As they step outside of the rental house, the sun caresses Taehyung’s skin with its warmth, and snaps him out of the jittery he's felt all morning.

Despite the balmy summer air, he has decided on an oversized long sleeve shirt. The threads by the edge of the sleeves are frayed, bringing him comfort as he fidgets with them in his palm. Taehyung loops his hand through Jeongguk’s arm and glances at him nervously.

“Ready?” Jeongguk’s voice is gentle, the firmness of his arm reassuring. Taehyung nods, and they start to walk down the street.

It's a pretty residential area west of downtown Ventura, with scarlet begonia branches draping over brick walls and the sound of crashing waves in the backdrop. Taehyung leans into Jeongguk as they stroll slowly, eyes darting around, not knowing what he's looking for.

The vacation was always his idea - with Jeongguk away more and more to New York, it seemed like a lovely thing to look forward to. Just the two of them, off to some idyllic corner in the world for a week, Jeongguk all to himself.

But as expected, Jeongguk couldn't make a week. But a weekend getaway was still doable, and when they sat around tossing out cities they could visit, he mentioned a name that gave Taehyung pause.

“Maybe Ventura? You could show me around?”

Taehyung was caught off guard and stunned into silence.

Ventura, the place he hasn't been back to since grandma passed away. And there's a reason why.

But he couldn't say no to Jeongguk. Somehow, the ideas seemed harmless when he brought it up, with tenderness gleaming in his eyes. It's only a few hours away, they will just walk around town, visit a few wineries closeby, and of course he will find a rental that can accommodate Chim Chim. They will all be together. Jeongguk even promised no work during the day.

It all seemed so easy, until last night when they finally made the drive from LA to here. It was already too dark to see much of the town, and once they got to the rental house, Taehyung kept himself busy with settling Chim Chim in, and opted for staying in with fast food takeout.

There was a looming nervousness within him. The air felt stagnant in the house, and he wished the darkness outside would last forever. Taehyung popped a few pills before sleep. It helped, the night was blissfully devoid of dreams, broken and fragmented bits of images that he always try to forget come morning time.

But morning did arrive, and here he is, clutching onto Jeongguk and walking into memories he's too afraid to unlock, unsure what he will face at every new turn.

“You ok?” Jeongguk gives his hand a quick squeeze, looking laid back in a soft black hoodie.

“Yeah. I'm good.” Taehyung responds, lower lip worrying between his teeth. “Everything seems kinda familiar, but nothing stands out yet.”

“We’ll head towards the marina. Just a short walk, maybe grab some food. If you don't like it, we can go back and hang out at the house.” Jeongguk smiles at him. The shining sun behind him casts a luminous glow on loose strands of his hair.

Taehyung nods, leaning his head into Jeongguk’s shoulder just a little, “been so long, I wonder if I'll remember anything at all.”

“The last time was when you were ten?”

“Yeah…” Taehyung agrees, “well the last year was blurry, just bits of memories of the hospital visits, and a neighbor staying with me at home, now that I think about it.”

Funny how memory works. Sometimes they are locked away for decades, until finally one day you reach for them, and try to piece together the broken fragments scattered about, making sense of things your younger self weren't able to comprehend.

Like the feeling of knowing something was terribly wrong as a child, but not having anyone to confide to, not having an adult to help you sort through all the unnamed emotions. Until one day, when you look up, everything's long gone - childhood home, the one that raised and loved you conditionally, that last thread that tethered you to the world. All long gone.

“Was it always just you and your grandma?” Jeongguk asks carefully, and Taehyung keeps his eyes on the road that stretches out in front of them.

“Yeah.” He inhales slowly, feeling something lodged in his heart, “grandma said mom died during childbirth, and my dad… well, everyone told me he was kinda crazy. Never stuck around.”

A self deprecating huff escapes his throat, “prolly where I got my crazy from. But strangely I was never that sad about them. Hard to be sad about people you have no recollection of. What really bugs me though-”

He feels Jeongguk’s hand by his hair, smoothing it out wordlessly. Taehyung continues, letting the thoughts he's never shared with anyone gush out, “-what I really hate, is how I can no longer remember what grandma looks like.”

He bites down on his lip hard, but keeps striding forward, as if the motion gives him the courage to continue talking, “I had a photo of her when I started at the first foster home in LA. Kept a shoebox for stuff - bits of paper, candy wrappers, just silly pretty things that remind me of people that I liked. But it was all gone after the first few years. Too many places, too many ups. Couldn't even keep it with me ‘til the end. Lost her alone the way…”

“Hey.” Jeongguk tugs on his hand, “it’s ok, you did the best you could.”

Taehyung twitches his lips around but does not respond. He takes a deep breath of the fresh air to steady the rapid thrumming of his heart. They keep walking, and finally he speaks again, “anyways, that’s my sap story that nobody needs to hear, moving on. Tell me something about you. Were you this uptight as a kid?”

Jeongguk laughs next to him, and Taehyung loves how his face softens and eyes crinkle, “I was told I was an easy kid, pretty quiet, nothing's changed.”

Taehyung nuzzles his hair on his shoulder, “I love how focused you always are, working, reading, doing whatever. You must’ve been such a cute little boy.”

“Maybe. Yoon always said I was too shy. He was pretty worried when we first met.”

“At Stevenson?” Taehyung watches as Jeongguk nods in response. “Yoongi is…well, Yoongi, but he does care about you so much. Protective.”

“Some years, he was the only one I saw on holidays, when all the other students went home.”

Jeongguk is quiet for a while, but then adds, voice muted, “he told me once that as a kid, he always wished for a brother. He's happy that in a way, his wish came true.”

His words tug at Taehyung’s heart. He leans in to brush his lips against Jeongguk’s cheek, and grasps onto his arm just a little tighter.

They walk through the residential area, until the road merges into a wide opening. A park appears in front of them, with playgrounds and green grass stretching onto the beach. The sea breeze is soothing and refreshing, mixed with the salty scent of the ocean. Above them, white seagulls echo each other’s squawks.

And that's when Taehyung feels it, that spark of recognition that makes him stumble. He remembers - the creaky swing, the plastic red slides that have faded from the sun, and the seesaw that he was to light for when he was small.

The bits of memories rushing onto his mind are so vivid, that Taehyung is baffled at how he could've forgotten.

He walks closer and reaches out to touch the metal chains of the swing, remembering the ferrous smell on his fingers without lifting them to his nose. The sun shines lazily upon them, casting everything in gilt, and there's a tiny buzz in his ears, as the past and present converge.

“You ok?” Jeongguk's voice feels like a distant echo that penetrates through the trance.

“I-” Taehyung struggles to find the words, his mind stuck half way between joy and trepidation. “-I remember…”

Memories are a luxury that Taehyung doesn't indulge in often. They weaken the heart and make you long for things that you have no right in claiming, like love and affection from people that have long disappeared from life. There's no past for people like him, who hold no illusion for the future.

But here he is, standing beside the tall imposing pine tree ravaged by the ocean breeze, listening to the phantom laughters of children on his mind. Taehyung screws his eyes shut and feels transported back to moments of the past.

“Happy memories, I hope?” Jeongguk speaks next to him cautiously.

A smile plays on Taehyung’s lips, “yes. Well I was never popular as a kid, but it was nice to have a home, to belong.”

That carefree feeling, of playing without any sense of time, until the sun had all but faded beyond the horizon and night paints the world black. Then it’s time to go home, to grandma’s simple cooking and warm hugs under the dim kitchen light.

The memories hit like the onslaught of foamy waves in the distance, making his breath hitch and heart hammer in his chest. Even in his darkest days, Taehyung refrained from reminiscing. It's too much to handle, to hurtful to think back to the best part of his life. It's never coming back.

Taehyung sighs when he feels the set of warm hands on his shoulders. He leans into the hand, drawing comfort from it. “Didn't think I'd ever be back to this town.”

“Sometimes a bit of the past is good, it grounds us, gives us something to go back to, when we are lost.” The voice beside him is contemplative.

Taehyung grabs his hands and wraps them around his waist, as he sinks into the back hug contently, “maybe, I'll take your words for it. What place anchors you, Guk? What memories make you happy?”

Jeongguk’s hands rest reassuringly on him, but he stays silent. Taehyung tilts around to look, but all he sees is ruffled hair and impassive eyes.

“I'm happy now.”

Taehyung sinks into the hug more, feeling the ocean breeze on his skin, “I hope so. You seem so tense lately. I know something's up at work, but it's ok if you don't want to talk about it.”

Silence. Taehyung half expects the hands to retract from his waist. But instead, he feels Jeongguk’s face burying into the crook of his neck from behind, breath hitting his ear, “everything’s ok, don't worry.”

Taehyung can feel the heat of his skin and his familiar smell enveloping him. He curls his lips into a stiff smile and turns around to face him. Taehyung traces every line on Jeongguk’s face, fingers curling around his neck languidly, before reaching in for a kiss.

It's light and chaste, Taehyung pauses when their lips brush, mind hazy with all the unspoken words. But he won't push him, he'd rather wait.

However long it takes you to open up, I'll wait for you. I'm not leaving this time.

His heart swells a little when he feels Jeongguk leaning into the kiss, pushing his tongue through parted lips possessively, drawing heat out of him. And his hand grips on the small of his back, locking him tightly into the embrace.

No escape.

Taehyung closes his eyes and surrenders, letting the kiss drown out the rest of the world.

A few moments later, they walk again, arms looped. They pass by the pier, lined with pretty restaurants spilling onto the sidewalk and quaint little shops. A few people are strolling in the area, and the ambience is relaxed. As Taehyung pauses to look at the display of one of the souvenir shops, the local radio station drifts through the speakers above him.

“Another sunny day in SoCal, rounding off the hour is one of the best recent hits by our local favourite Jay Hope, featuring newcomer V, called Serendipity.”

The song starts with just the low baritone vocal, gentle and earnest, singing of gratitude for life and love. Then the guitar riff joins in, then more instruments, culminating in a catchy chorus section with infectious beats and jazzy exuberance.

Taehyung blushes as Jeongguk arches his eyebrow in surprise, “wow, didn't realize I'm hanging out with a celebrity.”

Taehyung punches him hard in the arm as pink dusts his cheeks, “stop it! It gets air time because all the local radios love Hoseok!”

“I dunno, this song feels very you.” Jeongguk deadpans, doesn't even flinch for the punches. “It sounds lovely though, you should be proud.”

“You really think so?” Taehyung scrunches his nose but leans into Jeongguk with a bashful grin, “Hoseok said sales is modest but seriously, I'm amazed to be a part of a song at all.”

“Don't sell yourself short.” Jeongguk comments, holding onto Taehyung’s hand before adding, “it's nice of him to help you so much.”

“Hoseok? Yeah, he's just so-” Taehyung responds, “-easy going and thoughtful and artistic. It's kinda crazy how similar our tastes are, you know.”

Jeongguk hums, and turns silent.

Taehyung zooms his face towards him teasingly, “jealous? You don't like it?”

Jeongguk huffs lightly, taking his time in responding.

Taehyung nudges into his shoulder and takes in the familiar scent of cedar shampoo and faint traces of cologne, “you know I'd rather spend time with you. It gets kinda lonely waiting forever you know, a little distraction helps…”

“Is making music just a distraction? Seems like you enjoy it a lot.” Jeongguk observes.

Taehyung runs his hand on the fabric of Jeongguk’s sleeve mindlessly, voice a quiet mumble, “you know, people never looked into my eyes when I was some lowlife on the street. So this is nice I guess, to suddenly receive so much attention for a silly little song. And I do like making music. But…”

“But?”

Taehyung's feet slow down, eyes looking past the idyllic scene next to them, into the distance, “do you ever get that feeling that you are just living day by day and not knowing what it is all for?”

He can feel Jeongguk stiffen right next to him. Taehyung shoots him a sideway glance, hoping to decipher the darkness in his eyes, “Hoseok is so passionate about it all, it's infectious. But I dunno, it all just feels empty sometimes, just a bunch of random people whose opinion I should care less about at the end of the day. Everything feels like a foregone conclusion, and I'm-I’m just sitting around waiting for the ball to drop.”

Waiting, for the one thing I cannot have.

Taehyung blinks hard and tries to change the tone, “ungrateful isn't it, a year ago all I wanted was to have a safe place to sleep. Now I have too much and don't know what to do with any of it.”

He feels Jeongguk’s hand carding through his hair gently, “but you’re young, endless possibilities ahead. This is just a rest stop. Once you finish school and feel better-”

Taehyung glares at him, but there's no threat in his gaze, “I'm just the way I am, you can't fix me.” He shakes his head, “why am I telling you this. Of all people. You got everything in life all figured out at like five, I bet.”

He doesn't expect a response, and is surprised when he hears the quiet murmur, “you’d be surprised.”

Taehyung’s gaze softens, “well, you don't have to break everything down for me, you know. I can feel it, I'm not that dumb. If you really don't like your work, you could try something else?” He sighs, then offers earnestly, “I mean, I can get a job and we can just live a simpler life. I don't need all the fluff, as long as we are together.”

Silence. Taehyung is afraid to look into those eyes, afraid of the dark current always swirling within, him in yet also making him feel so distant, even when they are as close as they can be physically.

He chuckles drily, trying to disguise how deflated he suddenly feels, “anyways, here I go ruining the mood and making a vacation feel like another frigging day at work. Let's talk about something else, lemme make it up to you somehow?” He wiggles his eyebrows playfully, trying hard to shake off the lingering stiffness.

A sigh. He feels Jeongguk’s arm wrapping around him, and a soft peck by his hairline, “you don't have to work, I’d rather you rest and have the chance to try things out, figure out what you want to do eventually. And I'll always watch out for you, you won't ever have to worry about being back on the street again, even if-” he pauses before continuing, and Taehyung catches himself holding his breath silently next to him, “-even if I'm not around one day for whatever reason…”

There's a sudden heaviness in Taehyung’s heart, he huffs and struggles for a response, “that's absurd, why wouldn't you be around? Wherever you go, you’ll always be back, right? I'll just wait, Chim Chim will keep me company. Like you said, I'm young, I have time, I don't mind.”

He feels Jeongguk’s arm tightening around him reassuringly, and Jeongguk speaks slowly, giving weight to each word, “and I really meant what I said - I'm happy right now. Happy that you are doing well, making sense of your past and future in your own way, little by little. Proud of you.”

Taehyung blushes, the sincerity in Jeongguk’s voice makes it hard to linger on the bitterness in his mouth. With a heavy sigh, he finally relents, drooping his shoulders and curling into him again, luxuriating in the warmth of the embrace.

They are past the pier now, going down a road that merges into another residential area. Bayshore avenue, Taehyung takes note of the signage absently and feels a buzz on his mind.

Slowly more houses start to appear alongside the road, this time older in style, ranchman bungalows, with some Spanish colonial dotted in between. Everything seems foreign to Taehyung at first glance, yet the small details suggest otherwise. The feel of the neighborhood, the way sunlight hits the ruffling trees on the street and shades the road just so, the scent of the ocean mixed with begonia and home cooking - his heartbeat quickens as he tumbles deeper into memory.

Taehyung’s hand clutches onto Jeongguk a little tighter every time a flash of recognition registers. Slowly some of the houses become more familiar, faint memories floating onto the surface.

Sudden Taehyung realizes, the whole time he thought they were just on an aimless stroll, when all along his subconscious mind has always nudged and guided him, straight into the heart of his memories.

He gulps and feels the anxiety coursing through him again, making him shiver. And suddenly he feels so weary, so very sick of his own cowardness.

.

This is enough. You've been in denial long enough. Time to face the past, no more fear.

He keeps walking, pushing his mind to look at every house. After another fifteen minutes, when he's about to give up and starts to question whether this is the right street, it appears before them.

Taehyung recognizes the house instantaneously. His chest tightens as he inhales sharply. It’s unassuming, a bungalow with faded walls and lush front lawn. With a pang of emotions, he remembers the lawn use to have planters filled with flowers and he would spend hours alone collecting all the different leaves.

There’s a static noise in his ears, and Taehyung can’t tell when he’s let go of Jeongguk’s arm and stumbled towards the house alone. It calls to him, as the fear and anxiety slowly melt away, replaced by longing.

There’s a little boy with wavy brown hair in the front, squatting and with a plastic car in one hand. Taehyung pauses next to him and bends down, “that’s a nice toy.”

The boy looks up and grins, face in the shadow. Taehyung blinks hard to rid of the mist in his eyes and smiles back, feeling the warmth in his heart.

“Zoom zoom!” The little boy waves the car midair, following an invisible road that zigzags upwards. Taehyung chuckles and watches, feeling the moment slow down. Jeongguk stands behind him silently, and Taehyung finds his presence so very comforting.

“Are you here to see mommy?” the boy asks.

Taehyung hesitates and turns to glance at Jeongguk before responding, “well… is your mom home?”

“Yeah.”

He watches as the boy suddenly hops up and darts towards the front door of the house. “Mommy mommy people here to see you.” They hear his voice trailing back as his petite frame disappears through the door.

Taehyung looks at Jeongguk again timidly, who places a hand by his arm gently, “breathe, I’m here.” It brings a tiny smile to the corner of his lips, as his shoulders relax.

They hear the door creak open again, and a woman steps out with kindness in her eyes, “hi, are you looking for someone?”

Taehyung smiles apologetically and responds, “so sorry to bother you. I..um...I think I lived in this house as a kid. It’s been a very long time, and I’m just passing by for memory’s sake.”

“Oh.” she widens her eyes in surprise. “Must’ve been a long time ago, because we have been here for almost ten years. Our son was born here.”

“I see. He seems very sweet.” Taehyung comments.

“He’s alright.” the woman smiles indulgently, “we do love this neighborhood, it’s older and quieter.”

“I agree, it's lovely here.” Taehyung nods, pausing before continuing, voice hesitant but polite, “um, I was wondering, do you know anything about the family living here before? I was quite young so my memories are a bit blurry.”

The woman glances at him quizzically, but her eyes are soon filled with sympathy, “ah. All I know is this house was vacant for quite a while before being on the market. The sale was completed by a lawyer as a part of the will settlement because the owner passed away.”

Taehyung feels his chest tighten and nods slowly.

She then adds, “well, now that I think about it, some of the neighbors probably know the previous owner more. They mentioned something about an older lady that use to work at the steak restaurant in town? I'm not certain of the details but if you ask around here, I’m sure they would be happy to tell you.”

She smiles again reassuringly, as Taehyung processes the info. The door cracks open again, this time the little boy is peeking through with curious eyes and calls out to his mom.

The woman speaks apologetically, “I should probably head back in. Unless, you want to take a look at the house inside? I don't mind.”

“Oh.” Taehyung eyes Jeongguk, who is quiet but maintains a diplomatic and friendly grin, “um. It's ok, thank you so much for your time, I really appreciate it.”

She nods at both of them politely and turns around back to the house. Taehyung lets out a sharp exhale and watches as she closes the door behind her.

“Funny how I've never been afraid of many things, but didn't even have the guts to walk through an old house right there.” He scoffs self deprecatingly.

“You did well. There's always another day.” Jeongguk comments.

Taehyung twitches his lips around, eyes still fixated on the house, “yeah. And it was nice to know people are living there now happily. Somehow it didn't feel as sad as I imagined it to be.”

There's a gentle breeze in the air, it envelops them as Taehyung walks over to loop his arm through Jeongguk’s, “maybe one day I'll have the courage to talk to more people in this neighborhood.”

“Would that make you happy?”

Taehyung responds, “I think so. I've tried so hard to not remember anything for so long, this is still...new. But- “ he bites his lip before continuing, “-but somehow it also feels nice to have a reason to come back here. I've never had a place, a city, you know?”

Jeongguk grabs onto his hand and intertwines their fingers, “we can come visit Ventura whenever you want. It's nice to have a place that grounds you. Not all memories should be erased.”

His words tug at Taehyung’s heart, and Taehyung holds onto his hand more. He dips his head low and speaks, averting eye contact, “thanks for this trip. I didn't want to come here, because I knew I could never do it on my own. But somehow everything turns out to be ok when you're around. I-I love-” he chokes up on the words, exasperated, and hastily adds, “-I love having you around…”

They keep strolling, arms linked, and Jeongguk replies, voice a gentle whisper, “I know. I'll always cheer for you, always."