"Worth all the pain"

Jinyoung knows that he's not the type of person who acts without thinking first. He makes it a must that he lets his brain talk first before he takes any of his plans into action. He's not saying that he's the sharpest tool in the box but, he knows he isn't the kind of person to be classified as dumb. He's well accustomed to thinking first before doing anything because he knows there'll be consequences regardless of what is it that you did. There will always be consequences, but Jinyoung would very much like to avoid facing such cruel ones.

Now as to why Jinyoung decided to do what he just did tonight... that he can't fully understand. He knows he has put some thinking into this before he made a decision. But Jinyoung can't track down the whole of his thought process and how he arrived to his decision of going to Jaebum instead of going to Mark. It is past almost nine in the evening and he still finds himself sitting comfortably in the small gray couch Jaebum has in his place. They're drinking coffee after eating the dinner Jaebum has ordered from a Chinese restaurant. Suddenly, it didn't feel like a number of years has passed, and that those years were spent by them being apart from each other. It just felt like old times, when things were not as complicated as Jinyoung denies them to be. He didn't want Jaebum to feel all alone- this is his reason, Jinyoung believes, that's why he feels this need to stay by the older's side even just until he can get himself altogether.

"If you ever need someone, just know you can always call me. I'll always be there. Just like then." 

These are the words he has given to Jaebum as a promise. He sees those reluctant eyes as Jaebum shakes his head. "But this is not like then. Things have changed. You, yourself told me so." 

Jinyoung felt a tinge of guilt when he heard it from the latter. It's true. He did tell that to Jaebum. And that is true as well, things really have changed. But there's a part of him which wants to put a stop to it- to things changing. A part of him wants it to stop, and if possible return things to how they were before. It's just a small part of him, but Jinyoung felt alarmed by it. The sane part of his mind might've taken a longer while for it to realize that what he did and said were not the things he should've done and said.

When he reached his apartment, Mark was waiting there and his guilt washed through him like a cold bucket of water. Just a while ago when he was with Jaebum, he was not thinking of Mark- his boyfriend. His primary concern is to make Jaebum feel better without thinking how bad he might make Mark feel if he finds out what he was doing. Jinyoung hated it, more so hated himself because he was reminded of how he treated Mark before when they were in college. Just like then, he had almost put Mark aside just to be able to comfort Jaebum. Why did he think of doing that? Jinyoung was ready to dismiss these thoughts and get his mind into functioning properly again but then that same night, when he was about to sleep, he received a text from Jaebum. [Thank you for tonight Jinyoung. I really appreciate it. I just figured I should say this... i really wish things were just like then.]

*⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*

Jinyoung wants to deny the fact that those words stirred something. Because after that night... those days which came after, they were slowly turning into how things were then. And he also wants to deny the fact that a part of him sort of like how the things are changing. Suddenly, Jinyoung has become unconscious as to how he was acting differently towards Jaebum. For him it was all normal. For him, all of what he's doing is okay. How he tries to find a spot for Jaebum in their group; how he tries to spend a bit more time with Jaebum even when work is not involved nor related; how it becomes often that they talk to each other either through texts or calls. "I'm doing this because Jaebum is still in his low times. And he's got no one else here with him." He tells Mark and all the older says is "It's okay. I understand." But Youngjae tells him otherwise. 

"This is not something you should do but something you want to do. And you're doing it regardless of how Mark would feel. And I can't believe I still need to tell you this." Youngjae said.

"You're right, you're in no position to tell me this." Jinyoung barked back.

That conversation didn't end well. But it hasn't reached Mark's knowledge. Perhaps, Youngjae didn't tell about it to his hyung. Jinyoung thinks that is better.

*⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*

One time, when they were all gathered up in Mark's apartment, Jackson opened up about his plan this coming weekend. It's just in time for the younger ones' semestral break. So that means they can all go on a trip. "Can we invite Jaebum?" Jinyoung ignored how Youngjae's eyes stayed on him after he asked this question. Jinyoung says that he thinks this will be helpful for Jaebum to get his mind off things. It's roughly a month since his mom died. Jaebum needs all the distractions so he could move on with his life a bit faster. The guys didn't give much reaction aside from a few nods. Youngjae didn't react at all but Jinyoung felt his lingering stare until the plan was settled. Jackson said he'll consider.

It was after the guys left and him and Mark were preparing to get to bed when Mark chose to speak his mind. 

"About Jaebum..." Mark trails off and it's enough to get his attention from fluffing the pillows. Jinyoung stopped to turn and look at Mark who is drying his hair with a towel while leaning on the desk. He didn't say anything and let Mark continue on his words. "You really want to invite him?"

Jinyoung didn't miss on how Mark tries to avert his eyes from him. The older turned to face the mirror and kep