In the dream, Jeongguk is back in the fog again, running.

His feet push onto the ground hard with each step, the rhythm of the motion comforting in its predictable way. His muscles strain under the movement, mind drawing a pleasant buzz from the exertion.

Feeling useful, with a purpose. What he loves.

Until as always, the tiny thought creeps up onto his mind, and grows and spreads slowly, like a virus that threatens to overtake his sanity. The realization that there is no destination.

Doesn’t know where he’s headed, lost.

Jeongguk frowns and decides to push harder - faster strides, deeper breaths. His muscles respond, tensing up at the challenge and speeds up the run.

But the thought continues to grow, as he looks into the surrounding. Dense fog as far as his eyes can see, thick, swirling, moist to the touch and suffocating down his throat. Slowly, he feels the thought morphing into frustration and fear, as the futility of his movement becomes glaringly obvious.

No destination, lost.

Yet faster and faster he runs, pushing his body to the brink. The pain is fine, he’s never had an issue with, even enjoys it to an extent, a method to the mean, to gain the final reward. But the feeling of being utterly lost, of not having a destination in sight, frightens him, pushes his heart into overdrive, thumping wildly in his chest as he starts to gasp for air.

There are no buildings in the horizon, no landmarks or lights, just thick, grey fog. No sense of direction, and no end to his effort.

Futile, useless, lost.

A sound pushes out of the back of his throat, between a scream and an exasperated groan. But as Jeongguk breathes the sound into the fog, it gets swallowed up instantaneously, losing its volume, becoming silent and dull, then it dissipates and dies.

Maybe he’s destined for this, the endless sprint, trapped in his own mind with no way out.

Something flashes through Jeongguk’s mind, a warmth, a small flame that flickers and refuses to extinguish, no matter how overwhelming the fog feels as it seeps into his pores. And it makes him feel so weary, tired to the bones. He yearns for the ember light on his mind, the flicker that he’s seen before, mesmerizing and comforting in its feeble yet defiant way.

Jeongguk pauses. His feet slow down, strides easing, until the sprint stops.

It feels wrong, every fiber on his mind rejecting the action, urging him to pick up speed again. Gotta keep moving, gotta get out of here. Don’t be such a coward, keep pushing yourself through.

Yet the weariness has settled in, and for the first time in years, he gives into it, breath hagged, hands pushing into his thighs, torso hunched as his body adjusts into the break.

No more, he silences the voices in his head, and inhales deeply, willing for his heart to slow down. No more running.

His heart thrums wildly in his chest, body worn out and still tense from the jog, but Jeongguk takes a deep breath and stays still.

Inhale, exhale.

Inhale, exhale.

It’s ok to stop, he screws his eyes shut and grants himself the permission. Everything will be fine. Just stop.

Slowly, the raging thoughts on his mind start to dull, drawing back like receding waves that lap and curl over each other. His breath grows steady, and limbs starting to loosen from the paralyzing fear.

When he finally opens his eyes again, the fog is miraculously dissipating right in front of him. The dense grey thins out into gossamer sheers, then disappears into air. Jeongguk watches in amazement, as the empty space encircling him expands, and the fog recedes gradually.

He stands, stunned, eyes squinting and focused into the distance. There’s a jolt to his heart, when he starts to spot blurry shapes by the horizon. He blinks hard and surveys around himself, watching as the fog fade further and further away.

The tuft of green under his feet suddenly catches his attention. Grass, he’s standing on a field. His head snaps up, eyes searching and tracing the outlines of the buildings that are becoming more clear in the distance. With each passing moment, the fog loosens its last holds on the surrounding landscape, and the buildings become more definitive. There are fences, bleachers, and the pointed roof of the reception building in the distance.

Jeongguk’s eyes widen when the realization finally hits him - it’s the Stevenson school football field. This whole time, he was running aimlessly in the place he knows by heart, having spent countless hours there with Yoon as kids, chatting, going over homeworks, and watching the sports teams practice.

And to think, he was scared of being lost. It all suddenly seems ludicrous, and Jeongguk almost lets out a relieved chuckle. All around him, the fog has disappeared completely without a trace. Jeongguk wipes the sweat off his forehead, and feels his heart content and finally at peace. After surveying the location one more time, he decides to make his way towards the reception building.

With assured strides, Jeongguk slowly steps into the depth of the dream world, as his mind fizzles and fades into the void.

------

Taehyung walks back to the house, carrying the few things he grabbed from the convenient store around the corner - treats for Chim Chim, lemon soda and cereal for himself. He hums a wordless tune, and glances at the late afternoon sun dipping low in the sky.

It’s been another week since he’s talked to Hoseok. No more music for now, and they probably won’t see each other for a long time. But he’s ok with it, feeling content with the decision.

He finally tidied up the house a bit yesterday, and dusted off all the textbooks that haven’t been touched in months. The GED courses are long finished but maybe he could challenge the tests online one day.

The serenity is priceless, after realizing what his heart truly desires. Even the wait suddenly doesn’t seem so bad, since he has faith that Jeongguk will eventually be back.

He always comes home.

As Taehyung gets close to the house, he pulls out the key from the his jacket. Hopping up the stairs by the front entrance, the thought of Chim Chim welcoming him by the door brings a smile to his lips.

His hand freezes as he turns the key - the door is unlocked.

With his heart leaping out of his chest, Taehyung slams the door open and dashes in, hastily throwing everything in hand onto the desk by the foyer. A boxy smile blossoms as he spots the familiar figure by the windows in the living room.

“Why didn’t you call me? I had no idea you were getting back today.” He steps towards him, voice fond.

Jeongguk looks up, and there’s something in his gaze, it’s somber and akin to sorrow. Taehyung feels his steps slow down.

“Hey.”

His tone is warm and Taehyung feels his heart melt at the familiar sound, craving it. But something is off, he’s afraid to ask.

Taehyung opens his arms timidly, and feels Jeongguk leaning in to embrace him. The familiar scents hit him and push a contented sigh out of him. He breathes his word into Jeongguk’s shoulder, “hey, you.”

When they finally part, Jeongguk speaks approvingly, “You look like you’re doing better.” His hand reaches to lift Taehyung’s chin slightly, thumb grazing by his skin.

Taehyung’s cheeks flush, he steals nervous glances at Jeongguk and is lost in his focused gaze. His heart aches for a kiss, for the touch of those lips.

Need some comfort, some assurance.

But Jeongguk doesn’t lean in, “it’s good to see you well.” He walks away and sits down on the couch.

The suspense is grating on Taehyung. Reluctantly, he settles down next to Jeongguk on the couch, eyes filled with uncertainty, “how’s work?”

Jeongguk pauses, as somberness washes over his expression, “I need to tell you something.”

Taehyung’s heart sinks but he forces out a stiff little grin, “yeah? What is it?”

“I mentioned to Yoon, that I will sell my ownership in the company to him.”

The information takes Taehyung by surprise, he blurts out, “really? What for? Are you not happy with the partnership?”

Jeongguk frowns, eyes darting away. His words come out slowly, with difficulty, “no, it’s not that. I’ve decided - to take a break.”

“A break?” Taehyung echoes, thoughts muddled. “Like, some time off?”

Jeongguk glances at him, and the sorrow is back in his dark orbs. Taehyung feels his heart grow exasperated at the look, but before he can respond, Jeongguk speaks again.

“Taehyung, I have a very selfish request to make. I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what? Please, just tell me. What’s bugging you?” Taehyung responds, fearing looming on the back of his mind.

Jeongguk purses his lips before speaking again, “I gave the company to Yoongi because I’ve realized that I need some time alone.”

Taehyung’s expression freezes. Suddenly everything feels so detached, distant.

“Tae, I’m thinking of leaving for a while, and I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

“Where - where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know. Somewhere far away. And there are things I want to do, but honestly, I’m not sure right now.” Jeongguk’s voice is flat, but his gaze is focused on Taehyung, boring a hole into his heart.

“Far away. And you don’t want me to be there, with you?” Taehyung’s voice trembles.

Jeongguk flinches, hand reaching out towards Taehyung but stops in its track. He sighs and continues, “I’ve been thinking a lot lately. You know I don’t like to share my thoughts, they’re - not what people want to hear. But you deserve an explanation, once and for all.”

He wrings his hands and looks down, “Before I met you, ever since I was young, I’ve always had this feeling, a hunch, that I’m meant to be alone. Even when my parents ignored me, or when my last marriage didn’t work out, I never felt resentful. Hard to explain, but life just felt like a string of goals and expectations. And I figured that’s just what it is. Do the right thing, help people out, and it’s best that I stay away from relationships, since I’m so terrible at it…”

Taehyung can feel the sting in his eyes but he blinks it away and reaches out to touch Jeongguk’s arm, “but you’re not terrible at it, you just have your ways. I’ve always felt cared for, even when you’re not around…” his voice cracks but hand clings onto the arm, trying to pour his warmth into him.

“That’s ‘cause you don’t know you deserve better.” Jeongguk looks at him fondly. “And you do, Tae, so much. You deserve someone that’s here for you, always and forever. I wish I’m that person, want to give you the whole world, but I can’t even promise you I’d be back…”

He frowns, the pain in his eyes piercing straight through Taehyung’s heart. So Taehyung responds, exposing his thoughts, raw and vulnerable, “I can wait? You know, I used to get irritated when you asked me what I truly wanted. But now that I’ve had time to myself, I know the answer now.” He smiles, timidly, with a hint of sadness. “I want a home, want to belong, more than anything else. And you are the only home I’ve ever known, the only person that puts me at peace...”

“I’m sorry - I can’t…” Jeongguk averts his gaze, but continues, trying hard to verbalize his thoughts. “I feel like all my life, I've been chasing after the wrong things. Things that matter to others maybe, but no longer to me. And I've been too scared to admit it, that I've been living without thinking. Living to do the right thing, but what is the right thing...”

“Maybe nobody knows what's the right thing. You’ve worked so hard for so long, surely it means something.” Taehyung ignores the despair bubbling up on the inside, and struggles to keep his voice neutral.

“You don’t understand. It’s like - the harder I try, the deeper I sink in, can't get out, can't even tell anymore why I do the things I do. Hurtful things, things that I know are wrong, that I want no part of. But the scary part is, it's easy to ignore how I feel, to be in denial and keep going. Easier to work harder than to stop.”

“Why?”

“Because -” Jeongguk grimaces, pushing the words out of himself slowly, “- stopping hurts people, change means accepting defeat, accepting that I have failed and need to start from scratch. And I felt too old for that, people at my age don't just throw everything away and start fresh, that's a luxury for the young, for someone just starting in life. People depend on me, trust me with their lives. It's a selfish thing for me to chase after a feeling.”

They both turn silent for a moment, the weight of his words lingers in the air. As gratifying as it is to finalize hear Jeongguk’s fears out in the open, a loud voice echos on Taehyung’s mind, making his jaw tense and palms sweaty:

this can’t be the end, it cannot...

Jeongguk’s voice snaps him out of the spiraling thoughts, “I’m so sorry, Tae, I need to let it all go, to really give myself the permission to be free, to just be. I always wondered if I was living vicariously through your youth. But I finally understand it now -“ he places his hand over Taehyung’s, “- it was never a mistake that we met. You taught me that love just comes naturally, whether I’m ready or not. And it’s the most beautiful thing, makes me hopeful, question my own life. I never dared to wish for a fresh start…”

Jeongguk breathes a deep sigh out, as his shoulders slump. And Taehyung notices something in his gaze, something he’s never noticed before - relief, like a spring finally unwinding and letting go. Jeongguk’s voice is grateful, “thank you, thank you for everything.”

Mist blurs Taehyung’s vision. He wants to scream, to beg for Jeongguk to stay, to ask if he’s done anything wrong. But he doesn’t, because in a way, deep down inside, he’s always felt it, knew this was coming. Their path has always meant to be a full circle, ending right back where it started. Except so much has happened in between, and they are no longer who they were before. Both for the better, yet apart.

The tears fall stubbornly, despite his best effort to blink them away, big salty drops that soak through his shirt and cannot be stopped. His words are whisper quiet, “I don’t want to talk you out of it. If it means this much to you… I just wish, that you didn’t choose to do this alone, giving up on us...”

Jeongguk’s hand is by his cheek, thumbing the tears away, the warmth radiating onto his skin, “I’m sorry. I just… I have to be sure what I want is truly what I want, not living out someone else’s expectation again. Tae, I feel like time is running out and this is my last chance, only chance in life. I’m sorry, if only we met at a different time - ”

And that’s when he spots it, the tears welling up in Jeongguk’s eyes. It shakes him to the core, watching the usually calm and collected Jeongguk unravelling, words stuttered and breath ragged. In the dim light of the living room, he looks pale and defeated. There are creases on his forehead and wrinkles by his eyes, and Taehyung feels his heart tremble at the sight of it all.

It hurts him more than the ache in his own heart, this sight, the look of sorrow in Jeongguk’s eyes. Before he can make sense of everything, his arms reach out for an embrace. Taehyung screws his eyes shut and sinks into the hug, willing for the moment to never end. His lips quiver as the familiar scents hit him, the cedar shampoo, the warm notes of Jeongguk’s skin, it’s all so overwhelming but he takes it in, inhaling it deeply, committing it all to memory.

All the anguish, the loneliness, the fear of rejection and the silent yearning that span years, all distilled into one single moment. Taehyung swallows it all, gulping it down and exhaling deeply, finally understanding what the moment calls upon him to do.

He loosens the embrace and faces Jeongguk. As he wipes the tear stains away, his voice takes on a different tone, low and determined, “I’ve always known something was off. sometimes it's as if every breath you take is strained. And it's painful to watch and not be able to do a thing about it, not being let in.” A sign, as their eyes meet, “You know, I wish this was more about both of us. That somehow we could decide on how it should end together. I won’t lie to you - I hate all of this, hate you for keeping everything away from me until the very end… how I wish I could’ve shared your burden with you right from the beginning, that it all started differently...”

He worries his lips between his teeth, brows furrowed, “and I hate how I can’t even hate you properly, because even when you push me away, when you are gone and I feel alone and useless, I - ” his words stumble but he pushes forward, not knowing when he’ll get to say them ever again, “- I still love you. I hate how damn much I love you. But at least I’ll have that to myself, even if you can’t reciprocate it, even if nothing comes out of it and this is the end and I’ll never see you again - ”

“Don’t - ” Taehyung hears Jeongguk’s rasp, as his lips reach in and graze Taehyung’s cheeks, kissing the wetness away, “-please, Tae. Please.”

The words are pushed out of Jeongguk, whispered into Taehyung’s skin, making him shiver, “I love you too. I’m sorry that I’ve been such a coward, in denial for so long. I’ve loved you ever since I’ve known you.”

The words are distant, like whispers in a trance. And Taehyung’s mind is dazed, half between love and rejection, too stunned to accept either.

What he’s always wanted to hear, what he’s been waiting for, from the one that matters the most, yet it’s uttered right at the moment of farewell.

His lips curl into a bitter little smile. The emptiness in his heart makes him realize that it no longer matters. It was never about reciprocity. His love, in the end, has always been about giving. It was, and will always be completely out of his control, the surrender of his heart, to the one that made him who he is.

Taehyung sighs, and continues, “let’s make a deal, Guk. I can deal with the breakup. And I’ll try to move on, to explore and be independent and on my own, as you have always asked me to do. But I need you to promise me something..”

“Yes.”

Taehyung stares into his eyes, “promise me that if you are ever satisfied with your search, that you will try to come back to me. I don’t know where I’ll be and what will become of us then, but I want to be there for you. I know you’re fine being alone, but everyone deserves a place where they belong, you taught me that.”

Jeongguk rasps, voice shaky from anguish and guilt, “Tae, you don’t have to - you don’t have to promise anything… You gain nothing out of this, I don’t want you to feel attached to something that may never be…”

“I want to. You can’t stop me from loving you. The love is mine to give, and it’ll always be there, in one way or another. So stop fighting me and go do your thing, make it count. But try to find your way back, please? Remember that you are loved and needed…”

Taehyung finds his fingers reaching to rest by the side of Jeongguk’s face, slowly tracing every curve, as he closes his eyes and wills himself to remember every detail of the moment. Every touch, every glance, the goodbye he refuses to say properly.

They stay together for a long time, in silence, neither wanting to let go, but both being so very aware of the final moment slipping by them silently, as time always does. For many years after that day, Taehyung can vividly picture every detail of the moment. But he suppresses the memory every time it floats back onto his mind, halting the onrush of thoughts the second they appear.

Sometimes, it’s the only thing you can do with memories too painful to recall yet too precious to erase. Not all of them are meant to be forgotten. Some are to be carried with you forever, along with the dull ache of the heart that will always linger.