What suddenly started as rolling tears turned into a guttural cry. Namjoo felt it deep in her soul.

“Sorry,” he croaked, “I’m…sorry.”

The ache instantly ravaged through her earlier drunken joy. Namjoo wanted to look away from this image of a broken man. Pretend he wasn’t here. Pretend this wasn’t here.

Pretend that this night was still their night.

“I’m sorry.” He cried. The pain on his face was as clear as the moon in the night. Namjoo didn’t want to see it. Namjoo wanted to pretend it wasn’t there. “I’m so sorry.” He sobbed again.

She didn’t know if he was talking to her anymore.

If he wanted to apologize for what he had started with her.

If he wanted to apologize for being so helpless.

Touching her hand his lips trembled. “Yanghwa, why did you leave me?”

Tears brimmed at the corner of her eyes. She refused to let them fall. For if they did it would really mean she was nothing to him. And she would lose what she almost had.

“We promised to grow old,” he sobbed. “Why did you leave me? I can’t do this alone. I miss you. I’m so lonely.” He let out a weak cry that punched her in the guts. “Can’t you come back?”

The tears dripped. The sorrow slicing her open as he pulled her hand toward his chest, gripping tighter afraid he could lose her. But she wasn’t who he wanted.

“I love you.” Dropping his head, he cried so hard his tears created a small puddle on the table top. “Don’t go. Please don’t go.”

The tears streamed faster. Each seam of her heart coming apart with his every cry. It hurt and it hurt and it hurt. The pain plunged deeper and deeper into her heart. Driving its stake through her bones, tearing her apart until she was nothing.

“Yanghwa,” he wept. “What am I supposed to do without you?”

His shoulders shook. His entire body drooped. The anguish in his cries echoed through her head. Namjoo’s heart broke again and again for him.

Crying with him. For him. For herself.

Finally gathering it in her to the side of his head. Dripping tears, as she shattered inside. “It’s ok, Sehun.”

She continued to listen to the language of his heartbreak. Knowing well that there was nothing she could do.

She wasn’t the one.

Swallowing her pit of despair, she got off her chair to pull him into her arms. Let him weep against her shoulder as the night died out.

◊◊◊◊◊

Sehun groaned. Moaned. The sun was shining directly into his face interrupting his sleep. He shifted and rolled over. Finally opening his eyes to peer around his room. Seeing that the door was closed and momentarily confused. The pang in his head made him wince when he pushed himself up. God, he needed to puke.

Rushing out the door he made it to the bathroom in time to relieve himself. Until he was dry heaving into the toilet. Groaning once more he leaned against the sink counter wondering what the hell happened last night. Hanging his head low trying to recall anything, something.

Remembering Namjoo. The date with her. The nice day they’d had. And then he blanked out.

Just a few drinks he’d said, but he wasn’t a drinking person anymore. He was Gunta’s father. He had to be smart for his son’s sake.

He groaned again before his phone started ringing waking him. Leaving the bathroom, he searched for his phone. Going to the couch to his bedroom before finding it on the kitchen table. Pausing momentarily when he noticed the convenience store bag tied up on the table.

“Hello?” he answered tucking the phone between his cheek and shoulder while he opened the bag to discover bags of chips and soda inside.

What was this? So much junk food.

“What are you doing? Gunta woke up and he wants to come home.” It was his father.

“Oh, right.” He pressed a hand against his pounding head. “I’ll be right there.”

Hanging up he sighed. Dismissing the junk food, he opened the fridge for a cold glass of water. Pausing again when he discovered the beer tucked inside.

The memory whooshed back as fast as the wind. Mentally toppling him off his feet. Recalling last night’s event. The spinoff that had Namjoo leaving him in the middle of the night without a word.

His heart dropped.

Forgetting to brush his teeth or wash his face he dug around for his keys. Flinging over the blanket in his bedroom. Tossing his unkempt clothes aside. Internally screaming before he finally found the keys on the kitchen counter.

His heart raced.

He could still feel Namjoo’s arms around him. Holding him as he wept over Yanghwa. And he could feel it all the way down to his feet that he had ruined everything.

Leaving his car by the curb he buzzed for Namjoo. Punching the button again and again. Doubling back to look up at the building praying she would open the door for him.

She never did.

Stubborn, he raced around the block. In search of the playground hoping she had taken Moowon out to play. The breeze pushed against him, as if telling him to stop. That it wasn’t worth it. He wouldn’t find her.

Sehun persisted. His eyes searching desperately. Until he recognized the playground coming into view. Heard the children screaming. Then he saw them.

Namjoo with Daehwi on a bench.

And his heart dropped faster.

Namjoo was going to leave him.

◊◊◊◊◊

“What are you doing here?” Yurim first asked when she had opened the door for her last night.

“Is Moowon asleep?” Namjoo asked. Drained. Torn up. Feeling like hyenas had feasted on all the meat she had on her body.

Studying her face, her friend worried, “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine,” Namjoo pulled on a smile. “I’ll get Moowon. Sorry for bothering you.”

She didn’t sleep that night.

She felt like a corpse in the coming morning. Unable to touch her food as Moowon jumped around by himself in her living room. Still hearing the despair in Sehun’s cries the previous night.

She felt cut up.

Bitterly inclined to laugh at herself. Because what had she expected?

Happiness had never truly been in her grasp from the start. Not even when she loved Daehwi.

“Lets call your daddy,” Namjoo said turning to Moowon.

Daehwi hadn’t been in touch with her recently. He had deposited money into her bank account, but she didn’t know if he was out of town or not. Today he wasn’t.

“Calling out of the blue,” Daehwi started joining her on the bench. His eyes swept over the playground. Smiling pridefully when he spotted his son.

“He talked about you,” Namjoo told. “I think he’s starting to be ok now.”

“That’s good. I’m looking forward to spending time with you two soon,” Daehwi exclaimed. “I’m trying to change my field of work, so I can stay in town.”

That was good news. Having Daehwi closer. Pressing her lips together she fiddled with a loose thread on her jeans.

“What?” he asked surprised. “You’re not going to say anything about it?”

Namjoo blinked once and felt her heart hurt a little more. In the next moment her eyes landed on Daehwi. Thinking all she’d ever had was this man. Truly, she only had him. She felt a mix of sadness, gratefulness. That Daehwi had turned around. That he had come back to be in her life, because if he wasn’t here, if he hadn’t come how alone she’d be.

She truly only had him.

“I’m having a hard time,” Namjoo confided.

His expression softened. “What’s wrong?”

Namjoo thought about last night. The way Sehun broke. The way he broke her, too. How it hurt much more when he called her someone else.

“Namjoo.” Daehwi touched her hand. It was warm. Like she remembered. Like she always knew it was.

Namjoo glanced down at the hand that once enveloped hers. That had touched her tenderly. That she had taken and thought she’d never let go when she left home with him.

“Namjoo!” A voice interrupted.

They turned to see Sehun hurrying toward them. The strain of concern in his face tortured her heart. Averting her gaze as the memory of his suffering image entered her head. The misery crushed her a dozen times over.

Daehwi withdrew his hand leaving her with a sense of hopelessness. “You should go.”

She looked up into his face. Into his encouraging eyes.

“Will you be ok with Moowon?” Namjoo worried.

Daehwi nodded with a smile. “I’ll have to be.”

Pressing her lips together Namjoo forced herself up. She knew why Sehun had come, but she wished he could have given it some time. It just felt like he was rubbing last night in her face. If he waited a day before visiting, she could at least pretend like nothing happened.

Namjoo rubbed her fingers together as she led them up to her house. Opening the door slowly. Taking off her shoes slowly.

She was nervous.

There was one thing on her mind. Only one thing.

She needed to let him go.

“Do you want something to drink?” Forcing herself to look at him she held his eyes. Remorse fluctuated through his eyes.

It wasn’t what she wanted to see.

Turning away Namjoo entered her kitchen and pulled two glasses down from the cupboard. Opening the fridge, she pulled out a jug of water and filled the glasses. So focused she only heard him hurriedly shuffling toward her before he back hugged her, pressing his forehead into her nape.

Her heart became sore. With all these feelings. The love she had for him. The sadness for him. The knife that kept pushing in further, because she wasn’t the one.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized.

Namjoo wanted to cry, but she couldn’t find the strength in her to.

Why cry? When he hurt more than her?

For every day when he wished Yanghwa back to life. For every day when he woke up disappointed she hadn’t reappeared at his bedside. For every night he thought about the day he lost her. Wishing he could have done something more.

When he looked at her picture before sleeping these were probably what he thought. That he missed her. That he could only keep going if she was here. Nothing was the same. The light was gone. The joy an empty pit. Yanghwa, his meaning of life, would never come back.

Releasing her grip on the jug of water, Namjoo touched his hand. Gently removing it from around her waist. Turning to look up into his face. Fighting not to be sad. Not to show him how heartbroken she was for him. She didn’t want to let him know that she loved him.

“Sehun,” she struggled to keep her emotions at bay, “I think we should break up.”

His lips quivered. Then his lips stretched in disbelief into a failing smile. “What?”

“I think it’s best for us to get our own air,” Namjoo continued. “We shouldn’t have rushed into dating.”

Panic in his eyes. Namjoo thought she saw some tears. Sehun shook his head. “We didn’t rush. We didn’t just happen on a whim. Don’t leave me, Namjoo.” His lips quivered again moving her heart. “Please.”

Namjoo blinked. Weak. Her strong will nowhere to be found.

Pulling her into his arms he buried his face into her neck. Pleading, “Don’t go, Namjoo. Don’t leave me.”

Namjoo didn’t know what to do. Unable to hurt him. Abandon him like his wife had left him. She didn’t want to be the other scar.

The doorbell buzzed. Then her phone rang disrupting the moment. Shrugging him off Namjoo pulled her phone out of her pocket. Daehwi was calling.

“You done up there?” Daehwi asked. “Moowon wants his mom.”

“I’ll open the door.” Hanging up Namjoo pressed the lock for them. Her eyes flittered toward Sehun’s shoes beside her tennis shoes. Wondering what kinds of shoes Yanghwa wore.

The door clicked open and Moowon hurried in. “Mommy!” bringing a smile to her face. For a split second she felt healed.

Bending down to hug him, “You’re back?”

“Why you leave me?” he innocently asked.

“I didn’t go anywhere far,” she cupped his face. Giving him a peck, she patted his bottom. “Go on and sit down. I’ll be with you in a moment.”

Glancing past him she straightened to look at Daehwi. “He ok?”

“Didn’t throw a fit,” Daehwi smiled. “We’re getting there.” Then his gaze shifted to see Sehun watching them.

Appearing uncomfortable, he excused, “I have to pick Gunta up.” Looking at her, “I’ll be back later.”

She didn’t say anything. Didn’t give him a goodbye, because was it necessary?

Then the door closed and her expression wilted.

“You fight?” Daehwi questioned. “His face looks like a boy who just lost.”

“No,” Namjoo quietly said. Turning to walk into the kitchen, “I said we should break up.”

Interested, Daehwi followed her. “Is that what’s bothering you?”

Namjoo stared at the half-filled glass of water. Feeling her heart break again. “I love him, Daehwi.”

“Then what’s the problem?” Daehwi wondered. “Never mind. I don’t think I want to meddle in your love life.”

“But,” Namjoo’s voice quieted, “I don’t think he’s ready.”

◊◊◊◊◊

Pulling up to the house Sehun parked but didn’t leave his car. His mind was a mix of things. Regret. For the things he’d said last night. For letting the dark things inside him come out. He hadn’t meant to say those things to Namjoo. He hadn’t wanted her to know of the things inside him.

He wanted her to see him as a man who could be with her. Someone she could trust.

But today she had said those words to him.

And it hurt more than he had expected.

He was lost without her. If not Namjoo, who did he have? Who could he have? Who would want to be there for him because they wanted to?

Sehun need her.

The curtain by the front window moved and then the door opened. A tall figure appeared. Another little figure popped up by his legs before scurrying out.

Flummoxed, Sehun opened the door and stepped out. Opening his arms as Gunta ran toward him. “Daddy! Miss you.”

“I missed you, too,” Sehun kissed his cheek as he lifted him up.

“What were you doing so long?” his father wondered.

“Just…work,” Sehun lied. His eyes strayed. Landing on his father next. Pondering for a moment if his father would be able to understand him. His feelings. His conflicts.

Then on the other hand, his mother did the most thinking in their marriage. If he said anything about Namjoo or being in a relationship his father would tell his mother. He didn’t need the elders probing into his life, adding more fuel to the dying fire.

“Thanks for watching Gunta,” Sehun said. Opening the back door, he put Gunta into his safety seat and buckled him in. Debating what he would do now.

Afraid that the longer he stayed from Namjoo the more determined she would become to leaving him. He didn’t want to be left alone.

Hadn’t they been very happy? Did she not feel for him the same?

“Daddy? We no go?” Gunta asked.

“Oh…” Attention coming back Sehun started the engine. “Lets go home.”

He took a shower as Gunta watched the television. Then he paced his house restlessly. Thinking, thinking, thinking. Fear engulfed him. He was ever sorry to Namjoo, but he couldn’t let her go. He couldn’t imagine losing her and being by himself again.

“Gunta,” he turned to his son, “do you want to go?”

Sehun packed on impulse, put Gunta in his car, and he drove to Namjoo’s. Stood on her doorstep minutes later deeply breathing. One hand holding Gunta’s and the other clutching onto his duffel bag.

When the door clicked open, he immediately spoke. “Let us spend the night.”

Namjoo’s eyes were empty. Void of much emotion. He wondered if he was the fault of it.

She looked to him then Gunta who gave her his most adorable smile. “Aunty.” which Sehun hoped touched her heart.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Namjoo rejected.

A pang made his heart ache. “Tonight. Just tonight.” Begging, “Please.”

He didn’t want to be apart from her. If he wasn’t here Namjoo would change her mind. She would let go of his hand. He’d lose her forever.

Remaining where he was stubbornly, he tightened his grip on the duffel bag. Refusing to move if she wouldn’t let him in.

“Aunty, I come?” Gunta cutely asked.

“Mommy?” Moowon called from behind. A part of him jumped for victory. The kids would want to see each other. Gunta and Moowon. Their blessing. What had brought them together at the beginning. If the kids were still friends, he could still have Namjoo.

*** ;; He ruined it, he ruined it ;; Now Namjoo's forced to carry his heart

***Thanks Sefiana Tingginehe for joining my crowfund!