I am angry with myself because this chapter did not come out the way i wanted it to be *bangs head on the wall* waeeeeeee!! And i tend to torture them a bit more T.T

22 years old, Cry (Part 2)

Yoseob curled up against the white wall of Junhyung’s brightly lit bathroom, hugging his legs tight to his chest, forehead resting on his bent knees. The younger was quiet, too quiet for Junhyung’s liking as the older man busied himself in the kitchen, preparing a mug of hot chocolate milk.

When Junhyung picked Yoseob up exactly 37 minutes later in the hospital room after the call, he knew something was wrong as he walked into the poorly lit room. Trying not to scare Yoseob, he gently called the younger’s name a few times without receiving s reply and Yoseob continued staring outside, beyond the window. When Junhyung placed his hands on Yoseob’s shoulders and slowly turned the younger to face him, there was nothing in Yoseob’s eyes. Those eyes which shone and twinkled were devoid of any emotions, they were vacant and it scared the out of Junhyung.

“Yoseobah…” Junhyung whispered, trying to get Yoseob’s attention.

Yoseob’s eyes moved and when he had somewhat focused on Junhyung’s face, he smiled slowly, “Oh, Junhyungah. You came.” The smile did not reach his vacant eyes.

Junhyung took the small bag from the floor with his left hand and helped Yoseob up with his right, “Come on, Yoseobah, we are getting out of here.” Yoseob nodded and let Junhyung lead him out of the hospital.

The first thing Yoseob did when they reached Junhyung’s apartment was rushing into the bathroom. He scrambled and knelt down on the sparkling bathroom floor while waves and waves of digested food poured out of his mouth into the toilet bowl. Every single piece of food he had eaten was out in a blink of an eye. Junhyung watched from the doorway, wincing at the anger that rose from the pit of his stomach. This Doojoon guy was going to get it, he swore.

He walked briskly to the kitchen to make a glass of hot chocolate for Yoseob. Junhyung knew Yoseob was not sick, he was thoroughly shocked and his stomach was acting up on it. When he was dissolving the rich chocolate powder into the hot water with a spoon, the vomiting stopped and after a flush and the sound of running water, a pregnant silence filled the air.

Junhyung walked back to the bathroom to find a curled up ball against his bathroom wall. He tried to call Yoseob’s name but his voice chocked his own throat and instead a gasp escaped his mouth. Yoseob painstakingly looked up to the older man, painfully smiling at the sight of a mug of hot chocolate.

The older man cleared his throat and crouched down, leaving the mug of chocolate outside the bathroom door, next to the door frame, “You like hot chocolate, don’t you?” Yoseob nodded and Junhyung continued, “Are you hungry? I can get you stuff to eat, not just hot chocolate.” Yoseob shook his head as a ‘no’ and Junhyung crawled closer to him, sitting cross-legged next to the younger man, his back resting on the wall beside Yoseob.

“You know I hate to beat around the bush so I’ll just ask what’s going on between you and Doojoon?” Junhyung’s tone was firm, but not rough. It was questioning, but not accusing, never judging and this was why Yoseob really liked Junhyung.

“We’re best friends.” Yoseob chocked on his memory, “…used to.”

“Bull.”

Yoseob turned to face Junhyung. The older man was looking at the ceiling, a frown between his eyebrows. He said, “That’s bull and you know it. Should I kill him for you?”

It was the first time that Yoseob chuckled quietly, his cheeks stiff from the tension on his face. He rested the back of his head on the wall behind him and started telling Junhyung about him and Doojoon, “We were best friends since eight. Doojoon is really nice, bright and fun, and when I transferred to his school, he asked me to be his best friend on my first day. We became best friends the next day. Throughout the years, this is what we are or we were, I’m not sure anymore.” Yoseob scoffed and shook his head, “He was my first picture for goodness’ sake. And my first speed dial, not even my parents. We’ve lasted through girlfriends, through separation and busy schedules and new friends.”

Yoseob paused and rested his head on Junhyung’s shoulder while his voice faltered and trembled, “He was the first person who knew I was different. You know…” Junhyung was still quiet, attentively listening to Yoseob. He was curious. He always felt something was different between Yoseob and Doojoon, there was something. Something that none of them realized, and now when he sort of saw the big picture, it was a scary prospect for both Doojoon and Yoseob.

“…and he was okay with me being different. I cried and he hugged me, saying that he thought I was going to tell him I was dying or something. He said it was okay, but…”

Junhyung knew something was off, “But what? What did he do?”

Yoseob touched his lips gently, “He kissed me tonight…”

“And?” Junhyung probed, looking at Yoseob’s expression. He hoped he was wrong, but God forbid what he feared the most was right.

Yoseob looked at Junhyung and his eyes went back to vacant, void of any emotions, “And I saw disgust in his eyes before he ran away.” Junhyung closed his eyes tightly as he bit his lips, trying to contain all the vulgarities bubbling inside him, pushing their way out of his mouth.

“, I knew it.” Junhyung sighed and wrapped a comforting hand around Yoseob’s shoulder. “, Yoseobah. him. this. .” He tightened his hold on Yoseob as he pulled the boneless man to scoot closer to his side. “You listen to me, Yoseobah. No one is to ever look down on you because you are different. No one. You are amazing and talented and they are not worth even a split second of your life. Do you hear me?” Junhyung shook Yoseob gently to get his attention and repeated, “Do you hear me?”

And this time, Yoseob started to sob as he covered his face with both of his hands, hiding the tears and embarrassment from Junhyung, “But he is Doojoonie. I cannot do this to him. I’d rather die than not being with him. He is Doojoonie. I cannot…I cannot…” His sobs were uncontrollable and his whole body shook. “I even went soul searching to Tibet. So that he won’t look at me differently. So that I won’t disgust him. To pay all my karmas and be a better person. To cleanse my soul and be normal.” Yoseob bawled as he continued, “I can’t…”

“Do you love him? Are you in love with him?”

Yoseob shook his head, “…. I don’t know… I don’t know what love is, how it feels like. I don’t know… Doojoonie is the only thing I know…”

Junhyung sighed as he grabbed Yoseob gently into a hug with his other hand. He tucked the younger man’s head under his chin and slowly rocked both of them back and forth, trying to calm the confused mess in his embrace. “It’s okay, Yoseobah. It’s okay. Shhhh…you always have me from now.”

A mug of hot chocolate was left cold and untouched outside the bathroom door.

Doojoon tightened his grip on the plastic bag that held a full container of Yoseob’s favourite chicken feet. As he walked along the hospital corridor, he could not help but felt extremely nervous, his mind kept replaying Yoseob’s face. Although in the poorly lit room, Doojoon could see how hurt and pain had settled in Yoseob’s eyes. He was a ing idiot for running away. Today, he was better prepared. Whatever Yoseob would do or say to him, he would never let go of the younger man, the friend of his life.

Slowly Doojoon pushed the door handle down, worry started to swirl in his stomach as he opened the door of Yoseob’s hospital room. It was too quiet, Doojoon frowned, and as he walked through the hallway he saw an empty bed, an empty room. The sheets had been changed, the pillows had been fluffed, the floors had been mopped. There was no trace of Yoseob.

Doojoon had specifically told the younger man that he would be back tomorrow, he had said it repeatedly to Yoseob last night that he would come back, but Yoseob left without informing him. Anger started to crawl up on Doojoon’s spine as he reached out for his phone and tapped on Yoseob’s name on the screen.

The first call was left unanswered and Doojoon tapped on the number again, deciding to keep calling until Yoseob would answer him. After the fifth try, Yoseob finally answered, “Doojoonah…” Anger bubbled over as Doojoon said harshly, “Where are you?” 

“I’m back home.” Yoseob’s voice was quiet.

“I’ll be over in 15. Meet me beside the lake.” Doojoon hung up on the phone and rushed over.

The lake near Doojoon and Yoseob’s houses was tranquil except for a few joggers around; surrounded by huge trees, translucent water spilling over the edges of the lake, wind softly touching the water and teasing the leaves. Doojoon remembered it was exactly where Yoseob had told him that the younger was different and they had hugged and Doojoon was more than relieved to hear that Yoseob was healthy and not going to die anytime soon.

When Doojoon arrived, he saw Yoseob sitting at the edge of the lake, legs hugged tightly to his chest with one hand while the other held the phone to his ear. He could barely hear what Yoseob was saying, “I have new pictures from Tibet…it was not a wasted trip…I’ll get them to you soon just make sure you sell those…yeah…thanks Junhyungah…” Doojoon winced at the name and stopped to hover above Yoseob. The younger man looked up to see Doojoon towering him and quickly ended the phone call, “…okay…yes…Junhyungah I gotta go, talk to you later…yes…bye.”

Doojoon sat down with a huff next to Yoseob and placed the container of chicken feet in front of him. The younger man immediately pulled down his head and stared at the grass below them, not even glancing to Doojoon as he greeted him, “Hey, Doojoon.”

“I got you chicken feet. You like those.”

“Yeah.” Yoseob answered halfheartedly, not moving to touch the container of delicious chicken feet in front of him. This was the first time they had been awkward in all those years of their friendship.

“So you went to Tibet to get pictures for Junhyung?” Doojoon accused and Yoseob sighed, “No. I went there for a personal trip.”

“Liar.” It was sharp and ice cold and the accusation sliced through Yoseob’s heart. He swiftly lifted up his head to look at Doojoon in the eyes and the older man was taken aback by the coldness of Yoseob’s hard stare. “You are the best at it.” Yoseob spat his words at Doojoon, “I learned from you.”

“What?” Doojoon asked, confused.

“When I told you I was different you said it was okay, you even hugged me and said you were relieved I was not dying soon. I thought that after all these years, you are able to accept who I am, what I am, but instead you are disgusted at me.” Yoseob scoffed at a confused Doojoon, eyes spewing hatred, “I thought we were best friends, so I told you everything. But you didn’t even tell me things I should know, like new friends, new soccer team. Nothing. You told me nothing and yet you held so much disgust for me.”

Doojoon stammered as he tried to find his tongue, “What the is wrong with you? Are you saying I hate you because you’re gay? Are you saying that?”

Yoseob chuckled sarcastically, “Wow, you finally said the word. Gay, yes. You hate me for it, I should have known.”

Doojoon gaped, “No! Never! Why would you think that? I am never disgusted with you. Never. You are my – “

“Bull!” Yoseob screamed at him while tears started streaming down his chubby cheek. “You are a ing liar and I ing hate you! Don’t you dare tell me what you felt after kissing me wasn’t disgust. I saw it in your ing eyes when you looked at me.”

Doojoon shut his eyes, frustrated at himself for the mess he caused for being an idiot. He grabbed Yoseob’s arm but the younger flinched away from him and growled, “Don’t you ing touch me.”

Doojoon hauled Yoseob’s body and embraced him in a tight hug. Yoseob’s hands went wild in an attempt to get away from Doojoon, he struggled to get free but Doojoon tucked both hands into the tight space between Yoseob’s body and his chest and tightened the hug. He could feel Yoseob’s hands fisted, clinging desperately at his tee shirt as wetness seeped through the fabric and onto his chest.

Yosseob’s head was tucked safely under Doojoon’s chin as he continued crying, pouring out his frustration and confusion and pain onto Doojoon’s chest underneath his cheeks. The older man moved his hands up and down Yoseob’s arms and back, trying to calm the storm whirling in Yoseob’s body.

“Yoseobah, I can never hate you. Never. I can never get disgusted with you. Never. I’m sorry if you felt that way because of me, I’m sorry. I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” Doojoon chanted his apologies over and over again until it was etched in Yoseob’s brain.

“I was angry with myself because I took advantage of you last night.” Doojoon’s voice faltered as tears started spilling from his wet eyes, “What kind of best friend am I? I was disgusted with myself. I was sick to the stomach. I hated myself. I was angry at myself. It was never about you. Never. I don’t care what you are. If you are a murderer, I will help you on your murder conquests. ”

Doojoon tipped Yoseob’s face upwards to look at him, “You are perfect. You should know that, you must remember that. No matter what happened, you are perfect. And you are my best friend.”

“I hate you. I want to stop being best friends. I hate you.”

“Don’t do this to me. I’m sorry, Yoseobah…I’m sorry…” The older man tightened his embrace of Yoseob and they both cried their hearts out to each other, baring their souls and weaknesses for each other to see. They stayed in each other arms for a long time.

After the storm had passed, Doojoon and Yoseob sat side by side beside the lake, enjoying the serene view and the calmingly quiet atmosphere, their sides pressed together to each other. Yoseob broke the silence and said, “I’m sorry I was harsh on you before.”

Doojoon sighed in relief, “I’m sorry for being an idiot.”

There was a pause before Yoseob blurted out, “What’s with the kiss?”

Doojoon inhaled deeply and answered, “Because I missed you.”

Yoseob said in a monotonous tone, “Friends don’t kiss each other.” Doojoon stubbornly replied, “Friends kiss each other all the time!”

“Not on the lips Doojoonah, lovers do that.” Yoseob frowned, idiots would stay as idiots. Doojoon chuckled and slung an arm around Yoseob’s shoulder, “Should we be lovers then?”

Yoseob turned to face Doojoon. He scoffed and rolled his eyes, “So not funny. Your humour is getting worse by the year. You used to be hilarious. Let me repeat, used to be hilarious.” Doojoon laughed and started slapping Yoseob’s arms out of habit.

Yoseob winced at the sting of Doojoon’s slaps, “I don’t hate you, y’know.”

Doojoon smiled and placed his arm back around Yoseob’s shoulder, he tilted his face up and stared at the sky, “I know.” He then turned his face towards Yoseob and asked in a serious but mischievous tone, “Best friends?”

Yoseob turned to Doojoon. His eyes twinkled and shone at the question. He smiled.

“Forever.”