March 7 2004, 16:21, Sunday

Wonder how much more of this I can take. Watching quietly from the sidelines, unknown to anyone.

Maybe I should just give up?  Or should I go and tell him face-to-face? But I can't. I don't want to...why?

Because you're scared.

Scared. Yes, I'm ing scared of this, all of this. Scared of confessing to Yunho, scared of what he may think of me, scared that he may reject me. Scared of what Changmin would say....I'm scared of literally everything. 

Just like always...

No, shut up. I am not the person I was 12 years ago. I made a promise, to myself. I won't be weak, I won't let others look down on me. I won't let people see the me I hate so much.

So why? Why am I cowering over now, and what for?

When did everything go wrong?

Flashback

Grade One, January 1992

"Haha, hey look at this!"

The taller boy turned towards the small child who's eyes were now clouded in fear. "How old are you again?" He asked the younger. Some other boys were now headed towards the both of them, probably being the friends of the elder one.

It was recess time and the teacher had gone somewhere to get something, leaving all the children alone.

"I-I'm s-six years old." The small boy answered honestly, not knowing what was happening. His parents hadalways told him not to lie. Lying was bad, and it would always be bad. That's why he always told the truth, no matter what.

"Oh? But your birthday was a few days ago, right?" The taller one asked. The other boys were now forming a circle, trapping the youngest one inside.

Too scared to reply, the child just nodded.

"Hear that? That means you were just five years old when you came here right?"

The boy nodded again. What was going on? He wondered. What was so wrong with being five years old when starting grade one? It wasn't his fault that he was put in school earlier, making him younger than the rest of them.

"Really? Then you're nothing but a baby aren't ya?" One of the others laughed.

"I-I'm not! What's wrong with being younger than e-everyone?" Despite the fact that he was scared, little Jaejoong managed to speak up to them.

The tallest boy bent down so that he was the same level as Jaejoong. "What's wrong..." He flicked Jaejoong's forehead with a finger, making the latter yelp. "..is that you don't belong here."

"Huh?" Jaejoong asked, now rubbing his forehead. Another boy answered.

"You're just a little baby, Jaejoong-ah. You don't belong here with the big kids."

Jaejoong was now confused. He couldn't understand why they were like this.

"Hey!"

The leader spoke up before Jaejoong could even open his mouth.

"Why don't we teach him huh? Show him where he really belongs."

Jaejoong's eyes widened as the boys came closer. 

"N-No.."

__________________________________________________________________________

To be continued.....