◊◊◊◊◊

At seven in the morning Namjoo’s eyes flickered open. It wasn’t her internal alarm waking her. The phone wasn’t ringing either.

It was the doorbell.

Namjoo’s eyes grazed the sunlight streaking into her bedroom. Staring at the dust floating down from the light. Each particle spiraling around each other. Dancing for the last time before hitting ground. She blinked. Breathed.

Usually it would be a normal Saturday morning if not for the fact that Daehwi was beside her. . Snoring.

He had lamented to with her. She knew he knew he was being used. Was she an awful person? Yes, she was probably despicable. Slumping so low she had reached this point of no return.

This morning emptiness wallowed through her. Like she was here in body and spirit but also not.

The doorbell buzzed again.

She didn’t need to wonder who it was. Digging around half blindly she snagged Daehwi’s t-shirt. Slipping it over her body as she walked out of her bedroom. Aware she smelled of , sweat, and Daehwi. Intentionally.

Footsteps were heavy, but she bravely trudged forward. Breathing shallowly when she neared the buzzer. Her fingers crumpled up into a tiny fist before unfolding. Holding a finger out she pressed the buzzer and waited as her heart thumped resolutely.

Biting down on her teeth gently she stared at the doorknob. She could still turn around and hide under the blanket, but her feet did not move.

She waited.

Until the bell rang.

She reached for the knob.

It was this moment.

That she would be killing both their hearts.

Opening the door, she stared back at Sehun.

◊◊◊◊◊

“Do you know why you’re lonely? You can’t move on.”

Clasping his entwined hands underneath his chin he sat beside Yanghwa’s portrait. Deep in thought.

Namjoo’s words continuously punched him in the guts. Her tears tore through his flesh. Sehun didn’t know he could hurt her so horribly. What was he?

Regret filled him ever more. Her words like the dark clouds twirling around the moon. He the fog in the night refusing to disappear.

They were trapped in a cycle of suffering. Cursed into it.

What was wrong with them?

Lowering his face into his hands frustrated. Lost. Somewhere, somehow, he had jumped into the ocean and he couldn’t swim his way out. And he had pulled Namjoo in with him.

It was the truth. From the start he had always missed Yanghwa. The woman who made up his world. Gunta’s mother. His wife under law, under the eyes of heaven. She had always been his meaning in life. Unable to relinquish his love for her, because…she was his wife who had been taken so unfairly from him. From his and Gunta’s lives.

He hated it.

He was angry at the unseen powers.

For doing that to him.

For putting him through hell.

And without reason.

And he was still angry about it.

For being helpless.

For just watching without being able to do anything. His wife on the bed. His wife unable to hold his hand in her last moments.

His wife crying, “I’m sorry.” And not telling him, “I love you.” one last time.

It had always hurt.

Maybe Namjoo was right.

He couldn’t move on.

But he also wanted her to an extent.

Couldn’t he have that?

He wanted her.

All of her.

It wasn’t right that this was so difficult. That there was no straight line to happiness in their relationship. Didn’t he deserve to have it? Why did it have to keep slipping out of his grasp?

He didn’t sleep. Couldn’t sleep knowing he had made Namjoo cry.

He needed her. He wanted to hug her. Tell her, he was sorry.

◊◊◊◊◊

“What are you doing here again?” his father asked disgruntled when he opened the door.

“For just a few hours,” Sehun said holding onto Gunta’s hand. “Can you watch him?”

His stoic father narrowed his eyes. Observing his exhausted face against the beaming sky. “What’s wrong with you these days?”

“I have stuff to take care of.” Sehun excused.

“Whatever it is, I hope you’re taking care of yourself,” his father warmly said. “Watch out for your health.”

He smiled before looking down at Gunta. “Stay here for a bit, ok?”

“Why?” Gunta wondered with a frown. “I want to see Moowonie, too.”

“Later. I promise.” Urging him toward his grandpa he let go of his hand. Gunta pouted looking back over his shoulder to tell him how unfair it was that he was going alone. Sehun tried another smile. Felt it fall off his face when the door closed.

Heaving a sigh Sehun turned around to his car. There were a lot of things he wanted to say to Namjoo. Admit she was right. He would apologize for hurting her the other night. For making her sleep with him just so they could forget how miserable they were for an hour. For making her cry. He would ask if he could hold her. If she could give him another chance. If she could wait for him to forgive his past.

Sehun wanted to tell her that she was his light. She was the bright star in his night sky. That she did make his day clearer. That the rain went away because of her.

That he wanted to be able to love her without looking back.

Maybe some time in the future, he could open that portion of his heart to invite her in. If she waited for him to recover from his anger and grief, he could show her he could love her. If Namjoo wanted to stay he would marry her when the time was right.

He wanted to be in love with her.

Someday in the future he would finally let go of Yanghwa’s hand to start fresh. And he wanted Namjoo to be there.

If she gave him a chance. If she would wait for him.

These were the kinds of things he wanted to say to her.

His heart raced while waiting for her to open the door. Before Moowon woke up he wanted them to be alone. If she heard him out, would she not agree?

They could be smart.

They could be mature.

He was sorry.

He was…

The wings of hope made his eyes open larger when the door opened and Namjoo stood before him. In someone’s oversized shirt. Her hair mussed. She smelled of sweat. Of the familiar scent that belonged to them when they made love.

Everything washed from his mind. First experiencing a strange pang before the back of his eyes threatened to water. Second, betrayal. His heart dropped just as fast.

Namjoo merely stared at him. Without saying anything. She wasn’t even trying to come up with an excuse, and that probably hurt a lot more.  

“Namjoo?” A male voice called out.

His lips prodded open to say something, anything but his voice was dead. The life inside him away. Deplored because she was with another man.

Sehun’s mind blanked. He couldn’t think of anything to say. Get angry but he couldn’t. He felt stupid. He felt like an idiot. Coming with hopes as big as the sky. Expecting her to forgive him on the spot for all he had done to hurt her. For leading her on before he was ready.

Thinking Namjoo would want to marry him in the future. When she had Daehwi. When she had her son.

He was silly.

What an idiot he was.

Stupid.

“I came at a bad time,” he apologized holding back his heartbreak. Hoping against all hope that the pain had not spread over his face when he wheeled around to walk away. Hiding around the corner as the tears crept up into his eyes.

◊◊◊◊◊

“Can you take Moowon out?” Namjoo struggled to withhold her cry after Sehun left. Her voice cracked, “I want to be alone.”

Daehwi stared at her from behind for a long time. “Ok.”

Turning he opened the door to Moowon’s room. Speaking to him in a hushed voice. As Namjoo blinked the tears came just as fast. She turned away to hide in her room. She didn’t want Moowon to see her breaking.

When the door closed a few minutes later Namjoo hugged herself on her bed. Crying loudly. Soaking her pillow as the anguish quaked through her. Tearing everything inside her apart. Wishing it didn’t have to hurt so much. Knowing what she’d done was beyond repair, and Sehun would never look at her the same.

Weeping harder because she didn’t know what to do anymore.

Still sobbing when Daehwi finally returned with Moowon early afternoon. Entering the bedroom, he sat behind her silently. His presence a comforting ghost to the shattered pieces of her.

“Are you ok?” he worried.

Her chest shook as she cried harder. Unable to speak as the emotions ravaged her. The wounded hole inside her grew bigger as the seconds past.

Despising the outcome of everything.

That Sehun was hurt and she couldn’t help him. That she hurt because they needed to let go.

She had lost him even before she had him.

She fell sick the following day. Didn’t hear from Sehun. The next day she also didn’t hear from him. He dropped off Gunta so early at the daycare that she didn’t run into him anymore.

She had really struck him with a hammer.

Was he angry with her? Had she damaged him so bad? Thinking this hurled regret through her. Wondering daily if she had been too impulsive. Then chiding herself for going back on a decision she had already made. What difference would it make?

◊◊◊◊◊

“Has he called you?” Daehwi asked one evening.

“No.”

“Namjoo,” he gently scorned. Sighing he ran his fingers up through his hair. “You realize what you did isn’t fair. Why are you like this?”

Without saying anything she stared at the tabletop and listened to the cartoon playing on TV for Moowon. She didn’t want to talk about Sehun. The injury was still fresh.

“Don’t put me in the middle of your affair,” Daehwi flanked. “I’m sick of seeing you like this. If you hurt so much because of that guy, then go see him. Don’t mull around. Our son doesn’t need to see you like this, so get a grip.”

He gave her a harsh frown before leaving her at the table to go sit with his son. Guilt flashed through her. She had been trying to ignore Sehun and at the same time looking for him. If one last time could do it for her, she would go see him.

Namjoo waited till Thursday. This was her first time at Sehun’s workplace. She’d stopped by his office earlier. Asked around for help. Confused with the winding hallways. Stopping in various departments until someone recognized Sehun’s name. Fifteen minutes of searching through the computer for his current whereabouts, Namjoo left with a slip of paper.

Today he was on site with his colleague. Over watching a machine fill a dump truck with dirt. A manmade pond was in the progress. Something with nature conservation she didn’t quite understand. The details lost, because she only came to see one person.

Sehun, standing tall beside a worker draped in an orange vest. They were watching the machine work with detail. Hands moving to create a shape in the air she didn’t see as they conversed. From where she stood in the lot Sehun looked intelligent. Hard at work. Focused. He looked like a happy man. From a glance no one would think he was married or that he was a single dad. Or that inside he felt like dying every day. No one would guess that he had lost his wife in a tragic accident.

It was his colleague who noticed her before tapping Sehun on the shoulder. Namjoo stiffened when Sehun glanced over his shoulder. Noticing the way his eyes opened a fraction when he recognized her. Disappointed when he turned away to talk to the worker. After three minutes he slowly walked toward her.

He was fresh faced, which was a good sign. She had worried if he had been resting well, but it looked like she hadn’t affected him much. A big relief for her.

“Hi,” Namjoo greeted.

He managed to give her a small smile. “What are you doing here?”

“I thought we could talk,” Namjoo said, “but you look busy.”

“It’s ok. I can have an hour to myself.” he assured.

“Are you sure it’s ok?” She didn’t want him distracted because of her.

“We can walk this way.” He extended his arm to show her the way. They headed down the grainy trail with high grass on either side of them. The thick, dark woods miles away leaving them alone in an open area. Here they couldn’t hide. Couldn’t run.

“I made that,” he pointed to a bench ahead. “We’re working on making this area friendly. It can become a walking trail, a place for people to picnic, for kids to hang out. Things like that.”

“That’s nice,” Namjoo complimented. She’d never been involved in his work life. Actually, she had never asked about it. At the early stage of their romance they had been infatuated with each other nothing else in reality had mattered.

Another fault of theirs.

“Want to sit?” he asked.

“Ok.”

Following his lead, she observed the polished wood. Sitting with a small gap between them. Quiet at first. The breeze a soft burst from out of nowhere creating a wave among the high grass. Namjoo watched the tall strands wave back and forth, as if cheering her on.

She wasn’t here to say she missed him. She was just here to see him, but she didn’t know how to say it.

“I used to dream about flying away,” Sehun broke the silence, “but then Gunta grounds me. Yanghwa,” he looked at her. Namjoo’s eyes widened slightly. Assuming he had mistaken her again.

“Yanghwa,” he called her name so gently Namjoo could only smile in understanding to not be hurt. “I still love her. I know she’s not here anymore, but Namjoo, I just need some time.”

She softly nodded. “I understand.”

“So,” he said, “that’s it, huh?”

“I think so,” she nodded again, trying not to cry.

“Lets stay here for a while longer,” he said. “I don’t want to go back yet.”

“Me, too.”

◊◊◊◊◊

After an hour, Sehun watched Namjoo leave. Showing a smile when she looked back one more time. Just to show her he was fine. He could do this, too.

The emptiness was so hollow when she really drove off.

This was it.

This was really it.

They were over.

If Namjoo hurt because of him, he would respect her. Until they could land on the same page again. Until their hearts could play the same beat.

That day, he would wait for it.

One day, one day he would have that day.

They could smile looking at each other again. The world could be brighter without the endless dark.

When he could look up at the night sky and see the stars surrounding the moon. When the fog was gone. When the heavy clouds finally dispersed. Allowing the moon to shine.

They would love each other again.

Happily.

***hhaha just kidding. This isn't the last chapter