Week by week passed by, and it’s already two months for Yuna being a student – a true one – the one that not absence most of the time. She didn’t realize that time passed so quickly like that, until she didn’t realize that next week mid exam will officially start. And that’s the exact reason for her gloomy expression this evening.

“I don’t know more. I give up.” Yuna exhaled desperately, didn’t want to look at her book again.

Seokmin chuckled at her. “C’mon, you’re almost there.”

“You always said that, but I don’t going anywhere. Look, I’ve calculate it for hundred times, but the answer is: none.”

“Are you sure you aren’t missing a thing? And it’s not hundred, you’ve only calculate it 9 times.”

“Oh, shut up.” Yuna give him her best death glare. “I don’t want to study anymore. It’s really depressing. I feel so stupid. Maybe school isn’t right for me.”

“Don’t say such words.” Seokmin shakes his head. But Yuna’s gaze already on somewhere else, she didn’t even want to look at him now. Seokmin noticed how tired and depressed Yuna is, and he realized that this isn’t going to work anymore.

“Okay then, let’s end it here.”

“Are you serious?” Yuna jerked, her face suddenly got brightened.

“Yeah. You say you didn’t want to study anymore, right?” Upon hearing that, Yuna’s expression got darker again. “See? You even give up on me.”

Seokmin laughed, can’t help but ruffles Yuna’s bangs in amusement. “This is why I stop today’s tutor, we can’t go anywhere if you keep these kind of thoughts inside your head. Mathematics will not find its way to enter to your head.”

“So?” Yuna asks sullenly.

“So, we’re going to have fun.” Seokmin smiled.

**

During the way Yuna wondered nervously where will Seokmin takes her, and it turns out that he takes her to Han River.

“Let’s play.” Seokmin announced as soon as they go down from bus. “What do you want to play?”

Instead of answering, Yuna blankly asked him back, “What could we play, though?”

“Oh, you never went to play here? Not even once?”

With sad expression written on her face, she shakes her head. “You know, my practice schedule was really tight. I’ve only went to this place twice – I sneak out in the mid of the night - and I just bought some snack and eat it beside the river then went straightly back to practice.”

Seokmin form a wide smile on his face with his index finger. “Nah, smile like this now. Because we’re here and we’re going to have fun now, and to see it on bright side, now you can come anytime you want, right?”

Yuna burst into laugh as she saw Seokmin’s forced wide smile. “Stop it, you look ugly.”

“Nah, you look best when smiling like that.”

Yuna laugh turn into some awkward cough after Seokmin blurted out complimented her. Before he could realize her awkwardness, Yuna quickly stop her laugh and trying hard to make her expression straight. “So, what are we going to play?”

After having so much fun, basically trying every games and rides they could and competing against each other enthusiastically, they got exhausted and rest at the side of the river, watching the sun slowly set which makes the river sparkling in golden light. Seokmin come after brought two can of ice lemon for both of them, and sit beside Yuna who mouthed simple thank you.

They sit next to each other and quietly sipping their can of lemon, absorbed in their own thoughts. Yuna exhaled a deep breath before mumbled, “It’s so beautiful, isn’t it?”

“Indeed.” Seokmin replied softly. “It’s one of my favorite places to release my weariness.”

“Yeah, no wonder. Just by seeing the river that turns gold like this, I feel automatically relaxed. And the wind blows so softly makes it even more relaxing. I’m sleepy already. Do we have another tutor after this?”

“Most likely no. But we have to add extra hours on tomorrow tutor to replace today absence.”

Yuna groaned and scratched her head. “It’s no use, Seokmin.” Yuna sighed.

Seokmin put his empty can beside him and look at her softly, “What’s bother you so much, huh? Mind to tell me?”

“What’s bother me? Of course my stupidity that couldn’t understand a single thing meanwhile exam is coming near. Did you have to ask?”

“Oh, come on. We both know that it’s not the only things that bother you.”

Yuna suddenly turned quiet as she heard what Seokmin said, and she feels like just a got a slap and awakened. She sighed and chuckled, “Am I that easy to read?”

“Your eyes tell it all.”

“I’m afraid, Seokmin.” Yuna blurted out. “I don’t exactly know why, but I’m afraid. You know, my mother…” Yuna stopped and sighed. She looks at the sparkling river – searching for some strength before continued, “My mother, she keep asking how my tutor’s going on and I just know yesterday that she always checked my tests result secretly. When dinner comes, she always talks about it and keep encourages me, indirectly put hope in me to get higher score. But the strange thing is, I only feel burden rather than feel new spirit. It’s actually burdened me a lot.”

“Does your parent do that to you too?” Yuna asked, purely curious. Upon hearing that question, Seokmin looks shocked a bit but then his expression turn soft again. He just let out a faint smile before answered to her question. “My parent divorced since I was 7. My father passed away three years after their divorcement, and my mother is miles away from me, she’s living with her new family since then and most probably didn’t care anymore did I get a high score or even wondered did living well or not.”

Yuna automatically felt guilty for asking such question. She didn’t expect her question will reveal his dark past – and what’s shocked her most is that they have similar past. “I’m so sorry Seokmin, I didn’t mean to – “

“It’s okay, though. It’s just merely a past of mine. Although sure it hurts me sometimes when I thought about it, but I realize it doesn’t have a power on me. You know, although I somehow envied you because your mother cared about you a lot, but I’m living a happy life now with my grandmother who only worried if I ate a lot or not. To answer to your question though, no, my grandmother didn’t put a high hope on my educational matters. She only cares about my health and my stomach. But indeed, she whines a lot when I’m just basically a second late to eat my dinner or breakfast.” Seokmin laughed.

Yuna laughed too imagined how fussy her grandmother is. But they laugh soon subside as they thought about their not so different fate.

“You know, I always wondered how would it feels like to live with your mother, or your father, or if it weren’t much to ask, to live with both of them. But after heard your story, it feels like not that great, eh?” Seokmin joked.

Yuna smiled bitterly. “It sounds bad, but actually, she’s a great mother though. I didn’t mean to rude to you, but after heard your story, I’m truly glad she’s not throwing me away like your mother. Or like my father did.”

“My parent divorced too since – I don’t even know when. I don’t even know did they legally divorce or my father simply abandoned us. I never get to see him. My mother only told me that they were divorced, and I never get the courage to ask further.”

They fell into silence as both of them drown in their own sadness. Seokmin was the first one who broke the silence. He suddenly giggled, shook his head in amusement. “We have such unpleasing past, eh?”

Yuna join his laugh. “Yeah. It’s such an honor to meet someone who shares same dark past.”

They laugh together for a moment. “Yeah, but let’s share a pleasing present and bright future from now on.” Seokmin uttered.

Yuna smiled vanished and she sighed. “It’s a start for you. And it’s already end for me.”

“And you can just start a new beginning though. Right?”

“It’s not that easy. You know, being a world-wide ice skater are not only my dream, but also my life. My whole life depends on it. Now that my body is injured, what can I do? Although my physical is still here, but my soul already gone away since those doctors state me to give up on ice-skating.”  

“Yuna, you have so much left things to do.” Seokmin told her softly, trying his best not to sound like lecturing her. “We only just 18, though. Many of our friends are still struggling to find what they want to do in their life too. Sure, it’s must be hard for you to let your dream while others just on their way to building or even started to search for it, but it doesn’t mean you can’t build a new one too. I’m not saying this to lecture you or whatsoever, but like I said before, we can’t get same dark fate like our past. Our past was something destined for us because our parent – we can’t do anything about it. But it’s different now. It’s our life that we talked about. Our dreams. We’re on charge about it.”

“But how, Seokmin? I don’t know anything besides ice-skating. The others are clueless about what they want to do, but I know surely what I want to do – it’s just I can’t run to achieve it anymore.”

“You can keep ice-skating as your dream, but not as an athlete. You can design the athlete dress, right? You can write or arrange some music for it. You can be the judges. You can be anything. It’s time for you to make peace with it, Yuna.”

Yuna bites her lips, averted her eyes back to the river. She held her tears but failed to do so. It’s just breaks her so much that finally, someone directly told her to give up. It’s not his fault – it’s just her who still weren’t able to let it go. It breaks her so much that she must finally admit, that she afraid of being forgotten, being no one, being no one who wouldn’t able to do anything. People know her as Choi Yuna – an ice-skater prodigy, now that she wouldn’t able to back to ice-ring, who is she? Is she still Choi Yuna?    

Seokmin patted her shoulders as he could hear her sobs. “I’m sorry if I’m being too rude. I’m so sorry if I pushed you too much.”

“No, it’s not your fault.” Yuna replied between her sobs. “It’s just… It’s just so hard…”

“I understand. Just let it out all. How long have you endured it? You must let it all out.”

Yuna finally cried her lungs out. When those doctors told her condition, she didn’t cry back then. Heck, she didn’t even believe those words. When her mother cried so freaking bad for her, she didn’t cry. She told her mother that she was okay – when she clearly not. When she was alone and she badly wants to cry and forget it all, there were no tears forming out and she just in being in pain for so long. Now it’s her first very first time to cry out loud, and she promises that it also would be the last one.

**

You know, like you said before, your mother is a great mother, far from mine. She cares about you more than you could imagine, but it’s either her or you who took it wrong. We can’t blame her way to care about you, we could only change our perspective about it. Don’t you agree? You don’t have to take it as she expected something big from you. You don’t have to make it as your burden. You can learn your best and whatever the results are, I believe she would still proud of you. You just have to show her that you’re trying your best. And you don’t have to be afraid – you’re not alone. We’re walking this path together, we’re building our dreams together now. And we will help each other to make it through, right? So don’t worry about it too much. Mathematics and its friends will find its way to you only if you let them in. So, see you tomorrow evening. The others will join us too, and we’ll learn till our head burst out. I bet it’ll be fun!

And, good night. Don’t forget to put your blanket!

Yuna smiled as she finished reading Seokmin’s long text. She chuckled and types a quick reply,

Thank you for your advice, and I’ll slowly try. I’m glad you guys are with me.

But I bet they won’t truly study and will only bickering and ruining my focus, but I’ll happy though. I just hope Sinb and Seungkwan won’t raise their voice too high when fights, Eunha and Mingyu will get along well – it’s actually nice to see if they on a good term.   

And good night too, I’m forever in debt to you for today. Tell me how could I pay it back!

After typed her reply, she put her phone and turn off her bedroom’s lamp. She’s staring at her bedroom’s ceiling, and smile unknowingly painted on her face. She felt so genuinely warm, for the first time ever, and she realized how much grateful she is to have such great friends around her.

Especially him – who always tried his best to help her out.