When she woke up, the pain pills had worn off and the numbness had faded. And she was beginning to feel even more devastated. Burying her face in her pillow, the sobs flowed from her in an almost violent sense. She was miserably aware of what was happening and her complete inability to stop it from happening. 

The doctor had told her she still need to come in to have blood tests to confirm if she was miscarrying. But Seungyeon didn't need the confirmation. It was her body, her baby. And she knew. The dream she had oly just realized she wanted, was being painfully taken away.

She really didn't know how long she had laid there in bed, letting her tears fall. She only knew that when she rolled out of bed to go to the bathroom, the sun was up. It was time to face her day. She showered, she dressed, she ate another piece of bread, she sent Soojung a text telling her that she didn't feel well and was going back to bed. And the she did just that. She crawled back in her bed; waiting until she needed to be at her appointement. She avoided looking at her desk; the book sitting on it was too much to handle at that moment. She avoided a phone call from an obviously worried Soojung, knowing that telling anyone what was happening would be simply be too much. She couldn't deal with anything at that moment. She would deal with everything later, once she knew for sure.

Later that day, after the blood draw, after the agonizing hour at home waiting for a phone call, she knew for sure. It was over. She was waiting at her OBGYNE's office when the doctor told her the news. And it was there that she sat as it hit her. It was really over. Her hand moved to her stomach and the tears started to flow.

It had been barely a day that Seungyeon had sat with this terrible feeling. Barely a day since she had discovered those spots that left her devastated. She had initially been hopeful; maybe it ws normal to experience cramping and light bleeding. But it wasn't. And as the news settled in, so did the sorrow that came with it.

It had been a day; one long, excruciating day she spent fighting every impulse to call Jonghyun and grieve over this baby that would never be. Onde day trying not to sound too sad, too hurt; too broken. She was in desperate need of comfort, yet there was no comfort to be found. She thought of calling her mother or one of her sisters, but the thoguht of telling them the whole story made her sick. She thought of calling Soojung, but couldn't bring herself to erase all of the excitement they had shared the last few days.

She needed Jonghyun, her sweetheart, her rock; her reliable source of comfort. But her heart was conflicted. Somewhere deep, deep down, she really longed to keep him far away from this grief she felt; keep his heart from sinking to where hers was. He had called twice that day and was most likely sitting in his studio in that moment, working; oblivious to what was happening to her. And she almost preferred it that way 

It was terrible; the thought of telling him. The look she knew would spring to his eyes, the words she knew he would say in hopes of comforting her. And she hated it so much but hated herself so much more. Because, even though Jonghyun didn't know about the baby, even though he didn't know about all of the plans she had already made in her mind, she still felt like she was taking something away from him. And it broke her heart more than anything.

She was going back to bed. She needed to pull it together before he calls again and the only way to do that was to try and sleep off these emotions.

Stopping by the kitche