I'm Sorry, I Love You

All You Have To Do Is Stay

A/N: I told ya I would update. - Bluekimchi

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The trip back to Seoul was something. A convoy of black cars was waiting for Seungwan and Seulgi the moment they step outside the cabin. It was a scene right out of a TV drama. Something she never imagined would happen to her, not even in her wildest dreams. Sometimes she fails to remember that Seulgi is a chaebol heiress because she doesn't act like one. It must be one of her many charms.

 

The cars take them back to Seoul via orders of Chairman Kang, aka Seulgi's father. Apparently, word got to him that his dear daughter run away so he pulled some strings to find Seulgi and make sure that she's alright. Seulgi did clear up the misunderstanding through a phone call but she was still called to meet her father in secret after they send Seungwan home.

 

So now, the two of them stand facing each other, in front of Taeyeon and Tiffany's house, not really holding on but not wanting to send each other away either. It's not that they're worried about being separated because they don't trust each other to stay true to what had happened during their trip but they can't help but things might turn to the moment they part.

 

"Will you be all right?" Seungwan asks. "I mean, you're going to see your dad again and we just got back from a really exhausting trip."

 

"I'll be fine. It's just my dad." Seulgi answers, smiles at her. Scratch that, Seungwan's the only one worried.

 

"What about running away? Are you going back to Bomi unnie's?" She presses on.

 

"No. I'll be staying at my studio for now." And Seulgi doesn't seem to be catching on. Why is Seungwan even worried again?

 

"But won't you be lonely there? What about your medicine?"

 

Seulgi chuckles, takes Seungwan's hand in her own.

 

"You can see me first thing tomorrow if that's what you're worried about. I can take care of myself for 18 hours, I swear."

 

Seungwan purses her lips, thinks things through.

 

"Okay." She finally concedes.

 

"Rest up for now. I'll see you tomorrow." Seulgi her cheek goodbye.

 

And with reluctance, Seungwan watches her get on the car and disappear. She stands in that spot long after Seulgi was gone, not really feeling up to going inside the house for some reason. The same gut feeling that something will happen is still there and she's not sure if that something is good or bad.

 

Taeyeon is the only one at home when she finally goes in. She pretty much just stuck her head through the small gap of her bedroom door to check who had arrived and then went back in. She must be doing work at home so she can't be bothered for a chat. And Seungwan wasn't up for any small talk either so she just heads to her bedroom to unpack.

 

Seungwan breathes a sigh of relief. Although some things do not sit well with her, it's still good to be back home. She puts her bag down and sits on the bed. She takes the framed picture of her and Joohyun from the bedside table, holds it against her heart carefully. She wonders what Joohyun would think of her and Seulgi. If she would get mad. If she would get hurt. Or if she would be happy for her.

 

But it's pointless. She'll never know what Joohyun would say so she replaces the frame on the table and starts unpacking. However, she barely opened her bag when she gets sidetracked, seeing her time capsule, the thing she went through so much trouble to get. She sighs. She didn't even get the chance to open it and reminisce like her friends did due to the fact that she and Seulgi were caught up in a storm, like literally and figuratively. But something good did come out of it so she might as well check what's inside now. She opens the cylinder and turns it over, a bunch of knick knacks fall out to her lap - a friendship bracelet, faded photographs of her and her friends, buttons, the letter she wrote to her future self and another folded piece of paper she didn't remember putting there.

 

Curious, she unfolds the paper and she is greeted with a handwriting she would always recognize among thousands, maybe even millions, of other handwritings - Joohyun's - and she realizes that this is what her gut is warning her about so she prepares herself, knowing that whatever is written here can not only make or break her, but do both.

 

--

 

My dearest Wan-ah,

 

This may come as a surprise to you but I snuck this letter in your time capsule before you left with your classmates. I know I haven't exactly been a good girlfriend to you lately. And it's not because of University either. I can't tell you about it right now but I will tell you soon, in person.

 

This letter is just plan B in case something happens before I can actually tell you. But by the time you find it, six or seven years may have already passed. I might have overlooked that part. But, hey, don't frown. I hate it when you frown. But it's really cute too, so whatever.

 

Anyway, here it goes.

 

Two weeks ago, I went to my aunt's clinic for a checkup. It turns out that I'm quite sick. I have lupus. , right? My auntie says that with some help, it may be cured. And I will take all the help I can get to get better for you and for myself because I'm serious about you, Son Seungwan. I love you. I really do. And we still have so many dreams and plans to work on together. I can't go before we accomplish all of that. And I don't ever want to go away from your side. You know that, right?

 

But I've thought about this a lot. It's going to be hard for us in the coming months, years maybe. You and I will get hurt one way or another. But you said it yourself, if we're going to hurt at all, it's better to hurt together. Now, this may just be me being selfish, but loving you is the only thing that keeps me from falling apart so I'm going to be selfish and greedy about you. I will keep you by my side even if a part of me says it would be best to let you go.

 

Well, I'm not sure about anything yet. Only time will tell of what will happen to me, to us.

 

But if I die and leave you behind, know that I have no regrets and that I lived my life well because I met you, because you loved me and I loved you. I will always love you. For some time, you'll feel sad and grieve but please don't let the pain of my departure corrupt you. This is really selfish of me but you really shouldn't. Seungwan, you're the most beautiful person I know, do not let anything corrupt that beauty. More so if it's because of me. I'm not good enough for you to destroy yourself for. In fact, if that happens, I'll never forgive myself and hate myself to death a thousand times over.

 

Here's a promise though. If I die, I'll be watching over you from above. And, this is bit hard for me to say right now but, I'll send someone to take care of you. Not take my place, no. You'll never meet anyone like me again. But I will send someone good enough. Someone who will hold you during your darkest nights. Someone who will smile with you during your brightest days. Someone who will drive away your biggest fears. Someone who will love you so much more than I ever can. Someone who will stay.

 

What I'm really saying is, live your life Seungwan because I lived mine.

 

I love you, Seungwan. Thank you for everything and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise of forever. I'm sorry I couldn't stay. I'm sorry. I love you.

 

Always, Your Joohyun

 

P.S. I'm not really sure how to end this letter and it would really be awkward if by the time you read this, I am alive and well. If that happens, burn this letter with flamethrowers. Burn it to ashes. Burn it into nothingness. Then slap me for being silly but maybe not in front of our kids.

 

P.P.S. If I really did die, I'm sorry. I love you.

 

--

 

When the tears stop, hours later, Seungwan finds herself lying on her back, in the grass, looking up at the vast night sky from their little garden. Joohyun had put it up years ago and Taeyeon it maintained ever since. Joohyun used to say that if they wouldn't add in other plants in the backyard, the old cherry tree (which was the only thing in it before) would feel lonely and that's the reason why she worked on it, starting with the small plants and adding in ornamental stuff later on.

 

Now that Seungwan thinks about it, Joohyun could've done it to make her feel less lonely like that old cherry tree because being here just gives Seungwan the feeling of being with Joohyun. It's not out of place for her to long to be with Joohyun again like this, right? It's like an entirely new world about Joohyun had opened up to her and, to be honest, she doesn't know what to do about it. She has so many questions to ask her.

 

She hears the sliding door from the kitchen open and footsteps approach. At the corner of her eye, she sees someone lie down next to her.

 

"I thought you said we'll see each other tomorrow?" Seungwan turns to Seulgi, gives her a small smile.

 

"I changed my mind." Seulgi looks at her with her forehead crinkled and her eyes searching. "What did you do while I was gone?"

 

"Oh, they told you, didn't they?" Seungwan asks.

 

"They did. But I'm asking now because I want to know for myself. How are you holding up?"

 

Seungwan sighs, puffs her cheeks out as she lets out a long exhale of air through her pouted lips.

 

"I don't know, Seulgi." She finally says. "I think I just got the closure I was looking for." She looks back at Seulgi and frowns, trying to decide how much more to say and not to say.

 

"Is it good that you did?" Seulgi asks, careful as if she's walking on a thin sheet of ice over a frozen lake so Seungwan knows that Seulgi knows more than enough.

 

"That's what I'm trying to figure out." She turns to lie on her side, facing Seugi.

 

This is uncharted waters for them because both of their lives up until now has been waiting, waiting for people to turn up and waiting for the reversal that would redeem them from the tragic twist fate has taken them to. Ironically, now that it's here, it's even more scarier than feeling uncertain if any of it would ever turn up.

 

In whatever case, Seulgi's always thought that talking helps and she has no intention of letting Seungwan go through this alone so she asks.

 

"Well, what is it that bothers you?" She lies on her side too so that she and Seungwan are facing each other, their head level with each other's.

 

Seungwan thinks. The things she doesn't know. The things she's unsure of. If this is the right thing to do. If Seulgi is who Joohyun had sent. If this means she'll have to forget Joohyun to start anew with Seulgi. If Seulgi feels as strongly for her as she does for Seulgi. If Seulgi would still stay with her if Soojung comes back.

 

That's a lot of ifs but instead of saying it out loud, Seungwan just takes the time to look at Seulgi. She looks at her like how she looked at the star-strewn sky moments ago, looks at her carefully and thinks harder.

 

She has a fair idea of what Joohyun would have wanted for her. Or wants for her (what's the right way to phrase it?). Is she happy? No, because it doesn't change the fact that Joohyun is gone. But is she at peace? Yes, because she doesn't have to feel guilty about this anymore.

 

"What's with that look? What are you thinking about?" Seungwan's eyes stare directly into Seulgi's.

 

Those eyes remind her that there are also things that she is sure of. And so she brings herself to answer.

 

"I'm thinking that if there's anything I'm sure of it's that I'm falling for you even more." She whispers.

 

Seulgi smiles at her and she smiles back. Their hands entwine, fingers weaving naturally like a wreath of flowers, beautiful and fragile. Seungwan's scared but here, right in front of her, is something worth fighting for and she pushes that fear aside. It seems like Seulgi agrees because she scoots closer to her so that the only thing in her vision is Seungwan.

 

"I think we'll have time to be lost and unsure." Seulgi starts. "But you can forget about that now because... it's my turn to fall for you." Seulgi runs a thumb over the back of her hand.

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matchasnow
Expect a double update by the end of the week! 8/15

Comments

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bluejin #1
Chapter 25: author-nim, i dont know if you’re gonna read this or not considering u uploaded this a long time ago, but im obsessed with your writings 🤩 i’ve been binge reading your stories for a few days now and im now out of stories to read haha well, thank you for writing this. it’s an amazing story
bluejin #2
Chapter 23: its almost 3 am and im way too deep to stop here
bluejin #3
Chapter 21: i sense trouble goodness
bluejin #4
Chapter 20: god the feeling of finally seeing both of them happy after seeing them go through depression is exhilarating
bluejin #5
Chapter 19: ugh the insecurity that she has is so real.. sometimes when people hurt you, you are bound to think that maybe there is something wrong with you. its amazing that seulgi has seungwan to remind her that she’s an amazing person
justforamin
#6
Chapter 25: Yeah, what a great story. I was in search of quality Seuldy/Wenseul ff, and as I found this I was very happy. I would say that everything was amazing. The emotions, the development, the pace of the story and most importantly how Seungwan dealt with all of her thoughts and made closure were all perfectly written. But, I would say that writing style in the story and manner of speech of Seulgi at the beginning were a little childish. P.S. Sorry for my English.
oncepandasone214 #7
love this story😍😭😍 the developments..felt the emotions....the storyline..just wow *chefs kiss* i love it all😍😭❤❤ the ride was amazing,thank you👏☺️😄
totapulchraes #8
Chapter 25: sis, i loved this story ♡ i loved the growth of the characters ♡ thank you
totapulchraes #9
Chapter 3: that's such a wholesome story ♡
totapulchraes #10
Chapter 1: this looks so promising ❤️ will read on