"Seungwan?"

"Seungwan-ah, we have guests coming in fifteen minutes."

"Seungwan?"

"She might be asleep. Let's just leave her be."

"Seulgi might come looking for her though. It's New Year's Eve too."

"We can try again later. Let's go, yeobo."

Seungwan hears footsteps moving away, bounding down the stairs. She hugs her legs tighter, curling up under the covers, seeking for the comfort that is never coming. 

Maybe she should sleep it off. That's the only alternative she has because the pills won't help. Her doctor has lowered her dosage, thinking that she's doing well but that's clearly a big mistake because she's relapsing now. And it's not very nice.

There's the hollow feeling in her chest and a crippling ache in her bones. She knows she should do something to distract herself from the pain but she can't even get out of bed. It all makes her feel even lonelier and emptier than usual.

Her bedroom door creaks open and she squints in the darkness. With the help of what little light that floods to her room from the hall, she recognizes that it's Seulgi, hesitant to come in.

"Can I?" Seulgi's voice is loud, rings in the quietness of her room.

But Seungwan can't find her voice and resorts to just looking at her. Seulgi takes the silence as confirmation as she heads for the nightstand and flicks the lamp on and it bathes the room in dim orange light. Seungwan blinks.

"I just thought it would be better if someone the lights. Do you mind?" Seulgi asks. Seungwan only stares back.

"They're eating downstairs. Taeyeon unnie is wondering if you want to join them." Seulgi speaks again. This time, Seungwan knows she has to answer so she does, after a long pause.

"I'm not hungry." She croaks.

"They said you didn't eat lunch either-"

"Not hungry." She repeats, clearer this time. "You?"

Seulgi shakes her head, takes a deep breath.

"It's that bad, huh?" She says.

Seungwan swallows. Of course. Out of all the people here, only Seulgi would have an idea of how she feels. 

This realization gets her to try to sit up but she finds that she can't. Seulgi sees her struggle and moves closer to her until she's sitting next to her on the bed, so she wouldn't have to feel bad about not being able do this simple task.

"Want to talk about it?" She offers with much caution in her tone.

"I..." Seungwan looks at her, tries to decide where to start but even she has no idea what she's feeling at the moment. "I don't know. Honestly. It's just really bad tonight."

"Yeah, I get that a lot too." Seulgi says. "There's this sadness and you don't know where it's coming from. It's just that it hurts so much." 

With each word, warmth radiates from her, and it actually feels really comforting for Seungwan. Maybe she's too weak to want to run away from this like she did last time. But she finds that not fighting it somehow helps.

"But you know what, when I feel that, I think about what Soojung would do if she were around." She pauses. "I think about what she would say to me and how she would react, if she would be disappointed or not." Seulgi's forehead creases as she talks and Seungwan watches her carefully, wonders why there's something else with the way she said Soojung's name (Maybe there's a little less fondness and a just a slight hint of bitterness?). Nevertheless, she clears and continues.

"Maybe thinking about what Joohyun unnie would do will help you. This is her, right?" Seulgi points to the framed picture on the nightstand. "She's really pretty. You look good together."

Seungwan musters a small smile because she knows Seulgi genuinely means it, that she isn't just saying it for the sake of cheering her up.

"So, what do you think she'll say when she sees you like this?" Seulgi says.

"She'll probably just hold me close and sit with me for the whole night." She replies.

"That's nice. She seems nice. What was she like?" Seulgi dares to ask.

"She's very sweet and caring. She loved me." Seungwan replies, becomes quiet right after, thinking.

Seulgi nods. She feels like she should say more but she doesn't know if it would be alright to so she lets Seungwan steer the conversation.

"She's a bit like Taeyeon unnie. Looks like her too. She liked touching my ." She blushes at that.

"She's really, incredibly touchy. And she liked carrot cake! Taeyeon unnie would act all hurt whenever Joohyun unnie says she likes my recipe more than hers. And she loves ironing and doing the laundry so much!" Seungwan suddenly sits up, a newfound burst of energy flowing through her veins. 

Seulgi gets a glimpse of what she was like before Joohyun left. And it's nice because it proves her wrong about Seungwan and she likes it because she's getting to know her but it all goes as quickly as it came. 

Seungwan deflates like a balloon and falls sideways into Seulgi who holds her up by wrapping an arm around her. Seungwan's body starts to shake and Seulgi holds her tighter as she is wracked by sobs.

"I miss her so much. I miss holding her. I miss kissing her. I miss talking to her. I will never stop missing her." She sounds tired, Seulgi thinks. 

And she doesn't feel sorry for her. If anything, hearing Seungwan talk like this makes her feel like she's known her her whole life. Because their pain is not the same but it's not entirely different either.

"I know." She mutters, hand rubbing Seungwan's back in an attempt to comfort her.

"This room feels empty without her. The whole house does. Everywhere I go, I can't help but feel empty and I hate it so much." Tears stream down her face like it did that night in the rain. But her eyes look past walls and it's as if she's seeing Joohyun standing there across the room, eyes sad and hands reaching out to her.

She thinks about what Joohyun would say like what Seulgi had suggested and she hears her voice ring in her head. It's enough to make her cry and go weaker than she already is.

So hold my hand. You don't have to be alone in this, you know?

Seungwan smiles bitterly.

"There are nights when I can't sleep because I hear the stairs creak like it used to when she comes home." 

She keeps talking and the more she says, the more Seulgi feels like she isn't the one she's saying these things to. It's as if she's having a conversation with Joohyun. Seulgi just lets her.

That's the house telling you to close your eyes. It's nothing you should worry about, Wan-ah.

"It's foolish but sometimes I like to think that she has finally come back, that all of this is just a bad dream and that I'll wake up soon." Seungwan continues.

"Some days I think of that. Some days I can't even dress myself. Like today." She laughs bitterly and gestures to her clothes - pajamas that she has been wearing since last night.

You know that it kills me to see you this way, right?

"I think I should get up and do something but there's an old voice in my head that holds me back."

I miss you too. I miss our little talks. But don't you think it's time?

"I'd give anything to be with her again. I don't know if I am wrong or right but I think that maybe I should just follow her. She's never coming back so that may really be the only option for me."

Don't, Seungwan. Your mind is playing tricks on you. You know I would never ask you to do that. I would never want you to do that.

"I know she's gone. I watched her disappear. And now I'm torn apart and I don't know what to do. Is there anything I can do?" Her voice breaks and she cries into her hands. Seulgi's hand is steady on her back, providing some strange comfort there.

You can let it go. You can let me go.

"I'm so tired, Seulgi." She finally admits, brings her hand up to wipe her tears away as Seulgi looks at her, really looks at her.

Her hair is messy. Her eyes are puffy. She barely has the strength to sit up. Seulgi sees a woman who has been strong for so long. A woman who has hid her pain and kept it to herself. And she's in awe.

Seulgi gently lays her on the bed, pulls the cover up to her chest.

"So sleep." She says, voice soft. "It's okay to not be okay sometimes, Seungwan." 

"You don't have to beat yourself up for it." Her hand stops brushing her hair midaway, unsure as to why she's touching Seungwan like this. But it feels so right to so she forgets about the repercussions and resumes.

"I'd say something about silver linings if I weren't so afraid of getting hit." Seulgi says.

Suddenly, everything feels okay. Not okay okay. Just okay enough for her to see hope again.

Even Seungwan admits that she feels better now because the crying helped, the talking helped but most of all, there's a warm feeling blossoming in her chest, spreading to the tips of her fingers and her toes and she smiles.

"That and I'm really not so sure about them anymore." Seulgi confesses, eyes dropping to look on her hand.

"Is that something like a bad New Year's resolution?" Seungwan asks. "Don't. Don't give up on that , Seulgi."

"Why shouldn't I?" Seulgi looks up, patiently waits for Seungwan to get the courage to continue.

"Maybe I could use some of that right now." She squeezes her hand.

"Are you having a change of heart?" 

"Maybe I do. Maybe I don't." Her shoulders shrug and her lips form a lopsided grin.  She's considering it. And for Seulgi, that's as good as a yes. "Happy New Year?"

Fireworks go off in the distance, visible through Seungwan's bedroom window. The chorus of that old hymn echoes in the entire street as the clock strikes twelve. Seulgi's too happy that she fails to realize what she's doing until it's done. Seungwan's cheek is pale, soft, and kinda warm against but as she pulls away, it's streak with red and she knows hers is too because, holy , she just kissed her on the cheek.

--

Drugs can only do so much, Seulgi figures. She remembers taking all of her nightly meds in the right amount, especially the ones that are supposed to help her sleep, but here she is, lying in bed, staring at the ceiling of her room at a quarter past 3 in the morning.

She kissed Seungwan. 

And well, Seungwan is married. Soojung would be so disappointed at her for cheating. What was she even thinking?! Oh right. She wasn't thinking. If she had been, she would definitely not do that. But what's done is done. 

Seulgi is a horrible, horrible person. Maybe God was testing her. And she, without a doubt, failed that test. What would Soojung think of her now? So unfaithful, so selfish. She would be so hurt and she'll probably take longer coming back to her if she's coming back at all because cheaters never win, never get a happy ending. She realizes that she should come clean. But how? She has no way of contacting Soojung.

She finds herself at the foot of Chorong and Bomi's bed, hands trembling and eyes pouring out tears. She thinks she somehow softly called out to them because they stir in their sleep and Bomi cusses really hard, jumps back against the headboard in shock as Chorong turns on the lamp on the sidetable.

"Jesus Christ, Seulgi!" She yells. "You almost gave me a heart attack! What do you think you're doing playing crying lady ghost in our bedroom?" 

"Yeah, what's wrong, Seulgi?" Chorong is gentler, the total opposite of how Bomi reacted.

"Soojung..." 

Bomi sighs dramatically and Chorong just gives her a worried look.

"What about her?"

"I need to talk to her. I-I have to tell her I'm sorry for cheating."

"What?"

"I kissed Seungwan on the cheek." Her crying becomes hysterical and her vision gets blurry with all the tears that she misses how Chorong smiles and how Bomi bites back a laugh.

"Oh, Seulgi."

"Stop crying now. I'm sure Soojung won't mind. A kiss on the cheek can hardly be considered cheating." Bomi says, runs her hand through her hair. "If anything she should-"

Bomi stops.

"What?"

"Forget it. Never mind. It's nothing." But it doesn't feel like it's nothing to Seulgi. Not when she actually feels like Bomi is keeping things from her. Again.

"Bomi's right. And besides, Seungwan is your friend. Friends give each other friendly gestures like kisses on the cheek. It's totally normal because you guys are friends. You're friends, right?" Chorong diverts her attention and it actually works.

"Is it?" Seulgi hiccups, stops crying.

"Of course." Chorong and Bomi exchange looks as silence settles in the room.

"Why did you kiss Seungwan though?" Bomi asks when the silence drags on long enough.

"I just... it seemed right to at that moment. I don't know!"

Seulgi knows they're up to their old tricks of implying that there is more to her and Seungwan than just friendship and it makes her feel uncomfortable so she turns on her heel, wipes her tears with the sleeve of her pajamas and goes back to bed.

"Well, that could have gone worse." Bomi mutters, sliding back on the bed to lie down.

"They're really getting closer. Do you think they could use a little more push, Bbom-ah?" Chorong asks, genuinely curious.

"Nah. Just leave them up to their own devices. Even Seulgi feels it. Why do you think she feels so guilty over a kiss on the cheek?" Bomi points out.

"Hmm, true. But that could also be because she's a cute clueless bear."

"I'd like to think it's the other." Bomi snuggles closer to her.

"You've always been so optimistic." Chorong mumbles.

"One of the many reasons why you love me, right?" The younger girl jests.

"Go back to sleep." 

"Admit it first."

"I said sleep."

--------------------------

A/N: I was supposed to update before New Year's. Sorry for the delay. Anyway, this chapter was based on Little Talks by Of Monsters And Men. One of my favorite songs from that band. Yeah. So we're halfway through the story now. Thanks for sticking with me this far. I really appreciate all of your support. I will continue to give my best in writing this year. Happy new year! - Bluekimchi