The club was pumping. Lights blinded me. The alcohol… the sweat… the music. I was in My Happy Place again: Alcohol Intoxication. I was going to get killed tonight… but the good news is, I’m gonna feel really good.

It’s been five days of no Yunho. Why is it that when something happens between us, he just disappears? I’m sick of his hiding. Does he know that I only have a month left in this country? You sick bastard, wake the hell up! Open your eyes and see that I’m dying here! See that I’m going crazy!

I came to Pilot to look for him... along with Jooeun and the rest of The Guys who were also in search of that coward. I sneaked away from them to have some time by myself and get drunk without them knowing.

A slow R&B song was playing. I think it was by Ne-Yo… but then maybe the alcohol is affecting my hearing as well. I shook my head to the melody and took a last swig of whatever was in front of me.

“Miss. I think you’ve had enough. Do you want me to call your friends for you?” the bartender said.
“No. Don’t bother.” I waved my hand and threw a random bill on the counter.

I stood to leave. I head for the dance floor where couples were slow dancing, kissing, hugging, whispering… whatever. I caught a glimpse of two people running and giggling to the restrooms. I smiled for them. Poor drunks… they’d never know who each other is anymore in the morning. I looked up at the balcony. It was empty. I wouldn’t wonder where they went. They all probably decided to split up and look for me.

I continued to stagger through the crowd in search for a corner to sulk in… or throw up in. So I followed the couple I saw a minute ago. They can show me where the bathroom was. I was nearing the door of the ladies’ room when a hand grabbed my wrist.

“Don’t go in there.” It was Junsu. I blinked to see him clearly.

“I need to throw up. Leave me alone.” I said as I twisted my wrist from his grip.
“You can do that in the parking lot. Let’s go.” He grabbed me again. I stood frozen on my place making his efforts of getting me out of this narrow corridor utterly and pathetically useless.

Right now, I no longer minded if I was going to be torn limb from limb. I knew something was going on behind that door and I had to find out. I just felt that I was involved. I heard more giggling from behind the door. It sounded familiar. Then a hushing sound.

“Jooeun… keep quiet.” A voice said.
“Relax, Jaejoong. No one’s going to hear us…” Another voice said.

“Sunmi. Let’s go.” Junsu pulled me again and this time he was successful.

“I just hope you’re drunk enough not to remember any of that…” Junsu whispered.

~*~*~
“I hate Korea.” I said half in tears over my cell.
“It’s going to be fine, Sunmi. He’ll come back.” Mitch replied.

I sniffed. I hated being like this. I hated not knowing why I was feeling this way. I was feeling the exact same way I always feel after a tragic break-up… the thing is, I didn’t break up with anybody nor did anybody break up with me. I have no reason to feel this way. So I called Mitch, first thing in the morning… hung over and all.

“I hate Yunho.” I said.
“I’ll give you two days, you’d take that back.”
“I hate Jaejoong.”
“I’ll give an hour for that one.”
“You’re not helping!”
“Well then what do you want me to do, Miss Crybaby?!”
“Tell me something positive! Show me that there’s a way out of this !”
“Well… you got to make out with two hot guys in less than a month. And… you can always pick both of them.”

I sniffed again. Who am I kidding? I want to die…

“I don’t know, Mitch. I don’t even know why I’m crying…” I said. I heard Mitch sigh.
“This conversation isn’t going anywhere, Sunny Sunshine. Make up your mind and call me when you have. And please don’t hang yourself or something. I love you.” she said.
“I love you too. Bye.”
“Bye, babe.” Then she hung up.

Oh Mitch. I’d be dead by now if it weren’t for you. Maybe I should just forget about guys and start dating girls, become a lesbian and be happy and gay for the rest of my life.

Oh holy old English e.

This stupid hang over is taking over my head, conscience and ual preference. But still… I’d consider that option… after a billion lifetimes. As far as I know, I’m not going anywhere in my life right now. I’m living five days behind everybody else. Maybe even eight years behind. Whoever said girls mature faster than boys is stupid. Physically, yes; but psychologically, hell freaking no.

I plan to stay in this room until I’m sober again. I plan to stay in this room until Yunho is back. I plan to stay in this room until the storm is done making landslides, floods and tides. I plan to stay in this room until my mind has been made up and ready to take on another emotional beating from the harsh world on the other side of the door.

Umma may have felt the exact same way when she still lived here. This could have been her hiding place too… her sanctuary and oasis. And now, it’s temporarily mine. I feel so old, all of a sudden. I’ve been alive for 18 years and I haven’t done anything so wicked awesome, the world will remember my name. What if I die tomorrow? What will they write on my tombstone?! “Here lies Park Sunmi… uhmm… that’s just about it.” Or maybe “This one’s boring, read the next one.”

I feel so pathetic and dead. Everybody thinks their life … I’m about to change that. Here I am, World! Look at me and my hole of a life! You lucky bastards get all the good stuff while I only get to look at your smiles and faces!

I’m going against everything I believe in. I’m The Optimistic One. Miss Bright Side. Miss Best Smile. The Lover. The Peace-Maker. The Happy-Go-Lucky Kid. And now?

I’m going Emo Kid. The Suicidal One. The I-Wear-Black-Because-It’s-My-Funeral One. The Hater.

I have absolutely nothing against Emo Kids. That’s who they are and what they chose to be. But I did NOT choose to be emo right now.

Emo Kids are the real and exaggerated victims of love and life. They say they’re never happy… they’re afraid to be happy. OPEN YOUR FREAKING KOHL EYES! No wonder they’re suicidal…

I looked at the time. It was 11:15; approximately nine hours since Junsu brought me here. I have rough images of what happened last night maybe because I pass out every second minute. One thing was for sure: my search for Yunho was unsuccessful. A great big failure.

Where is he?!

Jooeun didn’t know… neither did Junsu. I tried to call him but he was “out of coverage area”. That soft, robotic voice has never sounded so evil and annoying. That monotonous, repetitive sound has never sounded so maddening and obnoxious.

The closest I could get to him is by thought…

~*~*~
Junsu wasn’t himself. He seems distracted and bothered. I could almost sense that he knows where Yunho really is.

This bed makes such an uncomfortable table but I didn’t mind. I lay on my stomach with my laptop in front of me while Junsu sat on the edge of the bed. He sighed deeply and finally decided to lay down next to me. I tousled his hair playfully.

“What’s wrong, Junsu?” I asked him.
“Nothing. I’m just tired. Shooting and all…” He said.

What a lie! He was on vacation! That means there’s really something wrong with him!

“You’re on vacation, stupid. Come on. Spill.” I insisted.
“I’m worried, okay? I’m just… worried.” He replied.

“About Yunho?”
“Partially…”
“Partially?”
“I’m worried about a lot of things, Sunmi. They’re too many to mention.”

I wanted to stop right there. I didn’t want to press on the issue any further. I knew Junsu. He has his breaking points and he’s about to reach one now. The last thing I want is a crying grown man in my room.

“Do you remember anything from last night? In Pilot?” he asked.

I dug deep into my thoughts. The rough images were mixing with real memories so I couldn’t tell which was which. I remember paying the bartender. I remember seeing the VIP room empty. I remember being grabbed by Junsu in the narrow corridor of bathrooms.

“I remember the bathroom door… and the voices from behind the door. But I guess that’s nothing important.” I replied.
“Who is Jooeun to you?” he asked all of a sudden.

Oh god. Where to begin?!

“She’s Ms. Perfect. She’s sweet, friendly and kind. She’s Yunho’s assistant and Yunho’s girlfriend.”
“She’s not.”
“Come on. Don’t buy that crap, Junsu.”
“She isn’t Yunho hyung’s girlfriend. She never was and I hope she never will be.”
“Do you like her? Are you… jealous of Yunho?”
“No, I’m not jealous and no, I don’t like her. Not after that…”

He paused to sigh.

“You know what? Let’s forget this. I have to go.” He got his legs off the bed to leave but I held his wrist in place.

“Stay. Junsu, you know something. Tell me.” I insisted. I let go of his wrist as soon as I felt him relax. I sat next to him and placed an arm on his shoulder. “It’s okay.” I assured him.

We were both looking at the floor in silence for God knows how long. He sighed and shook his head. He tilted his head up to look at the lone window in front of us.

His eyes widened. He shot up to his feet and blocked my view if the window before I could look up to see what he was looking at.

“What was that?” I tried to get on my feet but Junsu held me down by my shoulders. “What the hell is wrong with you?! What did you see?!” I tried to squirm out of his grip and angle my head in every way possible to see what was on the window. I managed to get out after an eternity. I pushed him to the side. Before I could see anything, he took a step ahead of me and spread his arms to his sides.

Why am I so damn short?!

“Junsu! MOVE!” I shoved him. He held on to window frame and fell on the sill.

Stupid move. Really stupid.

I headed for the door. I heard Junsu chase me from behind. I sped down the stairs, seeing Yoochun out of the corner of my eye.

“Sunmi! Where you going? Junsu! Yah! What happened?” Yoochun said.

I didn’t answer. I was off to see what Junsu saw at the other window. I was walking and I wasn’t aware of it. I was opening the front door and I wasn’t aware of it. I walked to Jaejoong’s front door and bust it open and I wasn’t aware of it. Something just took over my body…. My mind. I have no idea what the hell is happening but what I do know is that I have to know what was in that room. I just had to.

Changmin rose to his feet from being seated on the couch.

“Sunmi. Hey.”

I paid him no mind as I went up the stairs to Jaejoong’s room. I had no idea where it was but my feet were took me to a door. A pair of hands held my arms back as I was about to twist the door knob.

“Sunmi, no. Stop it.” Junsu said.

Changmin came running up the stairs and blocked the door by holding on to the doorframe. I tried to squirm out of Junsu’s grip. What is it that he has to hide? All I wanted was to know what he saw. He could’ve just answered! What does he have to hide? And it seems to me, Changmin knows too. ing liars…

The door opened sending Changmin to almost fall off the banister.

Jaejoong’s eyes were wide open and his face was painted with shock as he saw me stand there. Junsu’s grip loosened around my arm. Jaejoong’s lips parted but were sealed back again. I wouldn’t call this silence. My ears were ringing so loud and my heart was beating against my chest like it wanted to tear me in two.

“Jaejoong, what’s wrong?” A voice called from inside the room.

My stomach churned. I felt my knees weaken and I lost balance. Junsu’s grip tightened again to catch me.

“Jaejoong…” the voice said, half-laughing.

“Sunmi, I can explain.” Jaejoong took a step forward and held his hand out to me.

I didn’t know if I was still breathing. I couldn’t feel a thing. Is this what it really felt like? Being shocked? Being betrayed? Being heart-broken?

Jooeun was clad in white sheets as she sat up on Jaejoong’s bed. Her face was an exact picture of emotion as Jaejoong’s.

“Sunmi, please…” Jaejoong reached out to touch my face but I refused. I managed to escape from Junsu’s hold and as soon as my arms were free, I slapped Jaejoong right across the face.

My breathing became heavier than it was before. My eyes blurred making it hard for me to see Jaejoong’s expression. I had no words left to say. There was nothing to say, actually. It wasn’t worth it. Nothing was worth it. It wasn’t worth a single in my life.

Warm tears touched my cheeks. No amount of pressure or energy I put into wiping them made them go away. I wanted to run. I wanted to get out of there. But nothing was left of me.

Nothing.