December 17 2003, 13:27, Wednesday

Screwed.

The perfect word to describe what I am right now. If not, then I don't know.

At the moment, we are practicing for our debut song. By we, I mean me, Changmin, Yoochun, Junsu, and Yunho. 

Yunho...

The one and only reason for why I am screwed. Why, you ask? Well take a look at him first. I swear I've never seen anyone more handsome in my entire life. Me, I am called 'pretty' and 'beautiful'. Not 'handsome' like Yunho. 

The moment I set my eyes on him when he first entered the room, I knew I was done for. How could one single person make me feel all of this? No one has ever done this to me. This feeling is completely new to me. Something I never felt in my entire life. 

At first, I just waved the thought off, assuming that it was only because he was unnaturally hot, unlike anyone I've met. I'm not saying Changmin and the others are ugly, no. They're good-looking, but Yunho is a whole another level. Then, later I found myself thinking about him constantly. About every, single, time of the day. Even before going to sleep! 

I got worried and started to wonder about whether I was going insane or if I had some sort of mental problems. I didn't tell any of it to Changmin. I couldn't, because soon I was smart enough to realize it. 

I was in love with Yunho.

I, Kim Jaejoong, was in love with Yunho.

I couldn't believe it at first. I didn't want to believe it. I've never believed in the concept of love at first sight, but look at me now. The fact that I, who has never experienced what it was to have a crush, was falling for someone. Correction. Had fallen for someone. And that someone was none other than my soon-to-be-group leader.

I honestly never thought about Yunho in that way at first. I don't know when I did, but it definitely wasn't when we first met. I'd only thought that he was just hot. Nothing more. So when I suddenly started to think about him all day and all night, I obviously freaked out.  

I don't want to tell anyone this. Not even Changmin, my best friend. Hey, even best friends have to have secrets. I'm pretty sure he hides some things from me too. Anyway, Yunho isn't only hot, he's really friendly. Plus, he's great at being a leader. The position suits him. He helps us out if we're having some trouble and takes care of us as well. He's a great friend. 

Therefore, I don't want to ruin our relationship just because of some mere feelings I have. Actually, I don't think I even want to love him. More than a friend, that is. The way we are now, I'm completely fine with it. So, I'm going to just keep quiet about all of this, and pretend nothing's happening. What? I know you're thinking,  'why hide your feelings and why not just tell him'. Simple. That's not easy. Especially not for me. 

Up till now, it's always been me who receives confessions and all that. I've never confessed to anyone myself. So I don't want to face the fear of getting rejected, the look on the people's faces when I reject them is enough to tell that they are heartbroken. And I don't want that. I don't want to get heartbroken just because the person I liked, didn't like me back. Call me a coward, fine. But that's how it's going to be.

I mean, hey, I'll confess someday. Probably...