“Ok, buddy, this is where we have to say bye-bye.” Sehun gripped his son’s tiny shoulder, wishing with all his heart that he didn’t have to resort to this. There was no choice. With his busy work schedule and the nanny next door unable to help anymore his son had to start going to daycare.

A jittery pulse traveled through his veins. He was nervous. Having never left his three-year-old with strangers before, but if this was a good opportunity for him to socialize and make friends, then Sehun would hope it was for the better. Beyond the front doors he could make out the shrilly noises of children being dropped off for the day already at play.

It would be all right he chanted mentally. He’d called, looked up reviews of this Sunny Daycare. It sounded trustworthy from what he’d read. No accidents or reports about child deaths. Plus, the owner had been in this business for a decade. That was a good number.

Eyes bearing wonder stared right back at him. Opposite his father, Oh Gunta didn’t seem one bit nervous. Clutching a stuffed white bunny against his small body he nodded. “Daddy leave?”

“In the afternoon,” Sehun promised. They had talked about this over the weekend. Sehun being uncertain whether Gunta really understood what would be happening from now on.

“Ok,” though he looked dispirited.

Sehun ruffled his soft black hair. Soaking in the thought that this was his child. His child. The child he had struggled for. Gunta was reality in front of him. All Sehun lived for. All he cared about.

His son was all he had left.

After all the hurdles he’d jumped Sehun promised to become a better father, a better man. He would always put family first. Work and money could come later. His parents’ nagging; the decisions they believed to be the best would never overweigh his son’s happiness.

“Give me a hug?” Sehun asked. His small child didn’t take the step forward but opened his tiny arms. Enveloping his strong arms around his son Sehun squeezed him and kissed his cheek with another promise not to be late. Then he stood.

“We’ll look out for him.” A woman in her forties came over to take Gunta’s hand. “If there’s anything, I’ll call. I promise he’ll have a good time.”

Something about an outsider holding his son’s hand made his heart ache. Sehun felt like he had failed his son somehow. By leaving him in the care of another person. Not his mother. Not his family.

Would his son be ok?

“He’s never been away from me before. He can get picky with food. Maybe nervous or anxious around new kids. He’s never shared toys before. This is his first time with people he doesn’t know. I can’t tell whether he can get difficult if I’m not there.” Sehun realized he was blabbering. Of course he’d said this before. Noticing the patient smile on the woman’s face made him flush. “Sorry. I’m not quite used to this.”

“There’s always a first,” the woman comforted. “What time will you be picking him up?”

“I’ll come at four,” Sehun said then made himself walk into the parking lot.

This was harder than he’d imagined. He really didn’t want to leave his son behind. Tilting his head back to get a full view of the Sunny Daycare sign he struggled to ease his heart.

◊◊◊◊◊

Groaning under her breath, Kim Namjoo glanced at herself in the car mirror once before slapping it close. Her makeup was half done. One eyebrow was there, the other missing. Her hair wasn’t yet dried from her morning shower. Thanks to her no-nonsense ex, she’d slept late and woken up even later.

“Mommy?” Moowon’s tiny voice called from the back. Her four-year-old son from a previous marriage from her immature times. When love and lust was all she saw in the world. If Namjoo could wake up her old self, she promised to travel a dozen times into the past to douse herself in oil and on fire.

“Yes, honey?”

“Are you mad at daddy?” Moowon innocently asked. “When is he coming home?”

Searching through the mess in her purse Namjoo finally managed to pull out a wet wipe and began scrubbing her done eyebrow regrettably. It was better to be bare face rather than like she’d walked out of some hospital crazily. Not to mention it was far too late to return home to finish her makeup. She couldn’t afford another day of being late to her job.

“I’ll call him again, ok?” Namjoo promised already knowing Han Daewhi would not pick up. It was one of the only terms in their divorce that he spend at least some time once a month with his son. Was that so hard to ask for?! Though she was hardly surprised he hadn’t been keeping his word. The despicable ex already owed her over two-grand in child support. Yet not once cent had been deposited into her account. Namjoo was more than ready to strangle him when she saw him.

Thinking more and more about it made her blood boil. Frustrated she threw down the wet wipe and unlocked the door.

“We’re late, come on,” she said opening the back door and unbuckling Moowon from his safety chair. It still surprised her how light he felt in her arms. As soon as his feet landed on concrete she skillfully closed the door with her elbow, turned, and took his hand as they strode across the parking lot.

Moowon should be bigger she chided herself. Her eyes ran over the other four-year-olds playing in the fenced playground. Most of them taller than her son and filling out their clothes. Majority of them healthy and bumbling with energy while Moowon stood at the size of the girls. Though there were no signs or reports of her son being ostracized she always wondered, did he notice that he was smaller?

“Look who’s here?” Mrs. Lee, the eldest caretaker, greeted them at the front door. “Hi, Moowon!”

“Good morning,” her son obediently returned the greeting then glanced back up at her for assurance.

“I’ll come pick you up later,” Namjoo promised giving him a quick peck. “Go on and play.”

“He’s such a good boy,” Mrs. Lee commented. “He’s really quick to make friends.”

“Isn’t he?” Namjoo quietly said watching Moowon’s head as he trod through the path of his daycare friends. “So, what’s the plan today?”

“Oh, we’ll be learning colors,” Mrs. Lee explained. “We have a new child with us today, so we’re planning a group activity for the kids.”

“I thought you weren’t accepting applications until next season.”

“Well, this was a special admittance.”

◊◊◊◊◊

“Am I late?” Sehun asked walking into a brightly lit office. Sliding his canvas bag off he set it on the large glass table quickly joining his colleague. A mini-model of a recreational park was currently in process.

“We’re still figuring out how best to maneuver the playground,” Joonseok explained. Still rubbing his chin, he glanced at Sehun, “How was the daycare? Is it to your liking?”

“Can’t say anything yet,” Sehun muttered eyeing the project then his phone sitting beside his laptop bag.

“My sister’s kids love it there,” Joonseok told. “Told you she could get you in. Don’t worry, I’m super certain Gunta will have fun there.”

“I never understood it. How does a parent go from raising a child to handing him off to a stranger to look after?”

“Isn’t that what you’re doing?” Joonseok raised an eyebrow.

“I’m asking,” Sehun glared.

“I’m not a father…yet,” Joonseok murmured. “You're over-worrying. Your kid will still be in one piece by the time you go pick him up. What are you panicking over? It’s not like he’ll return to you a different child.”

◊◊◊◊◊

“No!” Gunta toddled beside him like he always did, only he refused to let Sehun hold his hand. “I big boy!”

“Gunta!” he scolded on the lookout for any incoming cars. He’d left work early expecting to be greeted by a flying toddler.

That wasn’t quite the case.

The moment he had walked up to the doors of the daycare his son was nowhere to be seen, so he’d hunted the grounds and found him playing with Lego pieces. He called twice before gaining his son’s undivided attention. The boy had walked up to him without asking to be carried, without giving him a hug.

“Hold my hand,” Sehun his hand out. They made it halfway through the parking lot without any beeping cars.

Keeping his hands tight by his sides Gunta refused. Sehun heaved a deep sigh.

“What’s gotten into you?” Sehun made another effort to grab his son’s hand, but Gunta swiftly evaded and made a dash forward.

His heart nearly leapt out of his chest as he scurried after his son, swooping him up into his arms just as a vehicle turned into the driveway. Gunta shrieked a blood curling cry and struggled to free himself, batting at Sehun’s arms with small fists. Panting more out of fear than anger, Sehun held on tight to his little boy. Continuing to march forward regardless how loud Gunta cried. Sehun heard the blood rushing up into his brain, his heart pounding a thump harder than the last second.

Pressing the remote to unlock his car he opened the back door and forced Gunta into his booster seat. Quickly buckling him in Sehun shoved the door close and drove home with his hands shaking.

Between him and Yanghwa Gunta had his mother’s patience. On other occasions it felt like Gunta inherited his mother’s temper. Better it be her than his. At least without her around she still existed in their son. That was a kind of comfort for his heart.

The sight of his son passed out from crying made his heart sore. He couldn’t stand being angry at the little thing created from their love. Gunta was precious. Gunta should be cherished. He was the little star in Sehun’s darkening sky.

Gently unbuckling his son, Sehun lifted him from his seat. Cradling him carefully, softly closing the car door, and heading into the building. Pressing number six for his floor. Gunta’s baby cheeks were still tear stained. His head rested securely on his father’s broad shoulder. In an hour he would be up and asking for food. To apologize for being upset, Sehun decided a popsicle would amend their relationship.

Even in anger sweets always turned his wife’s anger around and he’d be on her good side again. The thought brought a sad smile to his face.

Arriving at his flat, Sehun first started toward Gunta’s bedroom. Accessorized with a twin bed so that when he grew taller he could still use it. Right now, all it had was a dresser full of clothes and a toy chest overflowing with too many toys for one boy alone. Just as his wife taught him, Sehun cradled Gunta’s head gently before laying him down or else he’d wake up with a bombshell of cries. His small, cute lips were parted. A slick line of drool had already made its way down his chin. Sehun wiped it with his hand then adjusted the Spiderman blanket over his son.  

At this age, Gunta was just starting to learn to express more of his emotions. Be angry at dad. Cry because of dad. Smile and share laughter. If he stayed this small forever Sehun would never regret anything.

Tenderly smiling, Sehun patted his son’s chest softly before getting up to plug in the nightlight. Then turning the lights off and leaving the door a crack open he went into the kitchen to start on dinner.

Noodles for him. Porridge for his son. Gunta could have some of his noodles if his appetite was big. Completed with dinner, Sehun pulled a chair out at the kitchen table to take a few minutes to himself. He felt like he lived a modest life. A two-bedroom apartment furnished very simply with a sofa, a bookshelf, and a television – all utilities included. It was affordable and within his budget. He still had his job, miraculously, even after a long month leave of absence.

The funeral and moving…

Massaging his forehead his mind absently tried picturing his old home. Green walls, yellow pastel kitchen adorned with pots and pans of his wife’s picks. Painting the nursery together when they knew the baby was coming. Laughing and crying together, hugging underneath the twinkling living room lights. Thinking they would have forever together. It was the home where his family started as three. The sheer happiness no one thought God would close a door on.

There were no green walls here. No yellow pastel kitchen. The nursery belonged to someone else. Maybe it had become a different room serving a different purpose. This place was different. He sighed knowing he’d done it again. Comparing now to then.

Time didn’t heal pain. Moving on didn’t just happen.

Sehun was still confined in the gray lines between happiness and sadness. Letting go and accepting.

His head popped up when the door creaked open and Gunta stepped out rubbing his eyes. Trying to fight sleep off. His short, choppy legs staggered forward. “Dadthy?” he called out.

“Daddy’s here.” Getting to his feet he hurried toward his son, lifting him up. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yea…” he murmured burying his face into his father’s shoulder and wrapped his teeny arms around him.

Sitting back down on the chair Sehun soothingly rubbed his back. Waiting patiently for him to fully wake.

He lived for moments like these.

Regardless how upset Gunta could get with him his son needed him. Love always came a step after.

When he held Yanghwa’s hand for the last time in the hospital she had said, “I’m sorry.” For abandoning him. For leaving their son. For not completing their love story.

So when Sehun cremated his wife’s body he took one good look at Gunta’s wide innocent eyes. A son who had yet to know his mother would no longer be there for him. A son who could not grasp the concept of death yet. He wouldn’t say “I’m sorry” for leaving, for dying, for abandoning you. Instead, he would say “I love you” “I love you” “I love you.”

Love was not something to be sorry for.

Cradling Gunta’s tiny body firmly Sehun listened to his breathing even out. Until his son fell back asleep.

◊◊◊◊◊

“We go again?” Gunta asked gazing out the window.

“Yes, you’re going to the daycare again,” Sehun replied, eyes strictly on the road. He could not see but he could hear Gunta doing what sounded like a happy giggle, which brought a smile to his face. Gunta always continued to amaze him with his growing personality.

Pulling into the parking lot, Sehun turned the engine off. Gunta was slowly starting to grow ecstatic by the time Sehun lifted him out of his booster seat.

“Daddy! I show you! Show you!” Tuning into his hyper side Gunta yanked his hand, urging him toward the daycare. “Daddy!”

“Ok, hold on,” Sehun murmured pulling his car remote out to press the lock button. It beeped when they were halfway across the parking lot before he fully allowed his tiny son to lead the way.

“My flend! Daddy! I made flend!” Gunta exclaimed. Reaching the front entrance, they paused as Gunta searched his new environment. Keeping a close watch, Sehun watched him run back and forth into the building then back toward him.

“Ok, buddy. Are you ready to go now?” Sehun asked.

“No! My flend!” Gunta shook his head.

The elder woman who had spoken to him yesterday glanced in their direction warmly. “I think he’s made a new friend and he wants to wait for him.”

“You made a new friend,” Sehun spoke to Gunta who beamed up at him. Glancing at the woman he said, “I see he has no problem socializing.”

The woman continued smiling before Gunta released his hand and jumped forward nearly scaring the soul out of his body.

“Flend! Daddy, flend!” Gunta continued shrieking running up to his new playmate, a boy just about his size. Sehun ran his eyes over the small boy whose eyes bugged out as he stared back. Then to his mother who stared just the same.

Then his memory immediately spun back to three years ago…