Blazing Stars

This is My Love

◊◊◊◊◊

Daehwi was waiting at the front of the building for her. It was the very first time she was seeing his place. Small. Modest. Half the size of her place. Filled with the simple things like a bathroom, kitchen, a living space that was also his bedroom. This was where he stayed in between his jobs.

Namjoo stepped inside feeling like she had nowhere to sit. His futon was rolled up into the corner. On top of it was his blanket and the flattest pillow she’d ever seen. She almost wanted to offer him a new one.

“Sit,” he invited, which made her look around at the same things once more. The rice cooker. Dish rack. The only spoon and fork that occupied it along with a solo plate.

“Do you want anything?” he walked over to the square that was obviously his fridge. Sitting lonesomely. Tucked into the corner. All the food she had in hers wouldn’t fit in it.

She felt sorry for him.

For being such a .

For giving him such a hard time.

“Here,” Daehwi handed her a cold water bottle. “It’s all I have.”

“Thanks.” Namjoo quietly said. No table. He must eat off the ground when he spent his days here. How many days a week was that?

She sat down feeling squeezed against the wall. Relishing in the fact again that his house was barely half the size of hers. Daehwi really lived like this. Frugally.

“You live like this?” Namjoo asked when he sat down beside her, so they could stretch their legs out. Her feet trespassed into the kitchen. The room was that thin.

“Yes,” he answered. “I like it. It reminds me not to be so materialistic.”

When they glanced at each other he smiled. Appearing warm. Aged. Mature. There were lines in his face that had deepened over the years. The playboy look he’d trotted around with in his younger years was disappearing. He just looked like a hard-working man. Who lived alone. No one would guess he had a wife. Didn’t look like the kind of man who could get angry one moment, be calm the next. Truly, the years had been hard on him. Rather than get on her good side, Namjoo felt pity. Thinking to herself she would be like him if not for Gunta, who had blessed her and Moowon with some money.

Reflecting on herself, Namjoo wondered if she had been too hard on him.

“How is Moowon?” Daehwi began. “He’s so strong now I’m surprised.”

“Does it hurt?” Namjoo wondered.

“Nah,” he said. Smiling, “My son can’t hurt me.”

“I’m sorry,” Namjoo apologized.

“For what? You don’t have to be.” He kindly assured.

“I think Moowon is like this because of me,” Namjoo admitted. “I used to get so angry at you, and sometimes I do it without thinking.”

“I know,” Daehwi acknowledged. “I don’t like fighting either, Namjoo.”

Namjoo gripped onto her water bottle. “I like him, Daehwi.”

There was a moment of silence. “I wish you wouldn’t.”

“Daehwi…”

“I still want you to come back to me,” Daehwi cut her off. “I mean it, Namjoo. I know we can still make this work.”

“It’s not the same.”

“How can it not?” he argued.

“A lot of time passed. You know that.” She turned to him. “Nothing’s really the same. Except for the fact that we had Moowon, and he needs you and I want you to be there for him. You’re his father.”

“What about the other guy?” Daehwi asked. “Is he going to be Moowon’s father, too?”

opened then she bit her tongue flustered. She didn’t know. She and Sehun weren’t that far along in their relationship yet. Not sure how much of him she wanted in her future. If he wanted her in his. They could break up later. Too many uncertainties, because he’d only just become her boyfriend.

Someone she thought she wanted to be with.

“I don’t know.” Namjoo quietly muttered staring at the floor.

Aware that just because two people shared mutual feelings nothing really stayed steady. Difficulties could pop up along the way. Look at her and Daehwi. Thinking she’d spend her entire lifetime with him, but they had broken up. Divorced. She was raising Moowon alone.

“It’s too early to tell,” Namjoo admitted.

She didn’t want to become too hopeful. The roads were so gray, but she liked Sehun and she wanted to give him a chance. To see where they could go. What they could become. Why not? He liked her, too.

“I know I’m a jerk,” Daehwi said. “I don’t want you to go too far. I know I made a mistake. I wish we could move past it. For Moowon. For us. I still love you.”

◊◊◊◊◊

One more glance into the living room to see the kids glued to the television. Another glance at the time. Namjoo had been gone almost two hours. What was she talking about with her ex?

He’d fed the kids dinner. Gunta played with but ate his food. Moowon quietly ate from his bowl almost begrudgingly and without looking at him. Not asking for anything but sulking by his little lonesome self. He was almost like an independent kid rebelling. Sehun couldn’t get through to him. He also didn’t want to push it, because if Moowon’s dislike for him increased it would affect his relationship with Namjoo.

Honestly, he had never been so troubled before. With a child.

Fifteen minutes swiftly flew by before the doorbell rang. His heart lurched. Hurrying to open the door to find Namjoo on the other side.

“You wait long?” she asked walking in.

“I’d say no, but…yea,” he admitted.

Namjoo gave him a half-grin half-frown before walking into the living room to find her son. He watched as Moowon warmly let her hug him and nod when she asked if he ate. Moowon definitely loved his mother. His biggest obstacle was winning Moowon’s heart if he wanted to be with Namjoo.

“Where’s dinner?” Namjoo asked walking up to him.

“I’ll warm it up,” he said heading back into the kitchen listening to her follow him. Pulling the fridge open, he asked, “You were gone a while.”

“Daehwi lives on the other side of the city.” Namjoo explained. “If you estimate the time between traffic…”

“I get it.” He turned around with plates.

Namjoo stared up at him taken aback. “What’s wrong?”

He tried not to look into the living room to make it obvious. Moving toward the microwave he placed a plate in and turned it on watching the maching run with a low hum. Staring as the plate spun round and round. Like his life constantly revolving around this factor of loneliness. Sehun didn’t want to feel isolated. Go through another season of darkness to find some light. Something that made him happy.

He just wished things could be easygoing for him, so he could believe that life wasn’t so bad. So that there was someone else other than Gunta who could keep him from floating away.

For once, he felt like he existed on the same plane as someone else. Namjoo. Walking on a land of broken hearts. The two of them miserably. Going around and around without direction until they somehow found each other, as if some kind of fate had set them up.

Did she realize it? That she was a light for him? Kind of like a blazing star shining out of nowhere in the dark sky. Giving him hope for a better tomorrow. Igniting the feelings he thought he’d never feel again. And he thought she was just the same and that was how they connected.

“I’m worried,” he confessed, “if you’ll change your mind about me.”

Namjoo blinked then smiled as if he’d said something silly. “You’re not the clingy type, are you?” Edging past him she opened the microwave for the food and grabbed the plate still in his hand. After sticking it inside and letting it run, she set the warm food on the table.

He tried smiling, “Of course not.”

Shifting to face him she leaned against the chair looking comfortable and perfect. He thought about hugging her, kissing her, but his eyes traveled toward the living room. Wondering if Moowon was paying attention to them. Prepared to interrupt if he got close to his mom.

Her gaze zeroed in on him. “What?”

Blinking, he glanced at her. “Nothing.”

How could he tell her that Moowon was making him wary? It didn’t sound like the thing to do, placing fault on her son.

“I think the food’s ready.” Namjoo’s voice cut off his thoughts.

“Oh…right…”

They sat down to eat more quietly than he expected. Then he watched mother and son walk off into the night. As he lay down in bed he wondered if he should have told Namjoo what Moowon had said.

Of course Sehun knew he wasn’t his father. He was Gunta’s father. Also his mother’s boyfriend. Since when, he wondered, did Moowon think of him as a threat?

Was there a chance of Namjoo getting back with Daehwi? And that was why Moowon was overly protective? Or was it just his mindset that his dad could only be his dad and no one else?

Maybe he should have asked Namjoo what exactly she had talked about with her ex. He couldn’t stop thinking.

He was worried.

◊◊◊◊◊

Lets just focus on Moowon was what she’d said. Moowon should be their priority. Nothing else. She had drawn the line. Daehwi had drawn his line.

Now what?

She had feelings for Sehun while Daehwi had feelings for her? It was a little too late, wasn’t it?

Flipping onto her back Namjoo stared up at the ceiling. If Daehwi had come to her earlier, she would have slapped him. Then hug him. They’d fight, but she would eventually get over herself because he was Moowon’s father.

But Sehun happened. She didn’t want to retract and disappoint him. She wanted to give this new chance all she could. She deserved it. He deserved it.

Yet Daehwi made her think about what ifs. If he was constantly around Moowon wouldn’t be having a hard time. If he played his father part Moowon could boast to his friends about his dad. If Daehwi was just here with them Moowon could be a normal son with two parents. A go lucky happy child who had it all. Moowon could be the envy of other kids, but he wasn’t.

He had adapted her unhappy personality. Namjoo hated herself for it.

If Daehwi never left them this would never have happened.

The ifs were too strong. Too many.

She glanced at her phone. Thinking about calling Sehun, but he may be asleep. Hearing his voice was comforting and she felt like she needed it. Sighing she glanced at Moowon tucked under the blanket beside her. Feeling sorry for him and at the same time feeling all the love in the world for him.

◊◊◊◊◊

“Am I going to Gunta today?” Moowon asked at the breakfast table.

“I don’t think so,” Namjoo replied at the sink. They had finished breakfast. Since Moowon had eaten his entire plate she’d given him some cookies with milk for dessert.

“I wanna play, mommy,” Moowon told.

“Let me talk to his daddy and we’ll see.” Namjoo answered. When Moowon didn’t say anything, she turned to see him breaking apart his cookie. She hadn’t asked yesterday, so she did. “Were you nice to Gunta’s daddy yesterday?”

No reply again. Turning the sink off, Namjoo dried her hands against her pants and moved to sit next to him. Asking, “You don’t like Gunta’s daddy?”

“I like Gunta,” Moowon mumbled below hearing level.

“What about Gunta’s daddy?” Namjoo probed.

Moowon’s eyes skittered over the tabletop before turning to her, exclaiming, “But I have daddy, mommy.”

Blinking, Namjoo surprisingly didn’t know what to say. Moowon’s large, bright eyes remained on her. Waiting for her to say something. Perhaps to defend Daehwi. Truth was, she would do anything for Moowon. Sell her soul to the devil. Go to the earth’s end to make him happy.

Could she break up with Sehun for him?

“Gunta’s daddy,” she calmly began, “is Gunta’s daddy. Your daddy is your daddy.” Holding her forefingers out she further explained, “They’re two very different people.”

“Then why you like him?” Moowon asked unable to understand.

Again, Namjoo didn’t know how to gently put it into words, so all she said was, “Yes, mommy likes Gunta’s daddy.”

“Don’t want you to,” Moowon pouted.

Touching his hair, she let her hand rove down the back of his head. “Gunta’s daddy makes mommy happy. I know it’s hard to understand, but mommy and daddy are still friends. Your daddy will always be your daddy. You know that, right?”

Still pouting Moowon shook his head. Smiling Namjoo squeezed him into a gentle hug then kissed his forehead. “You’re such a good boy.”

After dressing she hurried out with him. Sehun was in the parking lot when she drove in. He looked suave today and Gunta playful as always, grinning widely when he saw Moowon peering out of the window. Climbing out of the car she helped Moowon down. Being the shy sensitive child he was he smiled happily and waved at his friend while staying beside her.

“Moowonie!” Gunta jumped up and down actively as he headed toward them with Sehun.

“Hey,” Sehun grinned. Namjoo smiled just the same. Sharing the same spark from just seeing each other. Wanting to touch him in greeting, hold his hand, or give him a peck, but the kids were watching.

“Come on, Moowon,” Namjoo beckoned reaching for his hand. Gripping her tightly he walked along with her.

“Me, too! Me, too!” Gunta gladly exclaimed holding onto Moowon’s hand and excitedly looked up at her before holding his hand out for his dad. Namjoo thought they looked exactly like a family. Parents dropping their kids off at daycare before going to work. It made her heart flutter, but she tried to retain the emotion.

She and Sehun weren’t married. They didn’t share children. This feeling was farfetched. The thought just a dream.

They gave the kids a hug and when they finally turned their backs on them Sehun took her hand as they walked out. Oozing charm as she glanced at his broad back. Picking up her pace to stand next to him she touched his arm just so they could be a little closer.

“You look nice today,” Namjoo commented.

“You noticed?” he asked with a twinkle in his eyes.

Her smile grew broader. God, the way he made her heart jump should be illegal. “I had a little pep talk with Moowon.”

“About?”

“I told him that you’re Gunta’s dad and his dad is his dad,” Namjoo said. “Two different people.”

“So, I’m just Gunta’s dad?” he gave her a side-eye.

Namjoo laughed befuddled. “You know that’s not what I said.”

Leaning over he gave her a peck. “Good.”

Namjoo blushed as they reached her car. Touching his face, she tiptoed to give him a kiss. He returned it just as quick. Then she found her arm snaking around his neck to hold him closer. Tasting his mouth. Savoring his tongue. It didn’t matter if they were seen. She liked him. Wanted to express it and needed to feel wanted, too.

This was the first time she was finally seeking love in the arms of someone again. It would hurt too much, leave her with too much regret if she just let it go.

Deprived of the ability to feel happiness she wanted to soak in all that Sehun would offer her. Call it desperation or whatever, she deserved to be a woman. To not always be filled with so much disdain or anger at the life Daehwi had left her with. She didn’t always want to be alone.

She yearned for comfort, for arms to hug her. She didn’t need someone to sweep her off her feet, yet it would be a nice feeling to indulge. To ask to be saved. To be loved.

She wanted to be loved. Know what it felt like again. Feel special.

Namjoo opened her eyes, opened to get some air. Sehun’s lips lingered. She recognized his arm around her. Saw the same emotions of want smoking through his eyes before he kissed her again.

Once upon a time she had been a young innocent girl. Confident she’d found the greatest love possible in Daehwi. This time, Namjoo wanted to believe she had also found it. In Sehun.

That he could love her in his own special way.

That he could be the hero who could help her fly again.

If she wasn’t too naïve, she wanted to finally, really love again.


***lets see where love really goes


 

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minifantasy
I was going to work on the finale but looks like that's going to have to wait to Sunday evening. I'm taking a short getaway. Maybe I can think things through more clearly. But I will definitely have this story finished by Monday, so we can all cry together.

Comments

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Scarkath18 #1
Chapter 39: I really cried after end of this story. It was beautiful and I love all of their moments together. I really like that you left it open for interpretation because the whole story is very complex and it’s understandable why their feelings and experiences led to all of this. I found this story very realistic. Thank you for sharing you work. It was a great read!
QueenofSnow #2
Chapter 39: your stories are very realistic, and u pictured it beautifully :')
sookrysjung
#3
angst is really your forte ???? huhuhu
sookrysjung
#4
Chapter 39: I just finished this story now. woooow took me a loooong time. ugh my heart ??? ready to ready your next story! :> thank you so much for writing!
sookrysjung
#5
Chapter 19: ????? can I flick Namjoo’s forehead every time she says “enjoy your date”????? just date alreadyyyy hahahaa
Seenaa #6
Chapter 39: I'M CRYING SO HARDDDDD OMG ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ really thankful that you make it an open ending i guess this is the perfect realistic ending for them ≥﹏≤

Thank you so much for sharing this story ♡
MissMong24 #7
Chapter 39: I truly enjoy how realistic this story is. Even the ending. They are both two broken people who need some time alone to think and come to terms with their emotion, especially Sehun. Good job dear author! You got yourself a new fan :)
theseamaiden #8
Chapter 39: crying 100x more now than the one-shot version of this. :(

thank you for this wonderful story! looking forward to your next. :D
Sehun_ily #9
Chapter 39: I first read this in the morning, I went to work and still feeling sad...

:’(