Yerin almost plopped onto the floor when she finally explained her case to SinB and the woman just left her without a word. She was barely holding on to her conscious self and powered through looking as natural as she can because there are still few people in the room, it would become a hot topic if she plopped there and then. Regrets immediately creeping in as SinB is no longer in sight. All Yerin wanted to do was to run after SinB, telling her girlfriend that she regretted what she had said and suggested, but she didn't. Not because of her ego, she has none when it comes to SinB, it was more of she wanted SinB to make an informed decision. She wants nothing more than to be with SinB, at all cost, at any cost. But, she wouldn't feel right if they are together because of the guilt. It surely not going to last or if it ends someday, it's going to be nasty. 

Staring into nothing is what Yerin has been doing ever since the unfortunate day. She was given five days MC and she is not doing any surgeries because of her injured hand. The swelling around her eyes begins to subside but the bruises are still visible. Although she was on her leave, she hasn't gone back to her apartment, she stayed in the tent on the hospital's rooftop. 

Buzzz.

Yerin looks at her phone, high in hope. Wishing it is from SinB. It's not. It's Sowon, checking in on her.

How are you doing? Still up there?

How do you think I am? I can't go back home. How can I? Everything reminds me of her but she is not there, she is not in my life. How am I supposed to live without SinB in it?

Yerin typed her reply and hit send. She doesn't have to wait for Sowon to answer her rhetoric questions. She already knew the answer. How to live without SinB?

You can't. You shouldn't. You don't. 

***

You can't. 

Eunha keeps checking in Yerin everyday. She will go up to the rooftop and see if Yerin is up or even doing anything. Ever since the day Irene told her and Sowon about Yerin's relationship with SinB was probably over, the woman hasn't been anywhere except laying in the tent. Most of the time, Yerin just sleeps in the tent. She didn't changed her clothes, she didn't take a bath, she probably didn't go to the toilet as well.

"Hey Yerin, we brought you some food. Let's eat together. I will set the table, and you, go and wash up a bit. Okay?" Eunha sneaks into the tent where Yerin has been since three days ago when she and SinB was supposedly breakup.

Eunha waited for Yerin to response but the woman just laid there in silence, staring at the sky through the opening on top of the tent. She gives Yerin some time to respond, she doesn't want to push her too much, so she sits by the tent's door. Her upper part of the body down to her buttocks are in the tent, her lower part of the body is outside, keeping her girlfriend, Sowon who is sitting on the bench beside the tent. She was never a pusher when it comes to Yerin, especially when the woman is in this state, heartbroken. Unlike Sowon, she hasn't had much patience as her. When ten minutes has passed, Sowon hold out her hand to her, pulling her off the ground.

"She needs to eat, Sowon..." pleads Eunha as soon as her eyes and Sowon meet.

"I know. Just go and set the table, I'll handle her," said Sowon before kissing Eunha's forehead and makes her way into the tent.

Eunha does what she was asked and leave the two bestfriends. She doesn't hear anything except ruffling sounds from the tent, followed by her girlfriend coming out of the tent with her hand holding onto something. It's Yerin's feet. That's a sight she never imagined of seeing between the two. What's follow is a shocker. Sowon is pulling Yerin out of the tent by the latter's feet. Then, Sowon forcely pull Yerin up from the floor to sit the woman. Sowon then nicely asks Yerin to get up and wash herself as the woman looks messy like a homeless person. From Yerin's appearance, Eunha believes that the woman hasn't been washing up for days. When Yerin didn't even move an inch after being asked nicely, Sowon forced Yerin to get up by pulling her to stand, dragged her to the exit door before disappears behind the door and came back with a slightly fresher looking Yerin. 

The three sit at the bench and a table already set with rice, soup, grilled beef and a few vegetable banchans and kimchi. Eunha puts a few strips of beef in Yerin's rice and asks her to eat. 

"You have to eat Yerin-ah, just a bit. You need the energy," Eunha persuades Yerin, trying to feed the lifeless woman with a strip of grilled beef, one of Yerin's favourites. But Yerin didn't even open , she just stares at Eunha blindly.

"Yerin-ah..., don't be like this. You need to eat. You need the energy," Sowon takes her chance to persuade Yerin to eat.

"Why? Why do I need to eat? Why do I need the energy?" rebuts Yerin.

"To stay alive? How about that?" Sowon responded half sarcastically.

"There's no SinB, why should I stay alive. I don't want to, she is not in my life," says Yerin weakly, clearly in frustration.

Eunha can see Sowon is about to blow up upon hearing Yerin's response. She knew Sowon is angry, not angry at particular person, rather, the situation itself. But, anger is not going to do any good to anyone or the situation. So, she decides to turn the situation around, to fake some positivity in it.

"You have to. You said you gave her time to think, didn't you? You said you will wait for as long as she needed to think. So, we don't want you to be looking this messy and unwell when she come to her decision, do we?" Eunha omits as much as positivity in her words, hoping to successfully persuaded Yerin to take at least a bite of the food she and Sowon brought.

"You think so? She is thinking of being together with me?" Yerin's eyes sparkled upon hearing Eunha's judgement.

"Maybe? We may never know, and you have to live another day to find out..." Eunha tries her best to convince Yerin.

For a second, Yerin seemed to buy her positive reasoning. Yerin straighten her posture, taking a bite of the food she brought. Probably the time she spent chewing and swallowing the delicious bulgogi got her thinking. Yerin slumped into her original position.

"To live only to know that she is not coming back...only to know that she is going to be with someone else..." 

Sowon lets out a sigh. She just let her be and start eating. She knew nothing she said would make her change her mind. Maybe if she mentioned her parents, it will knock some senses in Yerin. But, she decided not to do that shady move. It is understandable, Yerin's act that is. And SinB's, because she is also the jealous type, and probably will do the same thing. She hates seeing her best friend moping, throwing her life away like this, but giving Yerin the time and space to grieve might just be a good idea. Honestly, she doesn't put as much hope as Eunha. It might be a good thing to let Yerin be in her state right now, she could be preparing for the worse to come. On a second thought, what could be worse? Technically, SinB already broke up with Yerin.

"She is not coming back to me, isn't she, Sowon?" asks Yerin, looking desolate and bereft.

"What? What are you talking about? Why did you say that?" asks Eunha as Sowon was still caught by with the question.

"She is not coming back to me, isn't she, Sowon?" Yerin repeats her question.

"Why would you say that? You gave her time to think, and it has been only three...four days? Give her some time," answers Sowon, who is ready, unlike before.

"The look on your face. We've know each other for years now. Your face tells me that she is not..." tears rolling down from Yerin's eyes, choking, she didn't finish her sentence, she couldn't.

"We don't know that, and I didn't get a chance to meet her to know what she is thinking. Eunha too," Sowon turns to look at Eunha, looking for her girlfriend's support.

Eunha nods her head, agreeing with Sowon and assuring Yerin that was the case. They didn't see SinB, not that they didn't have a chance, but she decided not to and forbid Sowon from doing so. She believes that SinB's and Yerin's feelings towards one another are strong enough that they can get through this issue or fight on their own. Yerin slumps back onto the table that they are sitting on, curled up into foetal position, crying silently. It breaks Eunha's heart, but she needs to accomplish her mission for today, that is getting Yerin to eat, so she could survive for another few days. She wrap up a bit of rice, bulgogi, and some banchans before feeding it to Yerin's mouth. Although Yerin doesn't open at first, but Eunha persistently pushing it to touch Yerin's lips lightly, forcing her to finally open up and allowing the food to enter. Eunha repeats the same thing for a few times, until she is satisfied that the woman has enough energy to get by for a few days without eating properly.

***

True enough as Eunha thought Yerin would be - lifeless. Eunha stops by the tent on the rooftop to check on Yerin and maybe asks her to follow her home. Yerin has been up there for a week and she suspected the woman didn't shower for the whole week. Yerin's medical leave ends today, she has to go to work tomorrow and Eunha knows it's not the best idea for Yerin to show up for work looking like a beggar, plus, they have the disciplinary hearing tomorrow, surely she needs to look as sharp as she used to be, showing her competency as one of the disciplinary board member. Looking petty like what she is seeing right now will be a big problem with the other old doctors on the board. 

"Yerin-ah, let's go back to my place. You need to clean up for work tomorrow," says Eunha once she sits on the floor by the tent's door. 

Yerin just look at Eunha blankly, not a word coming out of , not even a slight movement. Eunha can see the traces of tears on Yerin's cheeks and by the look of Yerin's eyebag and dark circle, she assumes the woman hasn't had a decent night sleep. She probably just cry herself to sleep every day. The woman looks haggard. Eunha unknowingly lets out a heavy sigh. This exactly why she was opposing Yerin pursuing SinB, she worried that this would happen. Not because she expected SinB to be doing this, it's just she anticipated that similar thing might happen. Yerin and her exes in the same life, living happily as if nothing had happened, this is not a formula that everyone can live with. Eunha looks at Yerin, softly she caressess the woman's head. There's nothing she could say to ease Yerin's feelings. They stay there silently staring into nothingness until Yerin lets out a sigh. She moves a bit before pushing herself to sit, looking the same as before, but now her facial expression is asking Eunha as much symphathy as she can.

"I can't extend your medical leave anymore, plus...we have that disciplinary hearing tomorrow," says Eunha looking at Yerin apologetically.

Yerin tries to curve a smile but her lips just wouldn't move. Instead, another sigh escapes. Yerin glances at her phone by her side and seems dissapointed at the absence of something she must have waited eagerly. The woman then rests her head on her knees that are now already glued to her body. Yerin buries her head there, in merely seconds, her body moves up and down and Eunha hears her sob. The sound of Yerin's sob gets to her that tears are threatening to escape. All Eunha can do is provide Yerin as much warmth through her embrace. And half an hour was spent in that position.

The walk from the rooftop to Eunha's car is the quietest they ever had. Eunha and Yerin both don't say anything and their expressions are not the ones that welcome greetings from others as well, making it easier for them. This is a rare occurence where Eunha is the one behind the wheel while Yerin is slouching in the passenger's seat. To break the silence, Eunha turns on the radio. A new song from Baek Z Young and Ong Seong-wu fills the the confined space of Eunha's car. 

amureon maldeuldo amureon daedapdo     [I didn’t hear any words ]                                                
amureon yaksokdo deutji mot haenneunde  [I didn't hear any promises]
andwae andwae andwae andwae andwae andwae [No, no, no, no, no]
tteonaji ma [Don’t leave]

maeumi dacheoseo neomu dacheoseo  [My heart has been hurt, so hurt]
jugeul kkeot gataseo sumdo mot shwineunde  [I can’t even breathe, I feel like dying, ]
andwae andwae andwae andwae andwae andwae [No, no, no, no, no]
beoriji ma [Don’t leave me]

jungneun geotjocha himdeureo nan neoga eopseumyeon (Oh) [It's even hard to die]
ireoke honja dugoseo nal tteonagamyeon [if you leave me alone like this and leave me]
ilbun ilchodo gyeondil suga eopseo [I can't even wait one minute, one second]
jebal anirago haejweo [please say it isn't so]

amureon maldeuldo amureon daedapdo [No words, no answers]

amureon maldeuldo amureon daedapdo (Oh) [I didn’t hear any words ] 
amureon yaksokdo deutji mot haenneunde (Oh deutji mot haenneunde) [I didn't hear any promises]
andwae andwae andwae andwae andwae andwae [No, no, no, no, no, no]
tteonaji ma (Ooh) [Don't leave]

nal saranghandago na bakke eopttago [You said you loved me] 
gyeote itgettago malhaejweosseonneunde [That I was the only one, that you’d be by my side]
andwae andwae andwae andwae andwae andwae [ [No, no, no, no, no, no]
beoriji ma [Don't throw it away]

amu maldeuldo amu daedapdo [No words, no answers]

Along with Baek Z Young's and Ong Seong-wu's cry in the song, Yerin cries as well. Eunha choked up. She wanted so bad to hold her bestfriend close, to calm the woman down, to assure her that everything is going to be okay, but she can't do any of them. She just drives carefully in solemn. 

"She didn't say anything... I texted her, but she didn't even answer them..." says Yerin in between her sobs making it more difficult for Eunha to hold in her tears that she just let them roll down her cheeks.

The singers wailing is not helping them both other than encouraging their tearducts to let out a stream of tears. As if the universe is playing a joke on them, after the song, Urban Zakapa's I don't love you is playing. Eunha quickly changes the radio station. 

"She doesn't love me anymore, doesn't she?" almost inaudibly, Yerin whispers. Eunha just holds her hand without saying anything.

***

You shouldn't.

Sowon hurriedly lets herself in the master bedroom where she and Eunha shares a bed, now that they are together. She closes the door behind her and frantically waving at Eunha who is putting on her make up. When Eunha turns and look at her, Sowon got distracted for a few seconds, mesmerized by her girlfriend's godedss look this morning that she just stares at her. Only when Eunha flags her that Sowon comes to her senses, and gets back to what she is going to do when she hurriedly enters the room from the kitchen.

"What happened last night?" asks Sowon as she approaches Eunha and planted a sensual kiss on the latter's lips. She failed to resist the luscious lips. Eunha looks exceptionally beautiful this morning, probably because she is dressing up for the disciplinary hearing today and most probably wouldn't be attending patients. 

"What happened?" asks Eunha, still confused with Sowon's question, but only after returning the kiss and a couple of rounds of kissing, smudging her lipsticks. Eunha looks at Sowon as she puts on her lipstick back while waiting for the tall woman's answer.

"Yerin is already dressed, and in the kitchen, eating breakfast," responds Sowon, hesitantly, clearly showing her doubt with what she just witnessed when she went to the kitchen to prepare a quick breakfast for them. 

Eunha tip toed in front of Sowon, reapplying her girlfriend's lipstick that got smudged due to their unplanned sensual kissing just now. Sowon and Eunha exchanges smiles and chaste kiss before leaving the room, going straight to the kitchen where Yerin are. Yerin greets them good morning before goes back to the bowl of cereal in front of her. Sowon and Eunha join Yerin and share a bowl of cereal. They eat in silence, but both Sowon's and Eunha's eyes are following Yerin's every move. Yerin just add more cereals to her bowl for the second time since they joined her. Sowon just think Yerin is hungry, sure she is because the woman hasn't been eating properly for more than a week. Yerin has always been a big eater, and when she went for more than a week without constant food intake, of course she is feeling ravenously hungry. She looks at Eunha who has stopped eating and surprisingly, the woman looks worried. She shoots a questioning look at Eunha but the woman just shakes her head and motion it, indicating that they will talk about it later.

Eunha and Sowon drive to the hospital separately since Sowon has extended shift tonight while Eunha is on the regular shift, and Yerin, they both don't trust the woman to ride her motorbike back home after work. Yerin chooses to ride with Eunha instead of Sowon. Not to repeat the same thing as last night, Eunha let the radio off and ride in silence. And opposite to last night, Yerin doesn't cry her eyes out, she just stares at the traffic. Eunha glances over her shoulder, stealing a look at Yerin's face from the side mirror and just as she thought so this morning, Yerin's eyes, they are different. They are dark. There's no shine from them. She can sense an aura of coldness from the woman's eyes. This is the opposite of Yerin is doing fine, this is Yerin, giving up all hope of life, this is Yerin just go by life as is. This is Yerin having no feeling left in her. This is blank Yerin. This is just a soulless body. How did she know this? She has seen this before, years ago. This is what she was afraid will happen when Yerin first told everyone that she is pursuing SinB.

**

Yerin and Eunha go straight to the meeting room for their meeting where almost half of the members are already there including Chief Bae and Irene. Yerin takes a seat without saying anything other than greeting Chief Bae and Irene with just a head nod. She focuses on the file in front of her, reading everything, scrutinising every detail. She did not pay any attention on her work while moping around last week. Yerin gets her head in the case today, she tries hard to stand by her decision last night. Her resolution falters when she reads the file and sees among the name of meeting attendees that there are two Dr. Hwang and one Mrs. Hwang. Immediately the image of one Hwang SinB visits her, shooting her most dazzling smile at her. Tears threatening to escape but Yerin manage to control herself, bringing herself to the right track, alligning with her resolution. 

Last night, Yerin bawled like a hungry, in pain baby. She didn't get to sleep at all last night. At the break of dawn, Yerin comes to a resolution after a lot o thinking. She just wanted to die if she has to live without SinB. But, she still has her parents, her brother, Eunha, Sowon, Irene, and lots of other people that has been helpful in her life this far. It wouldn't be fair for them. She has seen how devastated people who were left suddenly by their loved ones either by commiting suicide or involved in an accident. She doesn't wish it upon any of them, especially her families and closed friends. So, she thought she should hold onto life. But, to live without SinB, she doesn't want to, she can't. Nevertheless, she has to live, but not living a life. She just wanted to go through life as is, she doesn't know how to, but she will just go with the flow. Nothing to live for, except for respecting the life that has been given to her, repaying her deed to her parents, to those has been in her life for years. Just do her duty as a human being. Can one live without having the will to live? Yes. Being in medical line, she has seen it all. Yes, one can live even without a will to. One can live with a broken heart. Human body can function as long as the biological systems made up in the body can carry out their neccessary functions properly.  And one can also die of a broken heart, although it is rare, but it happened, she has a higher chance of getting broken heart syndrome since she is Asian. She even think she might already experience it since last week. Her heart is aching, she can't even breathe properly, it feels like there is not enough air for her to breathe without SinB in her life. 

Yerin grasped her shirt at the chest area tightly, feeling her heart is aching, feeling a hole in the middle of her heart, letting out every air she breathe in, forcing her head to bend down, desperately gasping for air. This is not the first time this happened, and Yerin anticipated that it will be frequent, until she manages to live with this pain of not having SinB in her life. She doesn't think she can do that, ever. Yerin closes her eyes, still grasping tightly her shirt, doesn't care if it will wrinkles because it is too painful, tears rolling down as SinB comes into her mind, the girl is laughing and smiling happily at her. Not the kind that SinB is mocking her, but the laugh and smile she used to see when they were still together, no matter how short it was. Yerin tries to inhale deeply, hoping that it will get better even though she knows it's not going to. But, she needs to pull herself and a warmth touch on her shoulder, helps her to do so.

"Yerin, are you okay?" asks Eunha, with her hand on Yerin's shoulder, caressing it. 

"Yes, gas I think. I'm okay. I could use a glass of water, if you would be so kind to get it for me?" responds Yerin, still hanging her head low.

"Yes, sure. I'll get us some water," lies Eunha. She knows exactly how not okay Yerin is. She saw the tears drop on the floor. She heard the heavy sigh, the painful almost inaudible wail. Still, she goes out of the meeting room to get herself a glass of water first before bringing it in for Yerin. She needs it too. She too, is saddened by what is happening with Yerin. 

Eunha puts down the glass of water near Yerin and sits beside her. Yerin takes another deep breath, wiping the tears off her eyes and cheeks before sitting straight. She smiles at Eunha, not only curving her lips, but also her eyes. She shoots her famous crescent-eye smile at Eunha, mustering everything she has left in her to portray a lie to Eunha. A lie that she will keep up for the rest of her life, a lie that she is okay, that she is smiling. She even looks right into Eunha's eyes for a few second to assure the woman that she is okay. Yerin knows she succeed in lying to her best friend, because Eunha smiles back at her and continue to doodle on the piece of paper in the file while waiting for the meeting to start. Five minutes has passed the start time of the meeting, but they can proceed because the person under investigation is yet to show. 

"If Dr Wang feels this hearing is not important and doesn't bother to show up in time, let's just proceed with the deliberation based on the evidence at hand and decide on the disciplinary action to be given," Yerin speaks for the first time in the meeting.

"No, you can't do that. That's not fair, that's not right," oppose Mrs. Hwang.

"What is not right? Dr Wang has been informed in both writing and verbally the time, location of this hearing; and he is asked to attend this meeting. Why is it not fair? Is it fair for all of us here who has other things to do to wait for him? And why is it not right? We have his written report, the CCTV footages taken from the ER bay where the first allegation occured and from the break room where the second allegation occured. And finally, I have a question, why is this disciplinary hearing need to involve three Hwangs, where two of them, pardon me, Mrs. Hwang and Dr. Hwang are not members of this hospital disciplinary board? I'm sorry if you think this is rude, but, you two are not needed in this meeting," says Yerin.

Mrs. Hwang stands up and glares at Yerin, "I have all the right to be here, I am one of the board member of this hospital."

"Yes, you are. As a representative of the Nursing Board. Today's hearing doesn't involve a nurse," explains Yerin.

"I think both Dr Hwang and Mrs. Hwang can stay. It doesn't affect our meeting today," one of the older doctors in the disciplinary board member who is known to be Mrs. Hwang's allies says, in attempt to back up the reason for letting the woman stay.

"Please tell me honestly, that Mrs. Hwang and Dr. Hwang presence in this meeting will not affect the hearing, the deliberation and the outcome that we will come up. I don't think I need to remind us what had happened when all the meetings were graced with her presence? Oh wait, let me. Does the name of Wang Jackson rings a bell? Yes, the same applicant that we collectively agreed to reject his application to transfer due to his involvement in a similar case like this. And why is he in the program? Dr Hwang and Mrs. Hwang, that's the answer. " Yerin still shooting her facts, not going to back down this time. 

Everyone doesn't say anything except for Mrs. Hwang who is charged to respond to Yerin's statement, but stopped by her husband, Dr. Hwang, the former chief of trauma surgery of the hospital, and now the Director of his family-owned hospital and medical college. 

"Dr Jung, I know that we are here not so much on a formal business, but more of personal support, so I assure you that I, myself and my wife will not interfere with the deliberation process and its outcome."

"If everyone in the meeting can uphold to what you have promised, I don't have any problem with you and your wife being here. But I ask that everyone do so. Now, Chief Bae, can we proceed with the meeting? Do we really wanted to wait for Dr-"

"What? Are you that afraid that I will be walking off scott free if I am here, Dr Jung? And just so you know, I will  walk out of this meeting, without getting any action taken against me. I have people, someone who is higher ranking than you, supporting me," Jackson cuts Yerin with an arrogant smirk, ending it with a confidence smile at both Mrs. Hwang and Dr. Hwang.

Dr. Hwang just shakes his head in disbelief, while Mrs. Hwang tries her best not to look too embarassed by what Jackson just did, automatically proving Yerin's concern just now. Yerin just sighs without saying anything back to Jackson, not because she is afraid or believe what Jackson just said, but she doesn't see any point to do so. The disciplinary continues as usual after the arrogant opening remark by Jackson. And, as if it is not enough, Jackson continues his arrogant, blatantly denying everything, feigning his innocence even with the CCTV footage that clearly showing his face, his voice and his action are shown. Through out the hearing, Yerin doesn't say much because the CCTV footage, the written incident from the nurses, doctors, and technicians who were there in the trauma bay during the time are all clearly showing Jackson is at fault. Yerin believes that there is nothing she could say or add to explain what happened, and how Jackson's action can impact the care of the patient at hand. 

Luck is probably on Jackson's side because the disciplinary board come to an outcome from the hearing and he is not kicked out of the program. All thanks to the patient. Why? Because she did't die. The outcome sometimes is less severe when patient did not suffer any significant injury or effect resulting from the doctor's action. He didn't get kicked out of the program but is being put under a long probation, and he is suspended from trauma surgery rotation for six months. And he is required to attend a course on ethics and anger management during the probation period. He has to show a prominent performance by the end of his probation that is to be evaluated by panels that will be appointed for him to be able to continue to be in the program. 

Yerin although didn't talk much during Jackson's turn to defend himself, she provided as many insights she can when the meeting is discussing the outcome for Jackson. She originally wanted to kick him out of the program, but the others don't agree seing the extend of the impact on the patient was not serious. Although, she make it very clear that other people including her were the one making sure that the patient didn't suffer a more severe consequences. While everyone including Dr Hwang agree with that, the board still think kicking Jackson out of the surgical programme is way too heavy of a punishment for his action. As the only one thinking that Jackson deserves the outcome, Yerin dutifully accepted the board's decision. But, she gets a bonus, which she doesn't anticipate, Jackson is never to be assign under her whenever he is on trauma surgery's rotation once he is cleared to do so, it seems that the board think that he might not be safe for her.  

The meeting concluded with the outcome being presented clearly to Jackson. The man is really arrogant that although it has been turned down a bit when he hears what will happen to him, he can still smirk at Yerin for not being kicked out of the programme. Yerin didn't bat an eyelash at him and just about to leave the meeting when someone caught her eyes. It really caught her eyes that they might just fall out of its socket. SinB. Hwang SinB. 

"This is our daughter, SInB, please take care of her. And, please take care of Jackson as well, he is our future son in law."

Yerin freezes as she heard what Mrs. Hwang is saying at the bunch of old doctors and nurses in front of the meeting room. Her stomach churns, she feels like throwing up, her heart aching that she wanted to rip it out of her chest, everything sinks to the bottom. And Mrs. Hwang's feign embarassed laugh right after she introduces Jackson to them, Jackson's smile, his hand on SinB's waist keep playing in her ears, repeating in her mind, overpower Yerin that she almost fall to the ground. She could only glance at the group when SinB's and her eyes meet for a quick second before she turn away and continue walking. She can't bare to be there, she has no courage to see SinB in someone else's arm. Yerin fastened her pace as much as she can, painfully walking out of the scene. There is not an ounce of energy left in her to keep her tears from falling that a stream of tears burst out of her tearducts as she walks to the nearest toilet. In one of the toilet stall, Yerin cries for the nth time. Only this time, it's the most painful, devastated of all, draining everything out of her, everything that is barely there anymore.

**

Sowon meet up with Eunha, half an hour earlier than the time they set with Yerin, at Eunha's request. She didn't ask much because she thought it must have something to do with their conversation this morning that never seen a light of the day. When Sowon got to the cafeteria, Eunha is already at the table, displaying a warry look on her face while playing with her phone. Sowon slowly covers the woman's eyes from behind and ask Eunha to guess who she is. 

"My love." Eunha says in the most loving voice ever before taking Sowon's hand down to her lips and kiss them. 

"So, what's up? Is everything okay with the meeting? How is Yerin?" asks Sowon as she sits next to Eunha.

"The meeting is like usual, the intern is being put under probation. Yerin... Not good."

"What do you mean she's not good? We saw her this morning, she's eating. She smiles. She jokes. She's back," asks Sowon, clearly confused with what her girlfriend is saying.

"Didn't you see her eyes?" asks Eunha, instead of answering Sowon's question.

Sowon stares into space, trying to remember back what Eunha is talking about. She shakes her head. "What about it? its the same as usual, except for the eyebag and dark circles."

Eunha shakes her head, letting out a sigh. "It's not the same, there's no light. It's dark. She is not herself anymore. She has given up."

Sowon looks at Eunha and to her surprise, the woman is not joking, she is being serious. Sowon is left speechless. And they spend the rest of the time waiting for Yerin in silence, in a worried silence. Sowon although doesn't say anything, she is thinking hard how to help her best friend. She has set a few things to be done to help get her friend back, if what Eunha say is true. 

"Hey guys," Yerin greets them, snapping both Sowon and Eunha from their trance. 

Sowon looks at Yerin, at her eyes to be exact. And she finally sees it, what Eunha is talking about. Yerin's face looks worn out and old, by ages from this morning. Sowon can see what happened this morning is getting to Yerin, hard. But seeing how much effort Yerin puts in pretending to be okay stopping Sowon from saying anything and returns an equally feign warm smile to Yerin. The three just ignores the elephant in the room and eat their lunches as usual, just like this morning. 

"How is your shift this week?" Sowon asks.

"Not seeing patients this week. Dr Lee asks me to give lectures instead, my hand is still not as good as he wanted it to be, so I'm off from surgery for the time being," responds Yerin as she continues eating.

Sowon's head bobbed as she continues eating as well. When their lunch is almost finish, Eunha asks Yerin to wait for her at the break room after their shift for them to go ba k home together.

"It's okay, I'll go back on my own," says Yerin and before Eunha can say anything, she excuse herself.

**

"It's one in the morning, Sowon. She is still not home," says Eunha, looking worried.

"Maybe she went home?" says Sowon trying to calm herself that is equally worried. 

Eunha shakes her head indicating a no. She knew this because she called the guard house and ask the one on duty whether Yerin has come back or not. And the man said no sign of Yerin. As they both sitting on the edge of the sofa, trying to calm down, they heard a buzz from the intercom. Sowon with her long legs beat Eunha to the intercom and answers it. They both heave a relief sigh when Yerin's face appear on the screen. Sowon buzz the woman in and waits for Yerin by the door. After a few minutes, Yerin is approaching but before she physically arrived, the smell of alcohol reaches Sowon's nose. And after a few more of staggering steps, Yerin reaches the door, with a face as red as the red wine that Yerin had before coming home. Sowon held in her words and helps the woman to the sofa. Yerin slumps onto the sofa, smiling giddily at Sowon before almost immediately weeping and then gagging. Luckily, Eunha comes with a bucket in hand and hands it to Yerin who take it a second before throwing up into the bucket. Eunha places a tall glass of water and a bowl of water with towel already soaked inside on the coffee table in front of Yerin. She waited for Yerin to finish emptying her guts content before pointing at the water, signalling Yerin to drink it and left for the bedroom. Sowon on the other hand, hands the wet towel to Yerin and bid good night before retires to the bedroom as well. As she enters, she sees Eunha is already laying on the bed, faking a sleep when she can clearly see the woman is sobbing quietly.

The same scene repeats every single night for weeks that Eunha doesn't wait for Yerin to be back anymore. Some nights, Yerin did not come back and she will get a call from the bar tender asking her to pick Yerin up because they have to close the bar. On those nights, she usually picked up Yerin with Sowon in tow because sometimes Yerin was so drunk that she couldn't even walk on her own and she is not strong enough to carry her to the car. Eunha stopped waiting for Yerin not because she doesn't care, not because she has had enough, but she couldn't bare seeing Yerin so shattered that she decided drinking her life away is the solution. She is concern, of course, but she still hasn't got the courage to say no to Yerin, to stop her from getting wasted every single night, unlike Sowon who relentlessly offering her unsolicited advice to Yerin, which the woman sometimes listen to. Eunha did try a few times to talk to SinB but she called it off when at the last minute. Thanks to Yerin's new habits of drinking every night for these few weeks, her hands are not healed as fast as it should be, not enough for her to get back on active clinical duty, so she was only doing some teaching and researching. That makes it worse for her habit, she drinks all night because she knew she doesn't have to be sober for attending patients. 

Eunha lets out another sigh, she keeps getting distracted that she misses a lot of information that is being shared by the speaker in front. This week, she and Yerin, most of the time for Yerin, are attending a trauma surgery conference. She registered for the conference months ago when she saw the name of one of the invited speakers for the conference. She has been waiting for this opportunity to meet and listen to the person's speech because the surgeon is one of the best. Since the speaker in front is presenting something that she doesn't have much interest in, added with the absence of Yerin, making her loses her focus. And she is tired of trying to catch up to what is being discussed, Eunha decided to just let it be. She waited eagerly for the speaker's session and moves to a seat in the middle of the crowd when the session's chairperson announces the upcoming session. Eunha makes sure that her seat is right in the speaker's line of sight because she aims to make eye contact with that person. Eunha did it. Their eyes met as soon as the speaker stands at the rostrum, and a warmth smile was exchanged. Eunha pours her focus on the speaker and what's being presented, not caring about Yerin or other people around her, except for two seconds when her eyes met with Dr. Lee's, the head of trauma surgery unit. 

****

You don't.

Both Eunha's and Sowon's phones buzzes indicating that they receive a new text message. Eunha looks at the phone, and she can see they both got a text from the hospital. This can only mean one thing, that there is an emergency and they need every hand on deck. Eunha checks her phone as Sowon is in the kitchen, setting the table for dinner. Just as she thought, there is an emergency and they need every surgeon to be on standby due to a massive motor vehicle accident. She told Sowon about it and Sowon requests for them to get dinner first before leaving for the hospital. She agrees and join her girlfriend at the dining table. As they are rushing to eat dinner, Eunha's phone buzzes. The name of the bartender who always called her to pick Yerin up appears on the screen.

"Hello," greets Eunha before listening to what the man on the other line is going to say to her. She thought she needed to pick Yerin up like usual but that's not the case tonight.

"Do you mind holding onto it for tonight? I'll come and pick it up tomorrow," suggests Eunha and not long after, she bids good bye and ends the call.

"Are you seriously going to fetch Yerin tomorrow?" asks Sowon as soon as Eunha puts her phone down on the table.

"Aniya, Yerin suddenly left about fifteen minutes ago. She left behind her ID and some cash," explains Eunha, finishing her meal and starts cleaning up.

Eunha and Sowon decide to go to the hospital together because they are both supposed to be on leave for couple of days, and now are on the way to work for the emergency case. As Sowon focuses on her driving, once again their phone buzzes for new text messages. Before Eunha manage to unlock her phone, the phone buzzes again consecutively indicating lots of messages are received in merely seconds.

"Can you read it out loud, Eunha-yang?" asks Sowon when she sees Eunha is looking at her phone, not moving a muscle.

"Dispatch said, lots of victims are being send to our hospital. One of the victim, severly injured, intoxicated and unconscious. They are waiting for the fire and rescue team to come because she is wedged in between cars and steel beam. No ID was found but the EMT positively id'd her... It's ...Yerin," reads Eunha, staring blankly at her phone, probably rereading the thread of text sent by the dispatch in the group text message.

****