A/N: Italics are flashbacks

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Ji Hyo wondered, as she brought the duvet up to her nose, if the past few days had been a dream. Or a nightmare. She supposed that it was a part of her subconsciously wishing that it had never happened, that her seemingly perfect life hadn’t been shattered so quickly. Ji Hyo groaned at the sunlight as she opened her eyes for it was past midday, as she reached to turn her phone back on. It had become habit now (escapism if anything) to turn her phone off as she drank alone in her room, wanting the world to be silent for a couple of hours so that she could ignore reality. As if that would help.

Ji Hyo supposed that there was one good thing – that she had finished filming her drama – so there was no getting out of bed begrudgingly so she could feel the full effects of what she had witnessed. The first few days had been filled with tears, lines of tears staining her cheeks and face puffy as if permanent red eyes weren’t enough, as she ignored numerous phone calls and texts from Jong Kook. It was incessant, to the point that she threw it across the room in hopes that her world was silent, as she buried herself in duvets in bed with meaningless TV for background noise whilst aggressively eating through a family tub of ice cream with the occasional glasses of wine to wash it down (not that ice cream needs washing down). Considering she couldn’t live on ice cream, she would force herself to trudge to the kitchen, have a couple of spoonfuls of whatever was in the fridge before retreating back to her room to stare at the wall, falling asleep and waking up. On repeat.

She would always have a headache when she woke up, and every morning came with a promise to herself that she should go easy on the wine next time (not that she ever took her own advice) and would groan even more when she checked her phone. Not only did she have missed messages and calls from Jong Kook, it seemed that he had told Ha Ha and Kwang Soo for she had missed calls and texts from them as well. She made a conscious decision to ignore them, only replying to her family and her manger, not ready to deal with concerned voices and worse… the pity. 

Ji Hyo had ran out of tears by the fourth day, anger overtaking sadness, as her mind (unwillingly) replayed the scene in her head. She had come to a point where she accepted that she couldn’t change anything and, vitally, that she wasn’t at fault. Instead of crying at romance films, she had turned to cursing at them as she sat in front of the TV with chicken and beer, a perfect combination.

She took her first walk outside on the fifth day, feeling stuffy from staying inside as well as having a stuffy heart, as she walked beside the river. It was well into winter, snow covering the grounds, as Ji Hyo walked aimlessly along the river. She had stopped to get a coffee halfway through her walk, the only thing that could heat her up in the cold, as she passed numerous couples on a winter stroll. The young couple walking ahead of her were clearly in love, hands held together with the occasional giggle as they laughed at something. An elderly couple sat on the bench were laughing and grinning as they watched their, presumably, grandchildren play in the snow as they sipped their hot drinks. Contrastingly, a couple a few steps ahead of her were arguing, animated hands flying around as the man rolled his eyes at her, clearly embarrassed at causing a scene. Ji Hyo smiled a sad smile as she sat down on the bench, warming her hands on the coffee cup, as she took the moment to fully process what had gone on the past couple of days. She wondered how her life had gone from being so deliriously happy to being so empty; just days prior she was thinking about how her life might be in the future to now being completely shattered at the thought of dreaming. Her mind wondered to Jong Kook, leaving a pang in her heart, and thought about what he would be doing and if he felt the same as she did or worse as she looked at her phone as it rang again. She thought about him, how they had spent time together that could rival a fairytale and how happy they had both been albeit it sneaking around filming. She thought about the warmth he gave her, how she could just be free and with no inhibitions around him, and how safe she felt. And then her mind took her back to that fateful night. She remembered how once her eyes took in what was happening in front of her that everything was a lie. Her whole relationship with Jong Kook was a lie and she began to question her whole relationship with him, whether any feelings for her were real or whether they were simply a façade. She remembered how she saw the other woman, someone so young and beautiful, and immediately had thoughts about what she meant to Jong Kook. Was she merely just a behind the scenes fling whilst he would eventually reveal a relationship with the younger model and dump her.

It seemed a lifetime ago now, and Ji Hyo scoffed. Comparing her to when she was deliriously happy to someone who had spent the past few days from crying to anger to grief, to now being someone who questioned her entire relationship as to whether it was real or fake was not a testament to who she was. She went through days thinking that she was no longer the strong, independent woman that she was after tears, tissues and Netflix. She sighed, as she kicked the ground, taking her last sip of her coffee as she willed herself not to cry. Ji Hyo was done crying. She was done thinking about how the one person that she had trusted not to hurt her did.

“... so just message me anything please. I need to know you’re ok.” He sighed. “I love you.” Jong Kook sighed as he collapsed onto his bed, staring at the ceiling and reliving the night where he lost everything.

The sound of multiple food containers hitting the floor was enough to snap Jong Kook out of it, making him realise what Ji Soo had done – tricking him into meeting, confessing… kissing. He had barely registered the kiss when it had happened. He was wishing – no praying – that it was one of his dongsaengs or one of the staff, anyone other than the person whom he dreaded to witness the situation. But life apparently liked to screw you over, and when he looked over, he felt his world collapse.

The reaction was instant and Jong Kook knew that he had ed up. He desperately wanted to walk towards her, tell her that it was all a misunderstanding and that he loved her, yet he was strangely rooted to where he was standing, unable to move, after locking eyes with Ji Hyo. Jong Kook analysed Ji Hyo’s face, stumped by the… disappointment. There were no tears, no shouting and curse words nor any hits, but just a look of pure disappointment. He wanted anything at that point and didn’t care if she was hitting him or if she was shouting or cursing at him but she did nothing. She did nothing, merely looked at him – his tear stained cheeks – and left. And he didn’t do the one thing that he should have done. He didn’t run after her. He didn’t fight.

He could barely remember what happened after, but he mildly registered himself yelling at Ji Soo to get out, flipping over the table in rage. He called Ji Hyo multiple times, heart sinking when it went straight to voicemail, eventually leaving a string of texts when eventually he sobbed. Back sliding down the wall, as he finally understood the gravity of the situation, how it looked to Ji Hyo, and cried as the heart wrenching sounds of his sobs filled the room. He didn’t know how Ha Ha and Kwang Soo turned up there, but they looked at him in pity as they helped clean the room and drive him home. He was like a robot, limbs moving on automatic, as he barely registered the hushed conversation of his dongsaengs beside him. They had both tried, but failed, to contact Ji Hyo and were worried. At that, Jong Kook’s face paled. He could deal with her hating him, and would beg at the chance to explain, but he needed to know that she was safe.

The morning after were filled with endless phone calls to no avail and by afternoon he had no choice but to focus on his concert he had that evening. He was grateful that Kwang Soo had come a couple of hours early but couldn’t open up to him despite his dongsaeng’s concerns. He knew Kwang Soo’s concerns were legitimate – he had barely eaten, even refusing his chicken protein shake, his eyes were bloodshot from the lack of sleep and his hands kept trembling from the copious amounts of caffeine he drank as a result. But he refused to tell his best friends what had transpired purely because he was disappointed. He screwed up the best thing that had happened to him and knowing that Ji Hyo was also a close and treasured friend so could imagine the yells he would get… deservedly so.   

Jong Kook knew that the Running Man family would come in support (it was originally a surprise but it had become the worst kept secret on Earth) prior to the concert and was holding out on Ji Hyo being there. However, as the hours past and hope for her turning up dwindled, he knew. He was barely able to keep up his façade, saying he had to get ready for his concert when the questions got too much, using the backstage room as a hiding place. It was too much being in a room, pretending to be happy yet being filled with disappointment, anger and worry before he had to go onstage and perform. It was when he stood on the elevator waiting to go on stage that he knew. He knew that he had royally ed up and watching how his fellow members were all happy, he knew. He knew that he would fight for her.

After the concert and almost mandatory team dinner, he wound up outside Ji Hyo’s place fuelled by a mix of alcohol and desperation. He was armed and ready with boxes of her favourite chocolate, a giant bouquet of flowers as well as a giant stuffed teddy bear. He admitted that the teddy bear was just a last minute impulse buy but he thought it couldn’t hurt to buy it.

Jong Kook thought that his experience of performing in stage, to thousands of people, would have at least helped in some way yet it was the opposite. His palms were sweaty and as he rose his hand to knock on the door he couldn’t help but notice how his hands were shaking as he knocked. He waited and waited only to be filled with disappointment when the door remained closed. Not to be deterred however, Jong Kook knocked on the door again. He was hopeful when he heard movement on the other side yet sighed when he heard footsteps retreating. He supposed that he didn’t blame her, but it was hard not to feel a twinge of disappointment. Nonetheless he had to speak. It was now or never.

“I know you’re in there Ji Hyo-yah… I can hear you.” The shuffling stopped as if Ji Hyo had been caught as Jong Kook chuckled sadly. “The concert went well if you wanted to know. Yeah everyone did really well and the rest of the members came. Jae Suk hyung stole the spotlight and danced. Kwang Soo and Se Chan went a bit overboard on the presents – I’m up to my eyes with chicken and protein powder so I’m ended up giving some to the backup dancers.” He chuckled sadly, suddenly feeling dwarfed at the prospect of talking being completely futile. “I… err… haven’t told anyone… I felt that this was best to be dealt between us. This doesn’t involve anyone else apart from us two so I didn’t tell anyone and I think we need to properly talk and sort it out.” Jong Kook sighed, feeling that this needed to be said, for it was him that had caused this mess and thus it was him that needed to sort it out. “Only if you feel you would of course!” Jong Kook winced as he hurriedly added that on. “I’m sorry… I don’t even know how to speak anymore. It just hurts without you Ji Hyo… I feel so raw and empty without you. I feel like I can’t breathe without you Ji Hyo… you are my everything. You’re not only my rock but you’re my air where I can breathe, my fire to ignite my passions and my water to cool me down. Being without you is like I’ve been constricted in a world where everything is cold… without hope, without light and without you.” His voice broke in the last sentence as the weight of what had transpired in the past 24 hours crashed down on him – how he had gone from being the happiest man alive to one who was so broken at the result of his own stupidity. He had spent hours deciphering what had happened, whether he could have or should have seen the signs and wishing that he had some sort of a time machine to change everything. He had been full of regret and anger at his own stupidity whilst mulling over obvious signs that he could only recognise in hindsight. Tears began to trickle down as Jong Kook tried his best to choke back a sob, to appear strong at the very least, but he failed as he let the tears fall, becoming an uncontrollable mess. He felt stupid, crying alone in outside Ji Hyo’s door where anyone could walk past, yet pride be damned at the prospect of losing someone he loved. Is in love with.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry for not fighting for you yesterday… I was weak in that respect and I broke my promise to you.” Anybody who was anybody would be able to hear how solemn his voice was as if there was no hope or light in his world. “But I will fight for you. I’ll come here everyday after I finish work and I’ll fight for you Ji Hyo – yah.” It had been a promise of sorts, a resolution that no matter how tired he was, he’d come. Despite there being no promises of Ji Hyo listening or even being at home, he would come by everyday until there was an element of progress. “I miss you… I love you.” It came out as a whisper, and with that Jong Kook left. Begrudgingly mind you but he didn’t want to draw attention to either himself nor Ji Hyo. Plus, he was sobering up from the effects of alcohol and he really needed to pee. And then sleep in his own bed.

On the fourth day, Jong Kook had brought over some dinner that he had cooked for himself that day. It was nothing special – simple doenjang jjigae* but he knew that she’d be too upset to cook and she couldn’t live on take-out food all her life. “I went to the gym today which I suppose isn’t too much of a surprise.” Jong Kook chuckled, wringing his hands together. It was weird, how his palms kept sweating and how they trembled, despite having stood in front of thousands of fans. Yet, after thinking about it, it didn’t surprise him at all. It had always been Ji Hyo – she had always been the one to be able to tell him off and without any repercussions, the one who could make him laugh and the one who was able to gauge his emotions. It had always been her he turned to when he needed advice or comfort, even in the early days of filming. It had been strange to Jong Kook as to why he immediately felt close to Ji Hyo despite usually being conservative in his choice of friends and had raised a few eyebrows in his friendship circle, both Ha Ha and Jae Suk exchanging text messages regarding this in the first year or so. Yet now Jong Kook knew, there was a reason why he was never fully invested in his relationship with Soo Jin for it was always Ji Hyo that captured his heart because it belonged to her.

“I also went shopping with my cousin since she’s moving soon. Went and picked out some furniture and then she of course dragged me for clothes shopping. But I couldn’t help think about how that could be us. Us moving in together and spending the rest of our lives together. I know it’s early but I always knew it was you. It’s always been you Ji Hyo since the very beginning and my heart will always belong to you. You’re the only one who has the key to my heart and you’re the only one who knows it inside out.” Jong Kook sighed and only hoped that Ji Hyo was on the other side of the door, listening. “There’s a few close friends that I would say know me Ji Hyo… at the top of my head would be Dong Hoon, Kwang Soo, Jae Suk hyung and some others in the industry. But you, you are the only one who truly understands me. People can research what my likes and dislikes are, friends can know bits of my past and will know what I feel but only you can truly understand why I feel the way I feel, have open access to both the good and bad things in my past and how that’s shaped me to who I am today as well as influencing who I will be. You’re the only one I feel safe enough to share everything about me, including flaws, and you’re the only one who I can fully dream with. You give me so much hope to how my future will be because no matter what happens with my career I’ll be with you. It’s always been you Ji Hyo – yah, ever since I met you, you were the one who had my heart. Even when we were both in other relationships or when we were fighting it was you. Always.” Jong Kook shuddered a breath as felt a weight had been lifted off his shoulders at the confession. He could have spent the next few minutes thinking about how he was stupid for not telling her before but he figured there was a time and place for self – pitying and regret. Instead, he sighed as he got up, getting ready to leave. “I’ll come by tomorrow beautiful. I miss you… I love you.”

On the 5^th day, it had been the day before they were due to film Running Man again, and Jong Kook’s hope for talking before it were running out. “Can’t wait to see you tomorrow you know even if I wish it were under better circumstances. I don’t know what the team situation is tomorrow but I’ll ask to be put on separate teams so it’s easier for you. I’ll be there if you want to talk though but only if you want to. I’d love to be able to talk to you… to apologise for what a damn idiot I’ve been. To explain what happened and how stupid I was for not chasing you… fighting for you. God this is a mess I’ve got us into huh?” Jong Kook chuckled dryly as he ran his hand through his hair. “I just miss you… I miss you lying next to me in bed, I miss your smile, me running my fingers through your hair, your smile, your laugh… just you. I ed up Ji Hyo – yah and I’m so sorry for breaking your trust in me and I’ll do anything for me to have it again.” Jong Kook cried, as an uncontrollable sob broke through him as he let his emotions out. The idea of seeing Ji Hyo tomorrow was great for he could see her and see how she was but he knew that it’d be painstaking. And just another reminder of how he had failed to protect the one he loved. “I’ll see you tomorrow beautiful. I miss you… I love you.” Jong Kook sighed, wiping his eyes with his shirt as he turned to look one last time in hopes of the door opening yet being left with disappointment as he walked down the stairs.

Ji Hyo was weighing the different options of excuses she could pull to avoid filming as she saw the staff members all getting ready yet she supposed that she would have to face Jong Kook sooner or later. Whilst getting her hair and make – up done before hand she had kept quiet, feelings still raw to openly talk about what had happened with other people despite Hye Min and Hong Da knowing. There was also a part of her who just wanted to keep it private and that whatever the outcome, whether she’s forgive him or not, she would need time to decide when to be able to talk about it. But until then, she supposed she would need to act as if nothing had changed and with that she stepped out of the car with a smile.

Uncharacteristically, she had been the last one to arrive for filming and for that she was grateful that she could avoid any awkward situations with Jong Kook. Ji Hyo could feel Jong Kook’s eyes on her as she scurried to stand next to Suk Jin. Keeping her head low, she put her mic on as the PD explained that they would be put into two teams today, thoughts heading back to Jong Kook visiting her the day before.

Ji Hyo had just finished washing up after her walk when she heard him. It had been the 5^th day in a row since Jong Kook kept coming to her flat and it had unknowingly become part of her routine. By the 5^th day, her feelings began to change and she took the opportunity to listen to him, sitting down on the other side with her ear pressed to the door.

“Can’t wait to see you tomorrow you know even if I wish it were under better circumstances. I don’t know what the team situation is tomorrow but I’ll ask to be put on separate teams so it’s easier for you. I’ll be there if you want to talk though but only if you want to. I’d love to be able to talk to you… to apologise for what a damn idiot I’ve been. To explain what happened and how stupid I was for not chasing you… fighting for you. God this is a mess I’ve got us into huh?” Ji Hyo smiled sadly as she listened, just imaging how much Jong Kook would have thought about it over the past couple of days. She’d imagine him with dark circles, body screaming for sleep, and eye void of happiness. “I just miss you… I miss you lying next to me in bed, I miss your smile, me running my fingers through your hair, your smile, your laugh… just you. I ed up Ji Hyo – yah and I’m so sorry for breaking your trust in me and I’ll do anything for me to have it again.” Hearing Jong Kook’s cries on the other side of the door wrecked her, tears of her own threatening to come out. She hated it, hated how the person that had hurt her the most was the one that she wanted to comfort. She wanted to be the one to tell him that it was ok, that they were strong enough to get through it and move on, grow old together and be happy. She wanted to be the one to say that all was forgiven and that she could forget it and that having each other would be enough – that it was them two against the world.

“I’ll see you tomorrow beautiful. I miss you… I love you.” Ji Hyo took a shuddering breath as she heard Jong Kook’s steps grow faint as she let her heart spill as she sobbed uncontrollably against the door. Because she knew. She knew that her head was telling her that Jong Kook couldn’t be trusted with her heart again, that cheating was something she couldn’t forgive. Yet her heart was telling her something else. That she loved him too.

True to Jong Kook’s words, they were in separate teams for the day as well as not being with Kwang Soo or Ha Ha, something that either was a coincidence or Jong Kook’s work as well. She was silently thankful either way for she could escape the flurry of questions that the younger would have as well as the worry the elder would have. She wasn’t ready yet. Filming was awkward at best, other members not knowing that they could or should do to intervene, so Jae Suk and Suk Jin took on the role of separating the two and keeping their interactions to a minimum. Not that it was hard of course since Ji Hyo made it a point of keeping her distance from him. Even during breaks she would sit on the other side of the room quietly eating and keeping to herself, grateful that she had brought her portable charger as well. She intentionally didn’t get herself involved in the conversation that happened over lunch but even she could tell that it was muted, awkwardness hanging over the air. They were a family and were used to bantering, bouncing off one another in conversation which would be filled with laughter, so when two members fought, especially two who seemed inseparable.

If Ji Hyo thought that lunch or breaks were going to be the worst part of the day she didn’t think about the possibility of this. A quiz between the two teams about the most popular answers from a survey of the members of the public, questions ranging from what a night-time text meant to what actions could be misinterpreted. Ji Hyo looked over to Jong Kook’s side briefly as a passing glance and found some comfort in the fact that he looked as equally uncomfortable at the nature of the questions. Still, she spent the entire segment wringing her hands together as the question arose, making her heart sink as Jae Suk read it out. What are the top 5 things that make you upset with your lover? There were the understandable ones like being on your phone whilst on a date or saying “I love you” half-heartedly to the ones that seemed more materialistic depending on the couple (“If I spent 50 dollars on a present I don’t just want a hand-written letter” said Se Chan causing everyone to laugh). Ji Hyo was asked to answer next, probably as a way of getting her to talk and interact since she had barely spoken a word that day, and she had thought about her answer. She supposed that she should be able to answer quickly, given recent events, but the more she thought that she was sure, she wasn’t. Her answers kept changing as she thought about Jong Kook standing outside her door.

As soon as she heard Jong Kook outside her door she should have yelled at him to leave. She had been on her way back from refilling her wine glass when she heard him first. “I know you’re in there Ji Hyo-yah… I can hear you.” Ji Hyo stood still, as if a deer caught in headlights, as she winced at being caught. She tried to get away with ignoring him and holing up in her room but slowly but surely her footsteps led her to her door as she listened to what Jong Kook had to say.

“The concert went well if you wanted to know. Yeah everyone did really well and the rest of the members came. Jae Suk hyung stole the spotlight and danced. Kwang Soo and Se Chan went a bit overboard on the presents – I’m up to my eyes with chicken and protein powder so I’m ended up giving some to the backup dancers.” Ji Hyo chuckled at that, her Running Man members were family to her yet she quickly sobered up at the mention of backing dancers to which the memories of that night crashed down.

“I… err… haven’t told anyone… I felt that this was best to be dealt between us. This doesn’t involve anyone else apart from us two so I didn’t tell anyone and I think we need to properly talk and sort it out. Only if you feel you would of course!” Ji Hyo could feel Jong Kook wince. “I’m sorry… I don’t even know how to speak anymore. It just hurts without you Ji Hyo… I feel so raw and empty without you. I feel like I can’t breathe without you Ji Hyo… you are my everything. You’re not only my rock but you’re my air where I can breathe, my fire to ignite my passions and my water to cool me down. Being without you is like I’ve been constricted in a world where everything is cold… without hope, without light and without you.” It was then when she broke. It was painfully obvious that the 24 hours had been hard on them both and the only emotion she could feel towards the man currently crying his eyes out on the opposite side was anger. Just unadulterated anger. For it had been him that she trusted since the beginning yet it had been him that had broken her. The one who she trusted to keep her safe was the one that had crushed it. And it was that fact that made her hurt even more. The fact it was him.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry for not fighting for you yesterday… I was weak in that respect and I broke my promise to you. But I will fight for you. I’ll come here everyday after I finish work and I’ll fight for you Ji Hyo – yah. I miss you… I love you.” It was only when she was positive that Jong Kook had left that she cried again. For she heard his promises to fight. But she didn’t know if she wanted him to. She didn’t know if their relationship was worth saving.

“I think, and So Min and other women will probably agree, that it’s when your partner cares more about somebody else.” Ji Hyo could feel Jong Kook’s eyes staring at her, trying not to visibly flinch at her words. She made the point of avoiding him, in fear that her resolved would break if she made eye contact with him, as she spoke.

“Like what?” She could also see all of them staring now, now fully knowing that her words were something that was more than just an answer for a quiz question. The tense air that had overtaken the light-heartedness was telling at the very least. She felt like a fish in an aquarium as curious stares looked at her – Kwang Soo and Ha Ha were no doubt piecing together some information as to the cause of Jong Kook’s foul mood the past few days, Jae Suk and Suk Jin knowing that something was wrong but not wanting to intrude or push her whilst poor Se Chan and So Min were clueless.

“Little things… like how they take their coffee or how they like their sandwich to be cut. Or how they cancel their date to be with that person after they’d been cooking the entire day.”

“If there was a man that did that they’re really trash!” Suk Jin admonished, in response to the scenario that Ji Hyo had come up with. Unbeknown to him, it was real. Painfully so. Despite the conversation having moved on Ji Hyo accidentally met Jong Kook’s eyes and gasped as saw it. Saw the pain in his eyes and the way they were teary at her words for every word had been like a dagger into his heart at the pain he had caused him. She saw the desperation at wanting a chance to speak, to explain and to reconcile. She saw the man that had come and cried outside her apartment everyday and the man that had plagued her mind. She saw the hope, as filming wrapped up before they’d move onto the next location, the hope that she’d even acknowledge him. And she saw the sadness again as she pointedly walked past him.

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Word count – 5558

A/N: Wrote the latter half at half 3 in the morning so please excuse any grammar mistakes

Doenjang jjigae – Korean soybean paste stew. Made from fermented soy paste (doenjang) made from soybeans, the stew often has added vegetables such as courgettes, onion, potatoes. More often than not tofu and meat is also added. It’s a salty dish but it’s considered healthy as the doenjang has health properties such as anti-inflammatory, anti-cancer etc. It’s a very popular and staple dish in Korea.

Hello lovely people. I want to apologise for the ridiculous delay in this chapter – I started a new job in September and it’s been overwhelming. This has been particularly true since I’ve had to take on more teaching during lockdown (in England it was since January to mid-March) which has been hectic. On top of an hour commute and flat hunting it’s been really busy. I’d always written notes in my phone but just never had the time to simply type it all and merge it together.

With regards to the story and how I’m planning on doing a Master’s this year I’ll only be continuing this story with Chapter 40 being its final one. It’ll be likely that to do this the remaining chapters may be longer than my average. I hope this is ok.

After that I’m not sure what I’ll do but I’ll keep writing. I’ll do a series of unrelated one-shots if anything.

I hope you are all safe and healthy and thank you so much for your comments – they really do mean a lot.