November 8 2008, 18:03, Saturday 

It's been three weeka. Three weeks since I've last seen my fellow members. Of course, I talked to them through text and calls, but that's just about it. 

Even though I was supposed to be relaxing and all, I used the most of my short holiday to think. Just think. About my life as an idol, about my contract with SM entertainment, about my family, about how I was going to move forward from now on..

about Yunho.

Yunho was probably the one most on my mind. I was supposed to forget about him, my feelings for him, and yet he was all I could think about during my time away from the idol life. 

However, I can say that I've come to final decision. 

I'm still in love with Yunho, that won't change anytime soon. But I am willing to keep my feelings abay, in order to keep the friendship we have right now. Yes, that's what I've been doing for the past few years, but I'm not going to risk ruining our friendship because of my confession. I can imagine how it would go if I did. 

I would confess, Yunho would most likely get shocked, and I know he won't completely reject me, because I asked him once what he thought about the LGBT community, and he said he has nothing against them. I guess that was kind of a reassurance, I mean at least I know he won't be disgusted with me or anything. 

Yeah, back then I hadn't thought about how the society would take of an idol being biual/gay, because to me, it didn't matter what gender you were. However, I became more aware that our country isn't exactly the most supportive of the idea of homouality. Even if some if the fans supported it, it still wouldn't have been accepted entirely. 

Anyway, back to the point. Yunho would reject me, and probably say he wants us to continue being friends. Then we pretend as if I never confessed, but really, there will be an awkward tension among us and finally one of us can't take it anymore, and the once beautiful friendship we have would be lost. 

So no, I am not risking that happening. 

As time passes by, I know I will move on. Maybe not right away, but eventually, I will. 

Why are you so scared? Why can't you just confess? 

Beacuse he's going to reject me and it will ruin our friendshi-

But how do you know he will reject you? 

I...He doesn't love me the way I love him.

But how do you know that?

, just shut it. 

You're just scared aren't you? You're nothing but a coward, running away from all your problems. A weak, pathetic cowar-

Yes, I know I am a coward. I know that. But I'm not going to let anyone see that.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Currently, I'm at the studio with Yunho, the rest of the members went to get a drink from the new vending machine out in the lobby. We're alone right now, and I'm showing some photos I took on my holiday.

I was talking about some souvenirs I saw during my little trip when Yunho interrupted me.

"Jaejoong."

"Hm?" Curious, I turned my head to face him. 

"I have something to tell you..." He seemed kind of...hesitant? Or nervous.

"Actually, I have something to say as well, but you go first." Well it's not a lie, I was planning to tell him– and the others–soon. I just didn't know how to word it out, and the opportunity never really presented itself anyway. I'm assuming that telling Yunho first would be the best thing to do.

Surprised, he said, "Oh no, it's fine. You can say it first." 

"No, you go first." I protested, and thankfully he didn't argue with it. He took a deep breath before starting to talk.

"Go on." I urged, now even more curious about what he was going to say. The air around us had become more tense now or was that just me? 

Don't tell me....

No, Jaejoong don't get your hopes up.

Is he going to...

"I–"

"Jae can you–oh am I...interrupting something?" 

Really, of all the times he could've chosen.

Yunho and I both turned our heads to look at the owner of the voice. Changmin stood at the door which was slightly open, seeming as if he were kind of uncomfortable. I guess it was because we kind of looked like we were in a pretty serious conversation; well it was serious. Though right now, I need to know what Changmin wants.

"What is it, Minnie?"

"Actually, it's fine if you're busy right now. I can tell another time–" he started.

"No, it's alright," I interrupted. "You can tell me now." I turned to face Yunho. "It's okay with you right? We can talk another time?" 

"Of course, it's alright." Yunho said, standing up. "You two can have your little chat," he glanced at me while making his way out. "We'll just talk some other time." 

Did I mention that was followed by a heart-throbbing smile? I swear to god, the things this man does to my heart.

Changmin walked over to where I was sitting and sat down next to me. 

"Hyung," he started. "I have something to tell you."

Okay, seriously what's with all these "I have something to tell you" , first Yunho, and now Changmin? 

"Sure, what's up?"

"Jae, I..."