So this is back!! It's not over!! Originally I was going to write one epilogue chapter, but then it started to get really long, so I decided to break it up into multiple epilogue chapters. I'm not sure how many there will be, but these guys want to tell more of their story so who am I to say no?

It starts five years after the scandal, so it's actually taking place now. Right in 2019!

This first part is mostly Hanbin and Seungjae (but Bobby and Jinhwan are in it as well. We'll see Robbie again too, for everyone who loved him! We'll also see Seungjae reuniting with the rest of iKON as well. How will it go? Will it cause friction? Will they want nothing to do with him? How will he and Bobby treat each other??

:)

Hanbin—

I’m sorry.

It’s been five years since the last time we spoke. I wanted to do this sooner, but at the same time I wanted to give you space. I’ve spent the past three years trying to figure out how to say this to you, but I guess at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter how it makes me feel. This apology is for you, so I decided to try and say what you would want to hear.

I’ve been watching you guys, and I want to say first and foremost how proud I am of you. All of you, but you most of all. Of course it still stings because if I hadn’t been such a spoiled brat, I’d be with you and this letter wouldn’t even be happening. But I ruined my chances, all of them, so instead I’ve just been watching from the sidelines, and no matter how hard it gets to watch and think of what could have been, I haven’t let myself look away.

I’m not going to lie and say that I’m happy to see how quickly you guys replaced me, or that my replacement seemed to fit in so easily. I wanted to hate Bobby at first, which I guess is to be expected. He managed to come in and take the spot that had always been mine, and even though he didn’t spend all those years training like I did, he carved out his spot all the same. (Seriously though kudos to you for how well you managed to work in his inexperienced dancer abilities! Do you ever sit back and watch old debut videos? He used to try so hard to dance properly and now four years later he’s kind of given up and honestly it’s sort of endearing. I can see why the fans like him so much.)

I don’t know if you ever think about me, but knowing you as well as I do, I think you probably never stopped, did you? You were always like that, you always kept everything in your head, even if you used to pretend that you didn’t. I know that what I did really hurt you, and I wish I could have been strong enough and mature enough then to see what I was doing to myself. I let you be the easy scapegoat, when all along the person I should have been angry at was myself. 

Nothing that happened was your fault. I know that you know that, but I hope you believe it too. There wasn’t anything else you could have done for me. I dug my own grave, even though I had every opportunity not to. I’m sorry I chose to let you go thinking that you could have done more to help me. I had one chance to apologize then and I didn’t make use of it, and I know you’ve suffered for it ever since.

I’m sorry. You deserved better from me. I just want you to know now that I have grown a lot, and I’m not the same selfish, immature kid I was then. I hope this letter can give you the closure I should have been willing to give you back then. I’m sorry I made you wait five years for a better version of myself.

I hope you continue to prosper and show the world the best of yourself. Please believe me when I say that watching you get your due accolades gives me peace. You deserve every single good thing everyone says about you and you deserve more.

Always be proud of yourself and always be happy!
Seungjae
 

“Wow, that’s, well, I’m not entirely sure what I expected when you said he wrote you a letter. Was he right, though? Was it what you wanted to hear?”

Hanbin stubbornly blinks the tears back in his eyes. “It was.”

“Then, this is a good thing, right? We’re happy about this?”

Hanbin smiles at Bobby’s question, reaching out to take his hand. “Yes, we’re happy about it.”

Bobby grins and squeezes his hand. “Are you surprised to hear from him?”

“Honestly, yeah. I always hoped he’d reach out when he was ready to, but I always told myself it would take longer. I mean, five years is a long time. But it still feels like it was just yesterday that it all happened.”

“Are you gonna contact him?”

Hanbin doesn’t answer right away, and after a minute of staring at Bobby’s hand intertwined with his own, he finally looks up to meet Bobby’s eyes. “I don’t know.”

“Do you want to?” Bobby asks. He’s certain he knows the answer, but this is something that Hanbin has to handle at his own pace.

“Yes, I want to.” Hanbin’s answer is immediate. “But just because I want to, it doesn’t mean that I should.”

Bobby looks at him in confusion. “You lost me. Why wouldn’t you reach back? He seems genuine, you guys were really close. He probably misses you.”

Hanbin sighs, because he’s not sure how to explain it. “I’m sure he does. I miss him too. But I just feel wary of the whole thing. I just wasn’t expecting this to happen so soon. I don’t know what to think.”

“What have you got to lose? Besides, haven’t you been saying that you’ve been super uninspired lately? Maybe seeing him again and talking will give you something to write about.”

Hanbin feels touched by the comment. Bobby has a point, but the fact that he’s making it, knowing how he felt at one time about Seungjae… It’s nice to feel so trusted.

“He left his number, so give him a call. Or text him and set up a meeting. Don’t just sit on this, okay? It’ll eat you up, we both know that. This is your chance. You can get proper closure, or maybe you don’t have to get closure at all. Maybe it’s a fresh start instead.”

Hanbin looks at him and takes a deep breath, wonders if Bobby’s right.

It could be a fresh start for them. Because Seungjae was right—Hanbin’s never stopped thinking about him. As happy as he’s been over the past five years, as wonderful as things have been with Bobby in the group, it still never really helped him deal with losing Seungjae, because they’re two different people who mean different things to him.

But now he has a chance to get Seungjae back to some degree. Provided Seungjae wants to come back in his life. Still, best to meet in person and talk about it.

“Okay, I’ll text him and see about meeting up. Thanks for being so supportive.” Hanbin brings Bobby’s hand up to his mouth, pressing his lips to the back of it.

Bobby smiles at him. “I know this means a lot to you, Bin. I want you to be happy, and I know that this will do you good. I hope he’s ready for it too.” Bobby scoots up on the bed next to Hanbin and lies down, pulling Hanbin down next to him. Hanbin settles in with his head on Bobby’s chest, feeling peaceful at the moment. He feels Bobby’s lips press softly against his forehead and it makes him smile.

Whatever happens with Seungjae, he’ll be okay, because he always this to come back to, and Bobby’s not going anywhere.
 

“Hey, hyung? I need to talk to you for a minute.”

Jinhwan looks up from the notebook he’d been writing in, eyes falling on a serious looking Hanbin. “What’s up?”

Hanbin enters Jinhwan’s room and closes the door behind him, making his way over to the bed to sit down. He feels a sudden rush of nostalgia for how things were five years ago. “Remember our first dorm? When it was just three of us?”

Jinhwan grins and turns his chair to face Hanbin. “Yeah, that tiny place. Three of us in one bedroom.”

Hanbin grins back. “We were so excited when we got Yunhyeong and Junhoe and got to move into this place,” Hanbin leans back on his hands, eyes on Jinhwan, “then Seungjae won that round of rock, paper, scissors and got his own room.”

“Only to come whining to me that first night that he missed sleeping together,” Jinhwan replies, “and then an hour later who shows up at my bed, whining that Junhoe’s snoring woke him up?”

Hanbin laughs at the memory. “It took us some adjusting, didn’t it? We complained so much about having no space, but then when we had it, we still stuck to each other like glue.”

“Yeah, and now here we are, two separate apartments. We’ve come a long way.” Jinhwan says, curious why Hanbin’s bringing up the past. It’s not that they ever refuse to talk about it, but it feels like there’s a purpose to the trek down memory lane. He waits as Hanbin seems to take a moment to collect himself.

“I got a letter from Seungjae.”

Jinhwan’s mouth drops open in shock. He tries to find answers in Hanbin’s expression, but he’s maddeningly neutral. “And?”

“It was a good letter,” Hanbin starts, “the kind of letter I always hoped I’d read one day.”

Jinhwan smiles at the answer, feeling relieved. “How did you get it? Did he send it to the company?”

“No, he left it at my mom’s store. Wanted to make sure I actually got it, I guess.” His mother had refused to answer any questions about the drop off, but Hanbin was certain she’d spoken to him for a while. Seungjae had always had a good relationship with Hanbin’s parents, and his mother wasn’t the sort of person who held grudges.

“Wow. How long has it been? Five years?” The passage of time is a funny thing. On one hand, Jinhwan has never felt further removed from a period in his life than he feels from that time, but on the other hand, some days it feels like they only debuted a year ago.

“Yeah, I didn’t realize at first, but I got the letter exactly five years to the day that his whole scandal came out. Like he asked my mom to wait for that specific day before giving me the letter.”

Jinhwan isn’t sure how to feel about that, but if Hanbin is happy, then he supposes it doesn’t matter. “So what did he say?”

“He just apologized, took ownership of everything. I’ll let you read it, but that’s not actually why I’m here.” Hanbin meets his eyes and takes a breath to steel his nerves. “He left me his number, and I texted him to meet up. I wanted to talk to him in person.”

Jinhwan’s surprised again. “When?”

“Today. In an hour, actually.” They’re meeting at his parent’s apartment, because it seemed like the safest neutral ground he could think of that Seungjae knew. He doesn’t want to risk meeting in public. Not for the first time, at least.

“What do you want from me, then?” Jinhwan asks, pushing down the slightly hurt feelings that are sitting in the pit of his stomach. Seungjae had chosen to reach out to Hanbin only, and no matter how much he wants to be a part of the conversation, Jinhwan knows that he has to respect that. If it goes well with Hanbin, he’s sure he’ll get his own meeting with Seungjae.

Hanbin is silent for a moment, trying to figure out what he actually wants. He’s been feeling weird about the whole thing, but he’s never been able to pinpoint why. He looks at Jinhwan and finally gives in to that fragile insecurity he’s been keeping locked away in his brain all these years. “I want you to tell me that I’m not an idiot for wanting to forgive him. Tell me it’s okay that I want us to be friends again.”

Jinhwan’s heart feels like it’s about to knock a hole through his chest, it’s beating so fast. It’s been some time since Hanbin has come to him like this, not since late 2017 when it felt like everything was falling apart. Seeing Hanbin willingly put himself in a vulnerable position is still such a foreign thing.

“Of course it’s okay,” Jinhwan replies, “just because someone does a bad thing, it doesn’t mean you have to give up on them for life. People are allowed to grow and change and learn from their mistakes, and you’re allowed to accept someone back after they’ve hurt you. It doesn’t make you an idiot. Forgiving someone can be very powerful. You’re not wrong to want that.”

Hanbin nods, relieved to hear it. “I never stopped missing him. I thought at first that having Bobby would fill that void, but it’s not the same.”

“Of course not, you can’t replace people in your heart. All you can do is make room for more people in there.” Jinhwan feels the same way. He loves Bobby and wouldn’t give him up for anything, but there are still times randomly throughout the day when he thinks about Seungjae, distant memories that get jogged by keywords or songs or pictures. He’s sure the others feel the same way.

“I’m afraid that he’ll be such a different person now that I won’t feel the same. Like, his memory is so strong in my head, he was such an important part of that period of time. I don’t want my memories to be diminished by who he might be now. Does that make sense?”

Jinhwan nods slowly, because Hanbin does raise a good point. “It’s been so long since you’ve seen him, who knows if you even really remember him accurately. We’ve probably all romanticized those memories to a degree, letting the things we didn’t like fall to the side and only remembering the good.”

“There wasn’t anything I didn’t like,” Hanbin says then, and part of him wonders if he should really be dragging up old ghosts. Especially alone.

Jinhwan tilts his and looks at him ponderingly, like he’s working out some equation in his head. Suddenly his eyes get wide. “You had feelings for Seungjae, didn’t you?” Hanbin doesn’t answer, but Jinhwan can tell by the way his shoulders sink back that his guess is correct. He’s not surprised to find it out, but he is surprised that he’d never worked it out sooner. “You’re worried you might still have feelings for him.”

“I love Bobby, I know that. It’s been five years since we’ve been together, and even though things with us have changed over time, he’s still the person I want to spend my life with. But yes, to answer your question, I am worried that when I see Jae again, all of my buried feelings for him are going to come back. I just don’t know if I’m ready to deal with all of that.” It feels a little relieving to get it off his chest.

“Does Bobby know?” Jinhwan asks.

“Yeah, well he knows how I felt back then. And he’s the one who pushed me to see Jae.” It’s not that Hanbin’s worried about something happening that’ll make him undeserving of Bobby’s trust. It’s just the mental anguish rearing its head that he’s worried about.

“All you can do is meet him and let your brain do whatever it’s going to do. Because even if you call it off, you’ll obsess over it. You just have to cross the bridge and deal with the repercussions. Just don’t hide your feelings, come and talk to me if you’re mixed up after. I’m always here for you.”

Hanbin smiles at him then, feeling better for hearing it. “Yeah, I know I can always count on you. So many times I’d have been lost without you, hyung. I know I don’t show you enough gratitude, I know I’m bad at that. But I appreciate you always looking out for me.”

Jinhwan smiles and almost can’t bring himself to look at Hanbin. It’s so rare to get words like that out of him. But that makes it mean so much more when he does. He finally looks up to meet his gaze. “Thank you. Now get out of here before you’re late. I hope it goes well.”

Hanbin stands up then and walks over to the door, pausing to look back at Jinhwan. “Thanks for the talk, hyung. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, my head’s been buzzing about this so much that it’s hard to think.”

“That’s okay, it’s a big deal.”

“I’ll tell him you say hi.” Hanbin winks and opens the door, leaving Jinhwan’s bedroom.

Jinhwan grins and yells after him. “Tell him if he acts up I’ll kick his .” Hanbin just laughs, and after a moment Jinhwan picks up his pen again and flips a page, fresh inspiration bringing new words to his head.
 

He’s lying on the bed in his room, waiting, and with every minute that ticks closer he can’t stop the barrage of stupid thoughts that enter his head—

what if this is a hoax and he doesn’t show?
what if he does come, but the letter was a lie and he just wants to curse me out?
what if he’s found out about me and bobby and he’s here to blackmail me?
what if he doesn’t actually miss me as much as i miss him?

There’s a knock at his door and he jolts upright suddenly, expecting his mother, but it’s not her.

Instead it’s the first face he ever fell in love with, the same but five years older. The eyes look a little kinder, and the smile is soft but hesitant in a way he can never remember seeing it. They stare at each other for a moment before Seungjae speaks.

“Hi,” he greets, but nothing else comes after that, like they’re both shellshocked and unable to process the situation. Finally Hanbin shakes himself out of his stupor and stands up.

“Uh, hey, come in, come,” he feels flustered, like he needs another half hour to make his brain work.

Seungjae enters his room and Hanbin can’t stop himself from taking in his appearance. He’s grown a few inches, probably the same height as Junhoe and Chanwoo, and Hanbin can see the definition of muscles given his clingy t-shirt. He feels like his brain might short-circuit.

Seungjae walks right up to him, soft eyes looking down at him, and it feels so weird. There’s a hesitance in his movement that throws Hanbin for a loop, until he realizes that Seungjae is just waiting for him to give a cue. This is Hanbin’s meeting, and despite asking for it he never really responded to the purpose of Seungjae’s letter.

It’s been five years, but the connection wakes up again suddenly, fresh out of its slumber, and Hanbin reaches for Seungjae only for Seungjae to reach back, and then they’re standing with arms wrapped around each other, clinging so tightly it’s almost painful.

Hanbin pulls back first but he holds on to Seungjae’s arms, looking at his face, unable to tear his eyes away. He’s gorgeous, he can’t help but think to himself. But then he remembers, once again, that he needs to be the first one to speak. He needs to set the tone.

“It’s so good to see you again,” he says, and god does he ever mean it.

“Is it?” Seungjae asks, still hesitant, and Hanbin can see the struggle on his face, the way Seungjae’s blinking back tears.

“Yes, it is. It’s been too long. I missed you.” Originally he’d meant to hold his emotions in for a bit, to approach their meeting a little guardedly. But it just doesn’t feel right, it’s not what he needs.

Seungjae finally smiles at his comment, drawing in a shaky breath. “I missed you too, I’m sorry it took so long, I just—I’m just sorry. For everything.” The smile disappears into a pained expression and suddenly they’re hugging again, but this time Seungjae’s weight is heavier, almost like he has trouble holding himself up.

Hanbin pulls him down to sit on the end of his bed and reaches out to take his hand, squeezing it tightly but saying nothing.

Seungjae finally looks at him after a moment. “I’m sorry, I’ve just been so ing nervous about this for the past few days. I didn’t know if you’d just want to curse me out and tell me to leave, or what you wanted.”

Hanbin can’t help but laugh suddenly, and he laughs even harder when Seungjae gives him a confused look. It takes him a moment to get a hold on himself. “I’m sorry, it’s not funny, but it’s just that I’ve been really nervous too. I kept wondering if this was some hoax.”

Seungjae frowns then, but if his expressions are still the same then Hanbin knows that he’s not actually upset. Just sulking. “What do you mean you thought it was a hoax? I hand wrote you a letter and then you message me, don’t say anything about the letter, but just tell me you want to meet. I had way more to be nervous about than you.”

Hanbin laughs again, and this time Seungjae grins at him, and when Hanbin leans against him and looks up, Seungjae puts an arm around him and draws him into another hug. Hanbin can feel the tension leaving Seungjae’s body.

“So, tell me about your life,” Hanbin says, because now that they’re over the awkward hump of seeing each other face-to-face, he’s desperate to get caught up. “What have you been up to over the past five years?”

Seungjae drops his arm and pulls his feet up onto the bed, crossing his legs. “After they let me off from the charges, my parents gave me an ultimatum. Go to the army or go to university. I was too angry to go to the army, too nervous as well. I didn’t want to look at people there and have them know me as some spoiled ex-idol trainee.”

“So you did university then? Where did you go?”

“I actually moved to France, with my sister,” Seungjae explains, grinning at Hanbin’s surprised expression, “she was studying in Paris, asked my parents if I could go and stay with her for a while.”

“You moved to France?” Hanbin repeats, feeling jealous. As well as things have been going for him with the music, he still hasn’t gotten the chance to travel as much as he’d like, and France has always been a country on his list.

“Yeah, I don’t know what kind of strings my mom pulled, but she got me in at her old university.” His mother actually held joint citizenship, Korean and French, and was still active as an alumni from her old school. “So I moved to Paris, stayed with my sister in her apartment.”

Hanbin listens in fascination, intrigued by the complete shift Seungjae’s life had taken. “What did you study?”

“Music,” he answers, “shocking, right? It was good, though. Harin rode my during the first few months, wouldn’t let me do anything fun.” Seungjae smiles about it now, but at the time he’d been full of intense anger and frustration, still too immature to take responsibility for his own mistakes.

Hanbin grins, remembering Seungjae’s sister from the few times he’d met her. “I’m surprised she kept you around.”

“Oh she threatened me every week with sending me back home,” Seungjae replies with a laugh, “but she broke me eventually. Just picked away long enough at everything, until one day I just had this massive breakdown.”

“Yeah?” Hanbin can’t help but feel a tiny flare of protective energy rise up, even though it’s ridiculous. They’re talking about the past, and Seungjae seems fine now, he doesn’t need protecting anymore. But some habits are hard to break.

“That was the first time in, god I don’t know how long? Years, maybe? I just cried, for like a good hour. Felt like a different person after, which sounds stupid but it’s true.”

“It’s not stupid,” Hanbin cuts in, “sometimes you spend so long burying things that you don’t even even realize how affected you are. But then everything comes out and suddenly you’re not held back anymore, and you can make sense of things.”

“That’s exactly it,” Seungjae replies, “I felt this bright sort of clarity settle over me, like I knew that I had screwed up, and I could admit it for the first time. I spent a few months writing an insane amount of music, but I hated it all.”

“Really?” Hanbin asks, surprised to hear it. He tends to write his best music when he goes through those periods of clearing his mind.

“Yeah, but that’s because it wasn’t what I wanted to write. I think it was what I needed to write, though. It was all depressing, whiny bull. Like some emo crap twelve year olds would swoon over.” Seungjae jokes, laughing at himself, feeling good when he hears Hanbin laugh too. “But I had to get it out of my head, I think.”

“I can relate to that,” Hanbin replies now that he understands, “and you’re right, sometimes you just have to write what’s there so it’ll go away. You said you were stuck for months, though, how’d you finally get over it?”

Seungjae smiles suddenly, thinking back to the memories of that time. It had truly been a period of rediscovery. “I met a girl, we had a class together in my second semester. It wasn’t anything serious at the beginning, we just started hanging out outside of class. She was really into breakdancing, she’d moved to Paris from Belgium just to join a b-girl crew with some dancers she’d met at a competition.”

Hanbin feels conflicting emotions—it stings to hear him talk about a girl, but at the same time it’s entertaining because it’s such a cliché, and her story almost sounds like some ridiculous teen movie. But Seungjae’s smiling, and he has to remind himself that any flaring emotions he has now are just the residue of five years of burying his feelings.

“So you were saved by love?” Hanbin says teasingly, grinning when Seungjae laughs.

“Don’t say it like that, it sounds so lame. But I guess, yeah, in a way. I think it’s more like, I was so hung up on the past, because I didn’t have anything else to focus my attention on. I was mad at myself for ing up what I had, I missed you guys. But then I met her, and she introduced me to a bigger crew, and what with my dance training, I started b-boying. That’s what really made the difference, being part of a crew again. I didn’t realize how much I needed something like that in my life.”

Hanbin feels relieved to hear it, that Seungjae had missed them. “Did you keep rapping, or did you just focus on dancing?”

“I just focused on the dancing, actually. It was like learning a whole different way of expressing myself, it felt really good. I was still doing music at school, but it was different. I wasn’t writing whiny bull raps anymore, I was doing piano and guitar compositions, just happier music. I was positive, for the first time in a long time. That was probably the first time I was really happy since we lost WIN. All that anger I was still carrying around from that show was gone, finally. It felt liberating.”

Hanbin smiles as he listens to him, because it’s all good news. He can see the change in Seungjae, can see his personality. He’s still the same as he’d been before, but as he said—without the anger, without the bitter feelings. He’s a better version of himself. “I’m really happy to hear that. You were right, you know. I never did stop thinking about you. Even with Bobby there, I missed you. All the time.”

Their eyes meet then, and Hanbin can see something unexpected in Seungjae’s gaze. Like he’s grateful to hear it. Grateful to know that he hadn’t just been swept aside and easily replaced, that it had hurt Hanbin as much as he’d been hurting.

“I’m really sorry, Bin, I put you through such a time, I feel like I can never apologize enough for doing that to you.”

Hanbin shakes his head, reaching out to take Seungjae’s hand. “I don’t want you to keep apologizing,” he says, “I forgive you. Yes, you did really hurt me, and I’ve been hurt for a very long time. But I’m not hurt anymore, and I don’t want us to keep that over our heads. So do me a favour?” He says, squeezes Seungjae’s hand until he looks up at him.

“Anything,” Seungjae says, and he means it. He’s desperate to finally let go of the past. He just can’t do it without Hanbin’s forgiveness.

“Don’t apologize about it ever again, not to me. I know there are more apologies you have to give, and I don’t know if everyone will forgive you as easily. But don’t apologize to me again, okay?”

Seungjae squeezes his hand back and feels a thousand pounds lighter. He knows Hanbin’s right—he does have more apologies to give, but Hanbin’s was the most important, because he was the one he’d hurt the most. “Okay. I promise, no more apologizing from me, not for you.”

“Good,” Hanbin replies, “thanks.”

But Hanbin’s comment answers another question Seungjae has. “So, correct me if I’m wrong, but from what you’re saying, it kind of sounds like you want us to keep talking.”

“Aren’t we going to?” Hanbin asks, and he looks hopeful.

Seungjae smiles back at him. “Yeah, we are.”

Hanbin feels good about the response, but at the same time he knows that if he’s going to keep Seungjae around, then he needs to come clean with him. Needs to tell him everything. “Listen, there’s something else I need to tell you. I have no idea how you’re going to take this, but I have to admit it to you. It’s only fair, I think.”

Seungjae looks at him with narrowed eyes, curious about the sudden comment. “Should I be scared?” He asks, trying to lighten the suddenly serious mood. He literally has no idea what Hanbin’s about to say, and he can’t help but worry. Nerves churn in his gut as he waits.

Hanbin looks down at where their hands are still clasped, and he wonders if he should break the contact before. Just in case Seungjae has a problem with it. So he doesn’t fling his hand away in disgust. He hopes he won’t have that kind of reaction, but he has no idea what Seungjae thinks of it. The topic had never come up between them.

He takes a deep breath and decides to keep their hands clasped. He’s not going to start the conversation with negative energy. He has to trust that Seungjae will have a positive reaction.

“I was in love with you, back then. Like, not just a crush, but fully in love.” He feels like he should say something more, but he has no idea what to say, doesn’t feel like he can even physically say anything else. All he can do is watch Seungjae’s face, waiting for his expression to change, waiting for his reaction. Currently his face is drawn in shock, clearly not expecting the confession. The seconds he has to wait make him feel like he’s suspended in animation, unable to move, unable to breathe, unable to think.

Seungjae’s face is still in shock when his eyes finally re-focus on Hanbin’s face, and right as he speaks his expression shifts to one of disappointment, and for a split second Hanbin is certain he’s going to end things, he’s going to end whatever chance they had to re-start their friendship. But that’s not how Seungjae takes it.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me you liked guys?” Seungjae replies when he’s finally over the shock, and maybe he doesn’t deserve to be upset, doesn’t deserve to feel any sense of betrayal, but he can’t help it. “Whatever happened to that crush on Hayi you had? Was that a lie?”

Hanbin shakes his head. “No, that was real, kind of. I mean, I’m not gay, well not completely. I like guys, but I still like girls too. But you were the person I liked the most.”

Seungjae looks down then at their hands, sees them intertwined, and he looks back at Hanbin and notices the look on his face. Like he’s afraid, and Seungjae realizes then what he’s afraid of. Rejection. Hatred. Disgust.

So before he says anything else he grips Hanbin’s hand tighter, and he offers him a soft smile, because even though he feels hurt that Hanbin hadn’t confided in him then, he’s confiding in him now, and that has to count for something. “Well, you’ve got good taste, at least.”

Hanbin can feel his heart kickstart again when Seungjae squeezes his hand, and he grins at his response. “So modest.”

Seungjae grins at him. “Are you surprised?” He isn’t bothered at all, but he does feel even worse for what happened knowing what he knows now. But he’s just promised not to apologize again, so he pushes past that. “Okay, so, I know I shouldn’t be upset, but really, why didn’t you ever tell me? Did you think I wouldn’t support you?”

Hanbin shrugs. “Well, we never talked about it, you could have been a huge homophobe for all I knew. And I knew you liked girls, so there wouldn’t have been a point.”

“You liked girls too!” Seungjae replies, “so that’s not a good excuse. Did Jinan know?”

Hanbin shook his head. “Not until after. No one knew, when you were with us. I just kept it to myself.”

Seungjae nods. “Okay, well, that makes me feel a little better, at least. And I guess I can understand, hell honestly I don’t even know how I would have reacted. Like I don’t think I would have had a problem, but you know, I am a different person now. I might have been angry back then.”

Hanbin can barely move after making his confession and getting a positive reaction. He just feels exhausted now, like carrying the secret around for so long had dragged him so far down that he needs time to bounce back after freeing himself from the shackles.

Suddenly Seungjae sits up straight and stares at him, mouth open in a perfect o. Hanbin looks at him with a slightly nervous expression, waiting for him to speak.

“Bobby?” Seungjae asks, because all of a sudden his mind is flooded with pictures and videos and things he’s always passed off as fans doing their thing and distorting reality to suit their whims. But the affection had always been there in Hanbin’s eyes.

Hanbin swallows nervously, wonders what Seungjae’s going to think. He isn’t even entirely sure what he’s asking, but there can only be one question, can’t there?

Seungjae waits but Hanbin doesn’t say anything, just looks like a deer in the headlights again. So he tries a second time, a bit more coherent. “Is Bobby gay?”

There it is, the full extent of the question. Hanbin takes a deep breath and nods. “We’re together.”

Seungjae looks shocked and he doesn’t say anything at first. Hanbin waits, nervous even though he shouldn’t really have a reason to be. But it’s such uncharted territory that he can’t be sure how the reaction will be.

“Well, I’ll be honest, I don’t know why but, it just feels weird. Like, did you hook up before? Like is that why you picked him? To replace me?” Seungjae can’t help but feel weird about it, though he doesn’t really have any right to. He’s not even entirely sure what he feels weird about.

Hanbin tightens his hold on Seungjae’s hand without realizing it, like he’s afraid he’s going to pull away finally. “Nothing happened, not until that first night,” Hanbin can barely bring himself to say it, “when you, uh, when you got cut.” He can’t stop staring at Seungjae’s face, afraid that any second now he’s going to see the anger come back. “I was a wreck, like I left and I didn’t even know what I was doing, I just, I left the building, and I just started walking, and I was so upset. I called him, like, he was the only person I could think of, and—”

Seungjae cuts him off. “It’s okay, you don’t have to explain,” he says, “I’m not upset, really. Just, you know just surprised. Okay maybe a little upset but not at you. I don’t even know why.”

“I’m sorry,” Hanbin whispers, but he’s not even sure what he’s apologizing for.

“No apologies, Bin. You didn’t do anything, okay, really I don’t, I just don’t know.” Except that he does know, and the sudden realization of why he’s upset hits him like a harsh slap to the face, and seconds later he’s got tears in his eyes and a sob escaping his throat. God, it hurts. He reaches out for Hanbin and pulls him close, buries his face into Hanbin’s shoulder. He just needs a moment to pull himself together.

Hanbin’s arms are tight around Seungjae, and even though he doesn’t understand why he’s upset, he knows that it’s not something that’s going to come between them, at least. Otherwise Seungjae wouldn’t be clinging tightly to him right now. After a few minutes Seungjae finally seems to get ahold of himself and he sits back up, wiping his eyes and trying to control his breathing.

“, I’m sorry,” he says, “I just had this sudden realization that, you know, everything that happened ended up with something better for you. You lost me, but my replacement was better for you—”

“Don’t say that,” Hanbin whispers back to him, understanding now and feeling upset over it too.

“But it’s true,” Seungjae replies, “I was so bitter at first, that he replaced me so quickly. But it really was for the best, especially for you. You had a partner that could give you back everything you needed. Like , you really did upgrade.”

Hanbin wants to argue, but he can’t manage to get any words out before Seungjae waves him off.

“Ah, , really it’s not a big deal. I just, you know it just hit me all of a sudden. But it’s okay. You’re happy, and you deserve to be happy. And I’m happy now too, and you know we’re together again, so really, everything worked out.” Seungjae reaches out and takes his hand again, squeezing it tightly. “I know it’s been five years and we’re only just talking again, but,” Seungjae pauses for a moment, looks him in the eyes, “I just wanted to say that, I love you. Not the way you loved me, but, you know, I love you. I guess I just want to say it, because I never said it then and maybe if I had, things would have been different.”

Hearing the words out of his mouth feels like the closure he didn’t realize he actually did need. He smiles back at Seungjae and grips his hand tightly. “I love you too.”

Seungjae finally smiles back at him. “Besides, I was your first love, right? Your first love always stays with you, no matter how happy you get.”

Hanbin squeezes his hand again. “Yeah, your first love always does stay with you. No matter what.” They don’t say anything else for a bit, just sit together in silence and let the moment pass them by. Hanbin can’t believe it’s actually all worked out as well as it has. After a few minutes he’s hit with a sudden pang of hunger.

“Have you eaten? I’m ing starving now, after this,” he laughs, feeling like his nerves have exhausted every bit of energy he has and he needs to replenish.

“Me too,” Seungjae replies, “I’ve barely eaten the past few days, actually, now I feel like I could devour everything in sight.”

Hanbin grins and gets up, leads Seungjae out to the kitchen where his mother’s standing at the stove. She looks at them with a smile, like she knew they’d be out at any moment.

“Let me guess, it went well, you’re both happy, and now you’re looking for something to eat?” She asks teasingly.

Hanbin smiles at her and hugs her from behind, a rare show of emotion that he knows she deserves more of. “Yes please, we’re starving.”

“Wow, is this all I have to do in order to get a hug from you?” She teases again.

“It’s probably just because he’s emotionally compromised,” Seungjae adds, grinning at them, “we had a very deep conversation just now.”

Hanbin only pretends to be upset, glaring at Seungjae in an obviously fake way. “Hey, remember when I said I wanted to keep talking to you? Yeah, that feeling is going away.”

“Hanbin! Be polite to your guest,” his mom scolds jokingly, and Seungjae walks over to them and reaches out to ruffle his hand in Hanbin’s hair.

“It’s okay, he can be as abusive as he wants to be,” Seungjae says, “I had it coming anyway.” He pauses for a second, his hand still on top of Hanbin’s head. “I left you once, I’m never leaving you again.”

Hanbin can’t stop the smile that spreads across his face, and he doesn’t fight it when Seungjae pulls him into another hug. He knows he can’t let their fairytale reunion cloud his mind over. Seungjae’s still got a whole group to make amends with, and Hanbin isn’t sure how easily the others might want to welcome him back.

But he’s going to hope for the best. He’s going to take his time and not rush anything, and he’s going to make sure he takes everyone’s opinion into account. Because now that Seungjae’s back, suddenly he’s got these ideas in his head, he’s got inspiration, just like Bobby had said he’d probably get.

He has that solo promotion coming up this year.

And he’s going to do whatever it takes to get Seungjae on his album.

But first he’s going to have to clear it with the group. And while he knows that Bobby will approve, and Jinhwan will approve, he’s worried about the others.

But that’s a bridge to cross on another day. Today he’s allowed to be positive and he’s allowed to be hopeful. Before they sit down to eat Hanbin takes out his phone and snaps a picture of he and Seungjae, and he sends it to Jinhwan and Bobby, separately, and they’re both happy to see it. But he makes them promise not to say anything to the others yet. That’s Hanbin’s burden alone.