The streets of downtown LA are buzzing with energy at night. The drizzling rain of the day has finally ceased, and the puddles of water on the asphalt reflect the kaleidoscopic lights of the street - bars, restaurants, headlights of cars zooming by, like vibrant art that splashes and swirls about with a life of its own.

Jeongguk parks his car and walks, dodging pass scattered groups of youth clamouring and rushing to the next hot spot. He left his black hoodie in the car, just a plain white tee and blue jeans he wore for the flight. The air is balmy and comfortable, another lovely west coast fall evening. He inhales deeply, trying hard to reign in the scattered thoughts on his mind.

It was a miserable week in New York again, locked up in the office with Yoon and the team, making calls and running through different approaches to clear a path for new investments. Another company on their investment list has declared bankruptcy, and the clients grow irritated at the constant change in strategy. In a market with no foreseeable upswing, their struggle feels futile sometimes, like looping in a circle and not going anywhere.

Yoon calls the lobbyists almost daily now, placing all his hopes onto passing of the confidentiality bill for small investment firms. Together, the lobbyist team of his has narrowed down to working exclusively on a handful of senators. The calls always make Jeongguk flinch, as he excuses himself away from eavesdropping range.

They bicker constantly now. The usual tricks - iced Americano from Yoon’s favourite shop, a sweet text from Namjoon - have lost their appeal, and only earn a stiff nod in return. Jeongguk gets it - this business means so much to Yoon, and the thought of possibly losing it all frightens him. Yoon is looking for that magic bullet, that one act that could turn the whole situation around.

Just one more step, just push a little harder, and they’ll reach the turning point, where things will be back in their favor.

But will they?

Dread looms in Jeongguk’s heart, like tendrils of smoke that linger yet cannot be grasped. Something is off. All his life, he's been trying to do the right thing - the best education, the loyal friend, providing for his parents, finding love in the right places... Forever chasing after goals, never stopping to pause and think. He’s too afraid to face the fact that maybe, somewhere along the line, he’s lost something - himself, a dream, an identity, he can't quite put his fingers on it. Yet it gnaws at his heart incessantly, the fear that something is terribly wrong. And it’s all too late.

He’s too far gone to fix it.

Jeongguk shrugs, too worn out to figure it out. Another day maybe. Right now, there's only one person on his mind - that dazzling smile reserved just him, the sparkle that lights up his eyes the moment their gaze locks, and the warmth of those long slender fingers curling around his arm.

Taehyung is a drug, numbing the pain and blissfully dulling the mind. And Jeongguk is addicted, craving for another hit, itching at the mere thought of it as he walks towards the destination. Maybe this will be a small event and they can just duck out inconspicuously, the thought of cuddling up in bed in the peace and quiet of home loosens up his muscles.

The entrance to the bar is in a back alley, faintly illuminated by an industrial overhead lamp. The nameplate is small, right next to the glass door blocking out the clamour on the inside. Engraved in bronze, the font is simple but eye catching - Sub Rosa.

There's a long line, consisting of mostly girls laughing and waiting eagerly in skimpy outfits. A bouncer stands by the door, looking stiff and bored.

“I'm here for Kim Taehyung, the performer?” Jeongguk steps up and inquires.

“The line starts over there.” The bouncer glares and signals down the alley.

Jeongguk walks to the back of the line and texts to Taehyung. He waits, for the response that never comes.

The girls in front of him chat animatedly, despite his best effort to ignore the conversation.

“...so supposedly Jay is performing with his new fling.”

“Yeah, his name is V, right? Super hot, I found his photo online.”

“I know right, but get this. My friend told me that this guy was a random street kid, until he landed himself a sugar daddy, some rich old guy on the east coast. And then bam now Jay is trying to get him a record deal out of nowhere. That’s a lot of arms and legs in one relationship.”

“Huh, that's messed up, how does it work?”

“Oh I dunno. But damn, you got to sleep with ALL the right people to make it in this town, know what I'm sayin?”

Jeongguk frowns. This is definitely not the right place for tonight, especially right after the flight.

He tries to block out the conversations around him, yet the sound of their laughters grate on his ears. He exhales and glances at his phone again.

Time ticks by slowly, and the restlessness grows, until he hears whispers in the crowd and sees two huddled figures walking towards him.

Taehyung’s hair has grown again, the silvery bangs curling around his eyes. He's wearing a billowing white silk shirt that shrouds him in an ethereal glow. There's a glint by his left ear. As he walks closer, Jeongguk sees it, one earring of a strand of tiny ruby pieces, trembling with each step he takes. It's so dangerously alluring, just like Taehyung’s iridescent smile. Jeongguk has the sudden urge to take him home and hide him all to himself, away from the devouring eyes of the public.

He's leaning onto Hoseok, whispering and throwing his head back in laughter as Hoseok responds. They look dazzling together, driving the crowd into a frenzy.

Jeongguk flinches and averts eye contact, the sudden realization of not belonging becoming too glaring to ignore.

This is Taehyung’s world. And as much as Jeongguk gravitates towards him, drawing towards the mesmerizing youth that he radiates, none of it belongs to him.

Is it possible, that he's living out some morbid sense of denial through Taehyung? Coveting Taehyung’s youth as he refuses to fade into the background himself?

The thought sickens him, making his stomach churn. As he looks up again, he sees the spark of recognition in Taehyung’s eyes, and spots his arm draped around Hoseok’s shoulder intimately.

Everything is suddenly a little overwhelming, and the crowd whispers in excitement, dozens of eyes zooming right onto them. Jeongguk clenches his jaw and breathes out sharply.

Taehyung squeals happily and runs towards him, oblivious to the frustration simmering within, “what you doing waiting in line for? Agh still can’t believe you actually came!”

He’s in Jeongguk’s arms in a heartbeat, bouncing around like a hyper pup and reaching in for sloppy kisses, “Hobi is doing a whole set but we have bottle service right next to the stage, and after party! There’s a new rave place that Hobi loves!”

Jeongguk stiffens in the kiss, feeling the piercing attention from the line up, “sounds like a lot.”

Taehyung laughs, “it’s only 10, old man! It’ll be fun, I promise!”

Jeongguk eyes him warily, “I thought you said this was just one drink and a song.”

“Well, it’s a few collab pieces, plus a solo song just for him. Because I can’t say no to this one here.” The voice next to them is indulgent, and Jeongguk looks up to see Hobi with flushed cheeks and shirt ed at the top, beaming with dishevelled allure.

Jeongguk hums and feels Taehyung tugging at his arm.

“Let’s go, two shots for you to catch up! When was the last time you came to our performances? You owe me, Guk!” Taehyung rolls his eyes and feigns indignation, earning a chuckle out of Hobi.

“True, I think I’ve seen you around like twice in the past four months, Jungkook. That expensive house of yours is definitely too big for just Tae and a cat.”

Taehyung slaps Hoseok on the shoulder teasingly, “doesn’t mean you can leave all your crap at my house! I hope Chim Chim scratches the out of all your shoes.”

He laughs, and for some inexplicable reason, Jeongguk finds the noises all so grating. A headache is building up, the loud gossiping around them, the lights and the crowds, it’s all becoming too much.

They are by the front entrance now, Hoseo making small talk with the bouncer, and Taehyung chiming in and goofing around. The glass door opens and the onslaught of clamor and pulsing music spills into the alley. Jeongguk can make out the silhouette of the energetic crowd inside, dancing the night away and recklessly flaunting their youths.

He sighs and lets the sudden wariness wash over him, feet pausing, “I don’t know, Tae, it was a long flight.”

Taehyung glances back in confusion, “hmm? What you mean? I’m sure you’ll feel better after a drink?”

Jeongguk hesitates, looking into Taehyung’s eyes, searching for comfort, and that familiar spark of connection.

That’s when he notices the telltale signs, the blown out pupils, the sniffles, and that little twitch of the lips. Taehyung looks agitated and hungry for more.

His gaze turns cold, and Taehyung stiffens in response, the hand by his arm silently slipping.

“You know what, I think I’m good. I’ll see you at home.” His words come out in a rasp, low but absolute.

There’s hesitation in Taehyung’s gaze, as a frown creeps up between his brows.

“What? No, you’re already here, it’s Tae’s first time singing solo, you gotta be here. He’s been planning this for a month.” Hoseok looks incredulous, inching closer to stand next to Taehyung.

Jeongguk responds coldly, “seems like he’s in good hands. You guys have fun.”

As he turns around to step away, he can hear Hoseok and Taehyung talking anxiously behind him. But he keeps walking, refusing to look back.

Some other place, away from here, away from all the prying eyes.

There’s the sound of rapid footsteps behind him, and a hand tugs on his arm.

“Guk, I’m sorry.”

Jeongguk wants to shake it off but he can’t, “it’s fine, just go do your thing and I’ll see you later.”

“Please, just stay for a bit, I haven’t seen you all week.” Taehyung’s voice is pleading, making his feet pause and heart irritatingly weak.

He turns around and faces Taehyung’s eyes, the flickering of his gaze hard to ignore.

Jeongguk sighs, dark eyes boring onto Taehyung, who grows more nervous in response. Finally a sob breaks out of Taehyung, “I’m sorry, it was just a few lines. I was so frigging nervous and Hobi said it’ll calm my nerves. It’s nothing really- “

“Really.” Jeongguk responds flatly. “I’m tired. Frankly, you’ve heard it all before. Go back, you don’t wanna miss your show.”

“Guk, please.” Taehyung tugs on his arm again, brows knitted and voice trembling. “Please, I thought you’d be proud of me, I was so happy when you said you were coming tonight…”

“I am. I am proud of you. But this-“ Jeongguk looks back to the alley and grimaces, “- all of this, is it really what you want?”

Taehyung bites his lip and hesitates, “what you mean? The singing? It’s not a bad thing right? And Hobi is so supportive, he’s already lined up a recording deal for me. For me, Guk, can you believe that? Someone wants to pay for me to sing!”

Taehyung’s hand on his arm pulls and slides around nervously, and the spark in his eyes flickers in and out. The restlessness irritates Jeongguk more than he’d like to admit.

“I think it’s more complicated than you’d like to admit.” Jeongguk pauses, not wanting to continue, but the image of Taehyung and Hoseok huddled together flashes through his mind, and words spill out before he can stop them, “this is too much. The New York office is a mess right now, the last thing we need is a scandal reaching to the clients. I can’t do this right now, I’m sorry.”

Taehyung‘s eyes widen, “what do you mean, scandal? I can’t - I’m so confused, you never tell me anything. If you are concerned, if you don’t like it- “ his voice grows shaky, “I don’t have to sing, I don’t have to do any of this.”

The tings of sorrow in his voice cuts into Jeongguk like a knife, clouding his mind with exasperation. He struggles, trying hard to find the right words, “no, do what you enjoy, I’d never tell you to stop doing what you love. Maybe it’s just me, this - this is just not my thing.”

Everything feels a little off, the hurt in Taehyung’s eyes, the frustration bottled up inside himself, the dimly lit streetlight casting both of them in sharp angles and fragmented shadows.

“Tell me please, tell me what you want me to do Guk. All I really want - all I really want is you.“ a sob finally break out of Taehyung, and Jeongguk sees it, the mist on his lashes, and the quiver of his lips.

The last person he wants to hurt. And it all feels like déjà vu, another relationship, another disappointment. He wants to retreat and crawl back into his shell, instead of dragging Taehyung down with his own confusion.

“I’m tired, maybe I’ll just stay over at Yoon’s tonight. We can talk later.”

Taehyung stares at him, and a sigh escapes his lips. “Of course.”

His hand slides off, eyes glistening in the dark when he speaks again, voice distant and cold. “You know, you’ve always taken such good care of me, always so perfect in every way. But sometimes I wish I could just break it all down, smash through that damn wall that’s always between us.” Taehyung blinks hard and whispers, “you can yell at me, tell me what to do, whatever you want. If it makes you feel more in control of your own life, I’m fine with it. Used to it, really. All I want, all I ask, is for you to open up. Do you, even know what you want, Guk?”

The questions linger in the air, as panic suddenly surges through Jeongguk’s heart. He wants to deny it, to say no, but nothing comes out. Silence fills between them, and Jeongguk desperately wants to reach in and embrace Taehyung. He needs to kiss the hurt away and inhale in the warmth of his skin, needs to not think anymore.

But when he finally speaks, jaws clenched and shoulders squared defensively, the words are entirely different, “don’t wait for me. You have your whole life ahead of you, go for it, do what you love. You deserve more than you realize, I’ve known this since the first day we met.”

And just like that, they have gone full circle. Jeongguk sees the defiance in Taehyung’s eyes, just like that day on the slushy New York street, tiny flames that refuse to go out.

Tell him, tell him about the dreams, the hollowness, tell him how everything in your life feels like a lie, and that you just want to run away, far far away.

There’s a draft on the street, making Taehyung’s shirt billow, like an ethereal vision, surreal and detached. The wet asphalt glistens under the streetlamps.

He hears footsteps from the alley, it’s Hoseok. He slows down at the sight of the two of them, voice hesitant, “Tae, we’re up, the crowd is getting anxious.”

Before Taehyung can respond, Jeongguk pipes up coldly, “go, we can talk later.”

Taehyung stares at him, all the unspoken words shining in his eyes. Jeongguk feels something snap in his heart, but he ignores it, pushing it to the side stubbornly, refusing to give it power.

He walks away without turning around.

———

Yoongi sits on the patio and takes another puff of the cigarette dangling between his fingers. The sky is pitch black, muddled and not a star in sight. He pauses and contemplates, before finally reaching for his phone.

The ringing claws at his heart, making him frown. He’s just about to hang up when the call is picked up. The familiar voice on the other end makes him breath out of relief.

“Hey.”

“Sorry, it’s late.” Yoongi responds.

“It’s ok, always good to hear from you.” The voice is laced with sleep but puts his mind at ease. He sinks into the patio chair, shoulders slouching.

Yoongi onto the cigarette hard, willing the smoke to permeate his lungs and the chemicals to spread through his body one cell at a time.

“Everything ok?” There are ruffling sounds over the phone.

Yoongi pictures Namjoon pushing himself up to glance at clock by his bed, and a tiny grin blooms, “yeah.”

“Is it work?”

“I wish.” Yoongi scoffs.

Namjoon hums, giving him time.

“Guk is staying for the night.”

“Oh.”

Yoongi stares into the sky absently, “we argued, he’s off to bed now. Sometimes I think I’m going about this all wrong.”

“What do you mean?” In the silence of the night, Namjoon’s voice is lazy but calming, putting him into a trance.

“He’s been so distracted recently, so out of it. I don’t know.” He pauses, then mumbles, seemingly to himself, “always trying to do the right thing, never wanting to disappoint anyone.”

“Yeah, I remember even as a kid, he was always so careful, constantly watching out for what ticked the adults off.”

Yoongi sighs, “too good at putting up a perfect front, but nobody’s perfect, everyone breaks down eventually.”

“Hmm.” Namjoon grows quiet on the other end, before piping up again, “I thought he was in love, happy. And work is work, you guys will figure it out, right?”

“Right.”

Yoongi watches as the tip of the cigarette burns in the dark. “And yes, he is in love, it’s so obvious to everyone but himself.”

A long pause.

Finally Namjoon speaks, voice warm and reassuring, “we can talk to him together next time you’re in town. Wish you’re here right now.”

His words brings a smile to Yoongi’s lips. He closes his eyes and soaks in the voice, “be back there soon enough. Beside, it’s not like we do much in that bed of yours.” A scoff, this time self deprecating.

“You know I’m happy as long as you’re around, I’ll be fine.”

Yoongi snubs out the cigarette and exhales slowly. In all the years they’ve been together, Namjoon has never once pushed him, always respecting his space, giving him time to ease into things. His heart is filled with fondness at the thought.

Love takes roots when you are no longer afraid to show your flawed self, when you take the leap and have faith that the other person will never let you fall, no matter how undeserving you think you are of him.

“Why do you think you’re going about it wrong anyways?” Namjoon’s voice brings him back from his meandering thoughts.

Yoongi pauses, mind drifting, before finally responding, “I feel like he is done with all this crap. For a while there, it was so nice to chase after the dream together, success, proving ourselves to the world, you know, that whole thing. But it was never what he wanted, only took him all of his life to realize. And sometimes I feel like he’s dragging on for my sake.”

Namjoon is silent, and Yoongi can hear his shallow breaths faintly over the phone. He closes his eyes and imagines Namjoon in bed, eyes drooping and hand clutching onto the phone. Yoongi welcomes the calmness washing over him like curling waves in the dark ocean.

When Namjoon finally speaks, the words come out slowly, “does it bother you that Guk is changing? And maybe somewhere along the way, you two might end up in different directions?”

The words catch him off guard, and Yoongi’s breath hitches. Eventually he responds, voice in a rasp, “I don't like it. , I hate the idea of him lost and alone. I mean, it's better if he sticks with us, no? This world, this life, however messed up it is, is all we've known.”

Namjoon hums, and comments flatly, “well. That's the whole point of change though, to step into the unknown, that leap of faith. And people change not out of comfort, they are forced to do it, because there's no other way. They are at the brink.”

He's silent for a moment, and Yoongi grasps onto the phone, frustrated yet suddenly inexplicably speechless. He hears Namjoon sigh quietly, and continues, “Yoon, if you love him, you have to trust him. No matter the cost of his decision, he deserves some support.”

Yoongi wants to say no, that it feels like giving up on the only brother he's ever had, that he can talk some sense into Jeongguk. Whatever is bothering him, they will find a way to deal with it, together, just like when they were young.

But his throat dries and there's a heaviness in his chest. The truth in Namjoon’s words is undeniable, impossible to refute.

The sudden taste of defeat is bitter in his mouth, but there's something more, something weary and lonely. Yoongi sits as silence fill the endless space between the two of them.

Finally Namjoon pipes again, “it's ok, I'm still here, always here with you. In time, things will work out. He will always care about you, that will never change.”

“I hope you’re right.” Yoongi purses his lips before answering, and stands up to gaze into the sky.

He thinks of the twinkling stars hidden beyond the muddled clouds. Soon, the first rays of the dawn will pierce through the darkness, and it will be a new day.