Prepare yourself for a boring chapter. Since this chapter is mostly consist of Byul talking. But, I need to write this chapter before I can move on to the next plot that I have in mind.  Thank you.

“Let’s step in,” I said without turning my head to the two other girls behind me. With my hand tightly tucked inside my jeans pocket, I then took small, calculative steps toward the bed in the middle of the room.

I sat at the edge of the bed, causing it to dip slightly in, before taking Haneul’s hand into mine. Locking my gaze with her blank one, I then asked, “How are you, my sky?”

I laughed inwardly when I realized my own stupidity. Among so many other better question, how can I think of asking her ‘how are you’? When she is clearly laying on a freaking hospital bed with a tube that determined her lives and death, stuck into .

“Byul unnie, what happened to her?” Hyejin asked me timidly, without tearing her gaze away from Haneul.

I looked at the girl that was lying down on the bed and felt that my heart grew heavier with every second that passed. The small glint of happiness in her eyes is now gone, replaced with the blankness in her stare. The warm, comforting smile that used to linger on her face vanished, leaving her face to remain stoic. She changed, because of me, because I chose to leave.

“She’s just mad at me, because I broke one of my promises to her,” I lied while flashing a small smile. I don’t know whether to convince her or myself.

“Yongsun, Hyejin … you can make yourself comfortable while I have some talk with this sky of mine,”

They nodded and make their way to the sofa at the corner of the room. I Haneul’s hand up and gave the back of her palm a lingering peck with my eyes never leaving hers before placing it back down and caressed it with the pad of my thumb.

“How come you’re dead when your hand alone is this warm? They’re just messing with me, right? They’re just trying to make me drown in guilt, right?” I started of shakily. A big lump formed in my throat and I tried so hard to swallow it away. Drawing out a shaky breath, I then tightened my hold on her hand.

“I’m sorry, Haneul-ah,” I paused as I placed another peck on the back of her palm before holding it close to my cheek.

“I’m sorry that it took me a year before I finally had the courage to see you. And I’m sorrier for that night when I chose to leave. Haneul-ah, will things be different? If I chose to stay when you begged me to,”

FLASHBACK

I was about to drift into a deep slumber when I heard Haneul’s sweet voice calling my name. I opened my eyes only to see her laying on her belly next to me, with her chin placed on my chest and her arm around my waist.

“Do you think they’re mad at me?” she asked.

“Tell me who they are and why should they be mad at you?” I asked groggily as I rubbed my face with my palm to chase the sleepiness away. She turned her head side way, now leaning her cheek on my chest as she tightened her hold on my waist.

“My parents, do you think they’re mad at me? I mean, it was kind of my fault that they’re dead now,” I groaned hearing her reply. I’m seriously sick of this talk with her. I pat on her forearm telling her to remove it from my waist before shifted my position and lean on the headrest of the bed. I then proceeded to cup her cheek.

“Okay, we’ve talked about this for far too many times already. So tonight, I’m going to tell you this for the last time. I’m getting so sick of this self-blame talk,”

“Their death … is not your fault. You never planned for their death. A stupid bus crashed into your car and the accident killed both of your parents. You never took a kitchen knife out to stab right through their heart; neither did you pay the bus to crash into your car. Thus, your parent’s death is not and will never be your fault! So I’m sure, your sweet and understanding parents won’t be mad at you. Now, enough of your self-blame, let’s just go to sleep,”

She brought her right hand up and held my hand that was cupping her cheek before saying, “But, I should’ve done something. Then maybe, I’ll be the one dying and not them,”

I gritted my teeth and placed my hands that were cupping her cheek back on my laps when I felt a raging storm brewing inside of me. I yanked the quilt that was pooling at my waist aside and planted my feet on the floor before walking to the corner of the room and took my winter coat off of the hanger.

“Where are you going?” Haneul asked me anxiously when I slid the coat onto my body.

“Home,” I replied shortly while fixing the coat.

“Why?”

“Because I need to sleep and not fighting with you about you and your self-blaming ,” I answered roughly. My sleepiness and wariness from work really bring my temper to another level that night.

I was about to turn the doorknob to open the door when Haneul spoke from behind me, “Can’t you stay? I keep having these voices asking me to jump and kill myself. Can you stay and shut these voices up? They … they won’t listen to me,”

“I’ve kept two sleeping pills in your cabinet for this purpose. Just swallow the dam pills and go to sleep afterwards. Don’t think of doing anything weird. Three failed suicides this month alone is enough, don’t mark tonight as your fourth,”

“But,” I drew out a loud sigh before turning my heels and strode to her.

“Listen … I want to go home and I need to sleep. I’m sorry, but I promise to cook your breakfast tomorrow. So you better be alive tomorrow and tease me for wearing that stupid pink apron of yours or I’ll seriously hate you. Okay?” I said as my fingers tightly wrapped around her shoulders.

“Please, I beg you … don’t leave me,” she begged while clutching tightly to the front of my shirt. I pinched the bridge of my nose and drew out another sigh before looking down to her,

“Seriously, listen to me. Right now, I’m so tired. I’m tired of work … I’m tired of not having enough sleep … but most of all … I’m tired of you,” her hand naturally let go of my shirt after what I said.

“So please, let me go home and rest tonight. Let’s just see each other tomorrow,”

So I left, not expecting that she’ll listen to those evil voices. And not expecting that she’ll jump off from the third floor of her home. The worst thing was that it all happened right before my eyes.

FLASHBACK END

(Please listen to any sad song that you have in your playlist. But I wrote this while listening to Ailee – Goodbye My Love)

“I spent my days regretting and hating myself over that night when I chose to leave,”

“I hate that we spent our last night together with a fight. But I hate myself more, for saying I’m tired of you. Haneul-ah … I may be tired of anything, but I’m never tired of you, absolutely never. Then I regretted not staying, even when you begged me to. But most of all, I regretted not saying ‘I love you’ and give you a peck on your lips like I usually did before I walked out of the room,” my brows knitted when I tried hard to swallow the big lump in my throat.

“Haneul-ah … I don’t know if I’m still allowed to, but I miss you. I miss falling asleep to your sweet lullaby and waking up with you in my arms, breathe fanning my nape. Then I miss eating my breakfast with you on my laps, feeding me whatever food that we’re having while I’m reading the newspaper. I also miss the small fight we often had because you think French sounded way ier than British accent. But what I miss the most about you was … the little glint that you had in your eyes when I told you ‘I love you’. You see? These are the small things that I used to take for granted, thinking that I’ll have it forever. But now that it’s gone …” I trailed the last word before I stopped, purposely not finishing my sentence.

“I’m … I’m sorry … for everything. I swear I’d really go back in time and change it if I can, but sadly … I can’t. So, if the chain is on your door. I,” I inhaled shakily, “I understand,”

Then I saw it. A drop of tear fell from her left eye and weakly rolled down on her hollow cheek. Seeing that, a drop of tear unknowingly rolled down my cheek too. I let go of her hand in mine before I lifted my hand up and wiped my tear away before I wiped hers.

“They told me it is impossible, but a lady can hope too, right? So I hope you’re listening to me, because this might be my last chance to tell you this. Jung Haneul, I love you, not even a day passed with me not loving you. And I know I’ve said sorry for far too many times, but what I can do when I have far too many sin with you. I’m sorry, that you have to meet and fall in love with a jerk like me. I’m sorry that you have to meet me, among them. Last but not least, I’m sorry, but I think … I have to let you go. But I want you to know, that I’ll always think of you as the sky who hugged the moon all throughout its own darkness, I promise,” I then bent my body slightly forward and gave her forehead a peck. I then stood up straight and let my gaze to linger on her a while longer, memorizing all her features in my mind, before I turned my heels and left the room with Hyejin and Yongsun tailing silently behind me.

“Thank you. But, you can wait for me at the park right next to this building, I’ll just meet you there when I’m done here,” I told Youngsun before I walked into the room with the name ‘Kim Minseok’ written in bold at its door.

“Hey Minseokki, what is it you want to talk about?” I asked. He looked up from the document that he was reading and judging from his expressionless face, I got a hunch that I wouldn’t like whatever that he’s about to tell me.

“Have a seat Miss Moon,” and I did right as I was told. I sat at the chair right across from him and interlaced my fingers tightly together, right under the desk.

“I need to talk to you about the patient named Jung Haneul. Well you see, I’ve once talk about this to her one and only family member, Miss Jung Wheein, but she told me that any decision regarding the patient is on you. Hence, we’re having this talk today,” he said, not once taking his professional façade off. He pushed his glasses on the bridge of his nose up while clearing his throat before saying that one sentence that I wished I won’t have to hear forever.

“We’re stopping patient Jung Haneul’s life support,”

My breath hitched and my palm instantly turned sweaty. A few seconds passed with pregnant silence engulfing the room. I sat frozen on my seat, foolishly wishing for him to say that it was just a joke. Then a minute passed with him staring at me. So I know, I’m just wishing for the impossible.

“Will … I mean can she,” I stopped there, not sure of what should I ask.

“The life support is the only things that kept her alive up to today. Once we stop it, the patient may stay alive up to one hour, or maybe less,” Minseok calmly explained to me. My eyes turned blurry because of the tears and I clenched my shirt tightly to stop it from falling.

“So, what you’re trying to say is that we’re killing her by stopping that stupid machine?”

“Miss Moon, the machine that you saw next to her bed is not the only thing that keeps her alive; there are still a few others that help, and we’re stopping all of it. Furthermore, Miss Jung Haneul is long considered dead. A brain dead person is considered dead once brain death is declared. Maybe you should just this stupid reality up and freaking let her go. For her sake … and for your own,” Minseok uttered in frustration, finally breaking his own professional façade.

“She is not yet dead, Kim Minseok. Her hand still felt warm against mine and I swear I saw tears rolling down her cheek earlier. A dead person doesn’t cry,” I mumbled in denial. Minseok lets out a series of irritating sigh and interlaced his fingers on his desk.

“The living dead … that are what people like her are called.  They are living, yes, but there are no activities in her brain, which make them as good as dead. The so called tears that you saw, is actually a sign of irritated eyes. Brain dead doesn’t feel any emotion and they certainly doesn’t cry,” He paused and took a deep breath to calm himself before adding, “So Byul-ah, let’s just let her go. Keeping her for a longer time will just add to her misery. It is only in the matter of time before her tissues is infected,”

I was rendered speechless for a few moments before I finally give in.

“Just do what you have to do. But please, end her misery,” he nodded as he offered me a warm, comforting smile. But nothing is warm or comforting enough, not when you knew that you’re losing your love one. Regrets filled my heart as much as the tears filled my eyes.

“Maybe she should’ve chosen you back then. If only she chose you instead of me, then maybe things will turn out differently for her,” his expression then turned grim.

“Moon Byulyi, I’m actually glad that she chose you,” he smiled.

“After seeing her smile and hearing her laughter when she is with you, I’m actually glad that she chose you, Byul-ah. I don’t think I can make her eyes glint with so much happiness if she chose me neither do I think that I can make her laughter sounded so melodious. But you did it, I don’t know how, but you actually did it. You put that little glint of happiness in her eyes and you bring out the melody out of her laugh,” he stated as he stared right into my orbs. His eyes turned redder with every word that he uttered and the vein on his forehead was popping out because of his attempt to stop himself from crying.

“I’m sorry. But, Jung Haneul, that woman … I love her, I really do,” I said sincerely before standing up from my seat.

“I know and that is the very reason why I don’t and I can’t blame you,” he replied avoiding my gaze. I shook my head and turned my heels to get out of the stuffy room.

“Don’t you want to bid her goodbye? For the last time,” he asked from his desk when I was about to turn the knob.

I turned my head slightly and curved him a smile as I answered, “Just text me when you’re done. That girl hates goodbye more than anything in this world,” he chuckled. I pulled the door opened and walked out of the room with heaviness around my heart.

“Are you done? Are we going back home?” Yongsun asked me as soon as I sat beside her on the bench. I leant my back on the backrest and placed my head on her shoulder before closing my eyes.

“Let’s just sit here for a while longer,” I answered. She then patted the top of my head while muttering an ‘okay’.

“I really want to sleep right now. Can you sing me something?”

“Anything?” she asked and I nodded.

“Anything,”

Even if the way that I go is rough and far

I’m okay if you go with ne

When the morning sun shines on your way

I’ll tell you I’m happy

Even if I look around

The best thing is to stay with you

You who gives me happiness

Even if the road I go is rough and far

You’re the one who gives me happiness

(-solar : person who give happiness -)

I was about to fall asleep when I felt the vibration on my left thigh. I took my phone out and saw a text from Minseok. Knowing what he had to say, my heart beat faster and my fingers trembled.

“Byul. Are you okay?” Yongsun asked when she saw my condition. I lifted my head up from her shoulder and hand her my phone, “Please read the text for me. I don’t think I can do it,”

Despite being confused, she still took the phone from my hand and opened the text. Her breath hitched as her eyes widen. She turned her head to me and I gave her a small smile along with a little nod, urging her to read the text out loud.

“Patient, Jung Haneul. Time of death, 26 November 2016, 13;55p.m.”

“Let’s go home. I’m done here,” I said as I stood up and walked away from them.

I was a few steps ahead of Yongsun and Hyejin when I stopped. Standing in front of me was a faint shadow of Jung Haneul, wearing her favorite white dress and her hair braided neatly as she smiled warmly at me.

“Haneul-ah,” I mouthed. I don’t know if what happened next was just my imagination or if it real, but I think I heard her sweet voice talking to me.

“Byullie …. Moon Byulyi. I love you, but I’m sorry that I have to leave you. I never blamed you for leaving that night, but I blamed myself for being weak. I hope you’ll find a love greater than mine and I hope you’ll find that person who can give you happiness as much as you gave me. But more than anything, I hope you won’t hate me,”

“Please …. Please,” I begged, but I don’t know what I was begging for.

“Goodbye, Moon Byulyi,”

That was the last thing that I heard before her shadow disappear right before my eyes.

“Goodbye,” I muttered as I dropped onto my knees and my tears came flooding down my cheek. A pair of warm hand then came around me, trapping me into a warm embrace

“Kim Yongsun, t …” my sentence stop halfway when I noticed the white substance that fell on the back of my palm. It lingered there for a few second before my body warm melted it away. Then the next one dropped, and the same cycle happened.

“Waahh … it’s the first snow of the year,” Hyejin said in fascination. I tapped on Yongsun’s forearm and muttered ‘let’s really go home’ before both of us stood up. Yongsun was quick to circle her arm around my waist when my knees wobbled.

“Let’s have something warm back at home,” I said as we walk. And so, we left the hospital while deciding on what food we shall have.

‘Goodbye, Haneul-ah. Thank you for sending me a sun … Kim Yongsun. I promise I won’t hate you.’

I know I should’ve updated this chapter since few days ago. But I got so busy with life. XD … anyway, here’s your update …. please subscribe/vote/comment. Thank you.

P.s. Mamamoo is coming back on June 22. Are you excited?