try though, “imagine what I felt like. All those years, and I didn’t even know why.”   

Backing away she goes to lean back onto the banister. Jinsoul rubs at her head not really knowing how to come back from that. Her clothes are starting to become sticky. The rain is long gone but the heat isn’t. It’s just a hot now since she was in a now heavier outfit. The blonde slowly approaches her and leans onto the banister as well, but she’s facing the garden, looking out into the darkness. “You’re right, it’s unfair of me to be mad at you for ignoring me for eleven days when I pushed you away for nine years.” Sooyoung wants to smirk at the fact that Jinsoul was counting the days but she doesn’t want to fade the seriousness of the conversation.

Sooyoung lets the word unfair replay in her mind. Jinsoul had never played fair with her. She thinks that she can start being unfair to the blonde but was that really mature of her? It never got her anywhere in the past when she would tear down Jinsoul while building the girls insecurities. She guesses she can withdraw from Jinsoul every time was unfair since it seemed like it really got to the girl. Sooyoung shuffles her soaked dress shoes almost shy to confront Jinsoul now, “I just needed space, it really hurts when you talk to me like that. I feel like you don’t trust me at all.” 

Slowly looking up from the wooden boards she focuses on the side of Jinsoul’s face, particularly her jawline and how it’s clenching. “Every time we fight it makes me realize how much I need you.” Jinsoul has her eyes still, Sooyoung really isn’t sure on what the girl is staring at but she stops breathing when those same eyes lock with hers. “I think I need you more than ever now.” Sooyoung doesn’t move when Jinsoul turns to her, inching her hand over her own. She digs her nails into the wood at how soft and warm Jinsoul’s hand is.

“I trust you with everything in me Sooyoung. But I’m afraid of telling you the truth because I know you won’t like it.” She keeps quiet. Hesitant to speak and miss out on something that Jinsoul is bound to say. “I have always done things that people have wanted me to do. I can’t remember the last time I’ve done something for myself except for going into astronomy.” Sooyoung nods her head and flips her hand over to firmly grasp Jinsoul’s own. This is probably the most open Jinsoul’s been with her in a while so of course she’s going to be supportive.

“And you Sooyoung. I’ve always wanted you but I had to give you up to keep you.” She doesn’t mean to scrunch her face up at the statement but it’s so confusing. She has no idea what Jinsoul was talking about. The blonde notices it and laughs, brushing off the silent questions by stepping closer. “I don’t tell you everything because I’d rather not hurt you. But I ended up doing that anyway.” Jinsoul shakes her head and tries to pull away but Sooyoung quickly raises up and brings them closer together. She’s begging Jinsoul at this point to tell her anything. Any clue to guide her to figuring out this mystery clouding over the blonde.  

“It’s okay Jinsoul, you don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready.” Jinsoul nods and Sooyoung can tell she’s fighting off tears. 

Bringing her hands around the girl’s back and resting them right at the dip of her spine she waits. “I was just at a dinner party with my parents…,” Sooyoung is confused once again looking into the girl’s eyes for some type of hint. What was so abnormal about that? “And my fiancé.” Sooyoung knows she’s being obvious by the expression on Jinsoul’s face. She doesn’t know what she feels at this point, did Jinsoul say fiancé?

“F-fiancé? Did you say fiancé as in like you’re getting married?” Jinsoul nods slowly and the sob in the blonde’s throat becomes a lot more difficult to contain. Sooyoung is at a loss of words and thoughts together. Should she be angry? Disgusted? Maybe even happy that she can move on from Jinsoul…finally forget about all this messy connection and be there for her best friend. But she knows it won’t be that easy. Especially with the way Jinsoul was looking at her lips.

Sooyoung must have shown a multitude of emotions on her face. Jinsoul was broken in front of her. Shouldn’t she be happy to be engaged? Unless… “who is it Jinsoul?”

The blonde sniffles and rolls her eyes like she’s disgusted too, “his name is Kwon Hyuk he was the guy in my room.” Sooyoung nods her head. She’s never heard anyone by the name of that. He didn’t sound like a nice guy though. She wonders what made Jinsoul fall for him. 

Faking a smile she shakes the blonde in her arms, “well jeez Jinsoul congratulations I don’t know why you were so afraid to tell me. This is kinda a big thing to keep from me.” She hates the weird tension in her voice and how forced her happiness and excitement is. Sooyoung knows somethings up when Jinsoul’s not smiled or anything. She’s just trying her hardest to keep the cries in.  

“I don’t know what to do Sooyoung.” Oh so that’s what it was. Jinsoul must have been confused about all this. Sooyoung recalls Jinsoul’s so-called crush, was he even real? Was she imagining their own connection as well? The panic was starting to settle in. Jinsoul was getting married? To some guy…to someone that wasn’t her. That meant she’d never be Jinsoul’s number one. Not even as her best friend. Sooyoung had fallen out of place once again. Jinsoul was the one in her heart, but was it not the other way around?

Backing away she laughs a bit, throwing the blonde off but she was just trying to calm her nerves.
“Wow Jinsoul, wow…” Sooyoung smiles at her sympathetically and clasps her hands together. She was grinding her teeth together when Jinsoul started to cry. Although Sooyoung wanted to go scream her lungs out and maybe break something she immediately goes to cradle Jinsoul’s body in her arms since she hated to see her cry. Shushing the girl she asks, she’s never been so confused in her life, “why are you crying?”

Jinsoul squeezes her at the same time the rain starts to pour. Sooyoung grumbles at the site of it. She felt like she was in some movie. “Becaur ewe wawn uo tew be miwn…” Even though Sooyoung felt a little empty inside at the moment she couldn’t help but giggle at Jinsoul’s attempt at a sentence. The girl usually mumbled when she was sad but it was even worst since she was sobbing. Sooyoung tries to push her back, her face is stuffed between her neck and shoulder. But it proves to be difficult because every time she pushes back Jinsoul whines and buries her head even more.  

“ I can’t understand you,” Jinsoul finally pulls back and all her makeup has run down her face. Sooyoung wishes whatever thought was making Jinsoul cry would go away. Slowly leaning forward she plants a kiss on Jinsoul’s sweaty forehead. The crying continues but her friend is now smiling. It makes her smile too, Jinsoul was the prettiest girl she’s ever seen, even when she looked her worst.

The girl clears and tries to calm her breath, “I don’t want you to think that you’re not my priority. You will always be the most important person in my life.” Sooyoung feels slightly better from the words but she won’t forget that Jinsoul is getting married to another whole person and she’s soaked from the rain because she thought tonight would go different. Preferably confessing her feelings to Jinsoul.

But both times she’s tried that it’s ended terribly. Maybe she should just give up. 

“Please don’t pull away from me, I need you. I need my best friend Sooyoung.” She smiles and ensures Jinsoul that she’ll never leave her side no matter what, no matter how much she’s hurting right now. They run hand in hand back to Jinsoul’s house. Both getting soaked from the rain. Sooyoung thinks the storm in her heart is colder though.

When they’re drying off from the rain she can’t help but stare at Jinsoul’s profile. How she looked so beautiful in the dim lighting of her room, her features couldn’t be sculpted by the greatest artist. They were too perfect. The thought of Jinsoul not being hers created this weird pull in her body but she was still happy to even be in Jinsoul’s life.  

She should be grateful Jinsoul hasn’t pushed her away yet. Not the other way around. Sooyoung needed to figure her feelings out though. She needed time and space. Because being around Jinsoul just made it worst. She was so attached she had always been. But how was she going to continue being this close to Jinsoul without wanting more?

Sooyoung was sick of herself. She wishes she didn’t want more from Jinsoul. Why couldn’t she just move on from the girl? Why was she so stuck on Jinsoul?

But then again who wouldn’t be stuck on Jinsoul. 

Sooyoung has the girl tucked into her. Jinsoul is now softly snoring into her chest as her mind runs rampant at all the contradicting thoughts. She should be happy for Jinsoul because in the end they are just best friends, but something felt off. There were so many questions Sooyoung had but she knows Jinsoul wouldn’t answer them in the way she wanted. Maybe she should talk to Jungeun about all of this. The girl seemed to know what to do in these situations.

She felt defeated. There was such a slim chance now, actually more of no chance at all. She peels herself from Jinsoul’s sleeping form her heart breaking when the cold hits her when she slips out from underneath the sheets. Sooyoung still hears the rain pouring outside so she goes to stand near the window to watch it all fall down.

Her eyes focus on the droplets on the window glass, as she tries to ignore the ones trailing down her cheeks. 

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