Love is so painful, goodbyes are even more painful. 
So why would you force me? No goodbye is needed, I could step on a thousand thorns, I could bear a thousand weight, but I could never say a single goodbye. 
You try so hard to push me away, to shield me from breaking into pieces, and still my heart calls out your name, like long-winded Monday calls out for the weekend, with every last breath left in the cavities of its chest. All the things you said are like a mask, it hides the truth and rips us apart, even if I am now a million pieces, but with you, I am a beautiful mess. And I’d choose you, in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred words, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.

Jungkook felt like crying but nothing came out. It was just a sort of sad sickness when you can’t feel any worse. Every piece of him was floating in the air, finding somewhere to land. And he found it, it was such a secret place, the land of tears. Like the breaking down of a dam, the solemn tears finally escaped, gushing down his ashen cheeks, bleeding the salt of his soul with so much pain. It was a complete torture, taking him to the flame, burning him alive. A monster lurking in the dark, ready to swallow him whole, to take him high up in the sky and dropped him down without any warning. A er for pain.

He couldn’t hold back, seeing jimin on ventilator, with numerous tubes connecting to every part of his physique, needles piercing through his pale skin into his veins, sending all kind of liquids into his numb body. He was in a deep slumber, chest rose and fell, mist forming on the inside of his mouthpiece. Long lashes hovering over his closed eyes, cheeks a shade of peaches-and-cream. Nothing could take his prettiness away, if anything, he had grown even more beautiful, all of his gentle feature set together on a delicate, almost angelic face. Softer, prettier, less volatile, less awake.

“Jimin, I am here” jungkook grabbed onto the side of the bed and leaned closer to whisper into his ear.

The monitor displayed the steady heartbeats, soft beeping sound broke the serenity of silence.

“Jimin are you still angry at me?” gently, he removed his hand from the bed and tugged at the end of jimin’s gown. And that was when he realised how pale the boy was. His skin was almost as white as the gown itself, as if they had blended together and appeared as a hue. Jungkook reached for the delicate hand and took hold of it.

“Why are you not talking to me jimin? Please, talk to me” he seized jimin’s hand trying to hold back his tears.

“Aren’t you angry at me? You can yell at me as loud as you want, you can hit me as hard as you can, but please, don’t ignore me jimin, please don’t leave me alone” a single drop of grief welled up from the corner of his eye.

Hastily, he wiped it away and tried to put on a smile. He knew how ugly he looked, everything he portrayed was so fake and pathetic. But he couldn’t let jimin see how desperate he was, he had to stay strong, it was the least he could do, the tiniest thing he could accomplish in front of the boy.

“Jimin do you still remember the first day we met? When I was being idiot and tried to push you away? I haven’t even apologise, I haven’t even say those words I was supposed to. But how can I say them now jimin, how can I? How can I tell you those words when you are not listening to me? It hurts so much when you leave me like this, all alone, struggling to keep myself alive. It is so cold, and it is so dark, I...I am so afraid...I am scared, jimin, I am scared...” for the first time in his life, jungkook was genuinely petrified. It must hurt so much, that his whole being was paralysed, numb and debilitate.

“Jimin, I can lose everything, I can lose the world just to gain you back. I can act strong even when it hurts, I can act happy even when I am sad, if it is you, I can. I can do anything, I...” his knees finally gave up. With a loud thud, he dropped into a crouch.

His eyes shifted to the closed window, glazed with a glassy layer of tears. He bit his lips tightly in attempt to hide any sound that wanted to escape. Inhaling sharply, he gave out a low chuckle.

“Aren’t I pathetic? Always such a coward, begging you to leave, begging you to stay. I don’t even know myself. What a fool I am, trying to save you, when I couldn’t even save myself. But why is it so dark when you are not here? Why is this world such a horrible place without you? Psychotic, yes, it must be the word” he tried to push himself up, grabbing a nearby chair and sit by the bed.

He trailed his fingers tenderly on jimin’s face, flawless and baby-soft, always intriguing.

“What are you dreaming about? Could you tell me? Jimin, don’t think of anything, don’t say anything, just give me a smile. It is all I ask for, a smile is more than enough, please” his thick lashes brimmed heavy with tears, sight subsequently getting blurry.

“Why am I crying again? Ahh, so useless” he roughly wiped his tears away using the sleeve of his gown since the front was already drenched.

His fingers made their way from jimin’s face down to his collar bone and went to his ribs. Jungkook found it absurd how skinny the boy had become that it felt like his bones were protruding. The more he touched, the more he could feel. There was no fat left on his body, jimin was practically a bag of bones. And it broke jungkook’s heart even more.

How he wished he could embrace him again, to hold him in his arms and sing him to sleep. He gripped onto the sides of jimin’s gown and clenched them around his fists. His face creased. It was hard, too hard. He could feel himself no more, with his body trembling badly and conscious slowly drifting away.

“Jimin...” he dropped his head onto the bony chest, gave way to the enormity of his grief. He sobbed into the fabric, shoulders shook in each rake of emotion through his frame. His breathing ragged and gasped loudly for air. His sobbing was the sound of a heart breaking. It didn’t snap or burst, but broke in the heaving waves of a new disturbing reality. It was sickening, the grief was driving an urge for him to throw up. He tightened his grip, knuckles turning white, nails digging into his palm.

“Stay by my side jimin, promise me, stay” he murmured through the sobs while trying to suppress his hiccups. “I can’t let go, I am afraid. I am scared that you will fly away and break, I am scared I will lose you”

No, there was no point asking him to stay, not when jimin had decided to push him away. Heaving out a sigh, jungkook sat down once again, took up jimin’s hand and planted a kiss on the back of it.

“You always want me to sing you to sleep, you said it was the very source of comfort, something you are constantly craving for. Jimin, shall I sing you a song? If you ever feel afraid, hold on to this lullaby. No matter what, hold on to it and you will feel that I am always there, always by your side, just like now. Jimin, I hope I can still give you the strength, and if I don’t, I hope my singings do. I...please, I love you” he interlocked their fingers, feeling the warmth of the small hand surged through his body, warming the frozen heart which was so close to dying.

I am afraid, I am run down, I’m so afraid 
That you will leave me again in the end 
I wear a mask again and go to see you

His tears was threatening to fall. Jungkook sniffed and tried blinking them away.

What I can do is 
In this garden, in this world 
I bloom a pretty flower that looks like you 
And breath as the one that you know 
But...I...still...

He couldn’t do it anymore. The sadness flowed through his veins and deadened his mind. It was a poison to his spirit, dulling him, torturing him, killing him. It was cold and unending, the world had gone empty and hollow.

Eventually, he blurted out something that woke the sleeping rose.

“Jimin, in an endless garden of flowers, I will always pick you”