MEI sits on the side of the bed, her pale fingers running along the wilted edges of her diary. Coffee rings plastered on the top right corner of the blue paper, the few words on the cover (all written in English; that way her dad would never know what the book was about)—Zhao Mei Fen’s Long Life—are now blurry and the black penmanship is almost all dissolved leaving only the letters: h e L L. And she finds that perfect because her life back then was truly hell.

There’s a burn hole in the bottom left corner where her father had dabbed his cigarette because he was pissed off at her for writing everything about everything in it and decided to be an and try and destroy it. Thankfully she grabbed it out of his hand before he could rip all the pages out of the book, and damage it any further.  

“I told you, you’d end up staying.” Mei peers up from behind her bangs. There, leaning up against the door frame, arms crossed over his chest, a smile playing on his lips, and part of his auburn hair falling over his right eye: stands Jun. “I didn’t think you were going to leave in the first place. You’re too nice.”

Mei rolls her eyes. What does he know? All he’s ever heard is useless stories. He doesn’t know her truly. He doesn’t know about the real her. He may think he does, but he doesn’t. And that’s why she hates it when he tries to understand her or comes to a conclusion about her because he doesn’t know her.

“What do you know?” She mumbles while sliding the diary under her left thigh.

She hopes he doesn’t see that, but he does and he immediately points at it. “What’s that?” He takes a step into her room, and moves a piece of his hair out of the way to see better. He can see the piece of the cardboard stick out from beneath her thigh, and he can see some of the few crumbled white pages as well. That’s also when he looks to his left and see’s the closet filled with the furniture he remembers seeing on the front lawn of her house—right after her parents moved away. “It’s yours.”

Jing Jing had failed to tell him about keeping a hold of some of her things, and he had just thought that back then—when all of her stuff had disappeared—people had taken it or someone had called the dump truck to pick it up. He never imagined Jing Jing took it; though it doesn’t come as a surprise because Jing Jing always wanted a piece of Mei—to remember her by.

Mei simply nods her head as she pushes the diary further under her thigh, “Jing Jing kept it all for me. She hoped one day I’d come back and need a place to stay,” She pauses to sigh and fiddle with the hem of her shirt. “She wants it to be like it used to be.” It won't be. It'll never be.

“Can you blame her? It’s been three years.” Jun’s only joking when he says it, and the small smile never wavers from his lips. Yet the comment still disturbs Mei, and she hates the way it makes her insides feel like they’re burning.

He’s like a constant reminder of the fact she left, and it honestly repulses her. She, herself, repulses her. That’s not good. That’s not right. She should love herself. Just like Lucca and Bella told her. Loving yourself is the first step to being a better you.

A light knock on the open door grabs both of their attention. Soon Young stands next to it, his hand pushing his blonde hair out of his face and to the side. “Sorry to disturb you, but dinners ready.” He mumbles while gawkily bowing. Jun and Mei watch as he clumsily twists on the heel of his black shoes to turn toward the kitchen as he leaves.

Mei is caught off guard by the laughter that erupts from Jun. For some reason, she actually enjoys the sound of it. It reminds her of all the times she used to laugh like that. And it’s honestly been a while since she has. Envy rolls over her for a second. Envy because he can laugh so freely but she can’t.

She didn’t get the point of his laughter though. What’s he laughing at in the first place? “He’s awkward hunh?”

Mei doesn’t offer him a response, but instead stands up—revealing the tarnished book, once more grabbing his attention. She grasps the diary and places it in her side table drawer, after doing so she pointedly looks at Jun. “Don’t touch it.” He barely gets a chance to say ‘okay’ because she’s pushing right past him and making her way to the dining room table.

Jing Jing sits right next to her fiancé on the left side of the table, with Jun and Mei sitting on the other side. No one dares to glance at each other. For one, Mei’s nervous that if she dares to look Jing Jing in the eye, she might cry again despite Mei agreeing to stay for however long she—Jing Jing—wants. Two, Soon Young is deathly afraid of getting on the bad side of his fiancés best friend. Three, Jing Jing knows for sure if she looks at either Mei or Jun she’ll burst into tears. And four, Jun just doesn’t like looking people in the eye at dinner because it’s way to intimate when you’re shoving your face with food.

“Thank you for dinner. It looks good.” Mei manages to say as she stares down at the table where—in front of everyone—bowl’s of shrimp dumpling soup sits.

Jing Jing purposely clashes the spoon she has, on the side of the bowl; thus earning the attention of all three of the other people at the table. “You have to stay at least until I’m gone for my honeymoon.” She whispers. Slowly her gaze rises to stare at Mei in the eye. That’s when Mei notices tears welling up once more and it makes her cringe—because once again she’s the cause. “You have to.” Her voice quivers and a few tears slip down her face.

Almost instantly Soon Young pushes his chair closer to hers and places his arm around her shoulder enabling her to put her head on his chest. And for a second he just watches her let a few tears slip before he takes the edge of his thumb and brushes the tears away. Once more the situation makes Mei feel anything but at ease.

“I’m only booked for a three month stay in Seoul, and I really don’t have enough money to stay in the hotel for longer than that.” Mei trails off as she fiddles with white laced napkin sat cleanly on her lap. In all honesty, Mei could figure out a way to stay if she truly wants to. But it’s the fact that, no matter how long she stays, Jing Jing will never be happy when she leaves. All she’s thinking is if she leaves sooner, the sooner Jing Jing will get over her and go back to her life where Mei disappeared and practically didn’t exist.

Jun raises his hand tentatively, “You can stay with me and my roommate. We have an extra room—albeit not that big and there’s only one bathroom. Also the refrigerator is never stocked up—but, you can stay for as long as you like. And if money is an issue, my roommates work is hiring.”

Before Mei can even reject that option—Jing Jing claps her hands, though not in an excited way, then proceeds to fold them in her lap. Her gaze moves from Jun, back to Mei. Her eyes aren’t scowling at her. Nor are they filled with tears. The emotion in her eyes showers Mei with the feeling of home.

Home.

The last time she felt that feeling was when Lucca, Bella, and her said their goodbyes at the airport. That feeling is so rare to Mei; so precious. It shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that Jing Jing brings that feeling to her. If anything, Jing Jing was her family, and family equals home.

“Then it’s settled. You’ll move out of the hotel as soon as possible and into Jun’s apartment.” Mei doesn’t object nor does Jun; though who takes back their offer right after offering it? “You guys visit us every weekend, or we visit you,” Suddenly, Jing Jing’s strong voice begins to waver again and her bottom lip begins to quiver. Mei watches with wide eyes as Soon Young takes a hold of her hand once more and his thumb on the back side of it. “You call me or text me every day—and if you want to talk about back then, we can. I’ll talk about anything with you; because, I just really missed you.”

Jing Jing takes a deep breath to stop herself from embarrassment but it doesn’t help. Her body shutters and her lip continues to quiver as thoughts of all the things that have happened in the last three years wreck her brain. It’s just not right to not be able to share memories with your best friend.

“I know that life will never be like it used to be; but, at the very least, I just want to be able to talk to you.” She takes another deep breath and it comes out ruggedly with her eyes tearing up and her breaths coming out in a weird pace. “I’m just tired of living a life where you’re not in it.”

Mei doesn’t respond. She doesn’t know how to respond. Jing Jing just poured her heart and soul out to her—how do you even begin to say something back?

Soon Young cups the side of Jing Jing’s face and moves her to look directly at him instead of Mei. “Sweetie, I think this is a bit overwhelming for Mei Fen and you.” He begins, and in the first sentence he pretty much sums up Mei’s last few days here in Korea…overwhelming. “Why don’t you go lay down. I’ll take care of the dishes. We can all talk more in the morning. Okay?”

Jing Jing only nods as Soon Young presses a quick kiss to her lips. Jun practically has to restrain himself from puking all over the table at the sight. Whereas Mei finds it something she’s always wanted to see: someone other than her, and Jing Jing’s parents adoring her and loving her.

The brunette glances over at Mei for a second—her eyes shifting to a darker shade of brown and Mei senses a feeling of sadness take over her. “You’ll still be here in the morning, right?” Jing Jing’s voice comes out desperate. Mei understands why. She had disappeared before, which means she can disappear again—but this time she’s an adult and she can do it at any time.

“I promise.”

Cleaning up the dishes didn’t take that long. A majority of it was putting the food in containers and stuffing it in the spacious fridge—since there was barely any eating and mostly talking when it came to dinner.

Soon Young tried to avoid Mei like crazy. Always tripping when she came near him, stuttering out an answer when she’d ask where to put something, and accidentally spraying water all over his pants when Jun bumped into her which in cause caused her to bump into Soon Young.

Jun, which Mei expected, was the complete opposite of the blonde haired man. He was a bright ball of energy. Humming the Pirates of the Caribbean theme song, drumming a pair of metal chopsticks on every part of the black counter tops, trying—without succeeding—to dance with Mei around the kitchen, and ultimately breaking four white plates in the process of learning how to use the dishwasher for the first time.

Mei was unlike either of them. She did the most work, out of the three of them. Washing the pots and pans by hand, loading the dishwasher, cleaning up any stains on the counter, dusting off the floor where pieces of food had fallen, and pretty much keeping to herself except for when she needed an answer or Jun would bug her.

After cleaning everything up, Soon Young retreated to his shared bedroom—exhausted from avoiding Mei. Jun flopped onto the couch and begged Mei to stay and watch a movie with him; but, she didn’t want to and ended up going to the bedroom she’s supposed to stay in and jumped into the shower quickly (because God knows she needs one).

It didn’t even register in Jun’s mind at first. The cardboard book, with withering pages was not on his mind. At least, not until his phone died and he had nothing to do. That’s when it clicked in his mind. There, in Mei’s side drawer is most likely the answer to why she’s so guarded. So hidden. So closed off from him and the rest of the world.

He knows it’s wrong when he sneaks into the bedroom—especially because the bathroom door is slightly ajar and he can make out Mei’s figure behind the steam glass of the shower; thus meaning if she looks his way, she’d be able to see him. But, he’s already invested in grabbing that book, and his hand is already on the brown knob of the drawer. Slowly he opens it, and there sitting perfectly in the middle of the drawer is the book he’s been wondering about.

He grabs for it before tucking it under his arm and retreating from the room. He didn’t stop to sit in the living room, nor did he hide in the kitchen—Jun made his way out of the apartment and all the way to the roof of the building. The whole time, trekking up all those stairs, excitement and fear bubbled up in his system which frightened him a bit.

The minute he got to the roof, he found his way to the railing that went along the top, and flung his legs through the holes before putting his arms through as well. The small book lies silently in his hand. For some reason he expects it to implode when he opens it or for it to hiss out cuss words—something like he saw in that one Harry Potter movie.

But when he opens the book up, all he sees is the writing of a teenage girl. That teenage girl being Mei. Despite the fact that it’s an invasion of privacy, and probably horrible to read the book itself—Jun can’t help himself. He indulges himself in the whole book.

August 4^th 2010:

Today was bad. Really bad. Usually dad can control his anger. Usually.

Today he didn’t. I’m not even sure what I did wrong. It must’ve been something bad. The minute I got home dad grabbed me by the wrist—there’s a big blue and purple bruise now—and hauled me into the bathroom. Ma watched as he shoved different pills down my throat. He proceeded to yell at me. I can still hear what he said:

“You’re not good enough.”

“Why the were you born?”

“You were a mistake.”

“I hate you.”

“Just die already.”

I’m not really sure if he means it or not. Sometimes I think he does, other times I don’t. Ma didn’t stop him though—does that make her worse?

I think those drugs are kicking in. I feel really tired.

Mei Fen—

October 19^th, 2010

Ma did it again. I’ve been saving up money. I’m not sure why. Maybe to leave—maybe not to. I have to hide it, or else ma will take it all. And she found it.

I don’t know how. I buried it deep in the backyard. Behind the pine tree and in a small hole where I placed a large rock over it. Yet she found it. I know she took it.

She came home with new clothing and a smile on her face.

Dad didn’t hurt me today. He slept a majority of the time.

Jing Jing made me laugh—I don’t laugh a lot, but I like to. She said something funny, I don’t remember what. Then she drooled over Jun Hui again. Seriously when is that girl going to get a brain? That boy isn’t even that great.

Besides, if they started dating that would ultimately mean I’d need to apply for better insurance.

Mei Fen—

Jun takes a second to stop reading and to breathe. It’s a lot to take in. Already, just from reading two pages, he knows why Mei is the way she is. Her father abused her, and technically so did her mother—just in different ways.

He wondered for a second, if Jing Jing has made it into her diary—and he sort of did as well—would that mean she wrote about him on the times they interacted?

He flips wildly through the pages before he lands on one specific one. A day where he impacted Mei’s life, and she impacted his. The reason as to why he cares so much about her.

November 3^rd, 2011

The last few days were weird. I got lost in the forest with none other than the object of Jing Jing’s affection. Jun Hui. The boy that I reference in here once in a while. The one that almost always causes physical pain to me, whenever we meet.

He was, strangely, pleasant to be around.

He was caring.

He was kind.

He made me feel at home—like Jing Jing does. And, to add to the ever strange boy, he kissed my cheek. Yeah, he kissed me. And Jing Jing was not happy to find out. But she ultimately stopped being mad when she understood it wasn’t my fault.

Jun also told me about what’s been going on between our parents. In a way, they all had with each other. Weird, I know. But that’s why ma and dad never want me around him—it all makes since now.

But I like being around him. He was nice to me. Though, I haven’t seen him since that day. And he keeps avoiding me. Maybe it’s because he realized I wasn’t as great outside of the forest as I was in it.

Oh, but I don’t “like-like” him. That would just be gross. Besides, he’s Jing Jing’s.

I don’t think I can ever talk to him again though. I can never talk about him period. One time I brought him up to ma, and asked him what she thought about him—she slapped me and told me to never, ever, ever talk about him.

She locked me in my room for the rest of the day.

But, at least I got to know the guy…at least.

Mei Fen—

Jun lets out a strangled breath—a short, yet raggedy breath. He always meant to talk to her. He always thought that she’d be there for when he was ready to. But, before he could ever really get himself ready for that day, she left and he never got the chance. Now, now she’s here. Right in front him, and he still can’t say what he wants to say—do what he wants to do.

He knows by now that Mei’s out of the shower and he’s positive that she knows either the book is gone or that he has it. Mei’s smart, and protective. She’d know whether or not something she loves or needs, is gone—or in this case stolen in a borrowed way.

He didn’t stay on the roof for that much longer—maybe ten or twenty minutes. All he did was sit there, and read over that one page over and over again. Relishing in the feelings she never really had for him back when they were kids, but also the fact that she wanted to be friends—she wanted to be something. And now he just regrets never saying anything to her because he always had a chance to say something to her.

By the time he got back into the apartment, he finds Mei searching every inch of the couch he was lying on. She doesn’t turn toward him immediately, but instead takes a seat on the couch and sighs. “Can I please have it?” She whispers while putting her hand out in front of her.

He takes two steps to reach her, before he’s placing the book straight on top of her hands. Once the book was safely sat next to her, she stands straight up—her hair falling over her shoulder and eyes, her face twisting into a glare—and slaps him across the face.

“How dare you.” She mumbles as her hand fists into her shirt—unwilling to even glance at him fully in the eye. He’s not daring to look at her either; scared at the very least. “You know now, so stop prying into my life.” He could only see her feet walking away from him, but he knows that she had left him—and when she slams the door lightly, he knows it even more.

He expected more. For her to yell, and last out at him; but then again Mei is very structured and would never lash out at someone—it’s just not her. He wanted her to lash out. To cry, get angry, do something. He wanted her to show emotion. She’s so closed off, and it slightly scares him—more so then it would if she’d yell. If she yelled then maybe he’d think of her as human but this, how she acts, isn’t human.

He reached her door in a matter of seconds before he began to knock on it. “Mei, can we please talk?” He asks as he continues to knock. “I know you’re mad, so let’s talk.” By now he notices his voice is becoming beg worthy. “Mei, please.” He mumbles lastly.

He knows it though; that Mei won’t talk to him, and that she won’t even dare to listen. So, after only a few minutes, he gives up and stalks back to the sofa where he’ll stay for the next day. At some point Mei will have to deal with him because now they’re living together. Him, his best mate, and her—living under the same roof, for a long amount of time, maybe longer than year.

The last thing Jun wants is for them to not get along.