Gift for Subhasagi

Gift from ??????

Title of the gift : HOW I MET YOU

Pairing : MARK X OC

How many words : 2288 words

Warnings : none

Note to my giftee : the first time I write angst, so I really hope you like it.

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How I Met You

November 2010, I remember the first day I saw her. I still think of that day now and then. She never did stand out, I guess that’s why I had my eyes on her since the very beginning of school year. Jeans, a plaid shirt, and those classic Harry Potter glasses. Cute.

I watched her perform in our school’s Thanksgiving Day parade. She was playing the flute. Second row from the very back. One thing I love about is when she stopped playing, and it wasn’t her part, she was smiling. I guess you can say it’s love at first sight.

That’s what I thought.

“Yo Mark!”

I guess my friends caught me watching her again.

We live in the U.S, and most people understand how the popular ones here are those typical ones. Well, I’m an Asian, and my name is Mark Tuan. I’ve been living my happy life for 18 years so far. After being home-schooled, I asked my parents if I could actually go to a real school. After a few debates, they finally agree. But just high school and that’s it.

“I see you looking at her again.”

“Stop it Jackson, I was just wondering around.”

My favourite time in school is actually the cafeteria. It’s where I can see her. In her casual uniform. Eating with her friend. Although I guess that’s the only friend she has? They keep going everywhere together. The more I observe her, the more I get to realize her special features. Okay, this might sound like I’m a stalker, but things are different when you fall in love right?

December 2010, I get to finally talk to her. The marching band club were sharing candy canes to everyone to see their show and she was one of the people who gave it to me.

“Thanks.” Then I smiled. That’s all you can say? Nice going Mark.

January 2011, I’m failing my Math class. It’s a rough week in school and I had to keep studying, even when my head keeps hurting. Every day since then I had to go to the library and find the stupid X that math told me to do. But have you ever heard of a blessed in disguise? She was there, standing there, learning the same thing as I am. She was a tutor that Mr. Park, the math teacher, told me about.

She was quiet. I guess that was the start of when people just knew each other.

“You must really like math.”

“No, not really, I just study a lot.”

“Proof you like math tho.”

I smiled. I have never felt like this before. It’s like I can never relate to someone better than her. We were talking about just math, and then suddenly we talked about starwars, and superheroes. I suddenly knew how beautiful a star is. She was the star that lights up my world

February 2011, I received many chocolates from a lot of girls. Yes, they were sweet, expensive and I do like chocolate, so I’m good. But she didn’t give me any. So all the rules of the girls should give the guys a chocolate. I’m giving her one.

“Not giving anyone chocolate this year?”

“Not really into romance.”

“Do you like ice cream?”

I have no idea why I said that, but I really took her for some ice cream. Our first date. She got chocolate all around , I had to wipe them with a napkin.

“Do you believe in love at first sight?” she suddenly shot me a question. And to be very honest I have no idea how to answer that. Should I just say yes? Because I did fall for her at first sight. “Nevermind, that was a stupid question.” She continued.

“It’s not. I do believe in them.”

That was the first time I stare deep into her eyes. It was brown, she’s gorgeous. And suddenly I just leaned in and gave her a peck.

Wrong decision. But it was worth it.

March 2011. I know shouldn’t do this, but we started dating. I know it’s a wrong thing to do but… can’t I be happy before my time comes? At least for once I know what it’s like to hold someone’s hand, to feel loved.

My illness is actually getting worse. Damn you, cancer. Why do they even exist in the first place? Everytime I went to the doctors, I had to question God’s existence. Was it my parents’ karma that I had a tumor that keeps on growing in my head? Was it my past life? The doctor said I need to start the chemotherapy. That means I have to start wearing a beanie to school. I hate to know the facts that my time is short.

“Hey.” I smiled at her. She might not see it coming, because it was just one of our regular tutoring sessions, but she’s mine, right? For now. So, I leaned in, and locked her between my hands in the library. I kissed her. “Do you love me?”

She was silent.

I thought I made the wrong decision, until she spoke. “You saw me when I was invisible. You treat me well and I have never learned to love myself more after I met you. Does that answer your question?” she smiled. God, that was the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. I just wanna capture it in my phone so that if one day I forgot, I can look at my phone and I will remember her again.

April 2011, I started to skip a lot of classes to meet my doctors. I still see her now and then. Just one problem, I can’t tell her about my tumor. No. I need to tell her but I just don’t know when.

“Where have you been?” She called me. She sounded sad, and angry.

“I had some appointment with-“ I can’t lie. “a friend of my dad’s.” Well it’s true tho, Doctor Kim was my dad’s friends. I’m also friends with his son, Kim Yugyeom.

“That’s it? You skipped class because of that? What was it that’s so important? Why are you keeping secrets from me?”

By the sound of her voice I knew something happened. It might be because of her marching band mates who kept trying to push her away from her team. It might be her failing English. Or it might be her trying to find her library card. Either one.

“I’m off the team. And you weren’t there.” She hung up.

A loud thump hits my chest. That was the first time that we fought. And I hated it. I want to go to her and hug her tight, but my hair is gone already and I have another appointment later tonight. I have no idea on how to tell her. Unless…

May 2011. I start forgetting things. The tumor is getting bigger and the doctors can just help me by slowing it down. I start to write more things in this journal. I started taking pictures and kept it here. And I just had to write a big wide letter:

DON’T EVER FORGET HER.

I don’t want to. And I hope I won’t.

But before I break her heart even worse, I had to get things right. I had to break up with her. This wasn’t the right decision in the first place. To fall in love was a wrong decision. Everyday I asked God if I had done something wrong that I have to face this tumor.

That day,I had to go to school and take care of some resign papers from school, plus I had to talk to her.

“We need to talk.”

“I’m done talking with you. Everyone thinks you’re cheating on me, people spread this rumour that you left because I was a loser. You promised we’d watch a movie together but you never came, you promised you’d protect me, but you never came back to school! There’s not much to talk about, Mark.”

“I-I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you. But just hear me out.”

She was stomping away. But she said something on her way. “Let’s break up.” And then she left. And that was it. That was the end.

I tried wiping my tears the whole night in the hospital. What’s the point of people calling you handsome when you’re gonna die soon anyway.

June 2011. One month without her, and I even start to forget a bunch of people. What was the name of that kid who gave me apples again?

I had to flip through my previous journals to remember his name.

Ah! Kim Yugyeom! Right, Doctor Kim’s son.

I wonder what she’s doing now tho. Did she find a new guy already? Is she smiling? Did she somehow decided to try auditioning for that Korean company and be an idol there? She’d be really awesome as an idol tho, I’d be her number one fan.

I actually thought of her. I promised her we’d spent Christmas this year together. But we didn’t make it. And I will never know if I make it or not until December. So I decided to go for a little walk with Yugyeom and my school mate Jackson to find her a perfect gift.

And that’s when I realize, I can’t feel my legs anymore. I couldn’t walk.

July 2011. I couldn’t remember my friends, all I can remember is my parents, my siblings, and her. Each day I can only imagine where she is, what she’s doing, and I can’t even contact her. I started to cough and they took me to the emergency room.

They said my phone rang.

They told me a girl called.

They told me they told her that I was sick.

Confused? Don’t be. That just means that she now knows why I was absent

“Why didn’t you tell me about this? I would have understood!” she was wearing her performance costume, and was about to tell me she passed the auditions.

“I was going to tell you but we broke up.” I can’t hide my smile, it just makes me happy that I can still see her one more time before I die alone.

“Stop smiling.” She was crying again. I have no idea of how many times she cried because of me. And suddenly she hugged me and kissed me. “I love you and I’ll stay until the end.” She cried on my chest and I just hugged her.

“Don’t suffer yourself.”

“Not seeing you is more suffering than seeing you sick.”

August 2011. Uh- I forgot what I want to write. My hands are trembling. I don’t even think I can make it to my birthday.

So I wrote a letter while I can.

September 2011. It’s hard to even talk. But hey! I made it until my birthday! She gave me a new beanie, a one of a kind that she knit for me. Can you believe that it’s pink? But it’s from her so I use it. I can only stay still and smile when she hugs me. I can only kiss her cheeks. I can’t do much.

October 2011. I went to the emergency room a couple of times already. This might be the end of my journal. She cried. I saw her tears.

November 2011. Blank.

December 2011.

Hey Mark, it’s me. You don’t mind me writing in your journal, right? I mean, you told your parents to give this to me, so maybe you can silently read this in heaven?

There was a lot of things that I never did told you before. I cried a lot. I am a crybaby. But it wasn’t because of you, it was because of other bad and toxic people in my life, and you are never one of them. You were an angel.

Remember that time when we studied together until midnight in the library? You said I’m a star, but in this case, you are the star that shines up the darkness in my life.

I know. Cliché.

But it’s true. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

She stopped writing when she flipped the page.

hey,

if you’re reading this that means I’m already a dead. Unless you secretly found my journal and took this. And that’s not fair!

She laughed

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my illness. I tried, but we weren’t in a good state back then. I wanted to tell you how much I love you and how much I want to protect you but I can’t.

those chics who throw you away from the club! Look at you now! I’m sure you’ll begin your training soon right? Don’t diet too much, you’ll be thin and I’ll secretly tell someone to make you eat those pancakes you love so much.

I have never told you of what I want to become when I die. So if luck is on my side, please look out of the window if you’re reading in your room, or look up to the sky if you’re reading this outside or in the park. Or just look at the sky. And I really hope you’re reading this at night so you can look up and see one bright star right there. It MARKs where I am. Haha. Get the pun?

I love you. And I will never forget you. And I want to see you smile. So smile now. And let me die in peace. Don’t cry, don’t let others bring you down. You are the strongest person I have ever met. And thank you for loving me till I die.

Sincerely, Mark Tuan.