One of the hardest parts of being a struggling artist is the lack of trust and support of the people around you. I’m already tired of hearing people say “You’ll never make it,” “Be a little more practical,” and “It won’t make you rich.” And I’m also tired of saying “I don’t care.”

Of course, like most parents would think, I’m wasting my life. Dropping out of college, moving out of the house, rapping on the streets, making music and pretends I’m Dean or Zico; my parents hates it whenever I tell them how I’m doing right now. They think I’m full of , they think I lost it.

Having an older brother who is good at almost everything does not really help. He’s a doctor, I’m a waitress. He graduated college, I dropped out. He earns much more than what I earn. He has enough money to spoil my parents, I can barely afford my rent. Whenever we sit together with my parents, I’d wish he’d go back to USA and study again so I won’t have to attend our monthly dinner. But still, I feel safer when he’s around. He’s protective and supportive, he’s the family I really need.

“I brought cake,” I held the cake up once the door opened.

“Since when did you have money for pastries?” Mom moved aside so I could get in the house.

“I work in a coffee shop, remember?” I answered, pretending I wasn’t offended. “They sell cakes. My boss thought my parents did a good job raising me, so he thought my parents deserve a cake.”

All I heard from my Mom was a sigh, meaning “Can’t you do anything better?” She followed me as I made my way to the kitchen. I placed the cake on the table, where my Dad preparing the food, and greeted him. He gave me a nod before asking my mom to pass the parsley to him.

I walked to the living room and let myself fall down the couch. I had to think of good news to tell my parents; news that would actually please them. You see, not all good news I receive sound good to them. I could be jumping out of happiness by receiving a gig invitation but that would make them more frustrated and disappointed. They hate watching me rap, they hate reading my lyrics, they hate hearing my music. And those made me hate them. I mean, of course, they are my parents and I’m thankful they gave birth to me, so I love them in a way a person would love his or her parents. But the fact that they stop me from living the way I want makes me feel like they are stopping me from living at all, so I hate it whenever they say bull.

A girl came running down the living room. She was laughing so hard, she could barely breathe. She was barefoot, but was wearing a really nice dress. She does not look Korean; she has a bit of a darker complexion compared to most Koreans and has a pretty, round, slanted, eyes. Probably Japanese. Her black hair was tied up in a bun, giving more emphasis to the shape of her face.

“Don’t you ever do that again!” She screamed in between her laughs as she looked up the stairs. Her Korean is good, but you can tell by her accent that she isn’t native.

She stopped laughing when she found me looking blankly at her, she didn’t seem surprised tho. She stood straight and bowed. “Good evening, I’m Yui.”

“I’m Yook Ah Reum,” I slowly greeted back, watching my brother go down the stairs.

“Ah, you’re the sister.” She grinned, she knew what my name means and she knew if it really fit me at all. But she also knew how to respond nicely so she said, “Your name fits you, you’re beautiful.”

I looked down, feeling a bit embarrassed. I knew she didn’t really mean that. I don’t get it a lot from people. They just cringe whenever I tell them my name. Because basically, I’m not as beautiful as my name suggests.

Jae Hyun wrapped his arms around her waist. “Did she mention that she’s my girlfriend?”

“She didn’t, and you never mentioned her before,” I raised my brows, waiting for him to tell me more about her but he just pursed his lips. He dated a few girls already, but he never said anything about them to us. I’d just find out about them when everyone already knows and when he starts posting pictures of the girl on his SNS. We’re closer than it sounds, he just don’t talk much when it comes to his love life because it’s one of the few things he’s not good at.

Our mother called us for dinner. Usually, I’d sit on my usual spot, which is beside my brother. But we had a guest, and it was the very first girl my brother brought at home, so my mother told me to sit beside her instead so the girlfriend would feel a little more comfortable since she’ll be sitting beside my brother.

Obviously, my parents love her. She’s also a doctor, went to college with my brother, graduated with a Latin honor, and loves studying. In fact, she’s in South Korea just to study in SNU. I don’t know what degree she’s taking, I stopped listening because I hate it whenever we start talking about college.

“Jae Hyun told me that you make music.” My parents stopped and looked vexed. I was trying to avoid talking about what I do but Yui sounded interested, only few people ask me about my career so I stopped worrying about my parents and let Yui be enlightened about my music.

“Yeah, kinda,” I nodded. “I already sold a few songs. Though I don’t make much money out of it, it’s fun doing what I love.”

My father shook his head and just continued eating. He has done numerous things for me to stop ing around and go to college to get a real job, but nothing worked. He’d always say, “I didn’t know raising a girl would be troublesome.”

My mother quickly changed the topic and asked questions about Yui and her family, since they think that it would be more interesting and worth hearing than what I would have to tell, which is true by the way. She’s born in Osaka, but grew up in Massachusetts. Occasionally, she’d go back to Japan with her family just to visit their relatives, making her bilingual. Her father is a surgeon and her mother is a nurse, and obviously, they met at the hospital. She has three siblings; 2 brothers and 1 sisters. She’s the second child, and the eldest daughter. She learned Korean in college, that’s how she became friends with my brother. And now, she’s trying to learn Thai, which she thinks is a lot more difficult compared to Korean. She doesn’t play any instruments but she tried playing the violin, but it turned out that it’s not for her.

She’s the perfect girl for my brother. We all knew it at the moment she sat on the dining table with us.

“I’m driving you home?” my brother asked as he stack the empty plates and picking them up with both of his hands. “Or are you gonna stay here for the night?”

I cringed, he knows how much I hate staying at home with my parents. I scoffed, “Oh yeah, like I’d actually stay here.” He shook his head and walked in the kitchen to bring the dishes to Yui, who volunteered to do it.

I waited for my brother and his girlfriend in the living room. I was on my phone, reading random mysterious articles that would come interesting to me, when Mom sat down beside me and finally had a calm, sincere talk with me. She placed her hand on my lap, a gesture of care. She sighed before saying, “Your brother got himself a girl.”

“He’s a grown man,” I answered. She knows that, she knows my brother is old enough to get married and have kids. But of course, it would be hard for a parent to let her favorite child go. “Are you worried?” I kinda gave a hint of a laugh, for her to see that everything is cool, that it isn’t gonna be as bad as she thinks.

She shook her head, but I know she was lying. “I’m more worried about you,” she lifted her hand from my lap to my back and it, another gesture of care and also concern. Finally, I thought, I’m feeling Mom’s warm hand and words. She probably got a bit emotional after thinking of losing a child to a girl she barely even know.

“I’m okay, I’ll be living better than what you think I can,” I tried to sound confident, when anxiety was slowly crawling up into my brain. I’m anxious about the idea of living and surviving. If opportunities never come to me, I’ll end up being someone who ran away from home and ruined her life. There’s a bigger chance for me to never achieve success because, let’s face it, most people who chose this path didn’t.

“I’m not gonna ask you to go to college and get yourself a degree like what your brother did,” my mother gave me the warmest smile she hadn’t given me in years, and I felt the sincerity of her words as my brain processed them to touch my heart. “But I’m hoping that, like your brother, you’d find someone you deserve.”

I scoffed. Find someone I deserve? “Like… some dirtbag?” I honestly wasn’t aware that I said it out loud. But if I was gonna find someone I deserve, it’s gonna be not as good as the Japanese girl my brother bothered bringing to our family dinner.

“You’re better than that,” Mom replied with a sigh before standing up and walking out of the living room. I gotta admit, my response was rude. My mother just spoke the most heartfelt utterance she could tell me for the past years and I countered like it was some kind of joke.

“Sorry, Mom,” I said at the moment she was gone and the silence filled the room.