◊◊◊◊◊

Down the hall Sehun paused and glanced back. The door was closed. Namjoo was gone.

If he’d said tell me not to go would she have said it?

What if he was just being silly? What if his emotions were just getting the better of him? What if Namjoo didn’t even think of him. That all he was to her was that he was just Gunta’s dad?

Too much thinking. Too many uncertainties.

But if…Namjoo just said something he might have a little courage.

By the time he drove up to Saemi’s luxurious cityside apartment he wished he would have just driven off. The cluster of windows, high verandas, and expensive imported cars screamed high class. The building stretching up so high it could compete with the skyscrapers downtown.

Sehun parked near the entrance as directed and waited. Automated doors swished open like soldiers bowing for the royalty. Saemi walked toward his car in a pretty silver gown. Smelling heavy of perfume, makeup, and hair spray. Setting her matching silver clutch onto her lap she pulled her seatbelt on.

“I hear we’re going somewhere very nice today,” she smiled.

“You talked with my mom,” he flatly stated.

“She called,” Saemi explained as the drove off. “So, I told her what I said. Your mother’s quite happy for us. Don’t you like your mother happy, Sehun?”

He gripped the steering wheel harder. “I think happiness should equate to another’s happiness. Not relishing in happiness over someone’s unwillingness.”

“That sounds personal,” Saemi commented eyeing him.

He didn’t answer.

“Do let me know if you plan to end the night early.” Saemi leaned back into her seat.

They stopped at a flower garden. Quietly walking through. Stopping here and there for Saemi to snap pictures. There was an instance she stopped a passerby to take a photo of them under a blooming cherry blossom. Saemi got into position beside him. Standing so closely he could feel their arms brushing. And then he felt her slide her hand through his.

“Ready!” the photographer called out. Astounded Sehun tried to pull his hand away but she held on a little firmer. Smiling graciously as the photographer counted down to three. Sehun feigned a quick smile as the camera flashed.

“Let me look at the picture,” Saemi said hurrying forward. Flexing his fingers to ward off the remnant of her touch he slipped his hand inside his pocket. “Oh…it’s blurry.”

Saemi dashed back beside him for another take. She ended up gripping onto her hands in front of her when she realized his hand was tucked away. He posed patiently for the sake of not embarrassing the kind passerby then they thanked him as she retrieved her phone.

“I think I’ll keep this,” Saemi said following him down the trail toward the Japanese plants. Holding her phone up to admire their photo. “It’ll serve as a good memory.”

He said nothing.

He wanted to go home.

He wanted to be anywhere but here.

“Do you dislike me that much?” Saemi caught up to his side. Her tone sounded neutral and also like she was trying too hard.

“I don’t dislike you.” he quietly said.

“Then do you like me even a little bit?” Saemi asked.

“You’re,” he started, “more than I asked for.”

“And that’s supposed to mean?”

“You’re smart, well educated, you care about the world.”

“Per your mom’s words?” Saemi cocked her head to the side to glance into his face.

“She isn’t wrong.” He kept from her gaze.

“So, that’s all you see?” she wondered.

He stopped. Looked ahead at the party of three ogling over a mock traditional home in the distance. Others were absorbing the open scenery of green nature expanding below the blue, blue sky. The smell of pine and fresh green grass here strong. All seemed to be enjoying something about their venture here today. Whether it be basking in nature or the presence of their friends and family.

He and Saemi were the odd ones out. Not really friends. Not really together.

“You’re a good person, Saemi…”

“Then, lets date,” Saemi cut him off. Abruptly turning at the unexpected he stared at her. “Lets date and you can find out more about me.”

◊◊◊◊◊

Gently laying Moowon down on her bed beside Gunta Namjoo lightly rubbed his head adoringly. Leaning forward to give him a peck on his baby smooth cheek. Wondering what kinds of things went through his head nowadays. Strange how he came from her, but she never knew what he was feeling. Could never detect the things processing through his mind.

Adjusting the blanket over Gunta to keep him warm she got up to turn off the lights. Not closing the door all the way as she stepped out into her silent home. A good hour had passed. She had kept the kids occupied at the playground. Watching them run around with the other children, letting them run their energy off.

Now she thought she deserved an award for putting two children to sleep. Heading into the kitchen Namjoo made herself a sandwich and sat alone. Staring around her place littered with toys. Just her and Moowon.

It had always been like that.

Her and her son.

Things were changing these days. Perhaps the events were making her realize how isolated she’d been. Opening her eyes to the loneliness she had been living with. And it was consuming her these days. It shouldn’t be, but it was.

Namjoo cleaned up and went to lay on the couch to relax. Not realizing she’d dozed off when the doorbell buzzed.

Sehun was back.

Sitting up she realized the sky had darkened. Stars littered the sky like beautiful white dots when she glanced behind her. She hadn’t closed the curtains and the kids were still sleeping. Stretching she headed for the door.

“They’re asleep,” Namjoo first said when she opened the door for him.

“Then, can I come in for a bit?” he asked.

“Yea, sure,” Namjoo stepped back for him. “Do you want a glass of water?”

“That’d be nice.”

She turned to follow him into the kitchen. Grabbing a glass of water, she filled it up and set it in front of him at the table. Joining him she wondered, “How was your date?”

He the cup but didn’t drink it. “It wasn’t great.”

“Oh…” Namjoo breathed unsure what to really say. “Sorry.”

“Me, too.”

“What?” she asked confused.

“Never mind,” he said.

She watched him lift the glass up to his lips thinking he didn’t look like a happy boyfriend. She shouldn’t have, but she blurted, “Do you like her?”

His eyes dead on locked on hers and she started mentally slapping herself. What did his personal life have to do with her? Why was she being nosy?

“Saemi?” he asked the obvious. “I guess, I still have to find out.”

“I’m lost, sorry.” Namjoo said.

Sehun scratched the tabletop without looking at her. “We have another date Friday. To figure things out, that kind of stuff.”

“Oh, that’s good,” Namjoo forced herself to perk up. “Actually, there’s a carnival nearby my workplace that afternoon. I can take Gunta, too. So…so, it’s fine.”

◊◊◊◊◊

He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t say no, he didn’t have feelings for Saemi. He didn’t have the guts to make things obvious. He didn’t know what to do, because he was uncertain for himself. About Namjoo and if she could think of him like a man at all. Where was she with her ex? He couldn’t turn Saemi down without a valid reason. What if Saemi told his mother about this other person he was interested in?

His mother had waited all this time for him to find some happiness again. She would no doubt flag Namjoo. Not because she didn’t know her, but Saemi was all the greatness his mother loved. Eventually, if his parents discovered that Namjoo was Gunta’s surrogate mother they would abhor her for what she’d done.

Maybe he should feel bad, too. Namjoo had been a young woman when she’d done it. He still didn’t know why.

They shouldn’t have met again. All these complexities stemming from their very brief past was abnormal. What would his wife think knowing he had developed feelings for Gunta’s surrogate mother?

He was horrible.

Guilty all around.

He and Namjoo should have really never started seeing each other. At the same time, he didn’t want to not see her again.

◊◊◊◊◊

“I’m an idiot. Mommy’s an idiot,” Namjoo mumbled to herself as the screen from her cell phone blared through her dark room. Moowon was up by her skimming through videos on the internet.

“What’s that?” Moowon asked looking at her.

Smiling amused she ruffled his head, “Five more minutes, ok? Then we turn it off.”

Pouting he rolled away from her leaving her staring up at the dank ceiling. Trying to conjure to memory the pretty image of Saemi from Saturday night. Still wondering if Sehun liked her. The answer should be obvious, shouldn’t it? From the way he acted, but he was always so solemn when it came to Saemi she wasn’t sure. Was Sehun just a person who didn’t express his joy?

She wished she could stop thinking. It shouldn’t matter at all, but for some reason it did.

Did she want Sehun to like Saemi?

No.

That’s why it was disturbing.

Sehun was Gunta’s father.

◊◊◊◊◊

“Hi,” Sehun greeted the following morning.

“Auntay, auntay!” Gunta shrieked showing her the stickers he had. “I give!”

“Why, thank you. I love it!” she said letting him press one onto the back of her hand.

“Moowonie, too!” turning to her son he handed him a page to share.

As they headed down the parking lot Namjoo stole a glance of Sehun’s handsome form. He looked refreshed compared to his melancholic state last evening. He smelled nice, too. She felt heat climb into her cheeks, wishing she could stop herself.

Namjoo quickly grasped onto her purse strap when their hands brushed. Hurriedly switching attention to Moowon she said, “Share with the other kids too, ok?”

“Ok.” He quietly replied when they reached the front doors of the daycare. Even after the kids had run off, she remained at the doors. Unsure if she had it in her to walk back to her car with Sehun.

“So, Friday.”

“Yes?” she abruptly turned to him surprised. Catching herself, she tried more calmer, “I mean, what about it?”

“I’ll drop Gunta off at your workplace,” Sehun said.

“Sure, that works.” Namjoo tried to ease a smile on.

“Again,” he hesitatingly started, side glanced elsewhere, and then back to her, “thanks.”

“Of course,” she chirped, “no problem.”

“Then…” he started turning away slowly, “have a nice day.”

“You, too,” Namjoo said fully smiling but not feeling it. She watched him walk off like the many times he’d done before. Only wishing she could have said something more.

Like, don’t go on that date.

◊◊◊◊◊

Some sign was all he needed. It didn’t seem like Namjoo thought about him the way he thought of her. Always wishing him the best with Saemi. Did she not see the way he always stood on her doorstep waiting for her to say something? The excuses he used to stay a bit longer?

Perhaps not. He was probably being delusional. If his obvious signs weren’t enough Namjoo wasn’t interested.

“Daddy?” Gunta called out from the backseat. “We no go?”

“Oh, yea. Sorry,” Sehun apologized releasing his seatbelt. So in his thoughts he’d forgotten he was parked in the parking lot of Namjoo’s workplace. Climbing out of the car he helped Gunta down.

“Hold my hand, ok?” Sehun said as they walked toward the building. From afar he could hear distant noises of activity buzzing from the carnival.

“We go, we go, we go,” Gunta happily sing-songed beside him. Hopping cheerily as they approached the white building. Namjoo had sent a text she was inside with Moowon on the second floor.

He found the elevator banks straight ahead and pressed the button to head up. Despite his effort he could feel the usual anxiousness bursting inside him knowing he was about to see Namjoo. As the doors dinged open, he immediately heard Moowon energetically talking to someone. A wide-open space stretched in front of them as they left the elevator. Filled with numerous circular tables and a smoothie bar. Wide windows with spectacular views. Moowon was clutching a toy to his chest and making wide movements as he conversed with who he recognized as Namjoo’s friend. She was the first to notice them.

“Oh? Looks like your friend’s here,” she spoke to Moowon.

He shyly lifted his hand up to wave and called out, “Gunta! I here!”

Noticing him peering around she explained, “Namjoo will be back soon.”

“So, he’s your son?” she asked.

“Gunta,” Sehun introduced.

“Moowon’s best friend,” she grinned.

“That’s about right,” he said.

“I’m Yurim. I work with Namjoo,” she told. “I know we’ve met, but she hasn’t told me anything about you.”

“Oh…” was all he weakly managed. Another sign Namjoo wasn’t interested. He wasn’t of talking topic.

“You’re here?” Namjoo interrupted. He immediately wheeled around to look at her. Anticipation swirling through him and washing away the current disappointment enveloping him.

“Yea. We’re not early?” Sehun asked.

“No, I just had to go take a phone call,” Namjoo explained.

“We were just saying, you’ve never told me about him,” Yurim tweaked her eyebrows playfully. Heat washed over him embarrassed.

“Yurim,” Namjoo coldly scolded. “He has a date.”

Awash with dismay he looked down. Regretfully pulling on a smile, he said, “That’s right. I should get going.”

Their eyes met briefly before he looked away. He didn’t want her to see how letdown he was. Turning away he walked over to Gunta, “Have fun, ok? I’ll come get you later.” Pressing a kiss to his cheek he got up and brushed past Namjoo.

◊◊◊◊◊

“Is he your friend or something?” Yurim wondered as her eyes floated to the linoleum floors feeling her heart pang with disdain. Sehun had looked that way again. Miserable. Hopeless.

“You’ve never told me about him. Namjoo…” Yurim’s voice faded into the distance as her thoughts overpowered every other sense she possessed.

She thought of the way Sehun made her world tilt. Of how special she’d felt for the first time when he said she was pretty. Thinking of his hand offering some comfort in her hard times and that it was better than a hug. That he had been there, and he hadn’t judged. His silence meeting her weighty heart. Allowing Moowon to have a playmate, so he wouldn’t be lonely like his mother.

Those quiet eyes of his showing but not saying. Never talking about Saemi to her.

Realization struck her. Lifting her eyes up she stared at the elevator as if it would open. Whirling around she grabbed Yurim’s arm, “Watch the kids, ok?”

“Where are you going?” Yurim called out after her as she shoved the door to the stairs open.

She should have known. She should have! Sehun didn’t care about those dates. Sehun never wanted to go on those dates. He didn’t care about Saemi. That was all that mattered. Dashing down the stairs at full speed Namjoo shoved the lobby door open and raced outside. Hoping Sehun hadn’t driven off yet.

Turning around the corner she panted before spotting his familiar back not yet down the parking lot. A weak breeze brushed rustling the tree leaves just the slightest. The smallest push she needed to chase him.

“Sehun!” she called out running toward him.

He spun around surprised his eyes blank, unreadable. Namjoo stared up at him suddenly lost with words. What the hell was she going to say? She needed a reason for him not to go.

She was suddenly mortified with humiliation. What was she doing? It was horrifying to tell him straight out he shouldn’t see Saemi because she didn’t want him to. God, she was an idiot!

Gripping her hand into a small fist Namjoo mentally promised she’d shove her head down the toilet later. She had always wondered whether words or actions were more difficult to convey. Right now, she decided it was words that were the toughest to deal with.

Grabbing his shirt with just the slightest effort she tiptoed to kiss him. Feeling the rush of adrenaline offer her some courage, but it quickly vanished the closer she got to him. The more she questioned herself. What was she thinking? Was this right? Going to the date was his decision.

The grip on his shirt loosened and she paused. She couldn’t do it. Sure, she lost her mind sometimes, but this wasn’t it. She would apologize and let him go. But then Sehun grabbed the hand on his shirt and she felt the warmth of his lips.

***too much thinking, not enough showing. the both of them are so dense