Namjoon may be one of the guys that I had the longest conversation with, but he’s definitely not the member I could hang with comfortably. Of course, I’d be most comfortable around Yoongi. But out of the rest of the members, I’d rather discuss this issue with Jimin since I think he’s the closest one to Yoongi. Namjoon is so intimidating. The way he talks, the way he walks, the way he dresses, and the way he thinks make me believe that he is different from me and most of the people I’m acquainted with. He’s in a different league and I’m totally out of that.

Sure, I was nonchalant when I first met him, but it was in an unequal situation. It was just the two of us walking in the middle of the night, and I was about to cry. We started walking from their dorm to a nameless park, full of neglected plants and rusted playground, as he talked about how Yoongi reacted to the past disputes within their group. It was pretty much a long walk, therefore Namjoon had a lot to say about Yoongi’s anger habits (if that’s how it’s supposed to be called). He tends to hurt the other party but always end up just hurting himself by throwing his fist on the wall or throwing the nearest object around him.

“Ahreum, wanna drink?” Namjoon asked when he noticed I was just nodding along to his account. He must have figured I couldn’t talk to him in a deeper sense, and that I needed booze in order to do that. Well, I really needed something to drink so I concurred to his idea.

He left me sitting on one of the swings for a short moment and immediately came back with a bag full of soju. He opened one bottle of soju and passed it to me before getting himself another one. It was my first time drinking a soju straight out of its bottle, I didn’t even know people could do that. Culturally, we’re supposed to take shots since it’s pretty strong. But that, Namjoon said he does it most of the time so we’re chugging sojus while we can.

“Are you allowed to do this?” I asked after taking a few gulps of the ridiculously bitter drink. God, I hate the taste of it, but I love reverie it gives. “It’s so late, you’re still awake, out with a random girl, drinking soju from its bottle.”

“We’re not,” he chuckled and looked up the sky, his dimples showed once again and I couldn’t help but stare at it. “But it’s not every day that I got to drink alcohol and stargaze at the same time.”

“Aren’t you tired tho?”

“No, I’m used to this hectic life.” He drank a small amount from his bottle of soju. “Don’t worry. Tomorrow is our day off after a long week of work. That’s why we were celebrating with instant noodles.”

“And I ruined that.” I sighed. The event flashed back in my mind and I felt embarrassed again. “I’m sorry.”

“I heard you say that phrase for a huge amount of times tonight,” he grinned. “Stop it.”

I kept silent. I was supposed to say sorry again but he didn’t want to hear that anymore so I just drank more.

I used to watch my father drink soju as water so as a child, I thought it would taste something like chocolate. I was probably 9 when I snuck in my parents’ room just to steal a bottle of soju from their mini fridge. I hid the bottle in my school bag and had it with me throughout the whole school hours. I was so excited to get home and finally know how sweet it could be. But to my disappointment, it tastes like . I didn’t understand why he likes it so much.  But as I grew up and actually had the privilege to get to know the drink more, I learned why it has been vital to people, especially the damned. Quaintest thoughts and queerest fancies are perceived, that’s what a famous poet once said about beers. And yes, it also works that way with sojus.

“My friends and I worked on a mixtape for months,” I began when I have already collected the strength I needed to speak up to Namjoon. “It was . Not because the songs per se are horrible, but the quality is just so goddamned ed. It was like, garage rock was fused into hip hop. Garage hip hop, if that exists.”

Namjoon did not say anything, but I knew he was listening as he nodded along. He did not really drink much from his bottle of soju, he would only take a sip every other 10 minutes while I chug as much amount as I can, which is a really horrible idea since it felt like my throat was burnt.

“Well, there were 70 copies and my friend left me 20. I don’t know what they’re gonna do with the other 50. Like, half of it is probably gonna be given away on a children’s concert but I don’t know where the rest is going.”

“Children’s concert?” He snickered.

“Dickids,” I answered. “They’re literally babies rapping about drinking and smoking.”

He laughed. I thought he doesn’t know who they are since Namjoon is in a different level of the scene, but he countered what I said. “Not all of them,” he said.

“Anyway, I tried selling it. I displayed it on our counter and kinda promoted it by playing the songs in the shop. But no one really took interest on them. Like, the only person who purchased one is my co-worker and he did it out of pity.” I exhaled and drank more from my bottle. “I was crushed so I ran to your place and hoped to get my together.

“You know, before Yoongi came into my life, I was okay with where I was.” I smiled just to show Namjoon I’m okay talking about it when in fact, tears were starting to collect in my eyes and I was just being careful so they won’t fall. “If I end up being a waitress forever, fine by me. I’ll just continue making songs with my ty equipment and give mixtapes away to people who won’t really listen to ‘em. Believe it or not, that made me happy. But then he walked in my life and there was a ray of hope. I became so optimistic about everything. I expected different turn of events in my life but this happened and I think everything’s just gone. Now it feels… empty. I lost my only opportunity.”

He caught my glistening eyes and that’s when tears started rolling down my cheeks. He pulled his handkerchief out of his pocket then handed it to me. I didn’t want to take it at first because I was feeling diffident so I quickly wiped my tears with my pullover’s sleeves. But that only made him snag my hand to put the piece of cloth in my hand.

“You turned down BigHit, not Yoongi,” He reached for my back and gave me a few gentle pats. “To me, BigHit has been pernicious. The policies are absurd. Makes me sometimes acknowledge that I’ve lost my own life. But what can I do? I’ve already signed a contract with the devil. Yoongi and I feels the same. We make ourselves believe that it’s an ecstatic and prosperous life, as what others see it. I think he’ll understand your decision. He’s just too overwhelmed with what happened so he’s acting that way.”

“I don’t think he will.”

“I know him well enough, he won’t leave you in the dark.”

~~~

“Why are we going back to your dorm?” I leaned on the headrest of the seat in front of me, in hopes that my brain would stop twisting my vision. Namjoon and I consumed three bottles of soju each, I felt like dying while Namjoon was drunk but sort of doing fine. He was in that state where his words are already slurred and he laughs at almost everything he encounters, which gets pretty annoying.

“Where will we take you then?” Taehyung sat two feet away from me, his eyes were fixed on the window on his side. He was wearing a hoodie and a pajama, and his hair was still a mess. It seemed like he just got up from bed, which he really did.

I stated my whole address but before I even finish the whole address, the car stopped.

“Too late, we’re here,” Seokjin announced.

I took a peek at the clock on dashboard and it surprised me to see that it was already 3AM. I did not really realize how fast time flied, I thought Namjoon and I were in that lonely park for only a short amount of time. I guess I had fun with Namjoon. I started crying and we began sharing each other’s problems, and ended up talking about things that didn’t make any sense.

“You really know how to be a bothersome,” Seokjin told Namjoon as he tried to help Namjoon walk. Well, Namjoon didn’t really need someone to carry some of his weight, he could walk on his own. He just couldn’t control his loud voice and laugh.

I was the one who needed the help. I could walk but I couldn’t do it straight. My world was spinning, it was hard for me to keep in balance. I only needed some support, but Taehyung crouched down in front of me once I got out of Seokjin’s car. He didn’t say a word, he just gestured for me to hop on.

“No way,” I said.

“Is turning a help down really your thing?” he muttered. I sighed and sneered before I hop on his back. Of course Namjoon laughed when he saw me on Taehyung’s back, but Taehyung just gave him a stare, which shut him up. Taehyung was too grumpy, I almost didn’t recognize him. He’s known for being bubbly but I guess everyone could get pissed off when bothered by drunk kids in the middle of the night. Seokjin and Taehyung were undeniably sullen because Seokjin hasn’t slept just to wait for Namjoon and Taehyung was forced to get up when Namjoon made a phone call.

I did not want to make a big deal out of it but for the record, Taehyung’s hair smelled like jasmine and honey. Not that I smelled it on purpose, the scent was just too bold to ignore.

“Lay her down on my bed then you can go back to sleep,” Seokjin instructed to Taehyung as soon as we got in their dorm. I watched him pull Namjoon to another room to put the intoxicated to bed, leaving Taehyung responsible to me.

Seokjin did not think it through because when Taehyung and I get in their room and got a glimpse of Yoongi, I was reminded of all the things that I’ve been worrying about. I pretended like I didn’t see Yoongi so Taehyung could leave right away. He crouched down so I could get off him.

“Thank you,” I said as I slightly bowed.

“Go to sleep right away, don’t cause any more trouble,” Taehyung ran his hand through his hair as he yawned. “Good night,” he said before closing the door behind him.

The room was suddenly filled with silence and my ear started to generate a high-pitched frequency. It’s the most annoying thing ever. I used to be so scared of silence because of that phenomenon. The first time it happened to me, I curled up in my bed and started crying, I thought I was sick. Then I figured that it’s normal and it happens to everyone.

I closed my eyes and hoped I’d go to sleep right away. I tried to clear my mind from all the worries and doubts I have, but it isn’t that easy. The night is the best time for anxiety to creep in an individual’s mind. Well, I learned how to prevent that by doing a breathing exercise my mother taught me.

Breathe in through the nose.

Count to seven.

Breathe out through the mouth.

Repeat until asleep.