Your Pov

 

 

The clock was something like 7 pm as we made our way up the road. We had first walked to the nearest bus stop from Hayi's apartment. Then we took the bus to wherever, and now we were walking. We'd been walking now for quite some time. I had been quiet almost the entire journey up here while thinking back to the start-up test I'd missed. I was still feeling bad about it.

While cussing myself inside of my mind, I felt a sudden touch on my left arm. I instantly snapped back to reality and turned to face Namjoon who was searching for my gaze. When our eyes met, I saw him narrowing his. I furrowed my brows as an answer to his silent communication.

 

 

"I said your name for three times already but you didn't response." Namjoon told so I turned to look away from him.

"Sorry." I said heartlessly and now took a proper look of my surroundings for the first time since we got out of the bus. "Whoa.." I gasped when I saw the view on my right.

"Hmph." I heard Namjoon's amused snort next to me but didn't focus on him now. My attention was fully on this gorgeous landscape which was filling my whole vision.

"It's beautiful." I managed to say, still focused on the view. I could see the city lights clearly since it was slowly getting darker. "I didn't even know this place existed. After saying those words, it hit me. I turned my gaze slowly back to Namjoon to see that he was now leaning his forearms to the stone fence in front of us. His face was expressionless as he stared at the scenery.

"..." Namjoon exhaled heavily but didn't say anything. I bit my lips together while thinking if I should open a conversation with him or just let him be for now. I studied his facial features from the side. Even his nose bridge was perfect for my opinion. What am I doing? I snapped back to reality and walked to the other side of him so he was now on my right side. I followed him and placed my forearms against the stone fence as well. 

"..." I still observed him but this time on the other side. I noticed how he was still slightly taller than me even though I was standing on the higher part of the incline. It felt like the time had stopped, just for us.

"Are you finally done?" Namjoon's sudden words startled me. I turned my gaze away in a flash. I knew what he meant.

"Ehm.." I opened my throat and glanced at him only to see him looking at me. He was leaning his hand to his head, looking extremely comfortable being there right now. "I just.." I mumbled.

"You just.. What?" He guided me but I decided to slither my way out of this.

"I was just waiting for you to start explaining.. Why are we here? Is this the place you wanted to show me?" I rushed the questions out so he wouldn't have the time to think of anything unnecessary. 

"Yeah." Namjoon just said but the answer didn't really satisfy me.

"Really? That's all?" I couldn't hide the amusement in my voice. For a surprise, he didn't answer. I furrowed my brows and tried to take a better look at him. Before I managed to ask anything else, he blurted out the question.

"Why didn't you come to the start-up test today?" His words were serious and his strong gaze was now locked on mine. For some incongruous reason, I couldn't look away from him even when I wanted to.

"..." I inhaled slowly and felt my legs starting to shake slightly.

"What was the reason you didn't show up? The real reason.." Namjoon kept his expression cold. I felt his words piercing through my thick skin as if he knew what to say to make me feel like this.

"W-why..?" I started, and now the wobbly feeling from my legs had reached my voice too apparently. "Why you w-were there?" I asked and felt anger increasing inside of me.

"I was there because I wanted to. I see you're getting annoyed.. Why Naye? Why are you feeling like that?" Namjoon's words had hit me differently. Why was I annoyed? No. Why was I getting mad at him asking those questions when I clearly knew the real reason I was getting annoyed?

"Stop." I hissed through gritted teeth.

"Are you going to keep on hiding? Missing every test just because you--" Namjoon told with these calm words that got my blood boiling even more. I didn't know if I wanted to scream, laugh or cry right now.

"What do you want from me?" I cut off his sentence and sounded way more desperate than I thought I would. Namjoon's expression didn't even flinch.

"The reason." He shot quietly.

"Because I was embarrassed!" I raised my voice to him. I saw a man with a dog walking past us. The man looked a bit startled and soon he quickened his pace past us. I turned back to Namjoon who narrowed his eyes. As if he knew I wasn't done yet.

"Why were you embarrassed?" He tilted his head.

"Well who wouldn't be? Standing in the middle of everyone not being able to sing a word. Losing the last remnants of confidence that I have.. I didn't want that." I told so quietly that Namjoon needed to lean a bit closer so he could hear.

"Then why were you annoyed just now? What made you feel like that?" Namjoon asked and his gentle words surprised me.

"Because you keep on doing that..! Why are you--?!" I cut myself off and bit my lips together for a moment. "I'm angry with myself for being such a loser and giving up and.." I was once again saying something I didn't want to say. It was now hard for me to look at him anymore. His gaze was constant and didn't let out any emotion. It was unfair.

"Why do you think you're being a loser?" At this point I was already anticipating this question so it didn't strike me as something very shocking.

...

"Because I'm afraid.. I'm afraid I can't sing anymore. I'm afraid.. That I'll become a disappointment to my mother if I.... I...." I turned around so I wouldn't need to face him anymore. I had told him too much already.

"Now I understand." I heard him saying behind me. It took me a while to calm myself back to basic readings after pushing myself so hard. When it felt like forever, I decided to break the silence in between us.

"Why aren't you asking..?" I turned back to him. He was once again looking at the Seoul city view. Slowly, he turned his gaze to me.

"Asking of what?" Namjoon smiled but the smile didn't look real.

"The reason.. Why I can't sing. You didn't ask about it before either.." I frowned. What was the whole point behind his words just now if he wasn't looking for the answer behind it at all? The answer must've been the accident, right?

"You just told me the reason." Namjoon stood up straight and turned to face me properly.

"Huh?" The frown became deeper.

"You're afraid. That is the reason you can't sing. What lead you to that point, isn't really important." He sounded a bit arrogant so I just shook my head slightly. "But if you want to tell me what happened, I'll listen." He added which made something move inside of me.

"But you don't think that is important.." I mumbled still a bit disappointed. Namjoon placed his hands inside of his pockets and shrugged.

"I don't.... But sometimes talking about it can help you to find the problem by yourself. That is the core of getting better." Namjoon told wisely. I felt my jaw dropping slightly.

"I think.." I started but then realized that I really wasn't ready just yet. "I think I'll need to take you somewhere with me when I'm ready to tell.. Is that okay?" I added a question to the end and saw Namjoon's expression softening a bit.

"Just hit me up when the day comes." He smiled.

 

 

The time passed so fast. I lost my sense of time when I was talking with him, even if it was just school and Hayi related things. I was happy that I agreed to come with him and I was even happier to see that it had really helped me with my earlier mood. When I really thought about the day, it had been pretty good as a whole.

When it had come dark outside, I checked the time from my phone which had been in my jeans' back pocket all this time. I turned to Namjoon with my mouth hanging wide open. I held my phone's screen to him so he could see the time.

 

 

"What?" He just asked so I pulled my phone back.

"It's almost 11 pm! What the heck just happened? I mean did something like four hours just pass without me knowing?" I acted shocked and pulled it a bit over the top.

"Yah.." Namjoon shook his head. "Just don't ever try acting." He pointed out.

"Woaaah.." I just shook my head to him. "Thank you for your kind words -- I wasn't going to!" I raised my voice to him jokingly. I heard him chuckling lightly which got me mesmerized again. I found myself smiling when I saw him happy.

"What?" Namjoon was once again back to basic readings.

"Just thinking.." I mumbled and turned to see the view again. The city was shining brightly because it was so dark outside. For a second it was just silence lingering in between us, until he broke it.

"When I opened my eyes one day... I wished I was dead." Namjoon told those words quietly like he was humming them out.

"..." I turned to look at him but he wasn't looking back at me. He was looking somewhere far towards the city. I could only see his side profile faintly as the streetlight was lighting us from behind.

"I wished someone would kill me so I didn't need to live in the noisy silence." He continued and his words got me stuck as if a lightning had hit me. I could barely breath while listening where this would go. "It's like.. I'm living to understand the world but.. Why hasn't this world tried to understand me? I feel wronged." Namjoon told and I bit my lips together.

"What do you mean?" I dared to ask.

"When I was younger, it felt like the world was trying to hurt me.. And after everything that has happened........." He stopped and I noticed how I was holding my breath while waiting for his continuation. "I wish I could finally choose me." He groaned painfully. I furrowed my brows and kept on observing him, even when he wasn't looking at me.

"It feels like the world is turning on you but you still want to try and choose yourself to worry.. To appreciate.. To love." I said quietly after his thinking. Choosing yourself. It can mean anything. 

"Hmph." Namjoon smiled after my statement but soon the smile was gone. I saw how he turned to look up to the dark sky. His expression was now filled with pain even if he hid it well. "Why can't I achieve anything when I'm so desperate like this? ...have I really lost all my ways?" Namjoon asked while facing the sky. I followed his lead and turned to see the twinkling stars in the sky.

"Why can't I achieve it when I'm this desperate?" I said after him but those words were meant for me, not as a general thinking. Apparently I had been thinking of the same things with Namjoon. The most surprising part in any of this was the fact that Namjoon was opening up. Even when I decided to wait for the moment, he decided to tell me these things now.

"I know how it feels.." Namjoon said so I lowered my gaze back down only to see Namjoon already looking at me.

"What feels?" I asked.

"When you're in the end of a tunnel and then there's no way out." He said and I remembered saying it to him at the campus some time ago.

"Hah.. I know how it feels too." I said and saw him narrowing his eyes slightly.

"What feels?" He copied me.

"When you feel like the world is tying to hurt you. When you really just want to choose yourself to worry for.. At least that it is for me. I always worry for someone else.. My mother for example." I turned to look away from him.

"Mm." Namjoon just hummed.

"Can I ask you for something?" I asked but my focus was on the city again. "You can say no."

"What do you want?" He sounded a bit amused.

"When I'm ready to tell you about the accident.. I hope you can tell me something about your past. Your experiences, achievements and even afflictions.." I told with a suggestive tone in my voice.

"Hmph.. We'll see." Namjoon said so I turned to face him properly again.

"You can say no." I tilted my head to him.

"We'll see." He repeated and turned around. We'll see?

"Are we leaving?" I walked to stand next to him. Now that we were standing side by side, I needed to look up to him.

"Hayi will murder me if I keep you away from home too long." Namjoon said as we started to walk the road down.

"I'm not a kid anymore?" I chuckled to him in amusement. "..and Hayi is only a year older than me, for your information."

"Sorry." He snorted but didn't sound sorry at all.

"Are you seeing me as a kid? Are you kidding me??" I shook my head and started to walk faster away from him.

"Yah.. Isn't that a way for kid to act when something doesn't go the way she wants?" He asked but I heard him smiling from his voice even if I couldn't see him.

"Woah." I stopped walking and waited for him to get to me. When I was about to continue, he didn't move. I turned to look at him over my left shoulder.

"Thank you, Naye." Namjoon started which made me frown slightly. "For listening. I feel better now that I got to say those words out loud." He continued and I smiled to him.

"Thank you for letting me be the one you said those words to.." I said quietly but he heard it since I saw him wrinkling his nose.

"Maybe you aren't that much of a kid.."Namjoon chuckled and looked a bit taken aback. I observed him for a while as we continued our way forwards. What did he mean by that? Did he really see me as a kid before or was it just for jokes? What did he see me now as?

"I told you so." I pointed at him.

"But I still can't believe you thought of me as Yoongi." He suddenly changed the topic.

"Yah.. It's been ages since that happened." I mumbled in annoyance.

"What? Not more than few hours." Namjoon faked a shocked expression.

"And you say I shouldn't try acting..!" I shook my head in amusement.

"Yah, I was only joking." He chuckled.

"Yeah right." I poked his right arm gently with my left shoulder. Namjoon nudged me back with his elbow. I want to choose myself. But just for a while..

 

 

I'd like to choose you too.

 

 

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A/N: Few of Namjoon's sentences in this chapter is from his song Always. You can listen it down here if you like!