”I’m under Dr. Jung’s service! Please, let me survive and get out alive...” Umji said panicking over the new roster that was just posted.

”Dr. Jung Eunha is actually really nice, Umji. She is not just pretty, y and of course, the most important part of her whole perfect being is her eyes that could kill. And she is a good teacher. You shouldn’t be too worried, Umji-yah,” Yuju said, looking dreamingly as the image of the said surgeon comes into her mind. Umji as if can see the same image Yuju has in her mind also smiles dreamingly, forgetting her worries just now. But not for long, the image of the other Dr. Jung flashes in her eyes.

”Not that Jung. The other Jung. The monster, Jung Yerin.” Umji said, finally comes back to reality.

”Oh, c’mon Umji! Don’t be so dramatic. Chill, will you?” SinB pats her friend’s shoulder and laughs when Umji rolls her eyes, sticking out her tongue in response.

”Let’s see if you can say the same thing. You are under her service after Yuju. And you are working mostly night shifts. It is finally our group’s turn.” Umji pointed at the roster and gives way for her two friends to take a look at the paper being pinned at the notice board. 

Yuju’s face suddenly turns pale, cold sweats are forming on her forehead. The cheerful smile that is always plastered on her face, slowly vanishes. SinB blinks her eyes rapidly at the roster. Just like her two friends, she too is worried about Dr. Jung Yerin but for a totally different reason than the two. It is not because of the work factor, but it is more on the personal factor. She can’t imagine how difficult it is going to be for her to avoid the trauma surgeon off the clock. Working night shift means she will start in the evening and be done in the morning, and this leaves her day is clear as the sky.

SinB can starts imagine the things that the trauma surgeon who apparently is being serious and persistent in courting her would do. Breakfast after work. Lunch before work. Brunch. Drive her home after work. Drive her to work from home. Those are off the clock activities. While being on the clock? Getting coffee breaks together. Quick dinner together. Having to have to go and wake the attending up from sleep which could be easily turned into another, yet again a love confession session. Teaching and learning session that might involve only the two of them. The possibilities are endless. 

***

”Help! Help! Help my daughter please...”

A man is carrying a limp body of a girl who is oozing blood from her head. The nurses quickly pushes the stretcher and ask the man to put the girl on the stretcher and darted towards the trauma resuscitation bay.

Yerin with six other medical personnel including trauma nurses, ER technicians, residents, intern and radiologist on stand-by rushed to the trauma bay. The new patient is a walk-in patient, so they didn’t have any idea what happened to the girl. One of the nurses get the information about what had happened to the girl to report back to the trauma team that is already in the trauma bay attending the girl.

”Unresponsive six years old. Bleeding on the back of her head.”

”Get the vitals.”

”Set up the IV lines.”

”Primary assessor.”

”Chest extend. Rib fractured on the right. Abdomen is tender. Right knee dislocated.”

”Father said he was reversing his car and suddenly heard a loud bang and a cry. She was behind the car. Father got out and see she was already lying on the driveway, face up, right leg bent backwards at the knee, bleeding from the back of the head. Immediately carried her into the car and drove here.”

”First contact how long ago?”

”One hour ago.”

Yerin is worried when she heard that. The golden hour is passed. And the girl sustained multiple injuries and her vitals are not looking good.

”I’m sorry Dr. Kim, but I need the blood now and get it to the lab.”

”Airways?”

”Intubating.”

”Xrays. Chest, lower limbs. Get ready for scans.”

Teet, teet, teet, teet. ”BP is dropping. Blood, second bag.”

”Push it down, get the third bag up.”

”The blood Dr. Kim.”

”Got it. Here.”

”Book the OR. Page neuro, peads, ortho, and cardio.”

”BP is crushing.”

”Keep bagging. Push the blood more. C’mon.”

”Positive fluid in the abdomen.”

”BP is crushing, she is tachy.”

”We’re going to open her up here. Ten blade. Making incision. Suction. Let’s drain the blood.”

”We need liver sutures. Spleen is ruptured.”

”Okay. Clamp. Clamp. Clamp. Clamp. Clamp. Clamp. Clamp.”

”BP is crushing. We lose the pulse. She is in PEA*.” (*pulseless electrical activity).

”Starts compression.”

”Keep going. You need to push harder.”

”2 minutes.”

”Do we have a pulse?”

”No.”

”Push some epi.”

”Epi is in.”

”Anything?”

”Nothing.”

”Continue compression.”

”2 minutes.”

”Anything?”

”Nothing.”

”Is she responding?”

”We don’t get any response.”

”That’s it.”

”No, let’s keep going.” Umji keeps pressing down on the chest of the limp body on the bed.

Yerin sighs inwardly, ”Dr. Kim, I’m sorry. You can stop now.”

”No! Please Dr. Jung. She can survive. C’mon honey, you can do it. She’ll come back to us. She is just a kid, Dr. Jung. We shouldn’t give up on her.”

”Dr. Kim, we have tried our best. You can stop now. She is not responding, her brain is not responding. We have given her our best, Dr. Kim. I’m sorry. I’m calling it. Time, 6.58 p.m. Thank you everyone. Thank you for your help.” 

Yerin sighs looking at the six years old girl who is lying on the bed, the flat line on the monitor, the bloody and messy floor with the girl’s bloody clothes, needles cap, plastic wraps. 

”Let’s pay our respect to the deceased, one minute of silence, please.” Yerin said as she takes off the bloody gloves and gowns. She closes her eyes, hanging her head low, looking down at the floor. 

”Can you close for me? Cover her when I come back with her father if you are still not done.” 

Umji storms out of the trauma bay while half-screamed at Yerin, ”you’re a monster!”.

Yerin just looks at the first-year intern running towards the toilet and sighs inwardly. Yerin then bows 90 degrees respectfully in front of the stretcher with the dead girl’s body.  She takes a deep breath and bows at the nurses and doctors in the trauma bay before leaving the the room to go and meet the girl’s father and informs him the unfortunate news.

The man that is half-covered in blood, pacing back and forth in the hallway, looking distraught and keeps mumbling something is the person Yerin has to go and see to deliver the bad news. So many years have passed since she started being a trauma surgeon, doing this never gets easier especially when it is a child.

”Sir. Are you the father of -” Yerin couldn’t finish her question, the man already holds her by her shoulders. Looking at Yerin with a pair of hopeful eyes.

”Yes. Yes. Yes, I am. I brought my daughter in just now. How is she? Is she okay? I’m sorry, I didn’t saw her, I swear. I didn’t see her when I reverse the car. She is okay, isn’t she? She has to be,” the man said as he keeps shaking Yerin’s shoulder.

”I’m sorry, sir. We have tried our best, but we couldn’t save her,” Yerin said as calm as she can and deep bow at the man, stands up and bow once again, a 90 degree bow this time.

”No! No! No! You have to. Go back there and save my daughter. Please, please...I can pay you, I’ll give you everything. Please, just please save my daughter. I’m sorry I didn’t call the ambulance and drove her here. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Please, doctor. Save my daughter. She is just a child. She has a whole life waiting for her. She’s a bright child. Please...save her. Go back there, do everything,” the man keeps pushing Yerin towards the trauma bay.

”Sir, I’m sorry. We have tried everything. She lost a lot of blood, and her brain is swelling. Her heart stopped and we performed CPR on her. We tried our best. I’m sorry, sir.”

”I give you my blood. Here, take my blood. I give you my kidney, my heart, my liver, anything, take it. Take them and save my daughter. Please. I need you to help me, doctor. Please...I’m begging you,” the man keeps shaking Yerin’s body and he starts crying.

The man falls limply to the ground, crying his heart out, screaming ’ I’m sorry’ repeatedly. Yerin kneels down, patting the man’s shoulder and holds out her hand to him, helping the man get up and sits on the bench. Yerin stands there, waiting for the man who has just lost his daughter which he accidentally hit with his car to calm down and come to his senses. The man is bawling his eyes out, as anyone in his position would be.

Yerin doesn’t say anything because she knew nothing she could possibly say to make it better. Before she came out from the trauma bay, one of the nurses already called and notifies the social worker and someone from religious support. The two non-medical personnel will talk to him and give him the psychological and spiritual support that he needs.

”Can I see my baby girl?” the man asks after a few minutes of crying and blankly stares at the floor in silence.

”Yes. You can follow me.” Yerin nods her head and gestures to the man to follow her to the trauma bay.

The man stands up, inhale deeply as he looks at the social worker and the monk. The two nod their head reassuringly at him. Yerin waits as the man is ready, and slowly leads the three to the trauma bay where his daughter currently rest on the bed. Yerin asks the man to wait for a while as she checks on the girl before bringing him into the bay and let him see his now deceased daughter.

They already removed the tube from the girl’s mouth, cleans the blood on the back of her head and remove the clamps Yerin used to stop the bleeding earlier. The residents haven’t yet stitch back the girl’s abdomen, they just close it temporary with staplers and cover the body with a new sheet of blanket. 

**

”Dr. Kim...” Yerin calls Umji as soon as the young woman comes back from the toilet to the trauma bay. The girl’s father had just left to sort out the documents and wait for his deceased daughter to get discharged.

”Let’s talk, Dr. Kim. I know your shift has ended, but we need to talk.” 

Umji’s eyes are red. She just cried and vomited in the toilet. She doesn’t think talking with Dr. Jung Yerin right now is a good idea. Umji didn’t say anything but she starts coughing and gagging, she knows her stomach content is going to come out from again. She runs to the toilet again. 

Yerin moves out of the young doctor’s way as she was gagging and darting towards the toilet. Seeing how Umji is reacting, Yerin decides that it’s not a good time to talk to the first-year intern right now. She follows Umji to the toilet.

”Uweekk!!!” the sound of Umji’s vomiting in one of the toilet stall echoes throughout the toilet. 

Yerin leans against the wall by the sink, waiting for the girl to finish emptying her stomach. When Umji gets out of the toilet stall, she gargles some water and washes her face. Yerin goes closer to Umji, pats her back and says, ”I’m sorry.” 

She then walks towards the door and stops for a while. She looks back at the first-year intern, smiles apologetically and says, ”Dr. Kim, you can take your next shift off. I’ll notify the chief.”

Yerin leaves the toilet and goes back to the nurse’s station to do the paperwork for the last case. She hopes this is the last case for her 36-hour shift. Yerin really doesn’t think she could face any more death today although she knows that comes with the job being a trauma surgeon. It gets her hard when the patients died, and it is especially hard when they are children and teenagers. Sometimes, Yerin hopes that the hospital quickly set up a paediatric trauma centre so she wouldn’t have to treat such cases. But then, it is selfish of hers to think about that.

Just as this thought enters her mind, she knows she needs to wind down. She needs to clear her mind so she can keep doing what she loves doing, saving lives. Yerin is always thankful for the skills and knowledge she has and wouldn’t trade her skills and knowledge for anything. Losing a life on the table is always going to be hard and she can’t, she shouldn’t let that discourage her. She always studies back the case so she could learn and improve something for the next case. 

As Yerin is completing the paperwork, the word ’monster’ that Umji said to her while storming off the trauma bay is ringing in her ears. She is not angry at the young doctor for saying that to her. She had heard the same word countless times and it came from various people - doctors, nurses, families and friends of patients. People say something hurtful when they are too caught in the moment, when they are being consumed with their feelings especially sadness, anger and injustice.

Often in trauma cases, Yerin is the one that failed to relieve them from misery and the one causing them a loss of their beloved person’s life. Medical practitioners, as much as they try to be professionals in their job, they are still humans who sometimes lose their composure.

For an intern like Kim Umji, the first death is something they always remember, and the first death of a young girl, a child, it will never leave her mind. Everyone in this profession will always have a similar case and Yerin is always sorry for those who experience it as Umji did. She didn’t hope for but always expected the interns will get angry and blame her when things unfortunate like this occur.

Yerin just remembers that she told Umji to take her next shift off and she immediately calls Chief Bae and Dr. Choi informing them about it. They never objected her decision when she decides to let the intern or residence to take the next shift off when something like this happen. They need to cool down and regain their composure for them to be fit for work again and her method has been discussed and approved by the board.

She didn’t just give everyone a day off whenever they failed to save a patient, she only directly gives it to those who show a clear outburst after the incident. And if she didn’t, they are allowed to ask for a shift off from their direct superior and they will rearrange the shift to accommodate it.

***

”Hey, can I drive you home tonight?”

SinB answers the call after staring at the phone’s screen for a while. She will get off work in half an hour and hearing the voice on the other line sounding a bit sad makes her resolute heart falters.

”Em, okay,” SinB said after leaving the line silence for a whole minute.

”Thank you, I’ll wait for you at the lift. See you later, bye.”

SinB bids her goodbye and ends the call. She couldn’t help but feels that something is different about the trauma surgeon. It has been almost two months since Yerin confess to SinB and then drove her home for the first time. After that car ride, the trauma surgeon had driven her back home almost a dozen times. Not once did Yerin ever called her and ask her permission. The trauma surgeon usually just says, ‘let’s go home or work together’ or ‘I’m on a break, I’ll drive you home’.

Usually, the trauma surgeon would text her or meet her personally to ask her this and of course, she will turn her down at first. But, as expected the woman will gives 1001 reasons why she should say yes and sometimes she gives in. Yes, only a dozen times out of forty times the trauma surgeon asked SinB to drive her to work and home from the hospital. 

SinB changes into a pair of jeans and a beige coloured blouse. When she got out of the change room, she could see Yerin who is still in her scrubs is already standing, leaning against the wall near the lift. The woman doesn’t look as cheerful as always but still flashes a warm smile at her. SinB smiles back and joins the woman at the lift. 

”Hey. Ready to go?” 

SinB nods her head. Today she just brings her large clutch, so Yerin doesn’t ask to hold it for her. The older woman will only ask to carry her bag if she brings her purse, tote bag, handbag or backpack. Never the clutch. She never asks why. As usual, the trauma surgeon asks her about her day and she will just say okay or sometimes share a few interesting cases with her. However, the ’asking about your day’ was never two-sided because SinB never asks the older woman about it. Yerin just told her what happens when she shares about her day. But today, Yerin just listens and asks her some things without sharing about her day.

They got to Yerin’s car and as usual, the older woman opens the passenger door as she is walking to the driver’s side. SinB has given up to fight Yerin for it and just let her do it. Yerin buckles her seatbelt and seeing the older woman’s face that is a bit troubled, SinB decides not to fight her for it and let her do what she always does. Everything the trauma surgeon does is the same as she usually did but Yerin’s eyes and smiles are not as bright. That’s why SinB is certain that something is off with the older woman.

”Do you want to get dinner first before we go back home?” Yerin asks as she drives them out of the hospital’s building. 

”Do you have to go back to the hospital? I thought you were working on 36-hour shift?” SinB asks instead of answering the woman’s question. Yes. She knew Yerin’s roster. Not that she cares, but the woman always tell her when she starts her shift. Plus, trauma surgeon’s shift is really extreme compared to other specialities.

”I just finish my 36-hour shift. I’m not sure. I’m working the normal shift tomorrow. Do you want to get some dinner?” Yerin asks again.

SinB just gives a weird look at Yerin who keeps her eyes on the road. Usually, the older woman will sleep at home when she drives SinB home if she is done with her shift. But, tonight the woman is still wearing her scrubs and even said she is not sure if she’s going back to the hospital or go home. There are days that Yerin drives her home or pick her up from home when she was on a break and those times she will always wear her scrubs because she is going back to work. Something is definitely wrong with Yerin today but she doesn’t know what and she doesn’t want to ask her why too.

The trauma surgeon finally takes her eyes off the road and looks at her when the car stopped at a red light.

”I...I already had dinner earlier. Sorry.” SinB finally answers the question Yerin had asked her five minutes ago.

”Oh okay. Do you mind if I go to the fast food restaurant’s drive-through? I haven’t had anything today.” Yerin said as she steps on the accelerator when the light turns green.

”Okay. Why didn’t you eat anything? Shouldn’t your shift end at eight?” SinB asks worriedly.

”Didn’t have time. I had a KitKat and drinks some juice from the vending machine. I clocked out a bit late tonight, had a case came in towards the end of the shift.” Yerin slows down the car and queues in line. Yerin looks at SinB asking her what she wants and she just shakes her head because she is still full from dinner she had not more than two hours ago.

”Ice cream? At night? Are you okay?” SinB finally asks Yerin the question she swears never to ask. She always told herself not to ask Yerin that question because she doesn’t want to lead the woman on. But, she couldn’t help it tonight. Yerin looks troubled, Yerin didn't talk much like she usually does, Yerin didn’t try to at least crack a joke, Yerin didn’t try anything to trick her into holding her hand and now, she is eating ice cream at night. The trauma surgeon is sensitive to cold, so why is she eating ice cream at night?

”Do you want some?” Yerin asks as she hands the ice cream to SinB.

”No, thank you. Are you alright? You seem a bit off. You know how much I love it, but it is weird that you are awfully quiet tonight,” SinB asks again.

”I just want to be with you,” Yerin said flatly, not in her usual flirty tone.

SinB blinks her eyes rapidly. Those are Yerin’s usual line. She had heard them numbers of time but this time, it doesn't carry the same feeling. It sounded rather gloomy. Yerin usually will not waste a minute to say things that are sweet, romantic, cheesy and cringe-worthy because as she always says, she is trying to win her heart. So, when the same line doesn’t sound the same as it always does, SinB was taken aback. 

Are you falling for her SinB-yah?

SinB quickly turns to the side and lets her eyes wander aimlessly out the window. Lately, her mind always say something nonsense and hysterical like that. The other day, her mind tried to trick her into believing she was jealous of Yerin’s ex-girlfriends. And now, saying she is falling for Yerin. That’s absurd. Why would she get jealous of the two amazing surgeons who happen to be Yerin’s ex-girlfriends and also best friends?

There is no way she is falling for the trauma surgeon. She doesn’t like woman romantically in general and although Yerin had told her that she doesn’t have to, she only has to like and love only her, specifically. SinB doesn’t like, let alone love this trauma surgeon that way. It’s just she has becoming more comfortable with her. That’s all.

Plus, who wouldn’t be surprised if the person who always talks in a certain manner, suddenly talks in a totally opposite manner? Yerin usually talked in a more sweet, loving and always, always in a fun, playful tone. So, Yerin’s melancholic demeanour just feels strange for SinB. That is not an indication that she has or is falling for Yerin. It just feels strange. That’s all. A strange feeling.

They arrive at their apartment complex about ten minutes after they drove out of the fast-food chain restaurant. SinB keeps shut so her mind wouldn’t have anything to say back to her when Yerin parks the car in her spot instead of dropping her in front of the building’s entrance like she usually does if she has to go back to work. SinB knows the fact that Yerin picking her up for work and driving her home after work can be misunderstood as they are having some kind of relationship, but they are not.

SinB sometimes tired of rejecting the woman’s offer and when she is getting off work at night, she is thankful for Yerin who offers her a ride home because she is not fond of walking from the bus stop to the apartment alone since sometimes there will be men picking up on her and drunkards that look slightly dangerous. She never let Yerin to do so when Umji and Yuju are with her because until this day, her two best friends don’t know about this mode of transportation option she sometimes used. Yerin gets off the car and they walk together to the building’s entrance. 

”SinB-ssi, we had a six-year-old girl died in the trauma bay earlier. I gave your friend, Dr. Kim a day off tomorrow.” Yerin said as they ride the lift to SinB’s apartment unit.

SinB sees Yerin leans against the metal wall looking very solemn and immediately her questions earlier are answered.

”How was she?” SinB asks.

”It’s hard. She wanted to keep doing CPR and I stopped it. It was PEA. Lost a lot of blood, not responsive. There’s nothing could be done. And it is always hard for anyone to have lost a child on your table, lost a child in your care and I think it was her first. I’m sorry. I couldn’t do anything. The father came in on his own, we couldn’t prepare and I have no way of sending Dr. Kim away for another case. I’m sorry.” Yerin sighs heavily as she stares at the overhead panel.

”Uhh. Emm...” SinB is at a loss of words, she agrees with the trauma surgeon. She couldn’t imagine how bad it was for Umji and this somewhat guarantees the surgeon is a monster for Umji.  

”Are you okay?” SinB asks. She is a human being and although she always portrayed herself as a cold person, she is compassionate too. It wouldn’t be right for her to just ignore a person whose face is beset with problems.

”It’s always hard when this happens...” Yerin said lowly and gestures SinB to get out of the lift as they have reached her floor. SinB gets out of the lift and Yerin trails after her.

”Are you going back to the hospital? Are you on-call?” SinB asks, Yerin shakes her head without uttering a word. They walk side by side but unlike usual, Yerin didn’t have her eyes on SinB, instead, they are glued to the floor.

”You’re here. Just sleep at home tonight. You are working in the morning tomorrow,” SinB suggests as they keep walking towards her apartment unit.

”I don’t know. Should I?” Yerin asks, quickly glances at SinB. 

”How do you do it normally when it happens?” SinB asks.

Yerin shrugs her shoulder, not knowing how to answer the question. She stops walking and turns to her side, approaching the railings on the corridor’s wall. Yerin leans her chest against the wall and stares to the far. There are blocks of shops, the main road, service road, the lights are illuminating the city that it still filled with people walking, cycling and driving going about their life. Yerin didn’t say anything but she wanted to just have SinB next to her. At times like this, Yerin never talks about it but she always just want to be with someone she loves.

The presence of a person she loves is enough for her to wind down, to get herself together back after being a professional who compartmentalises her emotions at work. She has yet to discover the trick to stay professional after she left the hospital when her patient died. Yerin excel in doing it at work, but not outside of work. She was never looking to overcome the issue, she wanted to stay like this as it makes her feel that she is still a human.

SinB follows Yerin and looks at afar just like Yerin did. She didn’t know why she does it although her apartment is just a few steps away. SinB couldn’t let the trauma surgeon stay there alone, but she also doesn’t know what to say either. So, she just stands there in silence. She steals glances of the trauma surgeon next to her and Yerin looks very serene right now. There is no cheeky smile, playful smirk, cold aura exerted from the trauma surgeon. She just looks utterly peaceful as she looks at the afar.

”I’m sorry I took your time. You must be tired after a long day,” said Yerin as she caresses SinB’s forearm and turns to the direction of the younger doctor’s house. SinB shakes her head, denying what Yerin said and starts walking towards her house.

”SinB, thank you for being with me. I really need it,” Yerin thanked SinB when they are approaching her unit, she flashes a warm smile at SinB.

SinB choked up when Yerin thanked her. She doesn't know what to say because she didn’t think she deserves it. She didn’t do anything other than asked Yerin if she is okay.

”I didn’t do anything-”

”You allowed me to drive you home. You were there with me. That’s enough for me,” Yerin said as she smiles at SinB and gestures the younger woman to get into her house.

”Thank you again. I hope you have a restful night, SinB.”

”Thank you for the ride home. You too. You are going to sleep at home, aren’t you?” SinB stops keying in the passcode, turns around and asks Yerin.

”I don’t know. Probably I’ll sleep in the tent on the rooftop...” Yerin forced a smile.

”Don’t. Sleep at home. It will be more comfortable. You’re already here,” said SinB looking warily at Yerin who responded with shrugging her shoulder and sighs.

”Sleep at home. Go and wait for the lift. Take the lift to the 10th floor and go to your apartment. Sleep in your bed tonight,” SinB insisted. Yerin nods her head weakly and says lowly, ”okay”. 

”Good. Well then, good night, Duckie.” SinB said as she opens the door and disappears behind it without even looking back at Yerin. She smiles by herself, hoping that it would lift up the trauma surgeon’s emotion a bit.

Ting!

SinB unlocks her phone and reads the new message she got from Duckie a.k.a Yerin. She  sends her a message ’I’m sleeping at home’, attached with a picture of her on a couch.

SinB: Why are you sleeping on the couch? Go and sleep in your bed.

Duckie: I don’t feel right sleeping in a comfy bed while the girl is lying in a coffin.

SinB: Hey, don’t take it too hard. It’s not your fault.

Duckie: It’s okay, it’s comfy here. I always sleep on the couch. Thank you for caring about me. How is Dr. Kim?

SinB: Umji is more or less like you. Taking it hard. You gave her a day off tomorrow, so she is downing the alcohol to numb her feelings.

Duckie: I’m sorry. 

SinB: Not your fault.

Duckie: You should rest, SinB. It’s getting late. Good night, sleep tight, sweet dreams. Let me know if anything comes up. 

SinB: Will do. Good night.

***

”Male, 38, his car somehow crash into the metal dividers. His head hits the windshield, multiple penetrating injuries in his face, glass shattered sticking out from his face, his head must have hit the metal panel first, he had open skull fracture on the right temporal, multiple rib fractures on the right, lost consciousness at the scene, tender abdomen, possibly intraabdominal injury. GSC is five at the most. Flatline twice en route for a minute each episode. Push epi twice.”

”Ready, on three. One. Two. Three.”

”Okay. Airway. Breathing. Circulation.”

”Let’s get him intubate. Hook him up on the machine.”

”It’s in.”

”Getting the blood to the lab.”

”Get the chest tube in. His lung is collapsing.”

”Chest tube in. It’s flowing.”

”Okay. Get ready for X-rays.” 

”Please, please save my husband. I already forgive him. Please, we are having a baby. I told him I forgive him about the woman he was cheating on me with. Please...” a woman shakes Yerin’s hand as soon as she moves away from the stretcher, standing at the door of the trauma bay for the radiology technician to x-ray the patient who apparently is the woman’s husband.

”We will try our best, ma’am,” Yerin assuring the woman before she and the other trauma team members go back into the trauma bay.

”Okay, lung is expanding. Looks like C5 is crushing onto C6, keep the neck brace.”

”Fluids in the abdomen. Positive intraabdominal injury.”

”Let’s get ready for sca-”

”He’s in V-fib!”

”Initiate CPR.”

”Pedals. Charge to 200.”

”Charging.”

”Everyone clears!”

Dub! Teet teet teet teet teet teet.

”Please! Please don’t let him die!”

”Ma’am, please calm down.”

”Recharge!”

”Everyone clears!”

Dub! Teet teet teet teet teet teet teet.

”Push epi.”

”Epi is in.”

...

”Nothing. Continue compression.”

Teeeeeetttt.

”Waaaaa!!! Honey! Don’t di-” the woman who is the patient’s wife collapsed outside of the trauma bay.

”Get her on a stretcher. Get her some fluid. Page OB/GYN for her,” Yerin shouted at the nurses outside of the trauma bay amidst the commotion.

”He’s asystole.” 

”Continue compression. C’mon...come back, man. C’mon!” Yerin instructed.

”Push epi.” Yerin instructed when they couldn’t get a pulse.

”Continue compression. Harder.”

Yerin watches the monitor closely and sighs. The line is the same, flat, no elevation, not even a bit. She shakes her head. 

”That’s it. You can stop. Check the breathing, feel, see and hear if we can get anything.”

”Nothing.”

”Calling. Time. 3.35 a.m. Thank you, everyone. A minute of silence to pay our respect to the deceased, please.” Yerin said heavy-heartedly as usual. It is not part of the procedure but she makes it a part of her practice whenever she is in charge and the patient they were trying to save, died. 

”Good work everyone. Thank you. I’m sorry.” 

”Dr. Jung, the passenger, female, is at the entrance. Coming in in 30. Trauma 2,” a registered nurse is calling Yerin from the hallway.

Yerin takes off the disposable gown, the gloves, the shoe cover, the mask and just dump them on the trauma bay floor where she is, bows respectfully at the stretcher and the medical personnel who were there helping her before getting out and dons the same thing, but a new pair. 

”What do we know about the patient?” Yerin asks.

”She was in the car with trauma male 2. Claimed she is his girlfriend and they had a fight before he loses control of the car and crashing to the dividers. Multiple rib fractures, head injury and possible intraabdominal injury,” the nurse reported as she and Yerin walk into the designated trauma bay.

She walks into Trauma Bay 2 where two registered nurse, two ER technicians, Dr. Park- the trauma surgery resident, Dr. Choi Yuju, the first-year intern are already there, stand-by for the patient to be wheeled in.

”What? He is cheating on his wife? I heard his wife said about forgiving him and all. Tch. And this is the woman he is seeing? I guess she deserves it?” 

Yerin heard someone among the six other people with her and the nurse beside her is talking down about the patient. 

”Step out of this bay right now. If you can’t leave your personal judgement out of this room. Get out, now!” Yerin yelled. The six people look at each other, moving their head, gesturing to one another. The intern and a nurse walk out of the trauma bay.

”Get someone in here!” Yerin said and one of the nurses hurriedly walk into the trauma bay, donning the gown and gloves.

”Everyone ready?” asks a man a few years older than Yerin as he walks into the trauma bay.

”Dr. Lee, I’m sorry I threw out people from the room-” Yerin looks at the man and apologise.

”No, no. It’s the right thing to do. Okay, everyone, I’m the leader for this one. Is everyone okay with your role?” 

”Yes,” all seven of them said in unison.

”Good. 90 seconds of complete silence during the handover, okay?” 

”Okay.”

”We have Ji-ah, 31, female. Passenger of the car that crashed into the metal divider. Patient said she and her boyfriend, the driver had a fight and he lost control of the car, and the car went straight, head on into the divider. Multiple penetrating injuries on the face. Glass shattered from the windshield. We put on the neck brace, complaints of pain in the neck. Pain in the chest area. Multiple rib fractures. Tenderness and pain in the abdomen. Open wound on left leg and possible fracture on the left leg. GCS 9 at most. LOC times two en route. V-fib once at the scene. Claimed to have positive HIV.”

”Everyone, doubled up your gloves. Put on mask with eye shield. Anyone has a question? No? Okay. On three.” Dr. Lee instructed.

”Hey Ji-ah, I’m Dr. Yerin. We are going to take care of you okay. Do you know where you are?”

”Hospital,” the woman answers.

”Do you remember what happened?”

”Accident. I don’t know.”

”Okay. That’s good. We are going to take a look at your injuries okay? Tells me where it hurts, okay?” Yerin said nicely as she rubs the woman’s forehead tenderly.

”Does it hurt here?” Yerin asks as she palpates the woman’s neck and the woman nods her head and groan in pain.

”You don’t have to move. Just say yes, okay?” Yerin said as she keeps palpating the neck and then the chest area and then moving to her abdomen.

”Pain in the lower neck, at the clavicle. Extended chest. Rib fractures on the left. Abdomen is tender.”

”Let’s put in the chest tube.” Dr. Lee instructed.

”Arghh!!! It hurts! It hurts!”

”I know, I know. I’m sorry, Ji-ah ssi.”

”Dr. Park?” Yerin asks the young man who is struggling to put in the plastic tube after making an incision at the side of the woman’s body.

”I can’t find a way to insert the tube...” Dr. Park said as he gets his finger in the hole and moves them.

”Go in with your fingers and the tube together,” Yerin guided the young doctor.

”Dr. Jung?” Dr. Lee looks at Yerin for confirmation when she takes over the resident’s job which he struggled to complete.

”I’m in. Okay. It’s flowing. Dr. Park, taped it.” Dr. Jung instructed the young doctor in training.

”No pulse on the left leg.”

”Let’s get the x-ray. Head, chest and leg. Get the blood to the lab. Test for HIV too.”

”Dr. Jung, scan the abdomen. Confirms the injuries.” 

”Liver is swelling. Fluid in between spleen and liver.”

”Arghhh! It hurts! Stop! Stop!” the woman wailed and starts struggling.

”Give her something for pain.”

”Page neuro down here. Keep the brace on. C5,6 and 7 are not aligned. The lung is expanding. Dr. Jung, scan the heart. Something in there.”

”Something penetrating the heart. Can we go to CT to confirm.”

”CT is ready. Let’s load and roll.” Dr. Lee said and Yerin informs the woman as the nurses taking the metal pole that the blood and fluid are being hanged on, and the monitor for vital signs, getting ready to push the stretcher to the CT scan room.

”Positive HIV,” the lab technician announced as soon they are moving out of the trauma bay.

”Inform the OB/GYN attending the wife and ask her to order the test too and get trauma male 2 in Trauma 4 tested as well.”

”Okay Ji-ah sii, stay still. We are going to scan your head and body. We want to check what is the extent of your injury, okay? It’s not going to take long.” Yerin speak to the intercom as the radiography technician is doing their job preparing the patient to get into the machine that looks like a tunnel.

”What’s with Dr. Bae and Trauma 4?” Dr. Lee asks.

”This patient was in the car with trauma male 2 in trauma 4, they were seeing each other. And his wife was here and collapsed when he V-fib earlier in the bay. The wife is pregnant.” Yerin explains as she looks closely at the monitor.

”Urgh...that’s hard. So, how is he?” Dr Lee asks as he jots down something on a piece of paper.

”Didn’t make it. Open skull, loss lot of blood. He flatlined and unresponsive, so I had to call it.” Yerin sighs.

”The brain is swelling. Uhh...the blood flow is not good here.” Dr. Lee pointed at the screen and Yerin nods in agreement.

”There, something is in the heart, not gone through completely. And that’s the liver swelling, spleen ruptured I think...” Yerin showed Dr. Lee the scree and the man nods his head a few times before shaking and sighs.

”The blood flows through the femur and tibia, not much but, should be enough.” Dr. Lee and Yerin both sighs in relief. 

”Page cardio and ortho. Where is neuro?” Dr. Lee asks as they walk back to the Trauma Bay 2. 

”Ji-ah ssi, we did the scan just now. So, there is some blood in your brain and your spine is injured. We have called the brain doctor and they will take care of it, okay. There is something poking into your heart, you need surgery for that, but don’t worry, we already called the heart doctor and they will take care of that. Your liver is swelling because of the im-”

”Ji-ah ssi, open your eyes! Wake up! Ji-ah, honey! Hey! She is LOC!”

”Intubate her and prepare the drill. We have to drill her skull, we need to release the pressure.”

”Tube is in.”

”Drill is ready. Head is ready.”

Teet. Teet. Teet. Teet. Teet.

”O2 sats is dropping. BP is dropping.”

”We have to open her chest here. Prepare the sternum retractor and sutures. Dr. Park?” Yerin said to the man who is just standing facing the head that a small part of it has been shaved, holding the small drill without moving.

”Dr. Park?”

”The drill.” Dr. Ahn comes in the trauma bay and asks the young doctor the drill before carefully drilling a hole in the woman’s skull. She asks for a tube to drain out the blood and release the pressure and hoping that it will help with the woman’s condition but it doesn’t.

”O2 sats is dropping. BP is dropping.”

”Ten blade. Making the incision on the chest now. Retractor. Ahh. A shattered bone. Forcep.”

”She’s going into V-fib!”

”Almost there. Here. I need the suture.” Yerin hands the forceps with a piece of shattered bone to the person behind her and take the needle holder that is already attached with the suture and begins to stitch the small hole in the woman’s heart.

”Paddles. Charge to 200. Everyone clear.” Yerin shouted amidst the beeping sounds of the monitor and place the two paddles between the heart.

”Recharge!” Yerin repeats the same thing.

”Push epi.”

”Dr. Lee?”

Teet. Teet. Teet. Teet. Teet. Teet.

”BP is still dropping.”

”Is the OR ready for us?” Dr. Lee asks and someone outside of the trauma bay shouts back, ”no, ready in ten minutes!”

”Ten blade. Open up her abdomen. Suction. Push the blood harder. Yerin, keep pumping that heart. I need just a bit of time. Clamp! Clamp. Clamp. Clamp. Clamp. Clamp. Clamp.”

”Still in V-fib.”

”Charge. Clear!”

”Push epi in.”

Teet...Teet...Teet...Teet...Teet...

Everyone in the room sighs in relief when the monitor stops beeping and the heart rhythm line comes back to normal. 

”Let’s wrap her and get ready to move to the OR.” Dr. Lee instructed. He and Yerin take off their bloody gloves and gown.

”I don’t want to do it,” Dr. Choi, the cardiothoracic surgeon said to Yerin when she looks at him to handover the patient while looking disgusted at the patient lying on the stretcher.

”Don’t mind him. Let’s go, Yerin.” Dr. Lee pats Yerin's shoulder and walk away towards the operating room where they will finish the surgery to repair all the injured parts of the woman’s body.

”I can’t believe we still have people like him in this hospital. And I know it’s not just him. Don’t they remember what they are supposed to do as medical professionals?” Dr. Lee whined as they walk by the stretcher.

**

”I’m sorry that we have to meet in this circumstance. We have tried to save your husband but the extent of his injury was too severe. He lost a lot of blood from his head injury and that leads to his blood pressure dropped and heart stopped. We did CPR but he was unresponsive. He died after several attempts of reviving his heart and failed. I’m sorry for your loss.” Yerin informs the woman sitting on the stretcher in one of the emergency room bay. 

”You! You didn’t save my husband but you saved that wretched woman! You let my husband died and that wretched woman lived?! He cheated on me with her. She gave him HIV and he gave it to me and I don’t know if this baby had it or not. What am I supposed to do, now?! How could you do this to me?! You really are a heartless monster! How...how could this happen to me? What did I ever do wrong? I don’t want to see you, you heartless monster!” the woman shouts at Yerin and starts crying.

’I’m sorry’ is all Yerin could say to the woman who keeps crying her heart out. Her family members try calming her down, hugging her while shedding tears in silence. Yerin bows respectfully at the woman on the bed, two elder women and men that she assumes are the family members of the crying woman and the dead man. She leaves the trauma bay, and more than a dozen eyes are shooting daggers at her. Yerin knows those people and others are that in at least 50-metre radius of the trauma bay heard what the woman yelled at her just now, hence, the glares and stares.

Yerin keep a straight face and leaves the place filled with people that are waiting for their turn, waiting for their family members or friends to receive their non-critical treatment. The place is also swarming with doctors, nurses and other hospital personnel as it is forty minutes to eight in the morning, the time where everyone is coming to work. She is not ashamed because she had someone called her worst than that. But, to have all eyes on you because of something like that is far from ideal for everyone. So, Yerin fasten her pace, heading straight to the cafeteria.

”Hey...” Sowon greets Yerin as soon as she gets in line at the food counter, behind the tall woman.

”How bad?” Sowon asks when she sees Yerin’s face is not happy.

”Pretty bad. He cheated, got into a car accident with his girlfriend. He died. She didn’t. Well, at least for now. The wife was here. She’s pregnant and waiting to see if the baby got HIV as well. He got her infected. The woman has HIV. So, I’m the heartless monster who let her husband died and the woman who destroyed her life and happiness lived.” Yerin sighs for the nth time this morning. 

”Ouch. C’mon, you know you are not what they called you, right? You tried your best.” Sowon puts her arms around Yerin’s shoulder and pulls her into a side-hug. 

”I know. Still, it’s hard. Let’s eat. What do you want? It’s on me.” Yerin said as she points at various food displayed behind the glass.

Unbeknown to Yerin and Sowon who are now waiting for their orders of the Korean and Western breakfast sets, SinB is in the line with Umji and Yuju and she heard their conversation. SinB couldn’t help but feel sorry for the trauma surgeon. She met with Yuju in the change room earlier and her friend told her that she got kicked out of the trauma bay by Yerin. Yuju told Umji and her about it and the reason why she got kicked out.

SinB and Umji both agreed on the reason Yerin did what she did but only Umji agreed with Yuju that Yerin was a monster. Probably because Umji previously also experienced an uneventful encounter involving the trauma surgeon. SinB then realises that being a trauma surgeon is really tough and not only because of the hours but also because of the nature of the work.

SinB also realises that the way she handled the situation when Yerin drove her home two weeks ago, the night she failed to save a kid was right. She didn’t say much at that time and just reassured Yerin once or twice. It’s the same as what Sowon just did. The paediatric surgeon only asked her friend what happened and reassured her that she already tried her best. The tall surgeon didn’t overly tried to calm, convince and divert the trauma surgeon’s attention from talking about it. Yerin also doesn’t talk much about it. The trauma surgeon just told her what happened and that was it. SinB makes herself a mental note about it and sure that she will encounter this situation in the future and then, she will use this approach.

As SinB is moving forward in the line with her two best friends, her eyes meet with Yerin’s as the latter is leaving the counter while carrying the tray full of food. She swears she saw Yerin’s dull eyes lit up when their eyes meet and exchange a smile with one another. And thankfully their encounter this time doesn’t involve the trauma surgeon smiling charmingly and winking at her. This time, probably because Yerin is not in a cheerful mode, she just smiles at SinB. It is still a sweet smile as always.

Ting!

The sound and buzz from her pocket indicate that she just received a new text message. SinB takes it out to take a peek at the sender to decide if she should read and reply to it or not. Seeing the name of the sender puts a smile on SinB’s face, and since she is still queuing at the food counter she can’t read and reply to the text. The cafeteria is quite packed with the hospital staffs that are stuffing their stomach in the morning preparing themselves for a long and busy day at work. SinB and her friends spot an empty table and practically run for it. As they settle down at the table, halfway eating her breakfast, SinB remembers the text message from earlier.

Duckie: Good morning beautiful. Don’t forget to eat. Have a great day at work. Let me know if anything comes up. You still remember I love you, right? I love you. 

SinB smiles and then frowns as she finishes reading the text. The text message itself is not shocking because ever since SinB accidentally gave Yerin her number, Yerin had been texting her at least twice everyday. A good morning text and a good night text. The words are always the same, sometimes she included something about picking SinB up at home for work or driving her home. But, the woman never asked her ’you still remember I love you’ before this.

The trauma surgeon usually just texts her with I love you at the end. SinB reads the text and she really doesn’t need a reminder to what Yerin had told her every day. SinB hasn’t had any experience but from what she could think of, someone would tell you things like that if they are doing something bad and feel guilty about it. That’s why they remind you that they love you.

Is that why you said that, Duckie?!

SinB’s squint her eyes before rolling them as she sees four people at the table in the corner. She didn’t plan to look at that direction, but when she slides her phone back in her pocket and want to resume eating, her head automatically turns into that direction. There they are. SinB’s head and eyes seem to stuck in that direction. She is currently staring at Yerin who has Dr. Irene side hugging her. 

”What a heartless monster right?” asked Yuju as she stares at the same direction at SinB annoyingly.

”Huh?” 

”See how Dr. Jung is so close with Dr. Bae? Hugging and all. I guess that’s why?” Yuju smirked at someone who is probably too far away to even noticed it.

”Why is what?” SinB asks, confused with what Yuju is referring to.

”I told you, didn’t I? She kicked me out of the room because I commented on the patient who is seeing a married man. The man died. That’s under Dr. Jung care. The woman survived. Dr. Jung saved a woman who has HIV and I heard this morning that the man’s wife is pregnant, she got HIV as well because of her cheating husband. Now she has to wait and see if the baby also got infected,” Yuju grunts.

”I guess Dr. Jung is okay with cheating because she is one. Look at her. Dr. Bae is seeing Dr. Kang, isn’t she? Didn’t she at least feels a bit sorry for the wife? She can sit there and eat, smiling, hugging with a woman who is already seeing someone.” Yuju hissed.

”She just resumed working the next day after that kid died last week as if nothing happened. Umji had to take a day off, but Dr. Jung just continued working. No wonder people call her a monster. You’ll see what we are talking about when you are under her service, SinB,” Yuju continues to rant about the trauma surgeon, but nothing goes into SinB’s ears and mind.

SinB wanted to argue that the trauma surgeon also got affected by the death of those patients she couldn’t save. She saw and heard it from Yerin herself. But, she doesn’t say anything and just let Yuju keeps ranting and raving about Dr. Jung Yerin. SinB sighs. She tries to take in what Yuju said about the trauma surgeon being a cheater but it doesn’t make sense if she and Dr. Bae are doing it publicly in a place full of people who know them. Almost everyone in here knows about Dr. Bae and Dr. Kang’s relationship. Just as she works her brain out thinking about it, her phone buzzes.

Duckie: One of Irene’s patient is in critical condition and she heard about what happened in trauma last night. She is worried about her patient and me. I think Dr. Choi already told you what happened. I’m sorry. I love you.

SB: Dr. Bae is your friend, you don’t have to explain to me. And it’s your job, you don’t have to explain or apologise.

Duckie: I just want you to know. Irene and I, we go way back since our intern years. Me and Eunha too. We are really close until now even we had our past relationship. We are still best friends. I just want to let you know that. And that I love you.

Duckie: Did I blow my chance to ever be with you? Because of me and my friends a.k.a exes. And I think your best friends hate me. Do I still have a chance?

SinB looks up and sees Yerin is looking at her, smiling apologetically. She honestly doesn’t know what to say to Yerin. SinB just shrugs her shoulder and smiles flatly before getting her tray and starts walking towards the dirty dishes bin. Umji and Yuju follows suit.

****

SinB decides to eat her lunch on the bench in the park beside the cafeteria after getting the bulgogi dosirak and an apple juice. It’s almost four, so there are vacant tables in the cafeteria, and she saw some interns eating that she could join, but decided not to. The weather is good and it’s not every day she has the chance to enjoy this ever since she started working. She doesn’t have much free time to do what she enjoys to do, to wallow in the beautiful, serene scene. It relaxes her. It helps her wind down from the busy, tiresome but the love of her life - being a surgeon. 

As SinB is enjoying her late lunch, someone sits on her right. By now, she is already familiar with the fresh, classic scent of the perfume the woman sitting next to her always put on. SinB continues eating without saying anything to address Yerin’s presence. She doesn’t greet Yerin first whenever Yerin joined her on the bench, Yerin always the first to say something. Sometimes the woman starts their conversation with the three words that apparently Yerin’s favourite words to say to SinB. I love you. It caught SinB by surprise the first time Yerin ever did that to her and of course she was mad and gave the woman a ten minutes long lecture which she sure Yerin was enjoying every second of it. 

SinB glances over her right shoulder and the woman is slouching, letting her eyes wander all over the late afternoon sky. She had seen the shattered expression on Yerin’s face right now.

”Again?” SinB asks lowly. Yerin hums her response.

”Want to tell me about it? Maybe it can help ease your mind...” SinB turns to her right to face Yerin’s side. Yerin exhales deeply.

”Have you had your lunch?” SinB asks, not wanting to press Yerin to tell her what happened.

”Not yet. Just got out of the OR. You just got out of a surgery too, eh? Having late lunch.”

”Ne. Observing and being in charge of the suction for Dr. Yang’s appendectomy,” SinB said.

”Here, eat some. It’s good,” SinB offers her bulgogi dosirak to Yerin, remembering what Dr. Sowon did two weeks ago at the cafeteria when the cheating man died, girlfriend survived, pregnant wife who just found out she got infected with HIV’s fiasco.

”It’s okay. Thank you, though. I’m waiting for the family to come to the hospital,” Yerin said as she rubs her eyes forcefully and ruffles her hair frustratedly.

”How bad is it?” SinB asks seeing Yerin is distraught.

”She jumped off a building after she got her CSAT’s results. Massive head injuries, bleeding through her ears. Crushed her lungs and internal organs. Multiple fractures on both upper and lower limbs. I tried but I couldn’t stop the bleeding. Her heart went frenzy, a shattered bone pierced through her aorta. Min Ho keeps sending his residence to the OR. I tried to take it out but couldn’t get to it fast enough to make it work. That jerk finally showed up when I was calling the time and had the audacity to say the girl got what she wanted in the first place.” Yerin punches the seat hard in anger and frustration. 

SinB stops Yerin from pounding the wooden bench they are sitting on by taking the woman’s hand as it was going towards the bench. SinB takes Yerin’s left hand that is balled into a fist and rested it on her lap without taking her hand off the trauma surgeon’s. SinB caresses the fisted hand with her thumb, calming Yerin down that she finally unclenched them. She knows Yerin is surprised, she is too. SinB wanted to calm the woman down and stops her from hurting her hand. She knows there are a lot of other things she could do to calm the woman down, but she doesn’t know why she took the woman’s hand in hers. That is something for her think about another time. 

**

”I’m sorry ma’am. Your daughter died while in surgery. She got injuries in her head, heart, abdomen and both her arms and legs. We tried to stop the bleeding but couldn’t. A shattered bone got into her heart and we managed to get it out and repair her heart but it wasn’t enough to get her heart working again. I’m sorry. We are really sorry.” Yerin said to a woman appears to be in her late-forty who is being held by a man older than her wearing a mix of cold and guilty look, and a man in his mid-twenties. Yerin and Dr. Park then deep bow, stand up and bow 90 degree at the three.

The woman cries her heart out, holding Yerin on her shoulder, shaking the trauma surgeon, screaming and pleading. 

”Why? Why did she do that? I was waiting for her at home. I cooked all her favourite dishes. I told her I don’t care about her results. Please, doctor. Go and tell her this. Don’t let her leave me, her mother, her brother and her father love her. Please, doctor. You can save her. You can make her come back to me. Can’t you?” the woman pleaded, lowering her self to the floor to bow at Yerin’s feet. Yerin quickly get on her knees and keeps apologising to the woman and hold her, not allowing the woman to bow at her feet.

”I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m sorry.” Yerin tries her best not to shed tears. Yerin holds the woman and the mother of the girl who died in her OR table earlier lunge at her and hugs her in tears. Yerin let her.

SinB has been watching the heartbreaking scene since it’s started. She stands behind the wall not far from where Yerin and the patient’s family at and she heard everything. SinB could see Yerin is struggling not to cry as a professional should be. But SinB can’t do the same. She burst into tears when she saw Yerin deep bowed at the dead patient’s family. They didn’t teach them that in medical school and she never saw any surgeon does that.

That is not a heartless monster.

She keeps repeating the same words in her mind as the tears run down her cheeks.