December 23 2003, 11:49, Tuesday

To hell with 'I am fine the way things are now'. I am completely the opposite of fine. 

I take back whatever I said that day. I don't think I can continue on like this. Seeing him everyday, practicing with him, talking to him... All while being in love with him.

Being 'friends', is harder than I thought it would be. Thinking about him is becoming more and more constant, having a picture of his face in my head has turned from 'sometimes' to '24/7'. I sometimes even find myself staring at him! He nearly caught me once and I thanked God he didn't see me. Though even if he didn't notice, I think someone else did. 

"Jae...why you staring at Yunho hyung?" 

"Huh what?" I turned around to face Changmin. 

"You were staring at Yunho hyung." He repeated. 

.

"Was I?" I received a raised eyebrow from him. "I was just staring off into space, like I always do. He just somehow seemed to be in the way." 

"Oh, okay." He looked convinced. He went to Yoochun to talk about something, and as soon as he did, I breathed out a sigh of relief.

Thank god. I'm lucky I can lie convincingly. But it's true. I tend to space off sometimes, and usually people would get in the middle of it and it would seem as if  I was staring, even though I was not.

Well, in this case, maybe I was staring...