EMOTIONAL turmoil: that’s what these past few days have been. It’s been like a bad dream. One bad thing after another. And all Mei could do, was watch in horror and awe. She’s barely even registered the fact that her best friend’s wedding is this upcoming Saturday. She can’t remember a time; in which she’s ever been like this. So cold, so disheartening. So…not herself. To be honest, she’s acting like she did before she moved in with Jun. Closed off, and an anxious mess.

She sits on a cushioned bench, in front of a glass window: rain drops sliding down the pane as slow as a snail. In the distance she sees cars of all kinds, her heart lurching at every red truck, and her stomach drops when it’s not the one she wants to see. A phone sits next to her, the only number on it is Charlie’s. She calls his number often, to listen to his stupid answer machine. “This is Officer Wang Charlie, I can’t get to the phone; so, leave a message…or not. I don’t care.” The first few times she heard it, it was like he truly was still there. A few times after that, she cried. And the last few times after that, she laughed; because, it sounds so much like the cynical person Charlie is…was.

She’s not sure about what she’s supposed to do now. It’s like, her life has suddenly been ruined. Her mind can only focus on the days she spent in North Korea. She feels, like that was their plan from the start. They knew she was going to deny being there, so they decided the punishment earlier—before she got there. That’s why that soldier asked her who she was close to. They would’ve killed Min instead; but, innocent and dumb Mei told them the God honest truth. That she was closer and friendlier to Charlie. That she saw Charlie as family. Family. He's family. Like a father figure, or an uncle. And yet, when she thinks that way, she remembers those days that she loathed him. She feels so stupid now. How could she have hated him? He was only doing what was right. She was being selfish. Completely and utterly selfish. How could she be so selfish?

November 23

MEI wakes up, her body was lying on a bed of cotton sheets—a white comforter thrown loosely over her body. When her eyes snap open, she feels a sense of emptiness. Almost like she’s missing something. She’s curious of where she is; but, when she looks to her right and sees a sleeping Min in a corner chair and Yoon A directly next to him—starring over him worried. Mei immediately knows she’s back at the fish market, where the Luen Triad is. She doesn’t remember much of the ride home, it consisted a lot of her just standing, following, and starring. She didn’t cry, she didn’t scream, and she sure as hell didn’t speak. She didn’t want to speak; she felt no need or will to. It was like the life was taken out of her.

She pushes the covers off of her, and slowly—with little to no energy—she pulls herself up into a sitting position. Her eyes connect with Yoon A’s, whom doesn’t say a word but merely looks at Mei with pity. Pity in which Mei doesn’t need nor want. “Charlie’s dead Mei; don’t kill yourself over it.” Yoon A mutters, as she pushes some of Min’s hair out of his face. Mei scoffs, as if she needs some gangster to tell her how to live her life.

“He’s not dead—he’s fine.” She whispers to herself, as she arises to her bed. Sadly, Mei underestimated her strength—she ends up tripping, and falling to the floor with a bang. Min, immediately, jumps up, his eyes flying in Mei’s direction.

When he spots her struggling to get off the floor, he pushes away from the chair and to her side. “What happened? Are you okay? Are you hurt?” His arms circle her waist in attempt to help her up; but, she pushes him away and shoves him. He falls onto his bottom, a few inches away from her—starring at her in worry and shock. “Mei?” His voice comes off soft and caring as he reaches a hand out, brushing her shoulder.

She maneuvers away from him and glances at him through slit eyes. “Nothing’s wrong, okay? Everything’s fine, okay? Stop worrying, okay?” Min and Yoon A glance at each other as Mei nods her head over and over; seemingly trying to convince herself that what happened, didn’t happen. “He’ll be here in a few days, I promise.” Somehow, Mei finds her way to standing on her feet—falling over her feet as she walks to the door leading to the hallway—her mind, not focusing on anything. It’s like a clutter of voices, and words; but, nothing makes sense.

Min, before she leaves, grabs Mei by the shoulders—twisting her around to face him. “Charlie’s dead, Mei.” He states firmly, gripping her shoulders tightly. His fingernails digging into her exposed skin as his eyes practically glare holes into hers. She seems…confused. Her head tilting to the side, with her hair shifting over her forehead.

“What are you talking about?” She sounds honestly confused. Min sighs, his head dropping against his chest. After a second, Mei lets out a laugh, lifting her hand up to pat his shoulder. “Everything’s fine, I promise. He’ll be here soon, don’t worry so much.” Min, not understanding the way Mei’s acting, let’s her walk away—leaning against the wall as she wanders down the hallway in a dreamlike state.

Min runs a hand down his face, as Yoon A hesitantly walks over to her. “What’s wrong with her?” He asks; looking over at Yoon A in confusion. Practically begging her for an answer. He’s never gone through what Mei is going through. He has no idea, what to do for her. What he can do for her. What does someone do after losing someone who meant a lot to you?

“She’s going through grief,” Yoon A states, wrapping her arms around Min’s waist before placing her head on his shoulder. “You have to give her time to heal, and find acceptance.” Something seems to run through Min’s system, wondering if she went through this when she left her parents. Did she grieve for all those years she was separated from them? Thinking that her life was her fault? She must’ve.

A few hours later, Mei finds herself isolated, in the same room she woke up in. She sits on the bed, her arms wrapped around her legs, and her head leaning a top her knees. She stares out at the window. She watches the rain turn into snow. How few cars turn into many, before it twists into a traffic jam. There’s a sense of loneliness in her heart. She almost feels abandoned. But, would Charlie abandon her? She doubts that, he wouldn’t leave her side despite wanting him to disappear from her life when she hated him. He wouldn’t leave her now; not when everything’s almost done. Not when everything is almost over.

There’s still a lot left to do. He has to gather all the evidence he has on her parents, put it all together, and send it to the Ministry of Public Security. Her parents have to get arrested, and there has to be a trial. Charlie has to be awarded for all he’s done for China. Da Wei, and her grandparents’ death all have to be proven as murders rather than suicides. There’s so much left. He can’t leave now. Not yet.

Mei shakes her head, removing herself from her thoughts. Instead, she refocuses her gaze on the view outside. It’s so, pretty out—and yet, she doesn’t feel like doing anything but staying where she is. She likes being here, alone, all alone. It’s better to be alone. And that’s how it is, for the rest of the day. She denies Min, and Yoon A entry—and she would rather starve than leave her isolated room.

Present Day

MEI rises from the window seat, her legs a bit wobbly as she wipes the dried tears from her cheeks and the corners of her eyes. Her nose is stuffed up, from crying too much, and she feels like she should throw-up. But, isn’t sure if it’ll actually happen or not. She finds herself in front of a mirror. Starring at herself. She looks like a complete and utter mess. It drastically reminds her of herself when she was in Japan—all those years ago.

Her hair is pointing out all over the place, her eyes are a stark color of red, her lips are as dry as dry can be, and her body is a striking pale which she hasn’t been in a long time—not going outside for a while, can do that. She runs a hand over her face, a sigh leaving . She can’t do anything but continue to run a hand over her face: continuously.

“Mei, can I come in?” Comes Min’s soft voice.

She shifts her eyes to look at the door. She’s unsure if she wants to. The last time they talked, it didn’t turn out too well. Actually, it didn’t turn out well at all. Min was practically tortured by her; before she did something she never thought she’d do.

November 25

FLASHES of light forces Mei to wake up. Her eyes immediately focus on the source of light, it’s a flash light—being held by a man who wears a doctor’s coat. He takes a step back, his hand removing it’s self from Mei’s forehead, and bows in apology. “Mei,” Min comes by her side and helps Mei sit up—despite her trying to push him away. “It’s okay, it’s just a doctor. He’s here to help you.” The want and need to slap Min across the face, absorbs Mei’s body as she processes the words he’s just said. Doctor, help? She didn’t ask for a doctor, so she doesn’t need one. When Min sees Mei’s turmoil within her eyes, beckons the young doctor to leave.

Mei shifts her head to look directly at him. “Are you insane?”

“I was worried you were sick.” He states, coming closer to wrap his arms around hers. But, she pushes him away and falls off the bed, falling onto the floor. “Mei, please, you’re going to hurt yourself.” Min states, coming over to help her up—once more, she pushes him away. Who the hell is he to try and help her? He’s nothing to her. Nothing but a menace in her life.

She somehow gets herself to her feet, and points an accusing finger into his chest. “I’m not sick,” She bites, shoving him backward as she tries to stop jumbling her words within her head. Nothing seems to mistake; but, she continues to plow through. Stating nonsense as she closes her eyes tightly—forcing the tears to leave her. “How, how can you not understand?” She screams, pushing at his chest as if he’s a brick wall. “Y-you can’t cure me! T-there’s nothing to cure, I’m not sick! I don’t have a disorder either.”

“Then what’s wrong with you?” He screams back, reaching forward to grip her shoulders and shake her adamantly.

Mei finds herself starring at Min in shock. What is wrong with her? Why is she like this? Charlie’s not dead…right? That’s what she told herself. It has to be true. She’s not insane. “I-I…” She pauses, shaking her head and pushing at Min. She feels something rising in , to the point that she begins to scratch at the base of it. Min stares at her in worry, as Mei begins to wheeze—outstretching her fingers to capture Min’s shoulder. She feels something curling in the pit of her stomach as something sits in with her.

Min helps support Mei, as a mangled sob leaves . “I-It’s all my fault,” Cries of pain being to leave —just like that day—and she has to grip onto Min’s shirt to hold herself up. “He’s dead because of me.” She looks up at Min, a look of complete and utter worthlessness lining her face. “It’s all my fault, Min.” And all Min could do is stand there and watch as his younger sister broke in a million pieces. He had never seen her emotional, and now—he believes—all of her emotions are hitting her at once.

Min leaves the room at some point, after Mei fell asleep—curled into a ball after Min had helped her onto the bed. And, about an hour after his leave, Yoon A enters: with alcohol. To be exact, two large bottles of Soju. One for her, and one for Mei. Yoon A had gone through a lot of grief, having lost her father in a dramatic way—and her mother sometime after that. Grief was like her best friend.

“Wake up, time for some fun.” Yoon A kicks at Mei’s knee with her foot that’s covered in a fluffy pink slipper; before throwing the bottles of Soju next to her body. Mei stirs lightly, her eyes cracking open, and gazing at Yoon A who walks over to the small TV set across from the bed. She switches it out, drifting through the channels of the TV before moving a few feet over and turn on a karaoke machine.

Mei shifts into a sitting position, as Yoon A grabs two microphones and throws one in the youngers direction. “I would really like to be alone right now.” Yoon A scoffs, fixing the edges of her dark colored pajamas before she’s starring the younger in the face with narrowed eyes.

“You think it’s all your fault, right?” She asks, kicking her slippers off and bouncing a top the white comforter bed. Mei, unsure, nods her head a bit; and Yoon A ends up smiling as if she truly knows what Mei’s going through. And, sadly, she does. “The best way to get rid of your guilt, is to drink,” She grabs one of the Soju bottles and pops the top open. “And sing as much crappy karaoke as possible.” She passes the open bottle toward Mei, whom hesitantly takes it; and then opens the other Soju bottle, taking a swig before placing it on the floor. “Come on.” She grabs Mei’s hand, pulling her off the bed to stand on the floor in front of it, and facing the TV.

Mei’s always been one who strayed away from drinking, even when she was partying in bars, she didn’t drink. She drank water; but, never alcohol. But, her pain and guilt seem to overlap her conscious mind, and she downs some of the contents, Burning the back of , causing a groan of distaste to leave . Yet, it doesn’t stop her from drinking a bit more; before, grabbing one of the microphones and pumping her fist into the air. “Let’s do this!”

Yoon A nods, a grin spreading across her face, as she clicks the nearest song title. The beat shifting through the speakers: Mamma Mia by Kara. Mei didn’t do much sing—Yoon A took control of that—but she does remember chugging the Soju and laughing a lot at Yoon A’s attempt of a high note. The two dance like a bunch of idiots: their hair going every which way, their arms and legs doing their own thing, and laughter with some music running through the speakers hanging around the room.

The last song sang, is by Mei, and Mei alone. Yoon A had passed out on the floor, her empty bottle of Soju lying next to her. It’s a sad song, entitled Like a Dream by the Korean singer Ben. She remembers the lyrics have something to do with the pain of someone leaving. Half way through the song, she finds herself crying, drunk crying. And soon after the song is over, she’s asleep.

That was the first time Mei had ever gotten drunk, and it’ll be the last.

Present Day

THERE’S a few seconds before Mei opens the door. Most of it is spent getting herself together, readying herself to talk. She was worried that Min would pity her, or act drastically toward her. Asking another doctor to see her because he believes she’s mentally insane. She knows now, that she’s grieving. It took a few days to figure it out; but, now she knows. For sure.

She brushes some of the hair out of her eyes, letting her fingers graze over some of the features of her face. Finally, after much consideration, Mei wobbles her way to the door: and opens it. A staggering Min stands there, a bit nervous, a bit overwhelmed, and a bit happy that Mei opened it up. He thought—could’ve sworn actually—she wouldn’t. Before either say anything, she switches her body to the side and invites him further inside. Hesitantly, the man walks in. Keeping his distance, afraid she’d be mad if he got any closer.

There’s a sudden envelop of silence, swimming around them ever so awkwardly. Mei almost feels like she’ll fall to the floor on her trembling legs; while Min feels as if he won’t be able to say the correct thing. “I know you’re upset,” He states after sometime—wrapping his fingers into the edge of his orange knit sweater. “I convinced Yoon A to bring the alcohol to you; so, you probably hate me.”

Mei bites the inside of her cheek, feeling the need to comment something rude. He knew that she had quite disdain for alcohol—that she never wanted to capitulate to it. “I don’t hate you,” She quickly answers, taking a seat on the bed behind her—feeling that her legs might perish from her weight. “I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence at this very moment.” Her insult sounds comedic, Min even wants to smile at it, but he has the decency to know she truly meant it—and not in a humorous manner either.

“Did you already know?” He asks, tilting his head to the side in question.

Mei’s nose ends up twitching, before she’s nodding her head yes. “She told me a couple nights ago,” Well, actually, Mei forced Yoon A to confess up to why the hell she’d bring alcohol to Mei. First off, Mei was in a state where she couldn’t actually comprehend much; besides the fact that Yoon A was saying how drinking would make the pain go away. Until morning, when she woke up to be a hungover mess. Her anger was still there, her pain was excruciating, and her want for a way out—was full force. “I don’t know why you’d recommend her to bring me alcohol—I don’t even know why you supplied the bottles to her. When you know, specifically, how I don’t ever want to drink. You say that you care for me, and yet, you went against something I’m serious about.”

“I know, and I’m sorry,” Is all Min can say as he rustles a hand through his hair. “I just, I’ve never gone through what you have—I don’t know what to do as a bystander.” Leaving me be, to figure myself out—would’ve been best, she thinks to herself. Mei’s been carrying herself through life ever since she was born, she could’ve figured herself out. She gets that as his ‘younger sister’ he wants to help; and Yoon A loving Min like no one before, she wants to do her best as well. She does, she gets that. But, Mei can handle herself. She could’ve gotten through this mess without the added mess of Min and Yoon A’s so called ‘help’.

Min picks up his head, and glance’s at his younger sister. “We did help though.”

That, Mei cannot deny.

November 28

MEI sits on the floor in front of the bed she’s claimed as hers. After that night of getting drunk with Yoon A—Mei hasn’t talked to either of them. That Thursday morning, she kicked the older girl out of the room—after a brief interrogation—and locked the door. The only time she ever answered, was when someone would knock on the door—usually Min—signaling that he left food in front of it. She grabs the food, ignores Min, and glares daggers at his soul; before, ultimately, slamming the door in his face. Those Soju bottles still lay in front of her, and she stares at them as if they’ve tainted her.

She wants to scream. To cry and wail like a baby. Yet, when she tries to will the tears to come…they don’t. It’s like she’s cried too much and can’t cry anymore. That makes her feel worse. She’s only twenty-one, and yet, she’s cried all the tears she could possibly do so. They say that if when you laugh, you increase your life span. They also say, that when you cry, you decrease it. It makes her wonder: is she the next to die. And that makes her laugh. It’s a thought that Charlie would comment, and think about. He acted like death was his best friend. Mei guesses, through a painful heart, that death finally said it was tired of the long distance friendship and wanted him close by.

But death also forgot that Charlie was really important to her. Beyond important. He was her person. She finds that unfair. So many things have been taken away from her in her twenty-one years of life: Charlie is now another one of them. She wanted, just one time, for things to go right. For her to finally live a good life. Why did death have to be so selfish? Why did death have to take him away from her? Death should’ve taken her instead. At least, that’s what she thinks. She was prepared to die. Even though Charlie always stated how death was bound to catch him—Mei knew he wasn’t ready. No one’s truly ready for death, anyways.

Her toe runs against the edge of the glass bottle. It looks so big from where she’s sat. She’s not quite sure how she could’ve drank all of that liquid that burned the back of . Her hand stretches outward, and her body scrunches forward so that she can grab the bottle. She runs her fingers along the edges, across the label as a small scoff leaves . She almost feels like Jing Jing in this moment, over emotional. A laugh sputters out of . That girl, she’s too emotional for her own good and is always worrying.

Her fingers curl around the bottle, gripping it tightly to the point her knuckles whiten. She only finds a release, when she flings the bottle across the room—hitting the wall to the left of her. It breaks into a million pieces. How ironic; because, that’s how she feels. Like she’s broke in a million different pieces. “C’est La Vie.” She mutters, her lips pursing—until a sudden up chucking of laughter spills out of . Pure, and utter laughter. Not in the humorous way. It came out painful, and full of remorse.

C’est La Vie, she learned that somewhere. She can’t remember exactly where or who brought it up. She remembers the meaning though, “Such is Life”. The words sound so beautiful, and yet the meaning is so, so cruel. In Mei’s opinion. It’s something someone would mutter after they watch their car getting towed away. Of when their landlord kicks them out for not being able to pay their rent. It’s a saying that mocks you, and tortures you. Making you think, “What’s wrong with me?” And that’s exactly what Mei’s thinking. There has to be something wrong with her, something and utterly wrong.

Her mind seems to register what she did; because, all of a sudden she starts freaking out. With the little strength she has, she goes crawling across the floor and kneels in front of the pieces of glass. She stretches down her sleeve, and wraps it around her hand—she begins to grab pieces of glass and throw them into the nearby trashcan. “I’m such a…” She trails off, not sure what she is. Instead, she just sighs and sits against the wall, and next to the trashcan.

A light knock catches her attention, forcing her to look up at it in wonder. She waits, not saying anything—she really has nothing to say. “It’s me…Min. It’s me Min,” His voice comes out a bit drained—as if he’s as tired as her. “You remember how Yoon A told you what we do, as a triad…right?” She blinks, how could she forget? They sell organs on the black market. “Well, we got a new shipment of bodies from North Korea, and, Mei…Charlie’s one of them.”

Mei’s heart probably stops, or, at least, it feels like it has. She figured out a few days ago, that Charlie has truly died. It happened in front of her, that can’t be faked. But, his body? His actual, dead, lifeless, body. The one that hit the concrete, and had blood spill out of a small bullet wound at the center of his forehead. “I think you might want to see it—I mean him. Not it, him. We won’t do anything with his body, it’s on a steel slab down in the basement. When you’re ready, you can see him. I think it would be good for you, Mei.”

After a few minutes, Mei hears Min’s clobbered footsteps sound down the hallway. Leaving her alone, again. And for once, she doesn’t want to be alone. She wants Ming Hao to yell at her and tell her how she needs to go see Charlie’s dead body to get some closure instead of being scared in his hometown of Taipei. She wants Jun to hug her, and tell her everything will be alright if she does so instead of being miles away worrying about her. She wants Charlie to be his smartass self, instead of lying dead on some table in a frozen basement in the midst of a fish market where a triad works out of.

She wouldn’t even mind if Min pushed his way inside this room and forced her to hug him. She just really needs someone right now. Which is why, she pulls herself to her feet, and walks over to the old white stationary phone that sits on the side table next to the bed. She quickly dials the phone number she knows by heart, and waits patiently for the person to pick-up. “Hello?”

The sound of Bella’s voice, results in an effortless rush of tears that Mei thought would never come. “Hey, it’s me, Mei.” There’s a slight pause, and Mei digresses thinking that Bella forgot about her. That is, before, she hears a scream of anger.

“Zhao. Mei. Fen! What the hell are you thinking? It has been two months; sense we last talked. Do you know what kind of crazy thoughts have been running through my mind?” A sigh of frustration leaves Bella’s mouth—and all Mei can do is sit on the edge of the bed, her bottom lip quivering, listening to the woman scream at her. Bella continues to go into a deep conversation about how she thought she was dead, murdered, kidnapped, alone and cold. Till finally, she began to calm down…just a bit. “All I’m saying is, a young woman like you could easily be sold on the black market!”

And that’s it. That’s what does it. For the first time in the past few days, Mei bursts into a fit of laughter. That line, that exact line, was something Ming Hao had told her a while back. It’s not that it’s funny; but, it’s funny how the people she loves tend to think the same. “Are you seriously laughing at me, Mei Fen? I felt like a mystery book writer with all the wacky plots going through my head! And I’m pregnant! Do you know what being pregnant, annoyed with your husband, and worried about a child being alone in the world: will do to you? Not to mention the stress…oh the stress!” Mei can’t stop herself from laughing, and at some point, Bella begins to laugh with her. It was probably only a few minutes of pure laughter, before things went silent again.

“I hate you.” Bella states with a scoff.

Mei chuckles, “You love me.” And Bella sighs.

“I’m a sap full of love, what can I say?” Bella pauses, and Mei can imagine the older woman running a hand across her face. “Now, what is it, dear child, that has caused you to call me out of the blue?” Ah yes, the venomous and selfish reason Mei called Bella. Charlie.

“My friend died a few days ago,” She ends up stating and she can hear Bella sigh in response—not like before, this time it was more of a sigh of saying that’s sad. Mei in a breath, before she begins nibbling on her bottom lip. “We weren’t really friends though, not really. He was unkind, and always bitter. There was a time in which I really hated him. But then he died, and…I loved him, like family.” Mei pauses, brushing away the tears that streamed down her face. “Like the way I love you and Lucca. He was never that great to me, I mean—he was; but, at the same time, he wasn’t. If that makes since. And yet, I feel so shameful—how can I just realize that now?”

Mei’s truly not one for talking about her feelings, and bull like that. Sadly, she had been showing a lot of them lately, and can’t help but let her emotions through—telling Bella. “A lot of the time, Mei, you don’t realize what you’ve got until it’s gone.” Her advice seems like something anyone should know. Especially Mei. Having lost a lot to gain a good life. “Sweetie, this may be a bit blunt; but, happens. always happen to the best people, at the worst time.”

“He didn’t deserve to die.” She mutters to the other.

Bella scoffs (again), “No one deserves to die, Mei. Life just, it’s complicated; and yeah, it —most of the time—but there are times that life is okay and will be good. Instead of crying over your complicated friend’s death, you should cherish the time you had with him instead. I’m sure—if he carried about you the way you obviously carried about him—that’s what he would’ve wanted.” Mei’s not entirely sure. Charlie was complicated, in her mind he still is. He’s increasingly hard to figure out—even after his death.

He’s an enigma. That’s such a weird thing to think about it; but, Charlie was complicated. He was bitter, and unpleasant to be around; yet, at the same time: he was nice, and caring. He knew what to say, and when to say it. He obviously cared a lot about Mei’s uncle. Now that Mei thinks about it, it’s probably the reason he was ‘okay’ with death: to be closer to his dead brother Da Wei. That comforts her, a faction of a bit. “Okay, maybe you’re right.”

“I’m always right.” The older woman responds.

Mei vehemently wants to roll her eyes at how cocky she sounds, “Alright soon-to-be-mom, I have to do something important now. I promise to call back as soon as I can…okay?” She can hear Bella’s defiance all the way through the call; and it only makes her smile. The woman’s always cared.

“You better, or I’ll find you and rip you a new one. Got it?” Mei hums in agreement to Bella’s argument. The other seems to be perfectly fine with that as a response. “Okay, eat your greens, drink lots of water, and please—for my sake—keep safe. I love you, and talk to you later.” Before Mei gets a chance to reply with a ‘love you, bye’ of her own she hears the faint sound of a crash before Bella’s screaming at Lucca and then, the line goes silent.

Maybe, it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to see Charlie. For one last time.

The basement makes her feel like she’s suffocating, especially when she notes all the freezers laying loosely around—probably filled with the other dead bodies—and Charlie’s covered body lying a top the metal table. It looks like a surgery table for a medical hospital of some sorts. Probably used to extract the organs, at least, that’s Mei’s assumptions.

She takes precise steps to reach the table, not stepping on any of the grooves between each tile and keeping an emotionless look on her face. She staggers to reach the table, her fingers curling onto the metal surface. A gulp rises in but she quickly pushes it away. Her eyes were now closed tightly; afraid to see Charlie’s face that was covered up by a thin white sheet. She reaches a hand forward, her fingers touch the tip of the sheet—her eyes slowly open, telling herself she’s ready—and after a brief take in of breath, she pulls the cover back.

For a good moment, she starred down at his face. His hair stayed its usual disheveled mess, his eyes were shut tightly, his lips are the cracked and a grayish-blue color. The bullet wound was a small sort of-round, hole just above the center of his eyebrows. Her fingers reach up to brush some of the hair off of his forehead. Her hand maneuvers down to cradle his cheek, and before she knows it she’s leaning over him—the will to cry boiling up in her.

She begins to huff amidst her cries, and has to move her body to the side to keep herself from letting the tears fall on his body. One of her arms cuddles into her stomach, as the other stays hooked onto the table. Her blonde hair begins to frame her face just as it turns red with the influx of tears begin to wield into the slits of her eyes. Painfully slow, she wobbles to the end of the table, where Charlie’s feet poke out. Her hands cradle around his right food, it’s cut up and marked with day-old bruises—as if someone went back and cut up his feet just for the hell of it.

Her fingers tighten around his bloody toes, and as she realizes what happened to him, truly happened, sobs begin to leave her as agonizingly as the tears do. A stream of tears pours down her cheeks as she lets her head hanging over his feet, “Charlie!” Her voice comes out unbearably miserable. Calling his name sounds like an apology, yet also sounds like she’s calling him to come back to life. And finally, she lets her grief take over. She continuously calls his name, as her free hand bangs the metal table in agony.

Her body begins to move back toward his face, her hand pressingly lightly against his body as she continues upward. “Charlie, I’m sorry. What to do I do, Charlie?” She cries her other hand shaking his body, “Charlie!” This time, it’s almost like she’s trying to wake him up. Even though she incessantly calls out his name, she knows he’s not coming back. As if the life is taken out of her, her upper half falls onto him. Her arms cradling his neck as she cries into his collar.

Even though she doesn’t want him to be there, Min watches her from the doorway of the basement. Watching as she tortures herself and cries a million times over into Charlie’s dead body.

Present Day

SHE straightens herself up, “I can’t deny it didn’t help to see Charlie,” Min nods his head, and an almost smug look lines his face. That is, until Mei continues. “But, it was wrong of you to do that to me.” And the expression drops from his face, gulping down his smugness when he realizes Mei truly dislikes what he did to her. Although, it was in a good attempt to help her.

“Are you better now?” He asks; hesitantly.

Mei sways her head from side to side, in an attempt to come to a conclusion with the question. Is she better? Maybe. Will she ever be like she was before? Never. The innocent Mei who asked her co-workers what ‘love is’ and ran across the world like a child—is no more. She can’t go back to that Mei, it’s not possible. All she can do, is continue living. If Charlie was alive, he’d say the same thing. Although he was best friends with death, he always knew that she had to continue on.

She lifts her gaze to look at Min, and lets out a sigh. “It’s time for me to go home Min.” He looks like a loss for words, starring at her in utter confusion. Mei wasn’t going to stay with Min, not ever.

“I-I don’t, I don’t understand.” He whispers; nearly devastated.

Mei dampens her lips as she tries to think everything through. “I have people I love that have no clue where I am, what I’m doing, or if I’m even safe. I have to go back to them, I can’t stay here,” She pauses to reach over and pat his shoulder tenderly. In a caring way. “I think you already knew that Min. This might be your home; but, it’s not mine.”

“You’re going back to that guy, Jun Hui, right?” He asks, looking up at her while trying to block his tears. Mei shakes her head in disagreement. Leaving Min to stare at her in wonder. He could’ve sworn, that was the person she’d go back for.

Mei takes her hand off his shoulder and places both of them behind her back. “I’m going back to the place I now call home. Jun Hui happens to be in that place; but, I’m not going back to him. I’m going back to the place I feel comfortable in; he just happens to be a part of that.” Although Mei would like to think she’s only going back to Jun’s apartment because she finds that ‘home’, she’s also going back because of him. She’s spent a lot of her time running away.

Maybe it’s now time, to settle down.

“Can I see you again, you’re my baby sister.” Min murmurs.

She shakes her head, saying a blatant no. And all Min can do is stand there as she unfortunately tells him why. “We may be related; but, I don’t love you and I don’t know you. And, to be honest, I don’t want to know you.” Mei watches as Min’s heart is literally broken into two; but, he forlornly, keeps it under wraps. Trying to keep happy so that Mei doesn’t feel bad. “Maybe, in the future, if we meet—we can talk, and get to know each other. For now, I’d like to live a life without you, Mi Ja, or General Roe. It’s all a bit too much for me. I promise you, if we do meet in the future, I won’t run away.”

“Can I least have one hug?” His voice breaks. She ends up agreeing though, walking forward, and wrapping her arms around his waist. He truly tries to keep his feelings under control, to the point that he buries his head into the nook of her neck to hide his tears. “I’m sorry I’m a crappy brother and I wish we could’ve met on better circumstances. I’m really sorry Mei, I’m so sorry.”

Mei leaves a couple hours later, nothing in her hand except enough cash for the train to Seoul, her cellphone, a tape recorder, and Charlie’s ashes. Min barely looked at her when she was leaving, and Yoon A incessantly tried to convince her to stay. But, Mei has another plan for her life. And it doesn’t involve being in a triad or getting in anymore trouble then she already has. Mei only makes one stop; before, she gets on her train. She stops at a local post office, and writes up a small note to a bald officer in Taiyuan. Along with it, is attached the tape recorder.

Dear Officer Suen,

My name is Zhao Mei Fen, I’m not sure if you remember me; but, you were one of the lead officers on a case involving me: four years ago. My best friend Wu Jung Hua was stabbed in school by a suspicious man. You didn’t know this—because, I never said so; but, that man happened to be involved with my father. He was a North Korean official, threatening my father by trying to hurt me—accidentally hurting my friend instead—to bring my father back to North Korea.

I’m not sure if you know, but, your partner Wang Charlie—came to South Korea, for me. He wanted my help to investigate my parents, and their connections to North Korea. One thing lead to another, and I came to find out that Charlie happens to be part of my family. My Uncle actually. He’s not biological related; but, he considered my uncle: Da Wei, his brother. After further investigation, the both of us came to learn that my parents are actually North Korean spies that fake defected to China. Inside this package is a tape recorder. Throughout each part of our investigation, Charlie talked and explained everything. It also holds incriminating evidence against my parents.

This all seems great, doesn’t it? Except, I have really bad news Officer Suen.

Charlie, and I, along with others: left for North Korea to try and learn more and to deal with my past involving it. Sadly, on the way home, Charlie was murdered. Through the help of my brother—whom you’ll hear of quite often through the tapes as being an insufferable human being—I cremated his body and now have the jar of ashes. At some point in my life, I hope to go back to his and my uncle’s hometown to spread them. When that happens, I promise to involve you. I know you two we’re like family. He spoke often of you, and in a fond manner.

If you would like to talk, I’ve attached my address, email, and phone number. I’m willing to tell you anything and everything. I’m not scared anymore.

Sincerely,

Zhao Mei Fen

It took her awhile to write the note, it happened to be sorrowful; but, she’s doing what Charlie would’ve wanted. She’s taking a step forward to arresting her parents. After packaging the recorder in with the note, she left for the train.

For home.