I look at my watch and notice how long I’ve been running. I cannot let the cut-out-time cut me out in this marathon so I push myself harder to run faster. TaecYeon is running beside me, foolish boy, he could have finished by now if he’s not following my running pace. I look at him and he gives me a sweet smile and hangs his hand above asking for a high-five. I ignore him, any distraction, any movement requires a piece of my energy and I’d like to focus the energy to get into the finish line within two hours. We already covered 25 kilos so far, more than half the length already passed.

The Seoul marathon starting point was the well-known place of statue of Admiral Yi Sun Shin. From there we ran around the north part of Han River. I keep on telling myself that if I see Han River, it means my race is about to come to an end. We passed by Seoul forest and an hour later we’re crossing the Jamsil Bridge. I keep on telling myself to lift my foot one by one. I must get to the finish line. I don’t care if I pass-out, I don’t care if I have to be taken to the hospital, as long as I finish the marathon and get the medal.

TaecYeon always ask me why I wanted to try out for a full marathon, I told him I just need a challenge to keep going. I said that I need reachable goals to keep me motivated and not thinking about another suicide. At least that’s what I told him.

Honestly my goal is to let go of the past. I promised myself if I can get through this challenge, I can conquer anything. I can let Cho KyuHyun go, I can let him live his perfect life with his wife and kid. I swore to myself that if I finish this race, I will throw my wedding ring into the Han River. I even thought about giving TaecYeon a chance to have a date with me