A/N: So sorry for not updating for a long time (almost a month). I'm sure you're all tired of hearing how I was busy with school stuff. But I think things got pretty sensitive, too, for me to update. I'm hoping that it's all right now. On another note, I know I said that I'm planning on ending this soon, but I'm gonna have to delay it. because there's only five weeks left of the semester and I really have to focus on my academics if I want to graduate soon. I might not be able to update for weeks again but please wait for me. So, that's that. Here's chapter 22 for y'all. Lowkey (or not) inspired by Troye Sivan's Lost Boy. - Bluekimchi 

-------------------------

“Yeah. I’ve changed it for some time now.” Seulgi finally replies. Seungwan's hand makes to break out of her grasp but she holds onto it tighter with no intention of letting her slip away from her.

The movement only warrants attention from Soojung and her eyes train on their linked hands.

“I see.” She mutters. Her gaze moves up to Seungwan who can't help but to hide shyly behind Seulgi's shoulder.

“What brings you here?” Seulgi asks, voice bordering on hostile. She pulls Seungwan to stand next to her, squeezing her hand so tight now that her fingers are going numb.

Soojung is thrown off guard.

“Oh, umm, the party was getting too stuffy and I… I wanted to greet you a happy birthday even if it’s late.” Leave it to Soojung to run away from an event specially prepared for her engagement. Why is Seulgi even surprised?

“I can still do that, right?” Soojung looks at her, waits for her answer.

Seulgi wonders if she can, if she should be allowed to. She looks at Seungwan and she looks back at her with so much unease that it makes her frown.

“We should go inside.” Seulgi says, pulls Seungwan with her and pushes past Soojung to get to the door.

“Oh, and you can come in if you want to.” She says over her shoulder, without sparing her a look.

--

It's not the first time for Seungwan to witness this side of Seulgi. It’s a little bit startling because it feels as if they know everything about each other already and things like this caught them off guard, reminding them that there is still so much to know.

Seungwan can’t really help but to be surprised, because, to her, Seulgi's always been warm, harmless, and the ‘you can't help but to love' kind of person. And she's not any of that tonight, at least not to her. If she was ever on the receiving end of this cold treatment, even if she knows Seulgi wouldn't do anything to hurt her, she'd still be damned scared. Thankfully, she isn't. She can’t say the same for Soojung though.

Seungwan's hand tremble as she stirs a teaspoon of honey into the cup of tea that's for Soojung. Seulgi notices and she places a hand over Seungwan’s own, the one that is not busy. Seungwan has to swallow, looks up at her.

Seulgi's eyes look soft as they gaze into hers, not cold and unwelcoming compared to how she looked at Soojung minutes ago.

“Are you…” Seulgi starts.

“I'm all right.” Seungwan says, tries to mean it. She shouldn’t be the one being asked if she’s all right! After all, her ex wasn’t the one who just walked through the front door. That much Seungwan knows.

But then again, why does Soojung have to come now when things are finally starting to go their way? This isn't an omen that worse things are coming, right? She and Seulgi are just getting started. Not even an hour had passed when Seulgi told her that they're starting a family together with Yerim!

“I'm sorry about this.” Seulgi looks at her apologetically. For a moment, Seungwan has to wonder what she's apologizing for. “I'm being scary, aren't I?”

Oh. Seungwan thinks back on how Seulgi was ‘scary’ towards Bomi these past few weeks. But no. This is different.

“A little.” Seungwan admits. But who can blame Seulgi? “You don't have to be sorry though, Seulgi.”

A moment passes when it occurs to Seungwan. Could Seulgi be doing this for her? Is the cold treatment for Soojung to dispel any doubts that she has that Seulgi might still have lingering feelings for her?  

When Seulgi speaks, she finds that may very well be the case. At least to some extent.

“You're not having second thoughts about anything, are you?” Seulgi’s forehead crinkles as she looks at her.

“There’s no reason why I should doubt.” She musters a smile and squeezes Seulgi’s hand.

To be honest, she wasn't worried about that. She just knew deep inside that Seulgi was hers and she was Seulgi’s entirely. Rather, what’s she’s worried about is that Soojung’s mere presence is a sign that there will be more threats to come. If it is, does that mean that they're not really meant to be happy?

“Of course, there isn't.” Seulgi says, smiles too.

 “We'll talk some more about Yerim in the morning. You can tell me all about her. For now, go upstairs and get ready for bed.” So this is Seulgi telling her that they're still on their way to their happiness, to starting a family and to stopping from getting hurt. Seungwan feels her heart soar.

“What about you though?” She takes Seulgi’s hand into her own.

“We might have some things to talk about. Me and Soojung.” Closure. Yes, it's only fair that Seulgi gets hers too.

“Will you be all right?”

“Of course, I will be. I have you.” Seulgi's trust in her is overwhelming that makes it clear that what’s left for her to do is to make sure it doesn’t go to waste.

“Okay, then. I'll be waiting for you upstairs.” She says, Seulgi’s cheek.

Seulgi smiles, nods.

She hands her the cup and turns.

“Seungwan-ah,” Seulgi calls for just as she heads for the stairs. “I’m in love with you, okay? I love you. Don’t you ever forget that.”

“I feel the same, Seulgi. I really do.” She says, meaning every word.

--

The room is dead silent as if in preparation for all the questions to be asked, for all the words left unsaid to be finally said. Two years was not a short time and a lot has changed since then. Well, it probably depends on the way a person would look at it.

Soojung sits on the couch with her hands wrapped around the mug of tea she doesn't drink. A change of clothes and a blanket is neatly folded on one side of the couch for her to use or to ignore (really, Seulgi couldn’t care less what she does with it).

Her eyes move to and fro, never staying in one place, skimming past every nook and cranny of the living room. She pauses to look at the corner where Seulgi works for a long time while Seulgi leans on a far wall, watching and waiting for her to say something. Seulgi thinks that maybe Soojung’s seeing for herself just how much had changed during her absence and it caught her off guard. She thinks it’s sloppy of her. The Soojung she knew wasn’t one to show a weakness of any sort.

“I see that some things never changed.” Soojung says. Maybe that’s what she would like to think. Seulgi only shrugs in reply. “But the code… 0221?”

Soojung looks away from the corner and at her.

“Seungwan's birthday.” Seulgi says, stares right back at her.

“Oh.” Soojung mutters. “That's in a few days.”

“It is. We actually celebrated it today along with mine because we have other plans for her exact birthday.” Seulgi crosses her arms over her chest. “I want everything to be perfect for her on that day. I won't let anything ruin it for her.” She looks directly into Soojung's eyes daring for her to take the hint.

Something breaks inside of Soojung and she has to look away. Seulgi watches as her eyebrows furrow and her forehead wrinkles. She's hit a chord.

“You've always been big on occasions. Especially birthdays and Christmas-” Soojung tries to go on, pretends that nothing happened but Seulgi cuts her off.

“Why are you here, Soojung?” Like everything between them, the time for small talk is over. This isn’t some heartwarming reunion for them to be taking things slow. It’s time to face the facts and talk straight. 

Soojung looks shaken. Seulgi finds that it doesn't have any effect on her like it did before. It doesn’t make her feel sorry or regretful over anything she said or did. It doesn’t make her feel like she’s the worst person in the world. Not anymore.

“I… I wanted to see how you were doing.” Soojung says, swallows.

“You've already seen. What else are you here for?” Seulgi raises an eyebrow. Soojung falls silent for a moment, thinks really hard before answering.

“I know I haven't exactly been a good person to you but I wanted to explain-”

Hearing those words, Seulgi feels her heart swell with anger, filling to the brim until it’s just about to explode. When she breathes in, it’s as if she’s breathing in fire.

“Explain what, Soojung? I waited for two whole years for you to do that and now the time is up.” Her jaw is clenched. She comes up short of breath and sweating hard. “You've come a little too late.”

“Can't you just hear me out, Seulgi? Please.” Soojung looks up at her with eyes pleading.

Something she’s never seen her do even in the time they were together, through the last year of high school and the entirety of her college years.

It's funny how the last time they met, Seulgi was the one doing the pleading, begging and begging with all that she has for her to stay and now the tables have turned. Though she can’t be sure of why Soojung is begging her to listen. Still, fate is cruel and karma is a .

Seulgi hears herself laugh at the thought. For the longest time, seeing Soojung again was just about putting Seulgi out of her misery and now, it’s become a comedy. She never thought she would get so much satisfaction just hearing this girl beg.

“What for? It's not going to change anything. I’m happy with Seungwan and I would never do anything to destroy that.” She narrows her eyes at her, takes a deep breath before relaxing. “And you’re engaged to Jongin, aren’t you? Or did you need reminding?”

Kim Jongin, that bastard. Seulgi still considers him as a friend even after everything that happened. She knew him all throughout her childhood. She knew that he and Soojung had a lot in common whereas she and her, they were total opposites. She should have seen it coming. But it’s not like he deliberately planned on stealing Soojung from her. It was something that just happened. 

And if her memory serves her right, they never did anything behind her back. They didn’t sleep around or do any of that while Soojung was still with her. They had the decency not to so maybe Seulgi owes Jongin this much as well. (But mostly, having Seungwan is enough not to give Soojung any reason to think that she wants her back). Besides, Soojung has to stop this game of hurting people every time they give her a ring which is most likely the case here - Soojung and her damned cold feet.

“But what if I don't care? What if I want you back?” Soojung takes a step closer to her and she takes a step back.

“Can't you take me back?” Her eyes shake and glisten with tears like she could be sincere. Seulgi could actually fall for it if she doesn't know any better.

She laughs again, a sound ringing and cutting through the silence.

How come the ones who do the leaving are the only ones who can do the returning? What does that make of the ones who were left behind? Are they just taken for fools? That's just ed up. And who does this girl think she is?

“I'm afraid you can’t do that.” She finally says.  “You see, I’m done holding on. I'm not the same Seulgi you knew, Jung Soojung. Do you really think you can just leave me and then come back for me just as you please?”

Soojung doesn't have an answer to that. Instead, she starts to cry.

“Do you even have any idea of how much you put me through? Well, I'm sorry if I can't be happy to see you when looking at you just reminds me of how much you hurt me. Why did you even keep me around if you weren't even capable of loving me?” Seulgi looks at her in disbelief.

She worked so hard for Soojung to notice her, for Soojung to fall for her, for Soojung to want her. She worked her hardest for Soojung to stay and when Soojung didn’t, she had no one but herself to blame for not being good enough. It took Seulgi so long to realize that the problem wasn’t her and she’s never going back to that place again.

So when Soojung suddenly says “Seulgi, that's not true. I did love you.”

Seulgi laughs again, this time it’s laced with all the bitterness she could spit out.

“Oh, that's right. I loved you with every bit of my being, with everything that I had. And sometimes, you loved me too. You loved me when it was easy. You loved me when it was fun.”

“That's not true.” Soojung steps closer to her again and Seulgi just sighs, puts her hands up in surrender.

“Soojung, it's late. If you’re feet are cold, I’ll lend you some socks.” Seulgi looks at her, tries to get her to understand that she really is done with everything. “Please just go to sleep or leave. Just do one of those two. Today was a really long day and I'm tired.”

But it looks like Soojung’s not letting go so easily.

“Wendy…” She mutters just as Seulgi’s turns her back on her.

“What?” Seulgi has no choice but to face her again.

“She asked Peter Pan to stay and not go back to Neverland. She offered him a family and a home but Pan... Pan was a lost boy and wasn't one to settle for anything less than his freedom.” She wipes her tears away with one hand.

“What are you talking about now?” Seulgi frowns at her.

“Your Seungwan… Her English name is Wendy.” Soojung says. Seulgi wonders if she’s trying to point out a parallelism of some sort here. “She lived overseas for a long time, didn't she?”

Yes, Seungwan did live in Canada. And yes, her English name is Wendy (Tiffany mentioned this to her in passing some time ago). But how does Soojung know?

“How do you know about this?” She takes a step forward, defensive. There’s no way she would let anyone hurt Seungwan, especially this girl.

Seulgi gets this point across so clear because Soojung looks even more… hurt?

“You tell me, Seulgi. If I never loved you and had stopped caring about you a long time ago, would I know this now?” Her tone rises as she stands.

“You did a background check on her?” Seulgi matches up to it, not backing down.

“Because I didn't want you to get hurt!” She yells.

“But you didn't need to worry about that part because that's already covered, isn't it? You made sure of it.” Seulgi spits.

Soojung blinks in recoil. When Seulgi puts it like that, she really doesn't stand a chance. Her shoulders slouch forward in defeat.

“You really do hate me, huh?” Seulgi screws her eyes shut, tired.

“I can't blame you. You have every reason to so let me take it all back. I won't ask for you to leave her for me nor will I ask you to take me back.” Soojung continues.

Seulgi opens her eyes, sees Soojung looking at her intently.

“But I also won't go without telling you the truth.”

“Soojung-”

“I knew everything, Seulgi. I knew that what I did hurt you so bad that you had to be taken to a mental institute. I came to see you there! Don't you remember?” Soojung's voice breaks.

“What?” This is the first time Seulgi is hearing this.

“You had a meltdown when I told you about me and Jongin that you needed to be heavily sedated. After that, your dad filed a restraining order against me. He made sure that I was in no way going to be anywhere near you.”

Seulgi blinks back at her, unable to believe what she was hearing.

“I wasn't allowed to see you! Bomi unnie wouldn’t help me because she hated me for what I did to you! Don't you see? I tried to reach out to you, Seulgi.” She half-sits, half-falls down on the couch, cradles her head in her hands.

Soojung may very well be telling truth but Seulgi has no way of confirming anything. And even if she did, what’s the point? Soojung knew that well and it shows as she sits on that couch, out of strength and a hopeless mess.

Why did she even come? Even that was unclear to Soojung herself. When she heard from Bomi that Seulgi is finally moving on, she just got very confused because she remembers being seventeen and being new to everything. She remembers being called ‘transfer student’ by everyone in class because it was too soon for them to be bothered calling her by her name despite the name tag pinned to her uniform. And she remembers not caring about that until the day she met Seulgi.

Only Seulgi ever bothered to ask if she was okay, to ask if she needed help with anything even though she wasn’t the teacher’s assigned guide, even though she’s from a different class. Only she could make her feel comfortable in a school full of strangers. Only she could make Soojung feel safe and feel wanted. Only she could smile like that and do away with Soojung’s heart.

But now, the girl who made her feel all those things refuses to even look at her. And how can she say that she never loved her? She loved Seulgi. Her parents might not have disowned her like Seulgi’s did, but that doesn’t mean that she wouldn’t have gone through the same thing for her. They were together through that. How can Seulgi say that she didn’t love her? She’s never been good at expressing her emotions but she did love Seulgi even though she couldn’t show it well.

And the thing about settling down. Seulgi talked a lot about it, dreamt of nothing but tying the knot with her, thinking that it was the only way to go, thinking that Soojung thought the same but she was just humoring her, going around in circles with her because she wasn’t ready, wasn’t sure about Seulgi because they were still too young! But that doesn’t change the fact that she loved her.

Soojung just wasn’t ready. That’s when she met Jongin. Jongin was kind and charming and not in a hurry. And she fell in love with him. While Seulgi, Soojung grew to resent her the more she stayed with her. She argued with her, fought a lot with her, wishing to push her to the edge so she would break up with her but Seulgi didn’t. Instead, Seulgi put up with everything because she loved her.

Despite all of that, Soojung loved Seulgi. Every bit of their time together was real for her as much as it was for Seulgi and she has to let her know. Apparently, that’s the only thing that she can do now, let her know that she loved her; let her know that she was not in love alone.

“I know this won't change anything but you should know that I never stopped caring about you, Seulgi. You should know that I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry, Seulgi.”  She looks down on her clenched hands, tears falling on her lap.

It gets quiet for a long time. Soojung’s apology hangs in the air while Seulgi just watches her.

Seeing Jung Soojung, the almighty Jung Soojung, like this, Seulgi allows her heart to break for her one last time. She'd be lying to herself if she lets Soojung take all the blame. She knew she had some to share as well. Their relationship was dysfunctional for the most part and even she knew it but she was selfish and held onto Soojung, not realizing that by doing so hurt her that in the end, they both just hurt each other.

So Soojung is sorry for that, sorry for hurting Seulgi, and sorry for building up Seulgi's hopes high only to knock it down and leave her for dead under the rubble. She’s sorry for leading her to believe that she was ready to settle when in fact, she was a lost girl even worse than Peter Pan.

And as for Seulgi, she’s sorry too. Sorry for not being brave enough to let Soojung go, for not seeing that what Soojung needed isn't her. Had they both recognized that sooner, they would have saved themselves from so much pain. They wouldn’t have wasted so much time. They shouldn’t waste any more time.

So now, Seulgi doesn’t hate Soojung for falling in love with Jongin. After all, it’s not a crime to love. If it was, then she’d be in jail too. It really was something that just happened. Like her and Seungwan. But she doesn’t say any of it aloud and instead just watches the girl she once loved break apart for her for the first and last time.

“Even if it's not now, I hope that you'll be able to forgive me.” Soojung wipes her tears and in one swift motion, gets up and heads for the door. “I’ll be going now. I'm sorry for the inconvenience.”

Seulgi catches her by the wrist as she passes her. Then she shakes her head at her. “Stay the night. I know you hate the cold. It's too late to go anyway so just stay. I'm sure Seungwan would like that too. And Jongin… he wouldn’t want you being out so late either.”