[M] Rating: There are some topics here that I think deserve a warning.

Topics dealing with mostly self-harm. I would rate the chapter M but I don't think it is graphic for that rating. 

So please, if you are sensitive to this topic or topics related to it, don't read this chapter, the next chapter will give you a brief summary

xiv. " The Jump"

“Take flight, it’s your time. Jump.”

Jungkook grimaced, his fingers applying a lot of pressure to the soft spot of his skin. No, pressure wasn’t the proper term, that would be like saying he was pushing down to a point that was past comfort.

No, he was not putting pressure on the slightly lose part of his inner thigh, he was pinching it. The tip of his fingers decreasing the angle on which his fingers laid on his skin, and he bit his lip, trying to contain the wince prying at his lips.

The subtle pain, although short and minor, made him feel more relieved than pained. He felt the pain die out slowly, and yet the feeling of the pinch and the sting lingered on his skin. He needed that, he deserved that, he wanted it.

He has gotten into the habit of pinching his skin in situations like this. He has gotten into the habit of exploring some of the most sensible places in his skin to pinch in order to feel that shock of pain and the falling action that follows.

He needed a distraction, something that kept his mind occupied as he sat there and watch the scene unravel before his eyes. But the harder he tried to look away, the more it became harder to control this scream that was clawing and climbing up his throat.

A guy sat there, on a concrete cube that was made to hold and grow a tree in the sidewalk of Han River, listening to the voice of a beautiful girl as his head hung low. It was clear what was happening, the boy wanted to hear sweet nothings only to be meet with bitter void.

“You can’t provide for me, and you want me to accept your proposal?” She asked, her voice in disbelief as she was in slight disgust.

The guy sat there, a simple ring in his fingertips, nothing more. The ring was not in a small velvet covered case, it was not shinning under the beautiful sun setting in the horizon, it was not extravagant. It was, however, holding his entire heart and the name of his family as it has been passed down from generation to generation.

“It’s been rough with my mother getting sick, I know, but I love you and I thought that was all that mattered,” he said, his voice shaken slightly as his words held a variety of emotions, it was a full spectrum.

Jungkook watched from nearby, his hands now stuffed in his jacket as the chilly wind rolled from the North. His heart oddly pulsating as every word was like a needle jolted onto his skin. He pinched his stomach, the baby fat that still remained on the side of his hip, the pain not as sharp due to the thick fabric in between. He needed a distraction, he needed to stop hearing it all.

“You’ve always cared more about your mother than our future,” she spoke, her voice vacant and frustrated.

She looked at him in disgust. Her red lips simply mouthing words as sharp as her eyes were looking at him. The guy simply sat there, not believing that his world was coming down at the simple rejection. And above it all, her heartless words were like bullets to his heart.

“She is sick, what do you want me to do, keep working?” He asked, exasperated as he didn’t know why she would be so angry at that.

His mother had fallen ill, everyone in the family was off working all the time to make sure that the medical bills are being paid for, and for her treatment to continue. He was the only one who was staying home, since his job was easily replaceable and gave little aid to the cause. It was his mother and she should understand why he was doing it.

“Staying home doesn’t help either, you aren’t curing her, you haven’t looked at me in a month, let alone given me time,” she spoke, taking a step back as he looked at her with b eyes.

She didn’t know it would be this hard to break the news to him. He hadn’t touched her, let alone brought home a paycheck, and she simply can’t keep living with it. Regardless of it all, he should have time to provide for her, especially when his intentions are to marry her.

“You’re being too heartless,” he spoke, his voice shaken as he clutched onto the ring.

He didn’t think there was a side of her that was this cold. She looked at him, and she didn’t even flinch when he began to tear up. He had poured out his heart to her, and maybe he could still not provide an extravagant life style, but he was willing to climb mountains for her.

Yet she was dissatisfied, all because he was not giving her money. He didn’t know what hurt more, the fact that she rejected him due to money, or that she doesn’t even have any humane emotion on her face when doing so.

“No, I’m being realistic. I know what I want, and that isn’t something you can give me,” she spoke, her voice harsh and stern

“But I thought you loved me,” he cried out, not wanting to believe that she lied when she first spoke those words to him.

There must have been a point in the relationship that she truly loved him. There must have been. But the more he looks at her unchanging beautiful face, the more he felt it was all an act.

“You should know by now, love can’t buy you a good life in this world,” she spoke, scoffing as she walked away, not even looking back to see the guy crumbling into pieces.

Those words, those heartless words were enough to set Jungkook off. He could no longer keep pinching himself to calm down, he needed to stop his mind from letting all those memories flood back into his minds.

He was breathing fast, faster than he could comprehend, and then, he took of running. How he started running and why, he wasn’t aware, he could only see the end of the bridge closing in. He wasn’t even aware he got on the bridge, he just knew, he needed to get out of there.

Take flight, it’s your time. Jump.

His mind whispered. The one thing that stood out among the flashes of hospital beds, coughing and the heavy sound of a heart monitor, happened to be that whisper which, for some unexplainable reason, made the most sense to him at the time.

He neared the edge of the bridge, the park of the river coming closer just below. If he lived through the jump, he could always swim to that park. And so, his feet suddenly pushed forwards for more speed, his calves stopped crying over the burning pain and his lungs no longer struggled. His body was telling him yes, and so, with one gulp of breath, the sun set behind him, he stepped onto the metal ledge and took flight.

The icy wind was hitting his face as the sound of birds began hypnotizing him. He closed his eyes, looking at the ripples of water and then, blocking out the sound of car honks and the screams of a few bystanders. He felt his heart accelerate and stop as the sound of a flat line echoed in his head, the dreadful memory withering away.

He needed this, he deserved this, he wanted it.

He needed to feel free and finally, for once in his life, experience what it feels like to free fall. To feel the wind in his face and have nothing holding him down. He deserved to feel free, he has been pushed down and abused by everyone and everything with power and for once, nothing held him down. He wanted it, and once that cold, icy and rough water consumed him, the pain was above anything he’s ever experienced.

Pinching his skin no longer felt painful, not when this felt like a thousand swords are piercing his body. He felt cold and in a sudden rush of adrenaline, he begun to flutter and kick his feet, the surface suddenly getting father and farther away from him. It almost felt like he was swimming to the depths of the river rather than its surface.

He felt his lungs banging on his chest as the painful memory returned for a second, for a slight second and it was enough for him to stop his attempt of swimming to the surface. His heart ached and his body pulsated as he could just see flashes of white and the faint gasp of a last breath.

He felt his entire body electrified as he stopped moving, his hands reaching to cover his ears as he let out just to scream and let all the pain out. His last breath was released in a raw and dreadful scream that was muffled by the water as he was too scared to open his eyes. He was too scared to move and to find himself standing in that room, to see that hospital deathbed before him, to see that death all over again.

Cold, icy cold.

Darkness, painfully stabbing him.

Loneliness, empty and forgotten existence.

That memory was that and so much more, and it only took one conversation, from a guy who poured his heart out to the love of his life, only to be tossed away because of money. Family came first for that guy, the guy who will hopefully be successful and raised a child or two, and it all triggered that memory that was buried six feet under.

And it all triggered all the wrong feelings in him.

He felt nothing, and he didn’t know what was worse. Feeling nothing at the light a paramedic was flashing onto his eye, or feeling nothing seeing a crying Jin cradling Yein who turned into a puddle of tears.

He felt nothing.

“He was lucky, a man was on his boat when Mr. Jeon jumped, if that man wouldn’t have been there, we would have been too late,” he heard a fain whisper of relief as he didn’t even dare open his eyes and accept reality.

Sobbing, exasperated breaths and the excruciating annoyance of a heart monitor made him feel nothing.

He was worthless. A waist of skin and air. No one wanted him, and everyone he ever felt like he cared for, will eventually leave him. They didn’t care about him, they simply cared about one thing, and that was money.

He wished he was like the people on television dramas. After the tragedy of their lifetime, everything would work out in the end. Everyone would care for him, and he would care for everyone. He would have a beautiful girl at his side and a bright future ahead, surrounded by loved ones.

But his life was nothing like that. Life is the devil, and he will beat you down to the floor and would not let you get back up. He just keeps on hitting you, even if you spit blood or grasp what could be your last breath, it doesn’t stop.

He was taken care of well, at least, he would like to think so. Considering that he was taken to the emergency room of the closest hospital, rather than the elite floors full of accommodations for the elite people in society, which he is more used to.

Every hour, a nurse would come in to check his vitals. He suffered an eighty-foot fall to the water, and no one survives a fall like that without any injuries. There was trauma left on his spinal cord, his rips were fractured, on the verge of breaking as he was told they had to do an urgent alignment of his inner organs. They said the fall dislocated his shoulder and they had to realign it, but Jungkook was asleep for majority of the fix up.

His father never came to see him, and he was certain the man was not going to come at all. And that idea just made him feel so much more at ease. He didn’t want to see the face of that man, he didn’t know what he could say or what he could do that would make him regret the jump, and the truth was, there was no regrets. He felt the pain that comes from taking flight, this is inevitable, but he at least tasted the bitter sweetness of adrenaline left behind when one flies.

The moment he jumped off the bridge, he had been unconscious for hours, that is why when he woke to the fullest, and not for mere seconds due to medication wearing off or pretending he was still out to ease drop in conversations, he was feeling rather numb. His body ached slightly, his shoulder had an uncomfortable prick to it when it moved but above it all, he could not feel any of the pain that would have derived from the injuries they had described.

He didn’t know what to say nor what to do, he could just see the darkness outside the window as the moon was the only thing that was shining inside the room. He hated hospitals, he hates the smell of latex that lingers in your clothes even after you leave. He hated the depressing and washed out colors that they tint the room in, white and beige, it was gross. He hated the silence, this silence was not comforting at all, it was like the silence created by death itself.

“You’re up,” a voice spoke, the tone rather hoarse and very familiar.

The lights flickered on, but before that, Jungkook could just see a very tall and built figure moving. His dark hair covering his eyes under a black cap as his smile was wide and gentle. His uniform still on his body, a button dress shirt, sleeves still rolled up and the smell of spilled drinks lingering on his ripped jeans.

“Junhong, what are you doing here?” He asked, his eyes closing with force as he was trying to adjust to the lights.

He heard the boy chuckle as Jungkook still couldn’t believe the bartender was there. How did he find out where he was and better yet, how did he get in. He was sure that Jin or Yein would have ordered no one to bother him until they allowed it.

“To sing karaoke, what other reason idiot,” he spoke, his smile widening at his sarcastic remark that did nothing to move Jungkook’s mood.

“Be serious you tart, how did you know where I was?” Jungkook fired back, a slight grin tugging at his serious face before his face turned neutral.

The older boy simply shrugged as a slanted smile accompanied his moving shoulders. He stuffed his hands in his pockets before looking out the door and smiling.

“I think I should let the other visitor explain,” he spoke, biting his lip as he simply opened the door and stepped out in a brief second.

Before the door closed, another person caught the handle and pushed it open. In came in the princess of midnight herself, Cinderella. She wore a simple maroon skater skirt with patterned black stockings. She had a black hoodie on as a simple pair of converse were at her feet, yet the mask still remained in her face.

“Hello Mr. Jeon,” she spoke, her voice soft and sweet.

She fiddled with her fingers as her dark hair was curled in locks that framed her worrisome face. She looked at Jungkook, those familiar dark eyes that once hypnotized him simply melted him now, as he felt this sudden relief wash over him.

“Cinderella, what are you doing here?” He asked very hesitant as he was not sure what she was doing here and at this time.

“I’m here for our session, it is Saturday night, you’ve been unconscious for a few days, but knowing you, I assumed you were just pretending to be unconscious,” she spoke, taking small steps to the small couch at the other side of his bed.

She spoke more confidently as she simply moved swiftly and took a seat without any invite. She has been worried sick about him since the phone call the other day. He seemed to have no care for dangerous tasks, and the fact that he jumped off a bridge, was more terrifying to know. She wondered what other things he could be capable of.

But as he looked at her, not with anger nor cold aloofness, she felt a bit more relaxed. And it made her more comfortable having come all the way out here for their session.

“It’s already Saturday?” He asked, not believing that it has already been three days since he jumped.

He wanted to respond to what she said, telling her she was wrong about her assumption. But she was far from wrong. He has been pretending to be unconscious, and he has been able to get the nurses to keep putting sleeping medication on his IV because he didn’t want to face the world yet.

“Yes, I was your last call before you jumped, and so your wife called-”

“Fiance, the wedding hasn’t happened yet.” He interrupted her, his blood boiling at the assumption that Yein was already his wife. She wasn’t, and he wanted to make that clear.

“Your Fiance called and asked if I knew anything that could have let you to jump. I don’t and that is the first thing I would like to know Mr. Jeon. Why did you jump?” She spoke, setting her hands on her lap, her eyes staring at the edge of the bed before she took a deep breath.

After the question left her lips, she dared look him in the eye. She needed to know, she needed to know how dangerous he could be to himself at that moment. He looked at her, the abrupt stare simply too much at the moment for him to handle as he had to look away.

She looked so worried and rather, terrified. But she was doing a good job concealing it all.

He looked out the window, to see the moon simply staring down at him as he begun to ponder what to say and where to even start.

His words would all be so much simpler to find if he wasn’t being stared at by those dark alluring eyes.

“What color is your hair and eyes?” He asked, his minds simply commanding his lips and his voice to ask the question.

They were swallowed by silence and nothing more than the heart monitor could be heard. The nurses still kept in on due to the trauma that his vitals suffered, they said it didn’t hurt having it on, especially when he was being sedated all the time.

“Dark brown hair and eyes,” she spoke, as her words were spoken through force as she gave in.

He wasn’t going to talk just yet, but as the answer earned a simple smile, she knew he would eventually tell her what she came here for.

He looked at her, there was a longing in his eyes that wasn’t seen, but he was simply remembering the feeling of feeling free. And he was trying hard to find the words to describe that feeling to someone who doesn’t long for it.