There's drizzling rain outside again. The pitter patter of the raindrops on the roof and windows echo throughout the house. The curtains are closed, and in the darkness, Taehyung wonders where Chim Chim is. The thought drifts, untethered, before fading into the void, like all the other shadows that pass in and out of his thoughts.

His mind is in a haze, days and nights bleeding into each other until no longer distinguished. Every time he leaves the house, the world always feels jarring to him - the sun a little too bright, the people a little too loud, and he is disoriented, detached. So Taehyung stays at home, clinging onto the guitar, or absently scribbling down the images in his dreams. A steady stream of drinks and drugs keeps his mind blissfully numb.

Hoseok still texts him sometimes, although he's getting used to the excuses and prolonged periods of silence. The solo music plans are on hold, and the performances have stopped since Sub Rosa. Strangely, he doesn't seem to miss any of it. Taehyung’s mind is stuck on one thing, most of the days.

He hasn't been back home.

Once the frustration has passed, Taehyung has tried to text cautiously. The responses have been delayed and brief. Enroute to New York, staying over at Yoongi’s, or at some hotel; and the reasons are all similar, boring - work and such.

A myriad of emotions runs through his mind - exasperation, anger, doubts and insecurity. Is he being punished? Was it something he did, something he said? In the end it doesn't matter, over time, emotions wear out, until the sharp corners are replaced by dull and rounded edges, still there but no longer push out the tears at the first moment of remembering.

Instead, he has dreams, vivid dreams that make it hard to separate memories from reality. In them, sometimes he's back in the shabby little shed in New York, half delirious and sinking deeper, with Taemin whispering hoarsely into his ear - doing well baby, you gonna be just like me in no time. He shivers, but the bony hands clamp down onto his shoulders, refusing to let him go. Sometimes he’s facing the blindingly blue sky, with cherry tree branches trembling over him and millions of wet petals falling into his vision, dazzling and obstructing the silent figure standing next to him.

Taehyung turns and curls into the wrinkled sheets more. His body is on fire, and lips parched; but stubbornly he pushes it all aside - it’ll pass, everything always passes eventually, then the next, then the next.

There’s a noise in the room, and Taehyung squints his eyes open, gritting his teeth through the throbbing headache, “Chims? Is that you?”

He winces when he spots a dark silhouette by the bed. No, it can’t be him. He sighs and screws his eyes shut, “, Hoseok, I told you I’m not going to the studio, leave me alone.”

There’s a hand by his forehead, the coldness of the touch is comforting, and Taehyung leans into it. Must be a dream, he must be tripping out.

“Your phone’s been off for four days, nobody could reach you.” The voice is deep and frustrated, and Taehyung can feel his breath faintly hitting his skin.

Taehyung gulps and feels mist rising in his eyes, but instead he snaps back, his tone icy and petulant, “whatever, I’m fine.”

A sigh, and the figure retracts into the dark. Taehyung ignores the urge to look up, ignores the emptiness from the sudden loss. He turns around with brows furrowed.

Leave me be, get out of my head.

His lids flutter as mind sinks back into lucid dreams, of broken branches and melancholic guitar riffs, spiralling and wallowing and refusing to wake up.

Then he feels a strong arm supporting him from the side, plopping him up, and the deep voice whispers into his ear, “drink this and take the pills.”

A glass of water is by his lips, Taehyung sips on it and feels his head spin with nausea, but he complies, swallowing the water in small forced gulps, and pushing down the pills presented in the open palm.

He stumbles back onto the pillow clumsily, and turns to see the figure seated by the edge of the bed, facing away. He’s too dizzy to beg, too tired to fight, but a small voice pushes out from the back of his throat timidly, “are you staying?”

He hears the dull thud of his belt dropping to the ground, and the ruffles of undressing. Then the warmth of his torso next to his envelops him, and the faint trace of cedar shampoo lingers, making him inhale longingly. He turns and meets Jeongguk’s dark eyes, as he hugs him from the back. “Of course, I’ll be here until your fever goes down.” A heavy sigh that dissipates into the air, “You got me so worried…”

Taehyung nuzzles into his touch greedily. If this is a dream, then he never wants to wake up.

He searches for his lips hungrily, blinking away the prickle in his eyes. His tongue swipes across Jeongguk’s lips, tracing it, drawing the desire out of him. Hands loop onto his neck desperately, grasping and tangling, not wanting to let go.

He hears another heavy sigh breathing into the kiss, “what to do with you…”

The words make his heart tremble, as tears finally drop uncontrollably with every flutter of his lashes. But stubbornly Taehyung pushes into him, pouring all his frustration and loneliness into every move, tugging at his lips with his teeth.

Love me, ruin me, wreck me over and over.

It all feels like a fever dream, and his mind is slipping into delirium again, all lightheaded and dizzy. Taehyung grabs onto Jeongguk’s arms and gasps for air.

“Hey, come here, breathe.” There are soft kisses by his hairline, filling his heart with contentment. Taehyung breathes out slowly and curls into him, anchored by the strength of his body. Jeongguk continues, “it’s ok, I’m here. You’re sick, try to rest up.”

Jeongguk’s hands caress his skin firmly, grounding him and calming his ragged breath. Taehyung sees his desire reflected in his eyes in the dark. He whispers, breath ghosting over the column of Jeongguk’s neck, “I want you, want you so badly.”

“You always got me.” Jeongguk’s response draws a contented gasp out of him, as his hands reach down and graze by the edge of his boxer briefs.

Searching, seeking for purchase, grasping onto him to save himself from drowning. Taehyung’s heart hammers in his chest, making him dizzy and weak. The kiss is feverish, desperate, carnal.

More, more, more.

“Shhhh, it’s ok, I’m here.” Jeongguk rasps, responding to his needs, hands by the small of his back, supporting him.

“Want you, want you now- “ Taehyung is inconsolable, pleading, whole body shivering out of need.

“Turn around.” He hears the desire in Jeongguk’s voice and complies, guiding him with his hand in the back. And when he finally enters him, the movement is exquisitely slow and delirious, pushing a whimper out of him.

“Ohhh, Tae…” Jeongguk stutters as he bottoms out.

When he begins to move again, Taehyung fists onto the edge of the bed as a string of moans fall out. There’s mist on his fluttering lashes, as his mind goes blissfully blank saved for the contentment of being filled by Jeongguk, who spoons him from the behind and breathes heavily into the crook of his neck with every .

With thrumming heart, Taehyung waits, like a spring that’s wound up with every , waiting for the moment of release. He finally feels Jeongguk’s hand reaching for his from the back, the touch sending waves of pleasure through his body. He ruts into the palming hand, as the voice next to his ear grants the permission he’s been waiting all along. “Come, Baby.”

Taehyung’s mind lets go, as all the build up culminates into the final snap, body trembling and reverberating in the high. He can feel Jeongguk waiting, supporting him from the back in his embrace.

He’s still so sensitive, synapses firing with all the residual sensations, but he arches his back into Jeongguk and begs, “come in me, please, want to feel you.”

Jeongguk responds by tightening his arms around him, fingers digging into his torso as he s and comes with a grunt. Taehyung sighs as the warmth fills him up inside out, and blinks away the mist in his eyes.

They stay together, in silence, leaning into each other, soaking up the intimacy. There’s a tinge of loss when Jeongguk finally withdraws, as Taehyung lays there dazed, clutching onto the sheet half draped over himself. But soon Jeongguk is back, and Taehyung feels the comforting heat of a wet towel.

Jeongguk’s touch is delicate and reverent as usual. Gentle long , the towel swiping over his skin as he grows inexplicably shy under Jeongguk’s gaze. When it’s all done, Taehyung locks eyes with him and extends his arms out timidly, beckoning. Jeongguk covers him up with a soft blanket, before making space for himself under it. The touch of his skin is so very familiar, as Taehyung wraps himself around him, legs tangling over his, and face resting on his chest.

Inseparable, into one.

He follows Jeongguk’s breath, drawing comfort each time it faintly hits his hair. Everything smells like him, and Taehyung feels his mind dizzy from bliss. All his frustration and days of pent up grievance evaporate, his world finally serene and at peace.

He waits for Jeongguk’s breath to turn shallow and slow, but instead, he hears a sigh in the dark, as Jeongguk’s hand reaches to his hair carefully.

Something breaches within Taehyung and a sniffle breaks out, “ Guk, you win. I’m sorry for whatever I did. Please just come back.”

Jeongguk holds onto him tighter and responds, voice low and muted, “don’t say that. It’s not you. I’m just...unsure of things lately.”

“Unsure - of us?” Taehyung’s voice shakes.

Jeongguk turns quiet, but Taehyung is determined, not letting the chance slip by again, “please, tell me what's on your mind. Please try, anything you can tell me.”

He hears a muted sigh, but the words do spill out, slowly and carefully chosen, “I feel unsure of everything lately, tired, need a moment to think.”

Taehyung ponders, treasuring the rare chance to hear him open up, before responding cautiously, “maybe some time to figure things out?”

“Yeah.” Another pause, and he continues, “I’ve never felt so...lost? What is it all for? At one point, I cared just as much as Yoon, this whole thing, this shared dream of ours. What happened…”

He’s mumbling now, seemingly to himself. And the words are cryptic, so Taehyung listens, pulling up the blanket to cover up both of them and responds.

“Well, you still have Yoon, that hasn’t changed.”

Jeongguk hesitates, but to Taehyung’s relief, he continues, struggling with the words but trying hard, “I don't want to disappoint him.” He dips down to kiss Taehyung on the crown. “And I don't want to mess things up… with you.”

“How so?” Taehyung tries to keep his voice impassive, body frozen at the words.

Another long sigh, but Taehyung leans into him more, encouraging him to open up, however reluctant. Jeongguk finally responds, “you deserve more, not just feeling trapped in someone else’s life. You’re waiting around, when you should be out there exploring, living your life.”

Taehyung pipes up to protest, only to be stopped by Jeongguk, who gives him a gentle squeeze, “I know, this feels like all you have. Tae, it’s not.”

He gazes into his eyes, dark orbs piercing into Taehyung, “your life is just starting but mine - I’m stuck, have to make some decisions. But I don’t want to drag you down with me.”

The somberness in his tone makes Taehyung wince.

“I’ve thought about it for a long time. Do you know why I ended up helping you the first time we met?”

The words send shiver down his spine, but Taehyung plays it off, hiding behind his usual nonchalant facade, “because I was irresistible?”

Jeongguk laughs, a stiff little sound tainted by heavy thoughts. “That you are. But mostly, because even when you were at the brink of death, there was still so much life in you. Such fierceness, it was hard to look away. Always made my own life seem so… tedious in return, just going through the motion.”

Jeongguk’s hand cards through Taehyung’s hair absently, “I kept trying to stay away, but instead, every time I felt weak and worn out, I always came back to you. How selfish, keeping you around, rubbing off on your grit and optimism, instead of facing my own life.”

He sounds uncertain, thoughts drifting, and Taehyung looks up and reaches in to caress the side of his face, “Don’t say that, don’t ever feel that way please. I want you here, I want to wait for you. This is a home, our home.”

Jeongguk smiles, there’s fondness in his eyes but also a hint of sadness. “You have no idea how much I miss all this sometimes.”

“Then come back, come back to me. Whatever is bugging you, we will work through it together.” Taehyung’s lips quiver, and he averts his gaze, afraid of what he will see in Jeongguk’s eyes.

He feels Jeongguk tightening his embrace, as his thoughts seem to drift away. Finally, he hears his response, a quiet whisper that dissipates into the air, “thank you.”

Taehyung feels disappointment rising in his heart, but he refuses to ruin the moment. He closes his eyes and leans into Jeongguk more.

The first thing Taehyung does upon wakening, is reaching his arm over in bed. His lips curls into a satisfying smile when he finds what he’s looking for. Jeongguk’s chest heave and dip with every breath, face finally relaxed and softened under the morning light streaming through the gap between the curtains.

He inches closer and wraps his arms around him possessively, eyes gazing upon him, wishing for the moment to never end.

In a way, it doesn’t, because for the next three days, Jeongguk sticks around, just for him, even though Taehyung’s fever is gone by the second day. No work, no engagements, they barely even go out. Just endless hours of being together - Jeongguk cooking strawberry pancakes for breakfast and bringing it to bed for him, watching Love Rosie again while cuddling under the blanket, sitting by the small stone firepit in the backyard and listening to the crackling fire together. And they make love over and over, languidly, roughly with urgent need, or dragged out and pushing denial to the brink. Each time as if it’s their first and last.

Three inseparable days, both of them shedding their pre-assumed roles, just simply two people that long for each other, and blossom under the nurture of the other’s affection.

Taehyung checks the side of the bed every morning the second he wakes up, smiling as he feels the presence of the firm torso next to him.

On day four, as the morning light filters through the window, his eyelids flutter and slender arm reaches out, searching and seeking.

He pauses and feels his heart sink.

The other side of the bed beside him is empty and cold to the touch. He’s gone.

------

Taehyung sits in the backyard at home, and listens to the ruffling of the trees surrounding him. The sky is cloudy and grey, the threat of rain drizzles is palpable in the air. Chim Chim is his paws next to him.

The air feels stale, and no matter how tranquil the backyard feels with the field of elm trees in shades of muted greens and earthy browns, Taehyung catches himself reminiscing the view at the last house. The endless blues, the distant echoes of the waves, and the smell of the salty breeze, it's all gone.

Maybe it's all in his head, but even Chim Chim seems a little lost here. The fences are modern wooden panel styled, seamless with no gap at the bottom. And there was special provision made prior to them moving in, a ring of bricks buried right underneath the fences, to prevent Chim Chim from clawing his way out.

For his safety, he said.

Sorry, Taehyung eyes the cat lounging lazily on the tiled floor, and whispers wordlessly on his mind. He picks up the tumbler of scotch by the end table next to him and takes a swig. The burn of the ember liquid as it slides down his throats jolts him awake a little. Never liked scotch.

A sudden ringing startles him, as Chim Chim looks up with shining eyes. It takes Taehyung a moment to snap out of the trance and head to the front door to check.

It's Hoseok, smiling and with a bag full of takeout food in hand. Grey bomber jacket, black sunglasses with rose gold rims, ripped jeans. And when he removes the glasses, Taehyung sees the familiar warm gaze with kindness gleaming.

“You haven't agreed to come out for three weeks now, so I figured either you’re dead, or some sort of intervention is in order.” He speaks nonchalantly, as he follows Taehyung back into the house.

Taehyung doesn't respond. They walk past the dark living room with all the curtains drawn, past the kitchen with nothing on the counter saved for some takeout boxes, before heading to the backyard. There's melancholic music drifting in the air, but the atmosphere is quiet and almost eerie, devoid of life.

Chim Chim meows when he sees Hoseok in the backyard, and steps towards him and nudges him on the leg affectionately. Hoseok reaches down to rub him on the head, before settling down on a chair next to Taehyung and slowly pulling out all the takeout food onto the table.

“This place always feels so different than Malibu.” He comments.

“Yeah.” Taehyung responds. There's definitely more concrete and sharp edges here compared to the laidback seaside abode they had before. “He wanted a place closer inland, ever since the Ventura trip.  For my safety, supposedly.”

“Hmm, I suppose.” Hoseok lays out the packet of fries and grabs a piece. He glances at Taehyung and sinks into the chair before continuing, “so, were you ever planning on answering my calls?”

“Sorry.” the word is flat and dispirited. Something is on Taehyung’s mind, from a dream maybe, he can't quite put his fingers on it.

Hoseok sighs, “I can take the rejection, that’s fine, some days, none of us wants to socialize. But Tae, you need to tell me what's going on. I'm worried about you.”

Taehyung pulls himself out of the trance, “nothing to worry, I'm just a bit...out of it, it'll pass.” He flutters his hand and forces out a tiny smile.

“Will it?”

Taehyung spots Hoseok’s gaze surveying his wrist, he pulls on the long sleeves of his wrinkled shirt and covers up the black butterfly tattoo.

Hoseok continues, “you don't look well, have you lost more weight?” His hand reaches out and touches Taehyung on the arm. The presence is warm, yet Taehyung feels irritated, like something is gnawing at his heart, making it hard to focus.

“I'm fine.” He grumbles.

Hoseok sighs, and changes subject, “is Jeongguk in New York?”

“Sure.” Taehyung frowns and mumbles. “Yoongi’s, New York, a hotel room somewhere, I can't tell anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

Taehyung picks up the tumbler and takes another sip, “I haven't seen him for a while again.”

“Hmm, you guys still fighting?”

“It's hard to fight when you don't get to talk, don't get to say what's on your mind.” Taehyung gulps, feeling the exasperation building. “I have no say, no choice but to wait for him to come back.”

He feels Hoseok inching closer and wrapping his arm around his shoulder, “it's ok, I'm sure you'll work it out.”

The words irritate him, make him shove his hand away stubbornly, “no, you don't get it, he's always been like this, keeping his distance even when we are together. But this time - “ he chokes up on the words, biting into his lip and staring into the distance, “-this time, I can't even tell what's bugging him anymore. He's closed off completely, wants to be away.”

Hoseok is silent. When Taehyung turns to look at him, he sees empathy in his eyes. Frowns crease up between Hoseok’s brows - he's worried for him.

Taehyung continues, the words start to tumble out, “have you ever loved someone just to watch him suffer in silence? And there's this fear, that no matter what you do, you will lose him."

The fear that fills his mind with nightmares, dreams of the past, of struggles in the dark, and of doubts and insecurities.

A touch by his foot startles him. Taehyung looks down and sees Chim Chim rubbing onto him, meowing. His expression softens as he bends down to pick him up. Chim Chim shifts and meows before finally settling in his arms.

“Don't beat yourself up for everything, it's definitely more than what you think.” Hoseok pipes up beside him. “Tae, look at me.”

His voice makes him turn to face him, and Hoseok’s face is somber, “how much do you know about Jeongguk’s business?”

“Not much beside it being private investment.”

“I looked it up recently, asked around a bit. His company, Orpheus, is very discreet, keeps an extremely low profile. It has a small number of clients, but holds about three billion dollars in investment. That's a huge amount of money people have entrusted in him.”

Taehyung eyes him uncertainly, “so?”

Hoseok’s solemness is unusual, and it makes Taehyung nervous.

“People with that kind of money, they operate within their own little circle, and it gets ruthless when they feel their status threatened. Privilege, to them, is the status quo that must be protected.” Hoseok’s eyes are dark. “I heard a while back, his company was involved in an acquisition deal that went sour. There was a car accident, someone tried to intimidate him.”

Taehyung nods, and holds onto the cat in his arms a bit tighter.

“I don't know exactly what happened, all I heard was both sides involved paid for the wrong move afterwards. The owner of one of the companies got dragged into a scandalous lawsuit and killed himself. The other company was reported for fraud and went from flourishing to bankrupt within a year, completely destroyed.”

Taehyung feels a chill climbing up his spine, and his body freezes. He wills for Hoseok to stop, but the other keeps talking, “from the little bit that I can find out, his client list is the top of the elites - judges, politicians, CEOs… Have you ever thought that he’s learned to not share much about himself, because maybe it's better off that way? Safer for people like you and his family?”

The questions stuns Taehyung, he struggles to understand and digest the information. He tries to refute but his voice is quiet and baffled, “well, if it's a part of his life, I will always accept it. He's always accepted me, cared for me unconditionally, it would be the least I can do.”

“Yeah but look what it's doing to you.” There's a glint of sadness in Hoseok’s eyes, and Taehyung can't quite tell what it's for. He listens as Hoseok continues, “my parents are both from well-to-do families, and all the drama and stress of that circle ripped our lives apart. I've always known that's not the life for me.”

Hoseok winces as his gaze turns determined, “I hate the idea that something like love would be tainted by all these nasty things. I want my life to be free, free from all the fear and greed and superficial things. Music, creativity, and passion - that's what I build my life upon, things that come from within me, not from others.”

Taehyung is quiet. Hoseok reaches out to grab his hand gently, “and i get the feeling that we are the same. Tae, you are not like them, you are so much more - “ he exhales deeply and reaches in, the earnestness in his eyes makes Taehyung want to avert his own gaze. “I won't say this ever again, but I hope you don't fall into their world and become a part of it. It's already the life out of you, and I just - you don't know how much I want to show you a different kind of life, a different kind of love -” he struggles to continue, and his hand reaches for Taehyung’s face. The touch of his fingers is featherlight, and the tenderness of the touch makes Taehyung shiver.

Taehyung sees his own hurt reflected in Hoseok’s eyes, and the empathy makes him feel undeserving of the attention. Carefully, he places his own hand over Hoseok’s and screws his eyes shut.

His mind is muddled, and for a brief moment, he allows himself to surrender to that carefree feeling he has around Hoseok, of being finally free from the dull ache that perpetually occupies his heart. He thinks of all the moments they share, filled with mutual understanding and common passions, and how effortless it all felts.

And that feeling of being surrounded by Hosoek’s smile, like a ray of sunshine breaking through the clouds. It's all so very close, within reach, tempting him and pushing his will to the brink.

But unmistakably, Taehyung has suddenly never been more clear of what he truly wants. It echoes loudly in his heart, impossible to ignore. And he chuckles inwardly at the sudden clarity, for it's something he’s known all along, a foregone conclusion from day one.

Taehyung snaps his eyes open, and drops Hoseok’s hand carefully. He speaks, “you assume I have a choice. I guess we all assumed I had a choice.” He scoffs, and a stiff little smile blooms, “I've tried to run away back to my past, tried to occupy my mind with other things - music, art, you. But none of it matters, he's always on my mind - in a crowd of strangers, alone at night, here or far far away. I'll always look for him.”

“He made me who I am. I've never been able to fall in love, to truly understand love, until he accepted me, when I couldn't even accept myself.”

Taehyung looks right through Hosek, into the ruffling trees and murky sky beyond them, his voice contemplative and distant, “maybe that's the foolish thing about first love, I've given into it so completely that I forgot to keep a piece of myself. Stupid, isn't it. But he wields all the power, even when he never reciprocates the love, never is able to say those simple three words.”

Taehyung thinks back to the night in Ventura, when his words tumbled out and was met with Jeongguk’s silent gaze. But there's no resentment in his heart, instead it’s as if a burden has finally been lifted, as his mind is graced with clarity. Like two vines that have grown into each other over the years, they will always be together, in person, in spirit, in the silent gaps scattered about in life. And love is unconditional, out of his control. Taehyung knows he’ll always be there, throwing caution to the wind, every time Jeongguk is in trouble and needs him.

I'll wait for you, I'll always wait for you. For the day when everything is finally the way it should be, and you are ready to come home.