The next time Bobby sees Hanbin he's completely up to date on his life. He'd looked up the program at first out of mild interest, reading about it but not expecting to watch it. Two days later, though, he'd watched the entire show and was surprised to find himself tearing up during the final episode, listening to Hanbin's emotional rap about carrying the lives of his teammates on his shoulders. He can't imagine what it must have been like, going through such a tough period only to get nothing to show for it. Bobby doesn't know how Hanbin's still going, doesn't think he'd be able to.

It makes him think about his own life and he feels like he's accomplished nothing so far compared to Hanbin. The toughest moment he's ever faced was boarding a plane to Korea, the first time in his life he'd ever said goodbye to his parents. It's only for the summer, of course, honestly it's more like an extended vacation. He gets to compete on a televised program doing something he loves, and outside of helping his aunt out at her restaurant, he has no responsibilities.

Hanbin, on the other hand, is probably busy every day, trying to compose songs to keep his team together, leading them through gruelling practice after gruelling practice, all while watching friends he trained with prepare for their own debut. Bobby can't help but feel slighted on Hanbin's behalf.

He’s not sure why Hanbin seems to have opened up to him in ways he’s not opening to the others, Woosung in particular. He’s grateful, whatever the reason is, but it’s still confusing. He wonders if Hanbin even has any friends outside of his company? Probably not, if he's so focused on making the idol thing work out. Bobby doesn't know when he'd have time to see anyone. If Hanbin can't even spare an hour to join them all after a taping, when else would he have time for them?

Bobby arrives at the taping studio early and he makes his way to the back, stowing his bag in his team's dressing room. He passes by the YG room and pauses when he sees Hanbin laying on the floor. The door is open but the lights are off, and Hanbin's got his headphones in. Bobby just stands there watching him, curious about what he's doing, wondering if he should find some believable excuse for interrupting him. Maybe to make sure he's okay? He really just wants an excuse to talk to him, especially if no one else is around yet.

So he enters the room and nudges Hanbin's leg with his foot. Hanbin cracks an eye open and looks up at him, sitting up and pulling his headphones out and Bobby's surprised to hear what sounds like heavy guitars and drums coming out of the earbuds. He'd have never pegged Hanbin as someone who would listen to hard rock music. Full of surprises.

“Sorry for intruding,” Bobby says to him with a smile, “I just got worried when I saw you lying there. Wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Hanbin nods but keeps his head down, eyes averted as he turns the music off. “Yeah, I'm good.” It's a curt answer that practically screams stop talking to me and Bobby’s taken aback at the abruptness of it all. Usually Hanbin seems excited to see him, he greets him with a big smile and friendly eyes, but today he’s closed off. Bobby knows about him now, knows what he’s gone through, and he wants the happier Hanbin he’s gotten to know to come back. This quiet one in front of him now has him worried.

“What are you listening to?” He asks, because he figures it’s an easier way to start a conversation than asking Hanbin if everything is okay.

Hanbin shrugs and winds the earbuds around his phone. “Ah, just some German song.”

“German?” Bobby asks, surprised. “You speak German?”

Hanbin’s expression is slightly embarrassed at the question. “Nope, just,” he shrugs, like he's got no idea how to explain what he's thinking, “sometimes I like to listen to music in languages I don't speak. Helps me think without getting distracted.”

“That makes sense,” Bobby says, though it’s something he’s never done before. “What's the song about?”

“I don't know,” Hanbin replies, “that's kind of the whole point. Just wanted to listen to something that has a certain sound and kind of make up my own meaning.” He keeps looking at everything except Bobby, and that's got Bobby wondering if he's touching on some personal nerve of Hanbin's. He decides to sit down, since Hanbin hasn't asked him to leave.

“So, what's your meaning for the song?” He wants to ask Hanbin if he can hear it. He hopes that won’t be pushing him too much.

Hanbin bites his lip and takes a few seconds to reply, and Bobby worries that he's going to skirt his way around giving an actual answer. But Hanbin surprises him in the end.

“Well, it's got a kind of sad, hopeless vibe,” he begins, “but then it gets kind of angry? So it just feels like a guy singing about being stuck in this situation, like I picture it being something he thought he wanted, but then when he's in it, he's not so sure anymore? But he can't find a way out of it.”

“Is that how you feel?” Bobby asks him without thinking, and Hanbin shoots him a wounded look that surprises Bobby with its intensity.

“What, you think I hate my life, or something?” Hanbin asks, and Bobby scrambles to fix whatever he did wrong. He’s never encountered Hanbin like this before, angry and cold-shouldered.

“I don't know, I just thought, you know, why else would you be listening to it?” He's probably just making it worse, but he’s trying to salvage what he can.

“For inspiration?” Hanbin shoots back, looking annoyed.

Bobby's face scrunches into a look of confusion at Hanbin's unexpected answer. “Why the would you want to be inspired about someone who hates their life choices?” Hanbin's expression is such a mixture of confused and annoyed that it makes Bobby grin.

Hanbin doesn't answer right away, and Bobby feels like Hanbin is coming to some sort of judgement about him. He waits patiently for Hanbin's verdict, hoping he hasn't shot himself in the foot.

Hanbin shrugs and his face loses the anger. “It’s a long story, and kinda personal. It just helps to be in an angry mood sometimes.”

Bobby nods, even though he disagrees. He hates feeling angry, does anything in his power to be as happy as possible as often as possible. But then he hasn’t gone through the things Hanbin has gone through. So he shouldn’t judge.

“Why are you even listening to angry German music, anyway?” Bobby asks. “I don't mean to pry, but why do you want to be angry?” He’s relieved that Hanbin has lost the glare, but he’s more concerned for it. What long story is he keeping to himself?

Hanbin shrugs again, and his eyes are back on his hands instead of on Bobby. “I've just had a lot to be angry about, lately.”

Okay, so Hanbin’s not budging. Bobby is still determined to chip away. “But why German? What made you pick that language?”

Hanbin's expression turns a little sheepish then, and Bobby can't help but think that the softer expression just makes him look cute. “I wanted angry music to listen to while writing lyrics one day, but anything in Korean or English just distracted me. So I searched for what language was the angriest, and German seemed to come out on top. So then I searched for angry German music, and found this band. Went through their stuff and found some songs that fit what I was looking for.”

“Can I listen?” Bobby asks, and he thinks that maybe he's pushing it with the question, but Hanbin doesn't bristle, just glances down at his phone. Hanbin starts unwinding his headphones and Bobby smiles because it feels like he's won some kind of victory. He takes the offered earbuds from Hanbin and plugs them in, happy that Hanbin’s sharing this with him.

The song is quite pretty at the beginning, but he can hear exactly what Hanbin described in the music, and it’s all kind of haunting. Not really his thing, and listening to it actually has him feeling a little worried about how Hanbin’s doing. He must be having some terribly upsetting thoughts if he’s taking comfort in this sort of song. But he’s pried enough about it for today, so he doesn’t ask.

Instead he hands the earbuds back with a smile and expresses his gratitude for Hanbin sharing it with him. It’s worth it when Hanbin smiles and says that it’s not a big deal. But Hanbin’s whole demeanour is so drastically different now that Bobby thinks that it probably was a big deal. Hanbin may still be a puzzle to him, but Bobby’s slowly putting him together.

“So, how come you never come out with us after tapings?” Bobby asks, because he feels like he might get a legit answer out of Hanbin after this.

Hanbin shakes his head and fixes him with an incredulous look. “Bobby, maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm not really good with new people.”

“You're fine with me!” Bobby replies, fixing Hanbin with an eye crinkling smile.

It works wonders on Hanbin, who smiles back at him in that dimpled-cheek cute kind of way. “Well that's because you were the first person who was friendly to me.”

Bobby takes it as a small victory. He hears voices and footsteps in the hall then and seconds later he sees some of the other contestants drifting by, including his own teammates. He wishes he could have more time with Hanbin, but he thinks he's made a good use of the time he had, because Hanbin's smiling at him now. Time to be bold.

“So, I know you probably have zero time to socialize outside of work, but take my number anyway,” Bobby offers, hoping Hanbin won't awkwardly turn him down, “you never know when you might need five minutes to talk to someone who's not in the idol business.”

Hanbin looks like he’s fighting with himself, but before he gets the chance the turn Bobby’s offer down his fingers are already working on his phone and he's passing it over to Bobby, telling him to add his number to his contacts. Bobby gleefully types his number in, titling it “SMTM Ji₩ aka Bobby” and when Hanbin snorts in laughter at his chosen name, Bobby's feeling pretty good.

He gets up to leave but turns around at the door. “Call me some time!” Bobby demands, and he hopes Hanbin doesn't just think he's offering for show. “I mean it! I don't have many friends here so I'm bored.”

Hanbin smiles back and says he'll text him some time if he's got a spare minute. Bobby leaves then and heads for his own dressing room, and as soon as he settles into the couch next to Chamane his phone dings with a new message.

It's from Hanbin.

'good luck tonite, hyung! thank you for the talk it was nice :)'

Bobby quickly saves his number, unable to hide the smile from his face.

Operation 'Befriend Hanbin' has just taken a huge leap into the realm of possibility.

It’s not that Hanbin meant to tell Bobby as much as he’d told him. Because he hadn’t. But he’s been drowning lately, ever since Sunday when he went home to see his parents. He’d told s it was because he needed inspiration for his solo track on the next round of SMTM, and while that wasn’t a lie, it also wasn’t the entire truth.

He’d gone because his mother had asked him to, and when he’d told her he was busy, she’d told him that he had to. Apparently there was something going on that he needed to be aware of.

He’d been afraid it was about his sister. Was Hanbyul sick? Was something wrong with her? He’d give everything up for her if he had to, no questions asked. But he’d kept his fears to himself, hadn’t even confided in Jinhwan. He couldn’t, not until he knew what the issue was.

So he’d left them Sunday morning under Jinhwan’s charge and he’d gotten a ride to his parents’ house in a company car. His nerves were firing the entire car ride, to the point that he’d closed his eyes and concentrated on nothing more than deep breaths the entire way there. When he made it home he was surprised that it was only his parents. His sister was with their grandparents.

He quickly found out why.
 

“There’s an investigation pending at your father’s company,” his mom began the explanation, and Hanbin finds himself looking at his father in surprise, because how bad can it be if he can’t even explain it himself? “There have been reports made to the police about some fraudulent financial situations.”

The words go over his head at first listen. He’s stuck on only one of them—fraudulent. His mother keeps talking but Hanbin’s eyes are stuck on his father, who sits across from him, head bowed.

“A few people are being investigated by the police, and your father is one of them.”

He finally looks back at his mother, and his expression is one of disbelief. Surely this isn’t real?

She understands the look and reaches out to take his hand. “This has been ongoing for a month already, but we didn’t want to burden you with it until we knew more.”

A month. They’ve known about this for an entire month without telling him. How could they do that? His eyes flit between his parents, he doesn’t know which one of them to look at. He wants to speak but he has no idea what to say. He’s still in shock.

“It doesn’t look good. The company has had to take precautions, of course. Once the investigations started, your father was replaced as CEO. We’ve been in discussions with our lawyer about it, and what with the evidence against the upper management, it just doesn’t look good.”

It doesn’t look good. What is she trying to say? He locks his gaze on his father.

“Dad?” He waits until his father’s usually strong gaze finds him, and he’s surprised by what he sees. Not once in his life has he seen his father look weak. His entire life has been filled with nothing but pictures of his father as a strong, confident man. That is not what he sees now before him.

His father’s look is one of shame and fear intermingled. “I’m sorry, Hanbin.”

“Did you do it?” He asks because he needs to know. He’d have never thought his father would be the type to do something so terrible.

“Does it really matter, in the end?” His father replies, but Hanbin doesn’t understand the answer.

“Of course it matters. Why would you even say that?”

His father sighs loudly before answering, and his mother keeps her death grip on his hand. Hanbin is glad Hanbyul isn’t here. She’s too young for this.

“We asked you to come here today to tell you that I’ve agreed to take a plea deal.”

“A plea deal?” Hanbin repeats, terrified what he means by that.

“There’s too much evidence that links me to having knowledge of this going on that I wouldn’t be able to fight it.”

Hanbin feels sick to his stomach with the explanation—is he admitting guilt or not?

“My lawyer is going to demand that with my deal comes a guarantee of silence. I don’t want this to get out, I don’t want it to affect you.”

“But did you do it?” Hanbin asks, desperation layered over fear.

His father looks at him with tired eyes, face creased in worry. “It doesn’t matter. The accusation alone is enough to damage you, you know the public won’t care what the truth is. They will put my mistakes on your shoulders, and I cannot allow that.”

“But did you do it?” He repeats, his voice louder, angrier, like the recoil of a shotgun.

“No.”

“Then why are you taking a deal to say you did?” Hanbin can’t help but feel like it’s a betrayal. He can’t be the son of a criminal (even if it’s not true, police reports will always show the opposite).

“To keep it quiet. You know what will happen if this gets out. Even if I fight it, there’s enough evidence that I will still be convicted. Because in truth, I should have seen what was happening, had I been paying attention to the books.”

“But it’s not your job to look for that—”

His father interrupts him and his face hardens in disagreement. “But it is. Or it was. You should know that, Hanbin. When you’re a leader, and someone under your lead does something wrong, you take responsibility for it, because you should have known. That’s your job as a leader, to be aware of your team.”

It’s such a slap in the face, but it’s true. He knows it from his own responsibilities, and his father knows that. He faced it during WIN with Seungjae, faced it after WIN, again with Seungjae. He’s gone to bat for s numerous times when he didn’t have to, and he’s always shouldered the responsibility for it. His father knows that too well.

“And even if I did fight it and win, you still know what people would say. That your company paid the judge. That YG paid to cover this up so you could debut. Either way, Hanbin, you will suffer, and you will be put at risk. If I take the deal, there’s a good chance this will never get out.”

That’s not enough for Hanbin. “But what if it does? What if it gets out, and then it was all for nothing. I can’t let you have a criminal record just to try and keep this all quiet. I can’t.” How can his parents think he’d be okay with this? How could they have made this decision without consulting him?

His father shakes his head and his face loses the hardness, replaces it with guilt. “That’s not your call, Hanbin. It’s mine. Let me do what I can to protect you.”

Since he became old enough to truly understand emotions and how important it is to mask them, Hanbin can count the number of times he’s cried in front of other people on one hand, and he hates that right now he’s adding another. But he can’t stop the tears from coming out and he tugs his hand out of his mother’s grip and buries his face in his palms, trying to stifle the sobs that come up from his throat. He feels a hand on his back and he doesn’t know which one of them it is, and he doesn’t care.

This can’t be happening. Is it some kind of sign that he’s not meant to pursue music? Is that what this is? A warning?

‘Turn back now or face the spiteful wrath of fate. You are not meant for this; you are not meant for good things.’

His father is right. It doesn’t matter what he does. Either way, Hanbin is doomed, and there is no way to escape it.
 

He’d spent the better part of the day with his parents, and he hadn’t even had the heart to tell them about Mix & Match. They know about SMTM and when they ask him how he’s doing he says it’s going well. But he keeps M&M to himself, because even though he’s angry that they kept their struggles from him for a month, he understands all too well why.

His parents have enough on their plate right now without worrying about him struggling through yet another survival show. So he lies and tells them that he’s enjoying SMTM (which he is, but he’s also having a tough time) and he doesn’t tell them a word about M&M, doesn’t tell them about the new trainees that are the life out of him, doesn’t tell them about constant sleepless nights and constant days of feeling sick to his stomach at all hours.

They bring Hanbyul home at his request and he gets to spend a few hours with her. He reads her a book and listens to her tell him about all her princess toys, and when he holds her close and cries into her hair he lies to her too and says the tears are just because he misses her so much, and maybe it’s only half a lie but the truth is that he’s crying because he’s afraid for her too. She’s not old enough to understand what’s about to happen to their father. She doesn’t understand that he’s doing it to protect Hanbin.

It’s difficult to get himself together when he’s with her, but she’s not old enough to understand why he’s breaking down. At least his parents understood his tears, but he doesn’t want to make her feel bad. Instead he helps her pick out one of her princess toys and he helps her pack a tiny bag of clothes for it, and she makes him write down a list of things the princess will need every day, because she’s insisting that he take it with him when he goes back to the dorm.

If Hanbyul can’t go with him when he leaves, she wants him to take one of her dolls with him, one of her friends to watch over him, and he’s not sure if he’s ever going to be able to look at her doll without crying. She’s too young for all of this, and Hanbin’s so afraid for her.

But he’s afraid for himself, too, and he’s afraid for s, and he’s afraid for his mother, having to shoulder all of this alone, and he’s afraid for his father, because he’s going too far to protect his family.

Hanbin tries not to feel guilty about it, and right now he doesn’t.

But in a few hours, when he lays down to sleep, he knows the guilt will come at him full-force then, and he knows that in the end, he’s going to let it consume him.

But he’ll endure it, and he won’t tell any of the others about it, not until he absolutely has to.

Because that’s his job as the leader. He has to shoulder the burden alone so the others don’t suffer.

And if he falls apart in the process? Well, that’s just the price of the industry. It won’t always be happy, and it won’t always be easy. But it’s always worth it, if it works out in the end. He has to keep telling himself that in order to survive.

 

Author Note: The situation with Hanbin's dad is inspired by real life controversy back in 2014. I never did find any concrete details about what happened, so this is just my take on it for the story. I apologize if it makes anyone uncomfortable, but I think it is an important thing to remember that Hanbin really was dealing with during the summer of 2014.