ix. "The Flight"

“Take flight, jump and let death embrace you because feeling free was worth it.”

The alarm had gone off, and the noise slowly made its way into Jungkook’s dream. His mind depicted a flight, a free fall where he could feel the thin air become so tangible at his fingerprints and hear the whistling of plane engines.

He was flying, white fluffy clouds that looked like stretched cotton laid below him as he extended his arms and flew freely in the sky. His eyes closed and a smile shaped with freedom embedded into his visage.

The only problem was, he had no wings.

His arms were extended, but made no effort to flap and keep his body hoovering and flying. He had no feathers that coated a perfect wing that will grant him the power to take flight. No, he wasn’t flying.

He was falling.

There was nothing that held him up, it was a complete skydive where he was just hit with air and was pushed down by gravity itself. The clouds didn’t seem to get closer, but there was a pressure in his stomach and his heart was falling off, racing.

He was falling, and with no wings, death was to come for him. And he was prepared for it. He was prepared to hug it, hold death’s hand and shake it firmly. Because this feeling, the feeling of being free, of nothing holding him back or weighing him down, was worth giving up his life.

But just as he felt like embracing death, letting the calming fall cause his skin to turn hard and his mind to relax, the alarm took it all away. It nearly felt like chains rushing towards him, tightening around his torso and simply keeping him from falling any further.

Essentially, his freedom, was completely taken once more.

“Make it stop,” he mumbled, his voice slightly weak and whining straight into his pillow, the alarm continuing to go off.

The sound irritated him, it made him feel like everything that was wrong with his life was due to that dam alarm crying it’s heart out, waiting for attention. He felt no desire to move, to get up and give it the attention it is screaming for, his body felt numb.

He whimpered slightly, digging his head into his pillow as he pulled the covers closer to him, the warmth from the blankets hugging him, cradling his numb body. He wanted to go back, to go back into that dream where he felt free, where he was finally free. He didn’t care if he would hug death, the feeling of suffocation was worth it.

The feeling of suffocation. His mind begun to think about it, how suffocated he feels in his clean-cut tie and ironed work suit. He begun to recall how painful those imported shoes felt on his feet that ached to dance like he once did. He begun to feel the air ten times harder to grasp thinking on how trapped he was.

This was his life, chained down to a company and the chain itself was made out of his last name and mixed with his blood. And no one, no body, had the key to set him free.

He was meant to live his life like this, to wake up every morning to that awful alarm and put on his prisoner uniform, a polished designer suit. He could never make his dream come true, he could never know the feeling of simply having nothing to hold him down.

It doesn’t have to be like this, this inner voice told him, whispered wickedly inside his mind as his body anxiously felt a shiver consume him. He opened his eyes, staring directly at the wall, his face unwavering as his eyes let out a small tear.

It will never change, he reassured himself, knowing very well that he can’t do anything. And this only served to hollow out this empty feeling inside of him.

He stared at the wall, feeling no hope nor happiness, feeling no reassurance of tomorrow. He didn’t move, and he simply breathed in and out, wondering what part of his mind was correct. But it only set another tear rolling down his cheek.

Take flight, the wicked voice told him, this is the second floor, it continued. His heart raced, he begun to feel the air harder and harder to breath as his hand desperately clung into the warm sheets.  

He didn’t know what happened, but he wasn’t staring at his wall anymore. He was staring at the city far away that was painted with a bright blue sky. His hands grasping the balcony as this feeling tighten around his heart.

Take flight, the voice told him and it never felt so right. No more pain, no more suffocation, just freedom. It felt ideal, especially since his body ached and throbbed in agony. It was easy, feeling the chilly spring wind rolling through like hills.

He always loved the feeling of the wind against his skin, but he didn’t feel the love at the moment. He didn’t feel the pleasure he gets seeing that bright blue sky looking down at him, he didn’t feel the sun sink into his skin. The pleasure of a nice morning was gone, and all he could feel was this deep empty feeling that was filling up with negativity.

“Jungkook, come take your medicine,” the head house keeper spoke, her voice reaching out into the balcony as she made her way into the room.

She didn’t just walk in, Jungkook didn’t notice when she knocked. He was in a trans, looking out into the distance with no sense of pleasure reaching him, it made sense that he didn’t notice. At least to him.

The house keeper sat down a tray, it had a bottle of water dancing on the metal tray and a bottle of medication he’s been taking for years now. It isn’t something that he has to take frequently, he actually never read the prescription, but the house keeper always seems to bring them when he feels the most empty and has no reason to even get up in the mornings.

His hands didn’t want to let go of the railing, better yet, he felt like he ripped his hands away from the railing as the voice was telling him to just go now. Take flight, jump and let death embrace you because feeling free was worth it. It preached, but he didn't listen. 

“Yein should be out soon, why don’t you take a hot shower when she comes out. Breakfast will be served in half an hour, I made bacon and pancakes, your favorite,” she spoke, her voice delicate and caring.

Her soft and warming hand ran through Jungkook’s messy locks as he took the medication. He always enjoyed feeling the house keeper ruffle his hair like that, in a caring and motherly way. It was warming and built his strength that at least someone cared.

But not even that morning, could he feel warmth. He instead felt annoyed and fed up with the gesture, he didn’t need to be coddled like some three-year old child. He didn’t need to do as he is told, so he simply tossed the bottle onto the floor, once he closed the cap, and reached for his bed.

He crawled on the mattress that’s morphing to his shape and the warm blankets that were losing their heat. And he simply felt his body relax and melt into the sheets and he found the wall. How many times has he woken up to stare at that wall with desperation, he lost count.

But it was a wall that stared back at him, blankly and plainly, and it was the perfect wall to remind him that is how his life will always be, plain and blank. And he will forever wake up to see it.

He closed his eyes, feeling like his heart was falling out as its pace quicken. He wanted to return to that dream, to that fall where he could be free. He never felt so desperate to feel this way, and it all made his body stiffen and clung onto the bed sheets a little tighter.

He dozed off again, feeling no reason to get up, to go on about his routine and parading himself in the house. He felt like doing nothing, and he felt so useless because he can’t do anything at all. He can’t even take control of his own life, and the thought weight heavy on his brain and he simply took in one last breath before falling back asleep.

This time, he wasn’t dreaming. He was simply sleeping.

Yein walked out of the bathroom, worried and concerned that Jungkook seemed so out of his regular persona. He was still in bed, clung onto the bed sheets and sleeping soundly with tear stained cheeks.

She saw the water bottle on the ground, it was half way done. She begun to rub her damp hair with the light blue towel and with her free hand, pick up the bottle and placed it on the tray. The plastic bottle on the tray catching her attention.

It was medication, she reached for it and noticed that it had Jungkook’s name written on it. It was peculiar, Mr. Jeon didn’t mention anything about a disease or medical problem last night. That is a major thing to know if they were going to live together for the rest of their lives.

She scrunched her brows, holding the bottle with two hands as the pills tumbling onto the walls of the bottle and made and loud-crashing sound. She read over the name, and knew she’s never really heard of the drug, but she had an assumption as to what it was.

She took a business psychology class, it was designed specifically for the work environment in the business world. And she oddly recalls the drug being mention in one of her books. 

“Ms. Jung, breakfast will be serves shortly. Did Mr. Jeon fall back asleep?” The house keeper returned, her voice slightly nervous as she approached the young girl with a timid smile.

“I assume so, we should let him rest. You came for these, I assume,” Yein spoke, her voice soft and sincere as she smiled.

Without waiting for a response, Yein turned around and placed the bottle of medication on the tray, and simply and swiftly, took the tray and handed it over to the house keeper.

The woman simply smiled, bowing as she was accepting the tray and said a polite thank you. Before turning around, she simply looked at Jungkook’s body, buried in his covers and smiled in a rather apologetic manner.

Jungkook staid where he was, buried in his covers and making a permanent dent into his mattress. He woke up an hour later, but with no motivation to get up at all. He woke up to the sound of a vacuum cleaner roaring throughout the room across from his.

His father and his step-mother were off to church, and like always, he never bothered going. God could no longer save him, he thought, if the man wanted to, Jungkook would be smiling and living the life he wanted.

He can’t be saved, he thought but then he felt his nose sting and his eyes begin to fall heavy with tears. From what does he need saving? He asked himself, a knot forming into his throat as he finally felt something for the first time that morning, desperation.

He felt suffocated and that everything was choking him, but he didn’t know where the feeling derived from or caused it. He just knew he felt like he was tied to two stone bricks that were dragging him down into the bottomless-dark ocean, and he was drowning.

“You need to realize you’re not as alone as you may feel at times,” the voice echoed in his head as the words clung onto his heart. They fell heavy on his chest as he felt hot tears roll down his cheeks and stain his pillow, he felt so alone and hopeless.

For the first time since he woke up, he subconsciously moved, at his own awareness and all. He tossed on his bed, reaching for his phone and simply dialing the number of the club he was at last night. He wasn’t all too aware of what he was doing and why he was doing it, he just felt so empty and alone and maybe, just maybe, the call can make it all go away.

“Kingdom Club, this is Minsung, how may I help you today?” The same person answered him, the same voice and the same personality always seemed to answer his calls.

“Can you connect me with Cinderella?” He asked, his voice slightly rough and dry as he was trying to sound normal.

He was trying hard to talk as if this empty and throbbing feeling wasn’t clinging onto his heart and his stomach. But he wasn’t so sure he was doing a good job.

“Cinderella? Let me see if she is still here, she only works Sunday mornings, who am I asking for?” The girl spoke, her voice slightly troubled as if she needed to double check something.

“Mr. Jeon,” he responded, his voice fading away as he turned back to stare at that wall.

Only few seconds passed by, but they felt dreadful and painfully silent. Jungkook felt like his breath was harder and harder to catch and there was a slight moment he actually forgot to breath.

“She is here, let me transfer your call,” the girl spoke, her voice sounding distant to Jungkook’s mind.

Everything felt so distant, everything felt like it was far away and out of his grasp, out of his sight. He felt like he was small and incapable of being noticed by his surroundings. It was almost a feeling of being unimportant and unreal.

“Mr. Jeon, is everything okay?” She asked, her polite and worrisome voice feeling like it was drawing Jungkook into reality.

It was weird, Jungkook’s mind made him feel like he wasn’t real, like he was fading away from the real world. But her voice made him realize he could still feel the bed sheets and that blank wall was still staring directly at him.

“I didn’t know who to call, I don’t know why I feel so,” he paused, not knowing how to finish the lines because his mind was all over the place, “empty,” he finally settled on a word.

“How long have you felt like this?” She asked, her voice raising in speculation and concern as she was not to thrilled at hearing such an response.

“I don’t know, I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t know what is happening and I never told anyone and I just thought back to what you say, you didn’t want me to feel alone and-” his voice begun to thin out as pure emotions begun to seep into his voice and take over.

He was choking up as all the feelings he wasn’t so sure were there, somehow made their presence known. He wasn’t aware of what he was feeling, nor how to describe this, he just knew he felt like he was hopeless and there is no emptier feeling than hopelessness.

“Mr. Jeon, I don’t want you to feel alone and I have a feeling that you will feel like this for a while, it’s an emotion that doesn’t just grab you for a minute and then lets you go,” she spoke, her voice soft and firm, she needed to cut into his mumbles in the nicest manner.

“What do I do?” he asked, his throat clinging onto words as it as becoming hard to swallow.

“Lay down, keep breathing and let me tell you a story. All you have to do is listen, you don’t have to say anything. All you need to keep thinking is that I’m here,” she spoke, the sound of a a car door slamming shut echoing in the background.

His dog made its way into his room, the vacuum cleaner scaring the poor creature into his bed. The dog simply jumped on top of his body, simply begun to his face as if he was some teat, but he was whipping the tears away.

“Let me start by telling you the story of how I nearly got my TA fired,” she spoke, her voice becoming light hearted and full of energy as she started to talk about how she nearly got her teacher’s assistant fired her freshman year.

Jungkook simply listened, the dog calming down as he felt no sort of joy seeing his precious pet. But the dog must have sensed it, and simply calmed down on its own as laid on his chest. His paws tucked under his head as he looked at Jungkook attentively.

As the hostess went on about the metallic ball incident that nearly got someone fired, Jungkook finally got the urge to reach over and begin to scratch Sky’s ear, the way he likes it. And although that feeing didn’t leave, hearing the hostess talking and simply holding the pet, made the loneliness less apparent.

The feeling is one that can’t be ignored, and will surely never leave him in the span of a second, like the hostess said. But it could become less noticeable, if his mind is occupied, it could be less apparent and that is why she kept on talking about anything and everything.

Story after story, she kept on talking. Never stopping and never letting Jungkook feel like he had to respond. Jungkook didn’t even notice that she was nearly breaking a fundamental rule, she wasn’t supposed to disclose anything from her personal life.

But for the sake of helping him, she pulled stories that she was sure weren’t going to be directly breaking club rules. She pulled stories that couldn’t make it obvious as to who she was, because that was the entire point of the rules.

And for the day, with her boring stories, made him feel less lonely.

There you have it, chapter 9 and we are getting a little serious.

It is worth noting that Yein doesn’t know the medication is anti-depressants, like the last chapter hinted.

I simply decided to disclose that so that you are not confused in this chapter, where depression simply hits Jungkook.

Hint! Depression is a part of his mental illness.

Remember I said he has a mental illness/problem. I will be dropping hints like this but I will never say what it is bluntly until it’s time to reveal it.

So, we have a lot to look forward to. Happy reading!!