chapter title from: don't you go by all time low

Seungcheol stares out to the Pacific Ocean, spreading out to the edges of the world. It’s as majestic as always, like the first time he saw it when he first stepped foot in America almost five years ago. Across that ocean lies home - thousands of miles away - and he’d never really thought about returning. He’s comfortable with the life he has now, despite being broke most of the time, and it would cost a fortune to fly back.

Still, he’s got thoughts of returning to his childhood home in Daegu; meeting up with his parents - he hasn’t seen them since he left for college. They would probably make him go down the normal route that most of his friends from high school would have taken - start a normal job that would give him financial stability. Pay off his student loans.  Have a family, get a dog, get fat, watch the kids grow up and have their own kids.

But here he is, sitting on his surfboard on the surface of the ocean, the golden Malibu shores behind him. A conventional life like that would’ve bored him - the reason he came to the States, looking for a challenge. Times like this, Seungcheol reflects on the choices he’d made in life, wondering if he’d done the right thing.

The waves calm him down; the hot sun beating down on his . He’d been out surfing for a couple of hours now, and he really should head inside soon, before he gets fried by the sun.

One more wave, he thinks, then he’ll be done. He’s been waiting on the water for a while now, his thoughts drifting off elsewhere, thinking about life. Now he’s thinking of Jihoon, his beautiful boyfriend Jihoon, who’s been unusually quiet since the night of Soonyoung and Wonwoo’s wedding.

Seungcheol thought Jihoon had been exhausted over what had happened that day - travelling all the way from Malibu to Sin City, and Soonyoung’s wedding was probably taking an emotional toll on him. They’d been hanging out near the Bellagio fountains, when Jihoon had gotten a call that made him displeased, judging from the little frown on his face. Seungcheol was about to check on him and ask what was wrong, when Soonyoung had loudly approached them with Wonwoo and the rest - Jun and Minghao, Thomas and Vernon and Chan - checking them into the Bellagio hotel penthouse for an early night, even though everyone else still wanted to explore The Strip, all lit up brighter than anywhere else in the world.

“You okay, Jihoonie?” Seungcheol asked much later, as they snuggled together on the plush carpeted floor, sharing a pillow and a blanket. Soonyoung and Wonwoo had claimed the only bedroom in the swanky penthouse, probably consummating their marriage or making a pillow fort; while the rest had snuck out, in search of their own late-night Las Vegas adventure.

In the lowlight, Jihoon simply looked at his boyfriend and kissed him, effectively stopping him from asking any more questions. They’d kissed until they ran out of breath; slumber welcoming them soon enough.

Attempt one: failed.

Seungcheol tried again, during the quiet drive back from Las Vegas to Malibu - Jihoon had been moody throughout breakfast, barely touching his food and barely reacting to Soonyoung being annoyingly hyper. He’d phrased his words carefully, hoping for Jihoon to share his worries.

But instead of answering Seungcheol’s question, Jihoon reached over, and started to palm Seungcheol’s crotch, arousing him as a distraction. That made Seungcheol forget about the topic at hand, at Jihoon’s ministrations as they sped along the freeway at fifty miles per hour. It became too much for Seungcheol to handle when Jihoon slipped his hand into his pants, so they’d stopped in the emergency lane for a while to finish each other off; and by then, Seungcheol had forgotten about Jihoon’s worries.

Goddammit Lee Jihoon.

Only when they pulled up to the Malibu beach house Jihoon shared with Soonyoung, the gaping emotional distance between them became apparent. Jihoon was deep in thought, his lips pulled into a permanent little pout over whatever was worrying him. Seungcheol decided to let it go for now, and give Jihoon some space. Maybe he’ll open up to Seungcheol on his volition soon, then they’ll work it out somehow. Isn’t that what boyfriends are for - facing hardships together, not just for unsolicited s on the freeway?

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Seungcheol said, hoping for an invitation to stay overnight - maybe they could talk things out.

Jihoon gave him a bittersweet smile and kissed him before he slid out of the car without saying anything else.

“You know I’ll always be here for you, right?” Seungcheol’s words made Jihoon stop in his tracks.

Jihoon looked like he’s about to spill his heart out; and tell Seungcheol what’s been playing on his mind since last night. But he swallowed his words, keeping his pride. His eyes met Seungcheol’s concerned chocolate irises, and he almost broke down in the middle of the pavement.

“I love you, Cheol.”

“Love you too.” Seungcheol watched his boyfriend enter the house, wondering if he’s doing the right thing, leaving Jihoon alone with his thoughts.

That had been yesterday. 

At this moment, Seungcheol sits on his surfboard, letting the sun warm his face. He closes his eyes, listening to the sound of waves lapping against the shore as he bobs on the surface of the water; a wave passing underneath him.

What could be bothering Jihoon so much that he’d crawled back into his shell? Seungcheol had given him some space, and alone time, hoping that he’d be back to normal soon. Still, he feels anxious - he has absolutely no idea what’s troubling Jihoon so much, and now it’s troubling him too.

There’s no time to wait for one more wave. He’s got to get to Jihoon now, and make sure he’s okay. Seungcheol wants nothing but happiness for Jihoon; loving it when his eyes curving into little crescents when he smiles, the little dimple in his cheek deepening when he laughs joyfully. He wants to see Jihoon happy, so he vows that he’s going find out what’s wrong and help Jihoon fix his problems.

Seungcheol flops onto his belly and starts paddling back to shore. He drags his board across the sand towards Soonyoung and Jihoon’s rented house, still dripping wet from the ocean. Leaving his board on the sand, Seungcheol hurries up the steps of the back porch to find Soonyoung and Wonwoo cuddling on the hammock; Wonwoo fast asleep in Soonyoung’s arms. Ah, blissful married life…

“Is Jihoonie inside?” The surfer pauses halfway towards the door, glancing at the couple.

Soonyoung nods. His best friend had even refused breakfast that morning, concealing himself in his room. Something’s wrong, but he doesn’t know what it is… he suspects that it might have something to do with Seungcheol. Could they be going through a rough patch already?

“He’s in his room.” Soonyoung says, holding Wonwoo tighter. A silent beat passes, as Seungcheol stands in his spot, planning what he’s going to say to Jihoon.

“Cheol-hyung, don’t you dare break Hoonie’s heart.” Soonyoung actually looks menacing for about half a second as Seungcheol reaches for the door knob hesitantly.

“I won’t.” Seungcheol promises, to Soonyoung, to Jihoon and to himself. He’d never hurt Jihoon - all he wishes for is Jihoon’s happiness.

There are droplets of water pooling at the spot he’s standing in, but that’s not his concern right now. Seungcheol exhales deeply, bracing himself for what is about to come, and pulls the door open to let himself inside.

As the surfer heads indoors, Wonwoo stirs in Soonyoung’s arms. “Who were you talking to?”

“Cheol-hyung.” Soonyoung replies, resting his chin on Wonwoo’s head, sniffing his hair. “You didn’t wash your hair?”

“You know I’m a night showerer.”

Soonyoung snorts, and shifts his position, all the while keeping his arms around his husband. The hammock swings gently at the movement, lulling Wonwoo back into slumber; as a cool breeze whispers from the sea.

“You make a really great pillow, Soon.” Wonwoo yawns, pressing his cheek against Soonyoung’s torso.

Soonyoung nuzzles Wonwoo’s hair fondly. He’s eternally grateful for Wonwoo, his soulmate, his partner in crime, his everything - he’s glad that he’s found his happiness with the person he loves the most in the whole wide world. And that’s what he wishes for Jihoon, too, with Seungcheol.

"I hope Hoonie and Cheol-hyung are going to be okay." Soonyoung mutters. Of course, he'd been perceptive towards Jihoon's mood changes ever since they got back from Vegas, despite being glued to Wonwoo all the time.

"They'll work it out." Wonwoo says languidly. He’s sure of it - he’d sensed the sincerity in Seungcheol’s voice earlier. A man after his own heart deserves happiness with the one he loves, Wonwoo thinks. Besides, he doesn’t think it’s their place to pry into others’ relationships; hoping to drop the topic. Pressing his nose against Soonyoung's chest, Wonwoo inhales deeply, getting drunk off Soonyoung's scent. "Where are we going next?"

Wonwoo's sudden, vague question makes Soonyoung puzzled, and he pivots his head to look at his husband's expression; making the hammock sway precariously. "We cuddle in bed." Soonyoung replies, tightening his grip around Wonwoo.

"You love cuddling, don't you?” Wonwoo laughs heartily at Soonyoung's simple answer. He’d turned into a fan of cuddling (exclusively with his husband) and wouldn't mind cuddling with Soonyoung forever; but there's real life, knocking on their door - Wonwoo's got his career to think about.

The studio had called him up; they've signed onto a five-part superhero movie deal for the next few years, and Wonwoo's slated to head up the editing for the movies...which would mean months of staring at a screen, settling him back into the stressful, caffeine-induced life of a film editor. While it would provide him stability in terms of career and money - plus it would be a great addition to his resume - Wonwoo feels like he's drifting further away from his dream of being a cinematographer. Maybe his dream would remain a dream at this point…besides, what would his adventure-loving, jet setting husband do while he works all hours of the day? Soonyoung would be restless, waiting around for him to finish work - you can't take the travelling out of the Travelling Hamster, it'd be pointless. Wonwoo can't imagine Soonyoung settling down in one place for a long period, and he hates to think that he might shackle Soonyoung away from the thing he loves: travelling.

"What about a honeymoon in Hawaii, where we do nothing but cuddle and ." Soonyoung suggests in response to Wonwoo’s earlier question. He closes his eyes, thinking about the string of islands in the middle of the Pacific - he’d never explored it fully in his adventure around the world. Maybe they could go together one day, as a couple. Jihoon and Seungcheol could come too, if they fancied it - Seungcheol would get a kick out of the Hawaiian surf, one of the best in the world.

"Sounds nice." Wonwoo can't tell if Soonyoung is being serious, but the idea does sound nice.

"Or we could stay here in Malibu."

Wonwoo sits up, making the hammock swing, threatening to throw both them off. "You know you can't rent this house forever, right?"

"Then I'll buy it!" Soonyoung says confidently, smiling. "But it all depends on Hoonie, though. As long as he stays here, I'll be here too. And you’ll be here, too. And Cheol-hyung. And the rest of the gang, if they want to."

Wonwoo's silent. He doesn't really know Jihoon's story; only that he's on vacation; a ridiculously long one that Wonwoo himself envies - it must be nice to get away from work for that long. Of course, Soonyoung had told him about why Jihoon’s here, but he’d never asked Jihoon himself about it, thinking that it’s not proper to talk about such things; especially when he’s eager to escape what seems to be a stressful life back home.

“Hoonie is happier here. And with Cheol-hyung, he’s got the jackpot.” Soonyoung says.

Wonwoo nods against Soonyoung’s chest. Having never known Jihoon before he came to Malibu, Wonwoo can’t fully testify to that. Still, he likes Jihoon; he’s fun to hang out with - always looking out for an opportunity to roast Soonyoung. Wonwoo reckons that he’d be good friends with Jihoon given the chance; they seem similar personality-wise…

Soonyoung keeps quiet for a while, gently Wonwoo’s arm. The peaceful surroundings would normally make Wonwoo doze off, but he’s got a question for Soonyoung in his mind.

"If you were to pick somewhere to live, where would it be?"

Soonyoung hums in contemplation. "Anywhere would be fine, as long as you're there."

Wonwoo hums, deciding not to probe further. He’d rather settle into his current state of bliss and think about the future later as it comes. Still, Soonyoung’s answer had been amusing, and gives him substance to think about.

“You’re a charmer, Kwon Soonyoung.”

“I love you too, Won-won.”

Meanwhile, Seungcheol ascends the stairs, heading towards Jihoon’s bedroom. His heart is thumping loudly in his chest - for some reason, he’s nervous about seeing his own boyfriend, who’d given him nothing but radio silence for the past couple of days.

He stops right outside Jihoon’s door, suddenly feeling cold. It’s probably the nerves, but then he’d come directly from the ocean, without bothering to dry off.  

He can hear faint strums of a guitar from inside. Jihoon is probably wide awake, playing the expensive guitar that Joshua had given him. The music stops abruptly as Seungcheol knocks on the door - quick, sharp raps. 

“If it’s you, Soonie, no, I don’t want happy cereal.” Jihoon’s muffled voice drifts through the door.

“Jihoonie.” Seungcheol breathes, and twists the knob, opening the door, finding it unlocked. “It’s me.”

“Oh. Hi.” Jihoon’s sitting on the bed, surprised to see his boyfriend in the doorway, all shirtless and wet from the sea. He’d seen Seungcheol out on the waves earlier, looking like a dream. “How was the surf?”

“It was fine.” Seungcheol says. 

Jihoon puts his guitar aside and approaches Seungcheol. His fingers lightly brush against Seungcheol’s chest, whose breath hitches at the touch.

“I missed you.” Seungcheol whispers, pulling Jihoon into a bear hug.

Jihoon holds Seungcheol tighter, droplets of sea water dampening his shirt. He doesn’t mind it - all he cares that Seungcheol is right here. 

“Remember when you said that you wanted to try surfing again?” Seungcheol asks softly, sniffing Jihoon’s fading strawberry hair.

Jihoon swallows, even though his throat is dry. Learning how to surf would take weeks, if not months; especially with his beginner swimming skills. He’d proposed that idea thinking he’d spend more time Stateside, before receiving news about his job status.

That was what the phone call from Mingyu from Human Resources had been about. He’d used up all of his accumulated vacation days, spending almost a month away.

“I hope I’m not bothering you on your vacation… but I was just wondering when you’ll return?” Mingyu from Human Resources had said, as Jihoon stood in front of the Bellagio fountain with Seungcheol by his side.

Jihoon didn’t have a definitive answer for Mingyu from Human Resources back then; and until now, he’s still conflicted about what he should do.

He could take unpaid leave, but what’s the use of the company hiring someone who won’t even come to work? He’d probably be made redundant; replaced by fresh graduates hungry for work. Maybe he should just resign and be off with it, but a tiny, rational part of his brain convinces him that he still needs that job.

Two days, he’d separated himself from the world, cutting out even Seungcheol; trying to solve this predicament. 

“The boss of the Accounting department wants you back in the office soon.”

There’s about fifty accountants at the company, yet, they still want Jihoon back. Granted, he’d been the best in the department, handling accounts efficiently with a small margin of error. With his excellent work ethics, they’d given him the brunt of the workload, which ultimately resulted in his burnout, and now he’s living the dream to get away from it all.

The thought of going back to that stuffy office crunching numbers and staring at spreadsheets makes Jihoon nauseous. But that’s his expertise; he’d spent years in university working towards that accounting job in a mid-level firm in Seoul. His parents had been immensely proud of him for that.

He’d left music for that job; and now he has to leave Seungcheol and his American dream life for it, too.

Life is unfair, and Jihoon wants to blame someone; but there’s no one to blame but himself. He feels that it’s all his fault, for picking the wrong career path, for making so many mistakes. He shouldn’t have come here in the first place - what had he been thinking?

But if he didn’t come to California, he wouldn’t have met Seungcheol, and that would have been the biggest mistake of his life.

He hates why life has to play out this way - just when everything’s falling perfectly together, life has to backstab him, then laugh at his misery. 

He’s got to say it out loud, no matter how much the truth hurts. There’s no use dancing around the elephant in the room anymore - the heavy silence between them slowly eating away at their relationship, which has barely begun. He’d been drawing castles in the air all this while, thinking that he could spend forever with Seungcheol, but real life has caught up with him.

“I can’t stay here forever, Cheol.” Jihoon mumbles, and the moment he utters those words, he regrets it. The split-second disappointment in Seungcheol’s expression breaks his heart. He wishes that he could take it back, but he can’t - the truth is out there, and it is painful for both of them.

Seungcheol quickly composes himself, putting on a brave face; trying to digest Jihoon’s revelation. “Why?”

Jihoon clamps his eyes shut, scared to look at Seungcheol.

“Tell me, Jihoonie. If you don’t tell me, I won’t know.” Seungcheol prods gently, which makes Jihoon even sadder.

I don’t want you to know, Jihoon thinks. Surfer Seungcheol has no place in his white-collar accounting world, and Jihoon wants to disassociate him from his worries.

“They want me back at work.” Jihoon blurts out. The pressure of bottling his emotions finally break him, and everything spills out like water gushing out of a broken dam.

Starting from the phone call he’d gotten from Mingyu from Human Resources in Vegas; and the reason he’d come to America in the first place, up to the ridiculous solutions he’d thought of over the past couple of days - he tells Seungcheol everything; no more secrets. The surfer listens attentively throughout, never interrupting.

Seungcheol leans down to kiss Jihoon when he finishes, and leads him over to the bed so they can sit down.

“Does Soonyoung know?”

Jihoon shakes his head; he doesn’t want to imagine how his best friend would react to the news. Seungcheol’s taking it all in stride, appearing strong throughout, though Jihoon suspects that he’s hiding his own disappointment and sadness. Still, he feels lighter; the weight of his troubles lifted off his tired shoulders. “I should probably tell him.”

Seungcheol starts playing with Jihoon’s fingers. “When does the company need you back?”

Jihoon hesitates - answering that would give his days with Seungcheol a definite number. An expiry date. A deadline.

“Jihoonie?”

“Next week.” Jihoon replies, immediately burying his face into Seungcheol’s shoulder.

Seungcheol takes Jihoon into his arms, understanding the source of his sadness. Whatever Jihoon’s decision is, he’d respect it. The most likely route that Jihoon might take would tear them apart, but he’s got to have a realistic outlook, even though the thought of Jihoon leaving him is heartbreaking.

He’d slowly gotten to know the pink-haired man in his arms; falling for all of him, who he is. No-nonsense swimming fool Lee Jihoon had won his heart over, and in the best way.

, if Jihoon leaves…

“Stay with me?” Jihoon requests in a tiny voice, daring himself to look at his boyfriend. He doesn’t want to be alone with his toxic thoughts, and Seungcheol’s presence reassures him. 

“You don’t have to ask.” Seungcheol agrees with a kiss.

They stay in bed all day, enjoying each other’s company; cuddling and kissing and snoozing; trying to spend as much time together as possible, forgetting about the worries at hand.

Jihoon’s lost track of time; he doesn’t know how long he’s been lying around in bed with Seungcheol. He gazes at his sleeping boyfriend, marvelling at the way his long eyelashes fan out over his cheeks, the angle of his impressive jawline, and the endearing way he sleeps with his lips slightly parted.

They’d shared so many moments together, which Jihoon cherishes in his heart. One particular moment strikes him the most - that one night on the beach when they’d first kissed. Sitting on the sand, listening to the waves crashing against the shore in the distance. That was also when Seungcheol had told him about letting go of his dreams of acting…

Seungcheol, who’d moved to the States for college, settling into the simple surfer life, even though he’d been aspiring to become an actor. And the only time he gets a golden opportunity to enter Hollywood’s tough movie business, he gives it up to spend more time with Jihoon.

“I wanna stay here in Malibu. With you.” Seungcheol had said, that night on the beach.

Jihoon wants it too, to stay here in Malibu with Seungcheol. Yet his sense of responsibility is telling him to clean up the life he’d abruptly left back in Seoul. Why couldn’t Jihoon be like Seungcheol - take a leap of faith, and give up everything he knows for love? Start over in a new country, and do what his heart yearns: music. Seungcheol’s own cousin Vernon had offered to help him pave a way in the music business, that same night at Soonyoung’s party, though nothing’s set in stone. Opportunities presented themselves - Jihoon just had to take them and march on with his life. Just which path he’s going to take, he doesn’t know.

Why couldn’t things be simple, just the way he wants it? Jihoon’s reminded of his own song, and he starts singing softly, tracing circles over Seungcheol’s skin.

He’s so deep in thought that he doesn’t notice Seungcheol staring back at him, a tiny smile on his lips.

“I love it when you sing.”

Jihoon automatically blushes, hiding his face in the crook of Seungcheol’s neck.

“What were you thinking about?” Seungcheol Jihoon’s hair.

“You.” Jihoon replies truthfully, kissing Seungcheol’s mouth.

They only emerge from the bedroom by dinnertime, when Jihoon’s practically ravenous; meeting Soonyoung and Wonwoo in the living room. Soonyoung gives them a knowing look seeing them together, faking his coughs until Wonwoo nudges him to stop. The married couple are gearing up for dinner at a restaurant nearby, and Soonyoung loses no time inviting Jihoon and Seungcheol along for that double date he’d always talked about.

Of course Soonyoung has to make a big deal out of it, and makes Jihoon lend Seungcheol a shirt, because “even though he’s super fit, he can’t go around shirtless, Hoonie, as much as you and I like it.”

(Wonwoo pretends not to hear that little comment, scrolling on his phone instead.)

Jihoon complies, of course, and the shirt that he lends to Seungcheol is a perfect fit. He remembers the time he’d borrowed clothes from Seungcheol when they’d gone to Vegas. Those are still somewhere in his room, unwashed - laundry had been the last thing on his mind the past few days.

“Let’s go.” Wonwoo says, slipping his phone into his pocket when he notices that everyone is ready to leave.

“Thanks for making Hoonie feel better.” Soonyoung hugs Seungcheol before they leave. Seungcheol can only offer the vlogger a thin smile as he reaches out to hold Jihoon’s hand.

Soonyoung’s the most excited among the four of them, enthusing about the double date with his best friend he’d always dreamed of. Wonwoo smiles at everything he says, despite half of it being nonsensical ideas: “We should go bungee jumping or skydiving together next time! Or visit the Grand Canyon and take couple photos of each other, I think my followers would get a kick out of that.”

Dinner’s a fairly normal affair, and Seungcheol notices that Soonyoung’s camera is noticeably absent. He’s really living in the moment now, chattering along about his travel blog - travellinghamster.com - which he’d updated over the past few days, with Wonwoo’s help of course; the site now chock-full of his misadventures over the past few weeks, including his Malibu house party and the last-minute Elvis-ministered Las Vegas wedding.

“So. Hoonie. What’s new?” Soonyoung hands the spotlight over to his best friend. 

Jihoon glances at Seungcheol, his eyes searching for reassurance - he’s about to drop a bomb. It’s now or never; he can’t delay this anymore. 

Are you sure? Seungcheol’s eyes seem to say; and when Jihoon gives him a tiny nod, he grips Jihoon’s hand, interlocking their fingers - I’m here with you.

Jihoon exhales deeply and puts on a brave smile. “You won’t believe this, but…” He starts telling Soonyoung and Wonwoo about his situation, starting fro