Thankful for the soft snores that fill her bedroom’s silence, Jinsoul keeps massaging her hands into Sooyoung’s scalp. While she had lost count at how many times they went, Jinsoul still couldn’t find sleep even if she was exhausted. Sooyoung on the other hand had passed out on top of her, now drooling on her chest.  

Jinsoul was still buzzing from the hours that she and Sooyoung…Well Jinsoul’s never experience something that pleasurable. Her insides twist every time her mind goes back to this morning that she just spent screaming Sooyoung’s name out. She was running on five hours of sleep from the past three days. But her eyes were wide open and her brain kept swirling at all the positive and negative thoughts.

The positive being that she was laid up with Sooyoung. 

The negative being that she was still engaged.  

Positive was winning over negative by a long shot, Jinsoul’s chest was filled with butterlfies as she kept cuddling against Sooyoung’s sticky but warm body. It was like her own personal heater. She doesn’t think she’ll ever move from this spot, she’ll just keep her and Sooyoung here forever.  

Jinsoul turns in the girl’s embrace and lets herself be held from behind. Sooyoung only makes a small noise before wrapping all away around Jinsoul soon going back to snoring. Jinsoul holds and squeezes onto Sooyoung’s hand that was protectively draped around her tummy, feeling all giddy how it fit in her own. 

This is how it was supposed to be, since a teenager she’s wanted Sooyoung to be hers. It’s all she’s ever wanted. Although she didn’t think about being with Sooyoung in this way. Jinsoul squeezes her legs at the soreness, it’s already an memory burned inside her mind. Jinsoul wants this…

She shouldn’t lie, she wanted this forever. 

It feels amazing, everything. From the nightmare she’s been living in, this feels like heaven. With Sooyoung’s body pressed tightly against her own, the evidence of a shared passion sticks to their skin, Jinsoul is warmer than normal. She thinks her heart finally started beating again. Jinsoul’s been cold for far too long without someone holding her. She’s been fighting for her picket fence and peace, a comfortable life with the one she loves. Why couldn’t it just begin already, why couldn’t she live this life that she so badly wanted.

Sighing out tiredly she starts to focus on the only noise in the room.

Some people would find the sound annoying, but Jinsoul finds a calm. Sooyoung’s heavy breaths are rhythmic and presses the girl’s chest against Jinsoul’s back every time. It’s a reminder, it’s a steady pace that won’t allow Jinsoul to steer into the path of her anxious thoughts. She’s reminded of Sooyoung’s expression when she first saw her, how relieved and happy she was. How much Sooyoung cared about her. It lets Jinsoul remember just where she is and that she doesn’t have to be afraid, she can relax in her lovers arms without a consequence. 

Holding Sooyoung’s hand that was wrapped tightly around her belly she whispers out, “I’m here.” She’s really here. After so long of living in a fantasy, it finally comes true. She doesn’t have to pretend that she isn’t in love with Sooyoung anymore. Because she is, she has been for almost a decade. Within that decade, so many times has Jinsoul thought of how she’d confess to Sooyoung, she remembers having that crush when she was fourteen and it was the best feeling in the world.

Just thinking of the future she wanted with Sooyoung was bliss. 

Her heart would fall off time, Jinsoul would just write down all the things they would do together, being together. How their first date would be. How they’d both say I love you beyond intimacy. But then, those writings in her diary became how she’d get Sooyoung to love her again. How to ask for forgiveness. 

How to mend a broken heart.

Sooyoung was everything to Jinsoul, she was precious, even more so now since Jinsoul knew what it felt like losing her. 

In between frequent thoughts she hears Sooyoung’s belly growl. Jinsoul smiles with a playful huff, “my baby must be hungry.” Maybe cooking would help her clear her head. Being snuggled by Sooyoung was rocking her concentration like a boat on rough waters. She couldn’t afford to get sidetracked again. But when she tries to pull out of the embrace Sooyoung tugs on her fully wrapping her arms around her torso. Jinsoul feels the vibrations of a groan into her back. 

Sooyoung wasn’t letting go of her, she must feel the same about losing something precious. It makes Jinsoul dizzy just knowing that Sooyoung adored her the same. Jinsoul tries again and Sooyoung doesn’t budge, she had a death grip on her. The snoring has stopped and Jinsoul relaxes back into the body only to receive a happy hum. 

She waits patiently before slipping out of Sooyoung’s arms, Jinsoul shivers at the sudden chill, maybe she should have stayed. Jinsoul panics when Sooyoung starts to feel around for her, thinking quickly she grabs one of her pillows strewn on the floor during the previous morning hours, when there was too much...movement on the bed to keep even most of the sheets intact. With the pillow in Sooyoung arms, the girl smiles sleepily and snuggles into it. Jinsoul’s heart bursts into tiny butterflies and she can’t help but reach over to rub at Sooyoung’s head. 

After pushing some of Sooyoung’s black hair behind her ear she leans down to press a long kiss to her temple. 

When she’s putting some clothes on she glances in the mirror. Jinsoul can hardly recognize herself. She’s lost weight in her face and her body looks thinner than usual. There’s horrible dark circles under her eyes that puff out. But that’s not what really catches her attention, it’s the multiple bruises and bite marks. They’re painted all over her entire body. Biting her lip she winces at the soreness and how they were still swollen, her hair was thrown all over the place and she touches the darkness of her growing roots.

Jinsoul needed to get herself together.

And what better way to do that than with a cup of coffee and an abundance of breakfast food.

Tripping down her stairs she shivers at the chill, it must be because she hasn’t eaten in so long. Looking at the clock she gasps when she sees it’s already past noon. Jinsoul didn’t think they had went that long. But then again she did lose count of how many times she was pushed over the edge. She still feels the aftershocks and well...a little too giddy. Bouncing on her feet she’s never felt this energetic, it might be slap happy but she’s been there before and then she just felt loopy. Right now she couldn’t stop smiling and wiggling around. 

Even if didn’t feel as great as people have told her, at one point Sooyoung was being too rough it was painful instead, it definitely left her feeling great after. No wonder people did it all the time. Jinsoul, in short, couldn’t wait to do it again, then again and again. Especially with Sooyoung...Jinsoul was bit embarrassed at how many times she wanted to do it from now on.  

But even then, she didn’t want to be common between them for a while. For some reason she felt shallow enough for what happened this morning, she didn’t deserve it after what she’s done to Sooyoung.  

But she’ll make sure to be the best she can from now on. 

Playing the radio she instantly starts to smoke up the kitchen, something similar to euphoria running through her nerves.  

Upstairs fast asleep, Sooyoung’s can sense it’s not as warm as before. Slowly waking up, Sooyoung realizes it’s very cold, so cold she’s freezing. Opening her eyes she instantly groans from the bright lights, raising up it takes her a while to fully grasp where she is.

Minutes later Sooyoung clings the sheets to her body, flashbacks bombard her mind. She slept with Jinsoul, she made...Sooyoung’s wanted this for a very long time, so why didn’t she feel good about it. Even if it was the best she’s ever had, so good she can still feel it down below. A smile doesn’t form on her face, it’s a mess. Her body has multiple marks and her back stings from the claw marks dug into it.  

But it doesn’t feel right.

Because Jinsoul is missing. Sooyoung was hugging up to a pillow, which in theory smelled like Jinsoul’s coconut lotion and was just as soft. But definitely not as warm. Sooyoung trembles and pulls the sheets tighter around her body. Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry maybe she’s just using the bathroom or something.

Ten minutes later Jinsoul still doesn’t come.

It wasn’t right at all.

It wasn’t just a dream after all was it? Jinsoul didn’t say all those things in a distant fantasy right? If she did run away from this again, what a nightmare. Cradling her head between her hands she remembers the disappointment and self-consciousness she felt when she seen Jinsoul pulling out of her driveway that night a few years ago. When she had out not remembering anything but waking up in Jung Jinsoul’s arms...she was so happy she pretended to be asleep to not scare the girl off.

But Jinsoul had gotten a call from her dad and scurried off without a word said about that night, the only clues where from her sister Hyunjin who had said Jinsoul had carried her up, cleaned and in warm clothes then had gotten in the bed with her. Sooyoung thought it was strange, but she couldn’t do anything because Jinsoul had ran away and made it damn near impossible to talk to her.

Sooyoung wouldn’t let her run away this time. Throwing on some of Jinsoul’s clothes that she finds she starts to rush down the stairs. When she hits the bottom, a pleasant smell roams around. Sneaking onto the floor she peaks past the walls, Sooyoung doesn’t quite know how to describe the relief she feels flood through her body when she sees Jinsoul battling the stove, something was burning definitely.

It could be the eggs, but Sooyoung wouldn’t deny if someone said if it was her heart 

Then it all hits Sooyoung and it finally feels right. Those long hours this morning don’t make her head throb. Jinsoul was still here, so her confidence and satisfaction rockets. She didn’t run away. Sooyoung doesn’t feel that weird tension either, it’s comfortable. Like it should be, she’s not afraid of Jinsoul’s reaction when she sees her because she knows the truth now. They shared a love that had been broken, by what? Well Sooyoung doesn’t really know that yet. 

This morning feels so much more significant now, Sooyoung knew it wasn’t a mistake. It was a miracle on her part, but waking up without Jinsoul had her second guessing. Like she had messed it up again. Somehow this makes her think she won’t ever have to second guess herself. Maybe things will be different.

The floor creaks when she takes another step, Jinsoul turns around fluidly with a bright smile on her face, a contrast to the sullen look that Sooyoung had met early this morning. “Hi my-“ Jinsoul cuts herself off and Sooyoung gets confused at the cutely scrunched eyebrows now knitted down. “Sooyoung what...I.” Jinsoul seems to not be able to get it out and sits down the pan she was shaking to wobble over towards her. Sooyoung feels that warmth she was missing when Jinsoul cradles her face gently, as if she was broken.

“Why are you crying?” Sooyoung swallows, she didn’t know she was, so she didn’t know why either. The affection in Jinsoul’s eyes are suffocating but relaxing at the same time. She reaches out to grab Jinsoul’s shirt, maybe it was the lack of sleep making her so delirious, but she could also blame how pretty Jinsoul looked. How she was looking at her like that. The blonde leans forward to plant butterfly like kisses on her soaked cheeks. Sooyoung doesn’t know why she’s crying. 

~ 

Jinsoul is crouched below her, they just got done with a game. Sooyoung was a starter, the best player on the team and only a freshman, she just turned 14 this summer. 

They lost, their coach wasn’t happy.

Sooyoung was yelled at more than the other girls on the team. Even the seniors, her rode her hard in and out. Every lost was her fault, every mistake was hers to claim. Sooyoung hated being called worthless, that she’ll never amount to nothing. That she’s not good enough to go far. She had high expectations of her and she knew that. Sooyoung had to get better. She had to work hard enough so she’ll be the player her coach wants, her team wants.

“Don’t cry Sooyoung.” She’s pulled out of the whirlwind of negative emotions. Sooyoung didn’t believe in herself. She felt guilty of not being enough. Sooyoung tells herself she hadn't trained hard like the other girls despite the bruises swelling on her elbows and the exhaustion pulling the air out of her lungs. 

‘You’re nothing Ha! Why the hell do I play you anyways when you can’t do not one ing thing right!’ 

Her coach’s words ring through her ears along with the crack of the clipboard breaking over his knee. 

But Jinsoul’s words brought her back to reality, “don’t cry.” Her best friend has a gently hold on her knees and it raises up to her face. The bubbling anxiety and fear starts to fade ever so slowly as she stares into Jinsoul’s soft eyes. Her poor thoughts of herself disappear. “You did so good, you’re amazing.” Sooyoung used to think highly of herself, she had heavy shoulders from the self-esteem she carried.

But now, with her coach calling her worthless, kids in school saying she’s a loser, Jinsoul’s mom calling her disgusting.

Sooyoung is starting to hate herself along with them.

What hurts the most though is when those girls say she doesn’t deserve Jinsoul. That they’re only friends because Jinsoul’s too nice to drop her, that she’s sticking around out of pity. 

Jinsoul has been the only one that’s made her feel good about herself. She’s the only one that makes her believe in her abilities, her comfort is Sooyoung’s rock that keeps her leveled. 

“You played your hardest Sooyoung, you did everything you can.” Jinsoul has a positive reaction to everything negative that’s said to her. To her coach Jinsoul said that she was everything, to those girls Jinsoul said she’s the greatest person there, Jinsoul doesn’t even acknowledge her mom, and instead praises Sooyoung’s bravery of being who she was. 

Jinsoul leaves sweet kisses on her face, on her chin, on her cheeks, the sides of her lips. “Don’t let them break you...I love you too much to ever lose a piece if you were.” Sooyoung holds onto Jinsoul as if she was falling into a pit of darkness, the girl was the only one keeping her from slipping off the edge. Just like that nothing else matters when she’s with Jinsoul, she’s that person she wants to be, not the person people think she is. But Sooyoung learned the hard way that rocks don’t always stay put.

She was weak and sensitive then.

Because it was Jinsoul who finally broke her.

The funny thing is.

She never lost the pieces.

~

Tears are swiped away, just like they were then. Sooyoung feels vulnerable, “I thought you left again.” 

Jinsoul instantly pulls away, guilt ridden on her face. She’s not always been hot and cold with Sooyoung, but when she has it’s left a hole in the heart for the older girl. 

“I didn’t, I won’t leave okay?” It’s sincere, but even the honesty in Jinsoul’s eyes doesn’t make Sooyoung completely convinced.

Jinsoul’s never been good with words so she doesn’t say much else. She just leaves a warm kiss on Sooyoung’s forehead. 

Sooyoung wipes her own tears after Jinsoul turns to the stove again. 

Stuck in place she’s not sure what to say, if she should say anything at all. Should they talk about it? Or should Sooyoung not even bother.

Instead she leans against the counter and brings up an old memory, the one she was just reminded off. “You remember coach Siwon.” That was their highschool coach that had been fired their sophomore year. He was borderline abusive, verbally and emotionally.

Sooyoung doesn’t have to look at Jinsoul for her answer, “did you have something to do with him being removed from the school.” Jinsoul always hated him, even if she was never in his line of fire. Sooyoung had a hunch that it was Jinsoul who had been the one, even if they weren’t friends anymore, everyone that had done Sooyoung wrong seemed to disappear or never bother her again.

“He wasn’t fit to be a coach.”

Sooyoung smiles, “he won multiple championships.”

Jinsoul scoffs before glancing at her, “I didn’t like the way he spoke to you nor anyone else.”

It confuses her so much, how Jinsoul acted as if she hated her, but still protected her from ones who hurt her. “So was it you or not?”

The blonde shakes her head.

Just a few seconds later she confesses, Jinsoul didn’t feel like lying anymore. “What was I supposed to do? Let him talk to you like that?” Sooyoung tightens her grip on the counter.

“Sometimes you said things like that too, what difference does it make.” Jinsoul slips and half the eggs spill onto the stove. Sooyoung doesn’t move to help, to focused on pulling the truth from Jinsoul like teeth and nails. If she had to bring these things up.

Sooyoung doesn’t take her eyes off Jinsoul, afraid she’ll miss something. “I didn’t mean it Sooyoung, I took my frustration out on you and said the things that was expected from me.” 

Jinsoul turns the stove off too nervous to continue cooking. Sooyoung slips in to finish for her, “I don’t know what you’re trying to say.” What did that mean? Jinsoul said the things that were expected of her. Sooyoung tries to wrap her head around it. 

On the other hand Jinsoul remembers being told over and over again of how she should feel about Sooyoung.

Jinsoul forces herself to lean into Sooyoung’s back, she felt like she didn’t deserve this. “I hated myself for what I said to you. Because I promised that I would never let it get to me.” Sooyoung stops shaking the pan to sit it down. She tries to turn but Jinsoul doesn’t allow her, the girl clings to her shirt.

Her face buried between her shoulder blades. “I was supposed to hate you Sooyoung but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t.” 

“Who.”

Jinsoul sighs deeply and exhausted, “who do you think.”

Sooyoung stares at the grease in the pan, “what did she tell you do Jinsoul.” 

Hands loosen on the fabric and they inch around her waist. Sooyoung feels the chills run up her spine. There was an unswallowable lump in . “Let’s not talk about this right now okay?” 

Closing her eyes she sighs, Sooyoung becomes frustrated. 

Breakfast between them is silent, Jinsoul keeps smiling at her but her eyes hold tears. Sooyoung wonders if she’s happy after all, something was clearly bothering her. 

Taking a bite of eggs Sooyoung asks, “where have you been?” Jinsoul hasn’t ate much at all, still picking at her food.

“Nowhere in particular, I’ve just been driving.” 

“Do you know how worried I was about you, how worried everyone was?” It comes out more snappy than Sooyoung intended. But she was getting angry at Jinsoul’s neglect. How she never confronting anything. Jinsoul remains quiet, Sooyoung wishes she could get something. But she gets nothing, so she blankets the tension with empty words. “I have to go to practice later. What do you want me to tell Coach V.” 

Jinsoul doesn’t dare to look at her, noticing the strain in her voice. “Tell her I’ve been sick, I’ll come back tomorrow.” Sooyoung nods, it’s the first steady thing Jinsoul has said all morning. The tension builds again, unlike this morning when there was none. Because Jinsoul was still hiding things. 

“Practice isn’t until tonight, but if you want I can leave.”

“No.”

Sooyoung’s surprised at how quickly Jinsoul is to reject the offer. The blonde finally looks at her, “no, I want you to stay as long as you like.” Jinsoul has a desperate rasp to her voice that Sooyoung simply nods to.

She sits still as Jinsoul starts to clean up around them, “Is Chaewon okay?” 

Sooyoung hums at Jinsoul’s question, she wasn’t for sure where the little blonde was at. Probably still looking for her big sister that was here. “Are you tired?” Sooyoung could use more sleep, so she nods. “You can go sleep upstairs.” So cold and distant. She wonders if she was the one ruining the light mood they had an hour ago. 

Fixing Jinsoul’s bed that was a mess, she crawls under the warm sheets. Sooyoung hugs the pillow from earlier, it distracts her from the ice Jinsoul was throwing at her.

She thinks of what Jinsoul said earlier. Sooyoung would be stupid to think of anyone different than Mrs. Jung. The woman has never liked her, but she never would have thought she would be the reason for Jinsoul to push her away. The woman was never around. 

The door suddenly creaks open, but Sooyoung doesn’t move. She gets goosebumps up her arm as she hears Jinsoul tip tiptoeing towards her. The blonde then slips into the sheets behind her and the arms consume her in a warm hold. Sooyoung instantly lets go of the pillow, there was something softer pressing against her back.

Jinsoul leaves feather light kisses around her neck and pulls down the collar of her shirt to kiss at the skin there, Sooyoung can’t help but shiver. Jinsoul pushes down on her shoulder, laying her flat on the mattress. Her eyes are still glossy, “I don’t think you know how much I love you.” Sooyoung knots her brows at the sentence but nevertheless let’s her heart flutter. 

She’s then pulled into a passionate kiss that steals her breath. Her lips seem to melt into Jinsoul’s. It’s slow and gentle, making her sling her arms around Jinsoul’s neck as the blonde’s hand slips underneath her shirt to tickle at the skin on her tummy. 

It’s broken too soon. 

Sooyoung doesn’t want to let go of Jinsoul just yet. 

So she doesn’t, she holds her there, not letting Jinsoul have any chance to pull away. The hand lays flat on her tummy and warm breath tickles her neck. “I’m sorry, for earlier.” Sooyoung doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t have to say anything because it’s only a second before Jinsoul speaks again.“How much do you want to know?” The words crawl from the curve of her neck to her ear. Sooyoung pulls down harder, leaving no room for Jinsoul to even breath.

“Everything.”

Sooyoung can’t believe the whine she lets out when Jinsoul manages to slip away in seconds. Blinking at the ceiling she turns to watch the blonde waddle around her room, her eyes narrowing when a small key dangles in Jinsoul’s hand. 

The girl crouches at the little cabinet beneath her desk, where it had been locked before. The key slips in effortlessly and the door opens, turning on her belly Sooyoung leans off of the bed to look closer. Jinsoul starts to pull them out in bunches. There’s a few small books, a heaping amount of envelopes, and pictures. Sooyoung feels the heat rise to her face when she notices the photographs are of them.

“I would be lying if I said I wasn’t obsessed with you.” Jinsoul mumbles nonchalantly. The blonde holds up one picture and breaks into a wide smile, her eyes scrunch up cutely and she brings the photo to her chest, like she wanted it attached to her heart.

The photo is passed off to Sooyoung, drops the slightest bit. It’s a picture of them, ripped in the middle but taped back together. Sooyoung was holding a jar of fireflies and Jinsoul was kissing the side of . “We looked like we were dating didn't we.” Sooyoung peaks behind the photo, Jinsoul acted like she was telling her biggest secret. “I really wanted to date you, I had the biggest crush on you when I was fourteen, actually I still do but I think it’s immature to call it a crush.” Jinsoul rambles as she places more pictures onto the floor. They’re all pictures of them. With the inclusion of their sisters sometimes. 

“Sooyoung, I thought of you as my girlfriend back then. It was so embarrassing, how bad I had it for you. Just ask Chaewon, everyday i'd come home from school and talk about you. I think she wanted to choke me sometimes.” Jinsoul shyly admits and rocks back and forth on the carpet. She remembers being a teenager in love, how nice it felt. She wishes she could start all over again. “I thought about you all the time, how I couldn’t wait to see you again.” Jinsoul would stand by the buses everyday just to greet Sooyoung when she got off, she’d help the girl look presentable and give her a good morning hug and kiss. 

Jinsoul looks through the window and likes how sunny it’s gotten. “You was everything and more to me.” She raises up to open it, closing her eyes at the cool summer breeze flowing in. “I liked calling you my baby to everyone and people would get so freaked out and say ah isn’t that weird?” Jinsoul mocked their voices with a wiggle of her finger before shaking her head, “I didn’t think it was weird at all, because I liked you. I wanted to treat you how I felt about you.”  

Sooyoung is flipping through the photos, how she had none of these. “In my heart we were meant to be together, I belonged to you. I didn’t see my future with anyone else but you.” Jinsoul tells her softly, a faint whisper almost muffled by the noise of the breeze rockin into the window. “You were so cute back then I couldn’t stand it. You were perfect in my eyes and it was my mistake not denying that.” Sooyoung looks up at Jinsoul’s sad tone, the girl was gazing at her gently, with a small smile. “They asked me Sooyoung, if I was in love with you.” 

Jinsoul remembers all the girls and boys asking why she and Sooyoung were so weird together. Jinsoul would only smile and tell them they were dating, why would she lie about something she was so proud of. Jinsoul wanted to show Sooyoung off to the world, that this girl was hers. Wanted to hold her hand and praise her. Wanted to support her no matter what. 

“I was an idiot to say yes.”

She doesn’t understand, Sooyoung doesn’t remember this. Jinsoul was never in love with her. Jinsoul…Sooyoung almost tears the picture in her hands, how was she so oblivious to Jinsoul’s feelings towards her. 

Jinsoul then crouches in the floor and starts to hand Sooyoung her diaries and letters. She stops speaking for a while to let Sooyoung read through some of them. Jinsoul’s heart breaks a different way when Sooyoung chokes on a silent sob, she’s always been sensitive. Sooyoung wipes the tears away. Every letter, explicit details of Jinsoul’s feelings. Of what she loved about her, how she made her feel, how she wanted to spend their life together. Most about Sooyoung, teenage ramblings of something close to infatuation but innocent enough to call love, how life always treated Jinsoul kindly. 

Because Sooyoung was hers.

Love letters. Diaries filled with messy thoughts, pure and raw. Sooyoung’s felt like her head was going to split from how hard it was throbbing. Jinsoul then speaks up, “I wrote you love letters almost every night. I waited for your call every night. I went to bed thinking of you every night.” Sooyoung made her feel special. She felt true love. “It had to be you.” 

“You’re the one I think..no I know you are.” Jinsoul admits it, no one will ever compare to Sooyoung. She’s learned that through the years. It’s what got her to this moment. She’s never been able to get over Sooyoung. Her heart has never been on beat because of this girl, always going to fast. Because Sooyoung was living free in her mind. No rent paid because that’s where Jinsoul wanted her. “I even told asked your mom if I could marry you, then begged her not to tell you.” Jinsoul remembers how scared she was, but how happy it made her when Ms. Ha told her she’d give her the rings when they were older. She was only fourteen then and the woman was playing around, but it meant everything to Jinsoul.

She’s always been reaching for the stars.

It just so happens Sooyoung was one that fell straight into her hands. Jinsoul hated herself for almost losing her. 

Sooyoung was now on the pages where Jinsoul had a bunch of dates planned out. It almost made her sick with how cheesily romantic and corny they were. But still, Sooyoung was dying to go on them. She can’t stop reading Jinsoul’s words, so sweet, so stupidly sweet. Sooyoung didn’t think she was that great, but this Sooyoung in these letters must have been an angel. 

She can remember how Jinsoul treated her back then. How the girl would shower her with affection, gifts, attention. Everything that she ever wanted. Jinsoul was a kind and gentle, never once undermining her. Always sticking by her side, being genuine with her. Her love was fair, it was easy on the heart. Sooyoung can’t help but wish they could have had gotten together back then.

But instead they did the opposite.

If none of this had happened, Sooyoung wonders how amazing it could have been. How they would have unbroken hearts. But it’s not over, those years can be made up with time. Even if those years could have been sweet and full of love, they still had now and the rest of their lives.

The letters get scattered with her tears and Jinsoul scoots forward to hug her legs that are draped off the mattress. “I’m in love with you, more than ever. I was back then and now.” Jinsoul mumbles out, hating how Sooyoung is crying. She knows how it feels, having everything you wished for pulled away from you. “Maybe I wanted us to be the perfect pair, but not now. That’s just not us is it?” Sooyoung giggles at that, Jinsoul’s written out fantasies sounded straight out of a teen romance novel. 

“It doesn’t change the fact I want to show you the world, because you’re mine Sooyoung. You’re my whole world.” Sooyoung drops the letters and grabs Jinsoul’s face pulling her into a deep kiss. Sooyoung slips the floor so she can hug her as well. Quietly crying into the girl’s shoulder. She knows how Jinsoul really felt about her now, “I can’t hurt you anymore Sooyoung, I won’t. I should have never done it in the first place.”

Jinsoul cradles her in her arms, like she was fragile. “I promise I’ll treat you better, even better than back then. You’re special and you never deserved what I put you through.” Sooyoung is pushed back and Jinsoul looks at her determined, “I’ll treat you better.”  

Sooyoung nods and leans for another kiss. 

She couldn’t believe all these years, Jinsoul has felt the same. 

Sooyoung packs all of them up, the letters and pages of the diaries. She wanted to take them hold to read all of them over and over again. Now she was holding Jinsoul in her arms, not even daring to let her go, “All I wanted was to love you.” The blonde mumbles out onto her chest. Holding her close, their limbs tangled underneath the thin sheets. “You’re the one thing I’ve never regretted, but I’ve regretted everything I’ve done to you.” Sooyoung starts to understand it, what must have happened years ago, it kills her, how she could have handled it better. Things could have been different on both of their parts.

Kissing the top of her head she slips one of her hands beneath Jinsoul’s shirt, “so what now?” 

The blonde lets out a small laugh, “well what I’ve been told, I’m supposed to stay away from you, but damn am I tired of doing that..”

Sooyoung likes that Jinsoul isn’t such a doormat anymore but still it scares her. She still doesn’t know everything, “maybe we should keep it a secret.” Jinsoul whines and shakes her head, her nose rubbing the skin right above Sooyoung’s collar bone.

“You deserve more than that Sooyoung, you're  not something I should hide. I don’t want to disrespect you like that. Treating you like a side hoe when you the wifey.” Sooyoung blushes, sometimes Jinsoul said the weirdest things. She turns red in the face and turns her face away when Jinsoul tries to kiss her, she can’t hide the smile on her face. 

The blonde nuzzles her face into hers whispering dreamy like, “you don’t know how long I’ve wanted to be with you like this.” It still hurts, because that’s all Sooyoung wanted too. So why couldn’t they? What was the catch, why did Jinsoul push her away for years, why did her best friend seem to want nothing to do with her. Why did they become estranged?

Jinsoul starts to doze off then, Sooyoung shakes her awake. “Why Jinsoul? We both wanted the same, what happened?” It seemed perfect in theory, so why didn’t it happen. Sooyoung was angry, how she was neglected, how Jinsoul was neglected as well. 

The blonde squeezes onto her waist, “one step at a time.” Sooyoung rolls her eyes but she has a feeling Jinsoul isn’t lying. “I’m so sleepy.” Jinsoul mumbles out and struggles to keep her eyes open, “wake me up before you leave.” 

Hours later, when the sun is starting to set and the orange glow creeps into the room, Sooyoung starts to stir. The whole time she had been staring at Jinsoul soundly sleeping. The light became a part of the intimacy they share. 

Shaking the blonde awake she gives her a messy kiss on the mouth, “I have to leave.” Jinsoul is hilarious when she’s half asleep, looking like a mad scientist that had gotten electrocuted. The blonde points towards her keys on the desk.

“Take it, i'll wait up for you.” 

Sooyoung frowns, she was planning on coming back tonight. She wanted to take the letters back home and read them alone. She wanted to have some space to think of all what was said. “I wanted to go home, is that okay?” Jinsoul blinks at her a second before smiling sweetly and nodding. 

Her hand is grabbed by a soft one and it’s squeezed as Jinsoul speaks to her, “yeah go ahead. Just let me know if your safe.” The blonde puckers her lips for a kiss and Sooyoung wouldn’t dare to decline something so addicting. Leaning down she leaves a long imprint on Jinsoul’s lips, hers tingle when she pulls away. Her whole body warm from something so innocent.

Jinsoul then tells her something that calms her, “take all the time you need Sooyoung, I’d wait forever for you. I know this must be a lot.” She doesn’t answer back, this was just another rough patch for them, but at least Sooyoung knew how Jinsoul felt. “I won’t hide from you anymore, I promised to treat you better.” 

With that Sooyoung is satisfied that she’ll get the answers, she felt like this fight wasn’t over. Whatever was keeping Jinsoul from her. 

She’d make sure to never let it happen again.

Twirling the keys in her hand she smiles. 

One step at a time.

~~~~

This story will be finished, you have my word! I would never do y’all like that hehe even if this is the worst thing ever, I promise! also let me see if I can do weekly updates since this is all lined out, I cannot promise that tho hehe