A stream of yellow-white light woke me. I rolled over to my side, expecting the enticing smell of raspberry shampoo. I drew in a deep breath.

 

“Mi. You awake?” I mumbled.

 

My entire body ached. My head spun and throbbed. I remember jogging from Pilot last night. That was about five kilometers. I was just thankful I got home, drunk and insane as I was.

 

Where was Mi last night? Where was Yoochun? What happened to Changmin and Junsu? I tossed those thoughts to the back of my head. I'd get my answers later.

 

Sunmi didn't reply. She must still be asleep. But I opened my eyes and realized that I was alone. I buried my face on the pillow where she had left her scent. Where is that girl?!

 

I got out of bed and I studied my room. Though my vision was blurred it was all too clear that there was no luggage, no tossed clothing besides mine, no heels... no Park Sunmi. I felt my heart drop and my stomach churn.

 

I rushed to the bathroom and went towards the sink. I was having the worst hangover of my life. My stomach turned itself inside out and everything in it came out of my mouth. I splashed my face with cold water. My vision was miraculously repaired but the drilling pain on my temples stayed.

 

The countertop was less crowded. I panicked. Where are all her things?! I noticed a bottle of feminine perfume. It seemed to be lost among the masculine array of products.

 

It was hers.

 

I remember. She was gone. She left two weeks ago. That's why she wasn't at Pilot. That's why I have a hangover. I cursed myself for being so stupid. It never ocurred to me that it's been two weeks. I always felt that she was still around.

 

I stared at the tiny glass bottle, wondering if she really left it on purpose. I spritzed it in midair and for a second, she was right there with me again... I loved it.

 

I looked up to see the note I found inside my darkroom the day she left. I tucked it in the gap between the frame and the mirror of the bathroom. What it said would always make me laugh.

 

'Don't miss me too much, you jerk! --Sunmi ^.^'

 

My eyes drifted next to it; a photo of five wild, young men all happily smiling: me, Kim Junsu, Park Yoochun, Shim Changmin and Kim Jaejoong.

 

Jaejoong...

 

I averted my gaze elsewhere. Where the hell is he? He'd better not be in the States to take Sunmi for himself. No. He won't do that. He can't do that.

 

I was mad at Jaejoong. I'm mad enough to even say hate him. I lied to Sunmi when I said everything between me and Jaejoong would soon be resolved.

 

If Mi thought Jooeun was the answer, she thought wrong. Jaejoong was using her. His plan probably didn't proceed as he imagined since he got drunk and had that one night with her.

 

Jooeun liked Jaejoong... very much. But knowing Jaejoong all too well, he had to deal with her the same way he deals with 'mistakes' like Jooeun: breaking her heart.

 

Jaejoong has crossed the line. I don't think I'd ever forgive him for what he did to Sunmi. That day I found her curled up across the elevator, I knew immediately that Jaejoong had been there. I smelled alcohol on her. I spotted marks on her neck. That was his scent. Those were his marks.

 

It all dates back four years ago during Sunmi's uncle's wedding. Jae caught me staring at Sunmi during the reception as she danced with one of her younger cousins. I had long concluded that I was in love with Park Sunmi but since the sight of her made my heart overflow with longing and love, I told him how I felt. He said, “You don't know who you're going up against.”

 

Why couldn't I have done anything then?

 

I got in the shower, still thinking of Sunmi. What could she be doing right now? Is she sleeping? Is she dreaming? What is she dreaming about?

 

I could usually tell. I'd watch her sleep at night, breathing and slowly moving. She was beautiful. She smiles slightly sometimes. I end up mirroring her. Or she furrows her brows then breathes out. I get worried, thinking that maybe she's having a bad dream.

 

I miss the way she walks on tiptoes around the flat. I miss the way her eyes disappear when she laughs. I miss the way she'd playfully hit me when I say something stupid. I miss the way she speaks with a foreign accent even if she's fluent in Korean. I miss the way she takes so long in the shower. I miss her soft, silky skin against mine. I miss her heat. I miss the seldom and random times she tells me she loves me. I miss the times when she'd sneak up behind me to give me soft, quick, unsolicited kiss.

 

I miss the way her hair turns gold under the sun. I miss the way her eyes turn auburn as the sunset casts its glow on her. I miss the way the moon turns her skin into a sparkling, clear ocean. I miss her soft, gentle touches. I miss her small hands. I miss having her in my arms. I miss her scent.

 

I just...

 

miss her.

 

I loved her. Maybe it's too much but I don't care. She's changed me. She made my dreams come true. I had to get used to the fact that the nearest I could get to her was by her voice or her pausing, blurry image on a laptop screen.

 

I heard a noise followed by the call of my name. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist, rushing to the hall.

 

Changmin was there in the living room. Junsu appeared behind him.

 

“Why are you here? It's early.” I asked.

 

“Hyung,” Junsu began. “Are you alright? You disappeared last night. Have you eaten?”

 

The youngest plopped down on the couch. “I'm fine. What are you doing here?” I asked rephrased.

 

“You don't look like you're fine, hyung.” Changmin spoke. “We're not blind.”

 

“We're worried. Last time, you--” Junsu stopped himself, casting his eyes downward as he sat down next to Changmin.

 

“You should know this isn't the first time this happened to me. I've had worse. I can handle this.” I replied. “Sunmi maybe gone but I have to get over that... it's not like I'm never going to see her again.”

 

“Hyung. She's safe. You shouldn't worry.” Changmin seemed to force a smile.

 

“Who said that I was?” I retorted.

 

“We're staying here for the rest of the day, hyung.” Junsu said. “Your agency sent you resumes of the applicants for the vacant assistant position.”

 

Changmin placed a thick binder on the coffee table. “The interviews are today, here in your apartment.” He smiled. “Fix yourself up, hyung. They'll be here in ten minutes.”

 

~§~§~

It all came down to twenty-one year-old Dong Lee-joon. A constant dean's lister, chairman of the college Photography Club and a native of Gwangju. He was my new assistant.

 

Lee-joon was one of the eight guys who applied versus the twenty plus women vying for the position. He was the best out of the bunch. Today would be the day he'd have to prove me right so I can rub it in Junsu and Changmin's faces that he was a better choice than the girl with big s and pouty lips they preferred.

 

“Yunho sunbae, it says here we have a shoot today at 10am. Should we get going?” he asked as he browsed through the timetable behind his specs.

 

“The equipment's in the corner carry as much as you can and I'll do the rest.” I instructred.

 

“Neh, Yunho sunbae. Kamsahamnida.”Lee-joon bowed then disappeared.

 

I was busy staring at photos of Sunmi at Haeundae on my desktop. These were photographs I would never publish or even print on plain paper. I'd prefer it to be hidden from the rest of the world and left for only me to see. I don't think of that selfish. I was just protecting her. God was showing off when He made Park Sunmi. The least I could do was be her bodyguard.

 

The pictures she took of me were in the mix. It was in a messed up folder I named [PRIVATE HAEUNDAE]. Pictures of us were there as well. I torture myself everyday for at least a total of three hours in front of the monitor. There's a star in the sky for everytime I think of her. Each breath I take, I take for her... I'd even risk it for her. I'd lay it on the line for her. Anything... for her.

 

My first hour of torture was up. I closed the window and shut the desktop down. On que, Lee-joon showed up carrying three cameras, four tripods and two laptops in individual bags.

 

“We're all set, Yunho sunbae.” He smiled and bowed, his free hand quickly catching the slipping strap of a camera bag. I returned his smile.

 

“You can call me hyung. “ I said. “Is there anything left for me to--” He shook his head. “Alright then. Do you need help with--” He shook his head again, lifting his shoulder to get a better hold of the load. “Are you sure?” He nodded. I nodded back. I can see the dedication already. Score one, Team Jung. Score zero, Team Kim-Shim.

 

...

 

We got to the set five minutes late. The PDs were quick to give us a recap of what the magazine's editor-in-chief sent in her email to me: 'mysterious-y with a hint of I'm-not-that-out-of-your-league'. That somehow reminded me of Sunmi. Everything does. Just the color of the couch I was sitting on right now reminded me of the shade of lipgloss she wore on her first day out in Seoul. The semi-see-thru curtains reminded me of the sheets that hugged her body perfectly each night she slept next to me. Sunmi. Sunmi. Sunmi. She rang in my head like a bell, I could barely hear the PD's reminders.

 

“Yunho oppa!!” said a voice from behind me. I froze. “Choum poepgetsumnida?” [How are you?]

 

The PD left her seat immediately. A young girl wearing a ballet outfit took her place. The tight bun on top of the young one's head and her bright, evil-looking eyes sent chills down my spine.

 

It can't be...

 

“I'm Songhyun, remember?” the girl smiled as she stood before me.

 

Six year-old Cha Songhyun is the only daughter of Cha Jintae, my boss. This tiny creature I made the mistake to have underestimated in terms of physical strength and persistence was one of the very many reasons why I should leave the agency. She has a puppy love, crazy crush on me. Another reason why I should quit. It may be one of the reasons why I'm being spoiled by Cha songsaengnim [Mr.Cha].

 

“How have you been, Songhyun sshi?” I forced a smile as I left my seat. I crouched down to bring myself at eye level with her.

 

“I'm going to watch you take pictures of Umma!” she proudly announced, batting her eyelashes. She waved to her mother who was being crowded by stylists and make-up artists.

 

I love kids. But this one is definetly not a kid... this one was Cha Songhyun. Every adult's fear and every decent human being's idea of a future dragonlady. She was definitely going to be my future boss; which is why I ought to leave before she turns twenty.

 

“Really?! Well, I'm honored. You look very pretty today, Song--” Then she kicked my shin. Her smile turned into a frown and her eyebrows furrowed. I fell back on the couch, grunting in pain.

 

“Is it true that you have a girlfriend, oppa?! Is it true?!” Songhyun yelled. “What's her name? Where does she live? Break up with her! Break up with her now! Call her and break up with her! Do it! Do it now! Get your cellphone! Call her! Do iiiiitttt! Break up with her or else!” she fisted my knees and thighs.

 

“Songhyun sshi! Get a hold of yourself.” I tried to grab her flailing arms. “Where did you hear that?”

 

“Junsu oppa told me.” Team Jung; score one. Team Kim-Shim; score one. Junsu will pay. “I'm your girlfriend! Why are you cheating on me?!” She yelled further. She caught everyone's attention in the process. I smiled and bowed apologetically.

 

Lee-joon came to my aid. Crouching to sweep the six year-old girl from the floor to his shoulder, he told her to get a grip. She squirmed and escaped to stare at the stranger.

 

“Who are you?” she raised her voice. A splitsecond after meeting eyes with my assistant, her face changed drastically.

 

Lee-joon smiled. “I'm Dong Lee-joon. You are?” He let out his hand.

 

The little one remained frozen. Her eyes widened, glistening like a pool. “Cha Songhyun.” she accepted the gesture: a miracle.

 

“Songhyun ah. May I know why you're so angry?” Lee-joon asked, still smiling. Team Jung; score two. Team Kim-Shim; score one.

 

“He's cheating on me! I'm his girlfriend!” She had her back turned towards me as she stretched out her arm to point at me. Lee-joon cocked his head and gave me a nod to assure me he was in control of the situation.

 

“He is? Why don't you break up with him? Guys like him who treat pretty girls like you that way are bad. I like you. Can I be boyfriend instead?” he took the girl's hand in his. Songhyun turned to me then rolled her eyes.

 

“Okay. I like you too.” Songhyun took a step closer to Lee-joon and smiled.

 

'Alright, sunbae.' he mouthed to me while the six-year-old played with his hair.

 

I laughed to myself...

 

Cha Songhyun... looked exactly like Park Sunmi.

 

§§§§§§§§§

 

“Yo! Emo much? Get up, Sunshine!” Mitch Lee pulled my arm to drag me across the rehearsal room floor from the mirror wall.

 

“Can't I take one more mental health day?!” I whined.

 

“You've been taking mental health days for two freaking weeks now. In case you've forgotten, Mi, we have a job to do here. Get off your y bum and get your freak on!” Mitch blasted the speakers to Missy Elliot and started counting from five to eight to que me.

 

“You're acting like he's out of touch, babe.” Mitch said as she bent over to touch the floor with her fingertips. “He calls you everyday!”

 

“Is it so wrong to miss him?!” I protested, looking at her through the mirror.

 

“Nice!” a raspy voice called followed by a whistling tune from the open doors of the studio.

 

“Get a life, !” Mitch yelled back. The guy held his hands up and walked away. “I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just saying it's not healthy.” she continued her lecture.

 

“I'm doing the best I can to live without him physically around but--” I was cut short by her gasp.

 

“You want some, don't you?! You miss his--” I pounced on her before she could finish her sentence.

 

“I can live without it! You know that! You're such a psycho!” I yelled.

 

“You're right.” Mitch sat up from the floor and stretched her legs. She reached for her toes, touching her forehead to her knees. “You just had two years worth of in two months. You can totally survive.”

 

I hit her back with my palm. “Ouch! What the hell?! It's true isn't it?! Are you sure you're not pregnant?!” Mitch rose from her position.

 

“You're insane...” I couldn't think of a better comeback. I pitied myself. There goes my mojo.

 

I did as she did but I couldn't quite make my forehead meet my knees. Mitch crawled to my side and pressed on my lower back. Another raspy voice yelled.

 

“Woooo, Mitchie Lee!” a low-life called.

 

“Go yourself, dork!” Mitch yelled back.

 

“Why don't you just close the door so we can have some peace in here?” I suggested.

 

“And die of a heatstroke? No.” Mitch went back to her place and crossed her right leg to her left side, twisting her upper body. “And the kids aren't here yet. Leave it.”

 

I shrugged and mirrored her. For some odd reason, those doors reminded me of Yunho. I couldn't put my finger on it but it just does. It's been bothering me for a week now. I've been staring at them all day but I just don't know what it was about those doors that made me connect it to Jung Yunho.

 

I see his face everywhere. Everything I look at, I'm reminded of him. Whenever I pass by a sign, I try to find out how many Yunho's I can make out of the letters. I match stranger's clothes with his. Even when I close my eyes, I see him.

 

Is this how it feels? To miss someone so much, you could barely breathe, eat and sleep? To long for someone so much, you could barely talk straight, make sense or shoot a comeback? To love someone so much that it hurts, it haunts and it kills?

 

It's no lie that he's all I ever think about... that he's constantly on my mind. Even as I dance or pack up for the dorm, I just can't get him out of my head. Every time my cell rings I frantically answer, hoping to hear a 'Sunmi? Yah. How are you?'. Or a 'Mi, told you I'd call. Am I too late? Too early?'. Or perhaps a 'Still awake? Did I wake you? Dammit. Did I mix up my times again?'.

 

I was beyond crazy in love. And everyone can tell.

 

“When are you ever gonna keep your promise to me that you'll find me hot, y, totally-my-type dude to have and to hold like your precious Yunnie bear?” Mitch whined.

 

“Yunnie bear?!” I raised my voice in volume and pitch. “What the hell is that?”

 

“He’s adorable, right? What’s more adorable than a bear?” she smiled ever so widely. I rolled my eyes at her but couldn’t help but smile as well. She’s contagious…

 

‘Ring ding dong ring ding dong ring diggy ding diggy ding ding ding!’

 

I screamed with sheer joy. “THAT’S HIM!!!” I rushed to my bag over the corner of the studio. Mitch followed close behind acting just as crazy as I was. Once my hand was able to grab my phone, I pulled it out. But it wasn’t Yunho…

 

“.” Mitch filled in. “Sunny… don’t.”

 

It said, ‘Kim Jaejoong calling…’