18 years old, Queer

It was the first time Doojoon saw Yoseob in this state.

Confused, lost, and scared. What was he even scared about? That Doojoon would hate him? Would not be friends with him? Doojoon wanted to ask but as he opened his mouth, a single tear dropped from Yoseob’s usually bright and mischievous eye. And so Doojoon choked on his own words.

Of course, Doojoon had seen Yoseob cried before. When the younger boy lost Doojoon’s most precious soccer ball in the 5^th grade, Yoseob whined and cried for forgiveness. Doojoon was not angry – how could he with the whines and tears – but he gave Yoseob the silent treatment for three days just to teach him a lesson. After that, they went back to best friends again.

And there was that time when the neighbor’s dog passed away due to old age in the 8^th grade. No one knew about this – not even their parents or anyone else – but they slipped away at midnight and went to the burial ground (under a tree beside the small lake) and prayed for their lost friend. It was then when Doojoon saw shiny trails on Yoseob’s cheeks under the moonlight. The younger boy’s eyes were solemnly closed, offering his prayer in all earnestness. Doojoon smiled and thought that this was why they were best friends.

Doojoon had seen all of Yoseob, he was tiny, but he was strong. He was strong headed and strong willed and Doojoon loved everything about that. He was tiny but his dreams were bigger than anyone else’s and Doojoon loved every single bit of it.

But Yoseob looked so vulnerable right now and Doojoon did not know what to do with the sudden vulnerability. There was a hunch, Doojoon felt it. There was something unquestionably wrong with Yoseob the past few weeks.

So Yoseob broke up with Jieunie. And Doojoon did not even know about it – when does Yoseob stop telling him things? – Doojoon had to conclude this himself when he saw lesser and lesser of the ever sweet, ever pretty and adorable Lee Jieun next to Yoseob. It was a sensitive topic and Doojoon approached it with such gentle fashion but Yoseob did not seem to mind at all.

He nodded and smiled sadly at Doojoon, “Yeah, I need to let her go,” he fiddled nervously with his fingers, “she was just too awesome for me, y’know?” Doojoon frowned at the answer. This was not the Yoseob he knew, Yoseob was supposed to be stubborn and whiny and when he wanted something he would get it, Lee Jieun included.

“But you really really really liked her right?” Doojoon tried to coax an honest answer out of the smaller boy. Yoseob nodded, “Yeah.” Doojoon was confused but it was so obvious that Yoseob was upset so he did not pursue the matter further. He only sighed and stretched out his hand to pet Yoseob lovingly on the head.

And then there was Daniel Chae. Again, Doojoon did not even know of his existence – seriously, when does Yoseob stop telling him things? – until Yoseob introduced him to Doojoon during lunch. In all honesty, Doojoon really liked this kid. He was polite and warm and nice and friendly and kind-hearted and he called them hyung – he called Yoseob hyung.

Just like how Doojoon was with Gina, the same went for Yoseob and Daniel. Yoseob literally picked the boy up from the nearest bus stop (extremely lost and confused and helpless) and accompanied him to school because Daniel was from America and had no single clue on directions and bearings. Yoseob melted at the sight of him, it was like finding a little adorable lost puppy. 

During lunch that day, Doojoon saw a boy with adorable eye smiles waiting in front of Yoseob’s classroom, obviously in search of someone. Doojoon raised his eyebrows in curiosity when he saw Yoseob skipping towards the boy. And that was how Yoseob made a new friend – or a new dongsaeng.

And if those were not bad enough, it was exactly period for National exams and University entrance exams. Doojoon missed Yoseob, he wanted to meet him, wanted to talk to him, have fun with him, be there for him. Of course they called each other, once every day, once every two days, once every three days, maybe twice a day when Doojoon was feeling tired and Yoseob was hopelessly bored. But other than those, they hardly met at all inside or outside the school ground and Doojoon was almost sure that he would forget Yoseob’s face in another two days if they did not meet.

Everyone was busy with study, with revisions, with cram classes, with tutoring, with make-up classes. It was the most hectic and important period of their high school life and every senior would die to get into the University of their choice. On top of everything, Doojoon still had to go for his soccer practices (he was confirmed a spot in FC Seoul and what an achievement it was for a young prodigy like him). And all of these ate up his meeting time with Yoseob.

Doojoon had not seen Yoseob once during exams period. They did not even study or revise together and it was really strange. But Doojoon just shrugged it away, thinking that they needed their own alone time to focus on things anyways. But then, even after exams period was over, Yoseob was nowhere to be found. Doojoon wanted to celebrate, wanted to have fun with Yoseob once everything was over, but Yoseob was not there. 

Now, Doojoon started to worry.

It was as if Yoseob was avoiding him.

So the immediate Sunday of their after-exams-period holiday, Doojoon went over to Yoseob’s house too early in the morning and waited for the sun to rise (in case he missed Yoseob if he was to go out in the morning). After the sun had risen and he was sure there were already activities in Yoseob’s house, he pressed the bell, hoping he would not disturb anyone.

The smile on Yoseob’s eomma’s face was exactly the same as Doojoon remembered 10 years ago when they first met. It was warm and motherly and welcoming and he really liked her. “Doojoonie,” she motioned him to quickly get inside, “what are you doing so early? Come on in quickly.” Doojoon bowed and greeted her politely before going inside. Yoseob’s mother fussed too much about him, if he wanted milk, if he wanted breakfast, if he wanted anything to eat at all, and then more questions about him eating and having breakfast. Doojoon just grinned and declined politely before going straight to Yoseob’s room.

The bundle of colorful comforter did not budge on the bed when Doojoon creaked the door open. It was still dark, the curtains were all still drawn close, and a bunch of messy black hair peeking out from the comforter on the fluffy pillow. Doojoon tiptoed across the room and abruptly drew the curtains open, “Rise and shine, sleepyhead!”

There was a sudden flood of bright lights into the room – into Yoseob’s eyes – and the younger boy groaned in annoyance. He wiggled and squirmed on the bed, tried to hide his face inside the comforter but Doojoon pulled the comforter away and let it fall to the ground.

“Come on, Yoseobah. Wakey, wakey!”

Yoseob shut his eyes tighter, curled his body tighter into an angry ball, trying to escape from the rude reality in the form of Doojoon’s invasion. He whispered in a soft, weak voice, “ you.” Doojoon laughed and opened Yoseob’s window, a fresh breeze of wind entered Yoseob’s bedroom as he inhaled exaggeratedly, “What a pleasant morning!”

Defeated, Yoseob sat on the bed, rubbing and blinking his eyes, trying to adjust with the sudden bright lights. He flipped a finger, “ you, Doojoonah. This is too early.” Doojoon doubled over from laughter as he answered, “Yoseobah, you are flipping at the door. I’m not there.”

Yoseob opened one eye in frustration as stretched out and yawned, “Whatever,” he slumped back on the bed, “what do you want?” Doojoon joined Yoseob on the bed and trapped him in a tight hug, “I miss Yoseobie!” The older boy expected a kick to the shin, a pounce on the chest, a bite on the arm, a punch on the stomach, but none of that happened. Instead Yoseob chuckled lightly and hugged him back, “Fine. Now let me sleep.”

Doojoon’s hug tightened and Yoseob shrieked, “No. Let’s go to the lake, Yoseobah.” Yoseob let out a groan of disapproval and the hug tightened, almost crushing Yoseob’s delicate bones. The younger boy struggled but to no avail and the hug kept getting tighter and tighter. Yoseob screech and yelped, it was starting to be a wrestling game “Fine, fine.” And the hug loosened instantly. Yoseob quickly untangled himself from Doojoon and kicked his shin in annoyance, “I hate you.”

The lake was quiet on Sunday, except for a few morning joggers around. There were two boys sitting side by side at the edge of the lake, laughing at each other, enjoying the company.

“Yoseobah.”

Yoseob smiled and hummed in response.

“Yoseobah, are you avoiding me?”

Yoseob’s smile faded a little as he raised his eyebrows in confusion, “What? Come again?”

Doojoon looked at Yoseob in the eyes, “Are you avoiding me?” There was a nervous laugh from Yoseob as he waved his hand dismissively, “Psh, of course not! Why would I?”

Doojoon shrugged as he hugged his knees, “I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you now. Are you avoiding me?” Yoseob grinned and was about to answer when he saw the sincere and serious expression on Doojoon’s face. His grin instantly faded as he turned to face forward and pulled his head down. He was silent for a while and Doojoon was worried.

 “Yoseobah –“

“Please don’t hate me.”

Doojoon frowned as he saw the confusion and guilt on Yoseob’s face. He looked really scared and lost right now and Doojoon was lost too, “No – why would I hate you?”

“I think I’m abnormal.”

Doojoon was about to open his mouth again to ask when he saw a single tear dropped from Yoseob’s eye. And Doojoon choked on his own words.

Yoseob turned to Doojoon and the older saw that sad smile on his face, those guilty eyes, the quivering lips, “I think I might be queer.”

Doojoon felt relief washed over his whole body like a strong ocean wave. He blinked and exhaled loudly as he enveloped a shocked Yoseob in a warm hug, “Oh my God, Yoseobah! Oh my God! I’m so relieved!”

He grabbed Yoseob’s upper arms and pushed him away for a second to see the younger’s face covered with confusion and hugged him in a warm embrace one more time, “Oh my God. I was thinking that you might have a terminal illness and will be dead in like two days or something.” Yoseob blinked in bewilderment when he saw Doojoon beaming at him, “Yoseobah, I’m so relieved.”

“Doojo – Doojoonah, I just said that I might be gay and you are not shocked?” Yoseob was surprised that his voice had gone back normal, it was not trembling anymore, not uncertain anymore. Doojoon let go of Yoseob and shrugged, “Well, it’s not a big deal, I guess. Daniel?” The younger boy raised his eyebrows and doubled over in laughter, “Daniel? No!”

Sometimes Yoseob was not sure if Doojoon was just plain stupid, kind-hearted, or ignorant. Or maybe all those and more. But he was extremely thankful that he was his best friend. He was inexplicable happy when Doojoon asked him to be best friends 10 years ago. He could not even imagine a life without his encouragement, without his understanding, without his care. He would never want to imagine a life without Doojoon.

Doojoon stared at Yoseob and asked, “So this is why you broke up with Jieunie?” Yoseob nodded, “I really really really liked her, but…”

“And this is why you avoided me?”

Yoseob stared back into Doojoon’s eyes and nodded, “I thought you will definitely hate me and be disgusted and think that I am weird and – “ Doojoon playfully chocked Yoseob’s neck with his arm and ruffled his hair.

 “You are so stupid and tiny.”

“Yoseobah, let’s go!”

Doojoon waved to Yoseob from the school entrance. It was graduation day and their last day of being a high schooler. Yoseob waved back and ran towards Doojoon. The older slung his arm around Yoseob’s neck and pulled him towards their usual spicy rice cakes cart. The nice ahjumma smiled upon seeing the both of them plopped down on the wooden bench and ladled more food into their plates. 

It was a long way to go for the both of them. But a small chapter of their lives had ended sweetly, and the future was another battle they must face.

But not now, the future could wait.

Because for now, they needed to eat spicy rice cakes.