xvii. "The Parade "

“A loud parade in his ear as he was marching off a cliff,”

There was a moment where he wasn’t sure what exactly had happened. He woke up, and it was like he was floating out in the room with nothing to hold him down. It was three in the morning, Sunday had already arrived, and he meet the day with confusion and eyes stained with exhaustion.

He knew where he was, he just couldn’t remember why he was there in the first place. The days simply seemed to blend in or simply feel like a blur where there was not multiple distinct days, but just one made up of odd memories from each.

He recalled Cinderella being there, and he remembered simply talking to Junhong about the assistant work that Moonbin did in the company. He wondered if that was all real or if he imagined it. At this point, he wondered if he was even awake and this all was the sensation that derived from a dream.

He pinched his thigh again, accidentally getting a spot that had a bruise already made from previous pinches. It felt real, and the pain was very much there but this time, it didn’t make him feel calm or in control. It ached more than before and left this terrible feeling in his body.

He walked to the window, his skin turning hard at the soft cold air that was seeping through the small crack of the window. He closed his eyes and let the air hit his body as the bitter air was kissing his skin. He pulled on of the chairs by the window, taking a seat on the back rest rather than the designated cushion and he simply sat there, looking out into the dark world that seemed brighter than it was.

The sky wasn’t dark, it was light and simply a sheer purple pink tinting the sky with some sign of red seeping in for some reason. But it was overall a gray color, that he couldn’t deny. But, it was an odd sight, considering the city environment shouldn’t make the sky that light and that clear. But it was really nice and calming. The moon was bright and simply illuminating the night in the most calming way.

Jungkook grasped the music player in his grasp. He was still trying to figure out what happened and if it was even real. He can’t remember if he was given the player a few hours prior or days before or weeks or if the memory he has dealing with it is even real.

He remembered that Cinderella had given him the player, but he wasn’t so sure of it anymore. What was he supposed to use it for, why did she give him the player in the first place?

The question lived in his mind for a while, it lived there and simply caused himself to wonder more and more about it. Why would it be so special? What was in it that made her want to give him this? Why was he thinking so hard on it in the first place?

That was the question that caused him to take action. He took the earbuds wrapped around the player and simply put them on. He didn’t know what he will find if he unlocked the player and looked inside, let alone what music it will have or audio pieces that lingered. So he decided to have it be randomly selected with the ear buds, he pressed the pause button on the buds and a random audio file played.

He recognized the sound almost instantly. It was a song he remembered hearing when he was at The Kingdom Club, simply because every host or hostess is allowed to play music in their meeting room. This was a song that Cinderella had played and it was the type of music that she liked.

The song made the large and vacant room feel like it was filled with a thousand people. The sound drowned out any type of silence and loneliness. The gray purple sky suddenly becoming calmer as his body relaxed into the psychedelic sound of the instruments only to have the unique voice begin to sing.

It was magical, the entire music player was littered with that type of music. Alternative and indie rock that seeped into his bloodstream and initiated this feeling of being high. It was like his body was light weight and his mind was completely in another world. He couldn’t think and he didn’t want to, he just wanted to be drowned in the music that made the night comfortable and one with him.

“Mr. Jeon, are you ready to go?” A voice cut into the trans his mind was currently in.

He blinked one more time and simply saw that the sky was no longer gray and filled with shadows. But it was a light baby blue that simply settled into the world in a calm morning. Jungkook wondered if he sat there all night, or at least, since he woke up.

“Yeah,” he spoke, pulling out the earbuds away from his ear and simply planting his feet on the floor.

The nurse simply nodded and moved towards the bed. They needed to do the last checkup of his vitals in order to finalize his leave. Yein and Jin are set to come pick him up, and knowing them, they were right outside the door waiting for Jungkook to leave.

His vitals were normal, the trauma had officially been erased. His blood pressure was normal and his heart rate was slightly high by a beat or two, but they said it was due to the medication that has been seeping into his blood stream the past week. She handed him his clothes, the ones he was rushed into the ER with, the only thing was, they were dry. Obviously.

The nurse took her leave a little faster than he anticipated. He still wasn’t sure how he was going to face Yein and Jin. There was this inevitable sinking feeling in his stomach that weighed it down with guilt.

It didn’t take long for him to remember why he was there. The memory of the jump had become more vivid due to one of the songs he had listened to. It was a song called “Cliff Parade,” and it all seemed to feel like the anthem for what he was feeling in that moment. A loud parade in his ear as he was marching off a cliff, wondering if it was his salvation to parade off the cliff or just another death, like the song chanted about.

Jungkook felt his heart suddenly raise all in once go and suddenly stop as he saw the door opening and the two people he’s been avoiding for the past few days walked in. Their faces were gloomy and on the gray side, but they still tried very hard to plaster some type of smile because, if there is something that they both know is that, Jungkook hated to be coddled and above all, receive pity.

“You ready to go?” Jin asked, his voice soft yet very distant as he looked like he just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

Which was on the ironic side because Jungkook should be the one who would want to rush out the door any second that he gets. But it was quite the opposite. He wanted to go back onto the bed and just be asleep for longer, he didn’t want to meet anyone nor talk to anyone. But reality had knocked on the door and it was now escorting him outside.

“Yeah,” Jungkook spoke, his response released in a exhale as he wasn’t sure how he should approach his step brother.

Jungkook knew the two were angry and worried and had a thousand more feeling mixed inside their hearts the moment they look at him. He just wasn’t sure what feeling he was supposed to have. He felt guilty for a minute, there was this throbbing and annoying knot in his stomach but it was gone, and he felt numb.

He felt nothing.

“You’ve been prescribed medication, so don’t fight Yein on this,” Jin spoke, his voice had some weight to them, as if he was trying to show Jungkook it was a serious matter in the lightest way possible.

Jungkook simply nodded as he looked at Yein and took note of the dark circles that were tinting her slightly creasing eyes that were covered in makeup. Yein has been pampered with makeup since she was in middle school, and that type of thing has caused her eyes to crease sooner than they would have naturally.

She send him a pressed smile that, again, did nothing to change what he was feeling about the situation. The last thing that Jungkook remembered about Yein was seeing her break down in tears, being held tightly by Jin as they were rolling him in the ER. And that image was still branded in his mind, he didn’t even want to look at Yein, he never wanted to see that sight ever again.

The car ride was longer than it should have been. In reality, it was actually a short ride but Jungkook felt like it lasted eternities. The car was not in complete silence, Jin had the radio in a low volume, but they were all silent. No one wanted to break that silence, even if they wanted to tear it down, they knew they couldn’t. Mostly because it could mean putting Jungkook in a bad mood, and everyone knows what happens when they get Jungkook in a bad mood.

Jungkook still had pains on his chest, it was still difficult to move around without a shock of pain traveling throughout his body. But it was more comfortable than yesterday, and he hoped to be good to drive for work the following day.

If he remembered correctly, the incident happened on Wednesday, and he’s been in the hospital since then. Considering that his injuries were not as severe as they sound on paper, he really wanted to go to work to finally fix the problem with Moonbin. Jungkook knows that he has fumbled the ball with that incident more than he would want to, and with Junhong, it might finally be fixed.

In a way, he finally understood why Moonbin was acting the way he was. Moonbin considered himself the only friend that Jungkook has, and moving departments would mean leaving him all alone. With that mentality, adding in a cup of Moonbin’s need for control and a teaspoon of feeling like he is being thrown away, and it all created the boy’s actions.

He wanted Moonbin to be in the front of the lines, Moonbin was very kind hearted and very hard working. He deserves more than what life is throwing at him. Jungkook has come to realize that there are exactly two types of people in the world. Those he liked, and those he hated, which is a simple mindset to get behind. Everyone in the world is a selfish bastard that doesn’t care about anything nor anyone. And there are people who simply put others feelings before their own.

“So, you think it’s plain black and white, selfish and selfless. Those who are completely good and those who are completely bad?” The voice asked, it was soft and soothing like honey.

Jungkook never thought about it that way. But the more he pondered on how Cinderella came to that conclusion, it all became so much clearer.

“Now that you put it that way, yes,” he responded, his voice a little dubious but getting more confident as he finished the sentence.

“Are there people who are both? List all the people closest to you and tell me what they fall under,” she spoke, there was some shuffling and flipping of papers and he knew that she was trying to take notes.

He didn’t want to take more of her time, she was probably trying to cram in some assignments that were due the following day and she couldn’t concentrate because she was talking to him.

“You, Jin, Yein, Moonbin and Junhong are all good, everyone else are simply walking banks,” he spoke, feeling confident in his response as he remembered the girl in that bridge.

An average girl, born into the average life of the country, completely stepped on a guy to get to the top of the social pyramid. Everyone out there in the world, was exactly like that. There was hardly anyone in the world that was good or selfless. It was all the same, everybody for themselves.

“I might ask you this question more than once,” she spoke, her voice a little drawn out as Jungkook simply bit his lip and pressed his forehead against the railing.

He had spent the entire day in his room, simply listening to the player that Cinderella gave him. He took the time to go over documents that Moonbin had faxed over and emailed him about just so he was ready for what was going to happen at work. But he mostly spent the time siting in the balcony, looking at the sky and simply noting the way it changed throughout the hours of the day.

He cave in and decided to call Cinderella, it’s been a simple conversation so far. It was mostly her telling stories and about things that happened. It was what she did when Jungkook didn’t want to talk much or just felt like listening to someone so he couldn’t feel so empty.

“As long as it aids the cause,” he spoked and suddenly had one question at the top of his head, “You are getting somewhere, right?” he asked, feeling the question pry itself out without even giving his mind consent of saying it.

He wondered if this was all working, if talking and answering all of the questions was truly helping her figure out how to help him. There were times that he thought about it for a second, but the question didn’t live long enough in his mind and he never asked it.

“Mr. Jeon, your cooperation has been helping more than you think it is. I am close to a solution but I still have a couple of things that I need answers to,” she spoke, her voice hesitant and on the more constrictive side.

She sounded like she didn’t want to say it but she needed to say something. Jungkook wondered why she just didn’t ask him straight on about what she needs answers to, but that only caused him to wonder if she had reasons to not be so forward with her questions.

The idea, the thought, the simple assurance that she was working for a solution and that she was actually going somewhere with this made his shoulders relax and his heart to simply take a breath.

But there was this other part of him that didn’t want this to end. He felt comfortable talking to her, and he came to realize that one of the reasons that was is because she didn’t know him in his every day life and he didn’t know her.

How much of their friendship was going to change when she finds a solution and reveals who she is? Was it going to change at all or what? And that question only caused more thoughts to pool into his head and he wondered what was going to happen when they no longer need to have sessions, when they no longer need to meet up at the club.

He was too comfortable with how things were then and there, but he needed to know what will finally be able to make his life less miserable and more bearable. Cinderella was closer to her solution, and he was closer to knowing who she was. But were they closer to going back to being strangers or were they closer to becoming friends? But then he thought, did it really matter what their label was after he will finally become free of all the misery and pain he deals with every day?

Like I said, I had originally written a chapter 17 that was Jungkook going back to work and it involved an encounter with his father. I won’t reveal to much but, right when I was planning on publishing it, the news of Jonghyun’s passing reached the world and I didn’t feel comfortable publishing it nor writing more of it.

This subject is heavy and isn’t something to joke about. The reason I wanted to write this story is to simply show there are some hard hitting and ugly truths about mental illness that is easily brushed aside.

Especially in the Kpop world we love.

My main goal is to show the readers that and, at the same time, convey the idea that if you need help or you see someone who needs help, reach out.

In my story, Junhong saw that Jungkook was struggling, so he reached out and told him to talk to someone. And now, in this chapter, Jungkook is truly looking for a solution. He is looking for help and is working to this solution that Cinderella will bring.

That is why I decided to scrap the original chapter 17 and decided to re-write the encounter in chapter 18.

It’s been a month since Jonghyun passed away, but the thing that I can never forget is that Jonghyun reached out his hand for help. But the professional he reached out to, failed to see what was truly the problem and brushed him aside. And we all saw a result of the negligence.

So again, if you are dealing with your own demons or you know someone who is, reach out for help now. You matter in this world, never forget that.

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