WHAT if? Thousands of questions running through her head, focused on ‘what if’. What if Jun doesn’t want to see her? What if he’s done with her? What if he doesn’t want to be a part of her life? What if he hates her? What if he’s tired of worrying about her? What if? She’s never been good at keeping relationships, it’s been proven time after time. Which makes her worry that he’s just another one of them. One who just let’s her go because he doesn’t know how to hold on to her. She’s a complicated person, one who finds it hard to keep herself together—let alone others. Maybe she asks for too much, for others to hold onto her as she fixes herself. Maybe she’s a little selfish. But, it’s in good heart. She wants to be loved, and she wants to love others. She hopes Jun isn’t another one of those people who can’t hold out for her.

The train ride, like the last couple of days, was despondently tiring. She was with herself most of the time, and didn’t do anything except keep close to the window and watch as city after city passed by. She hadn’t thought much about what she’s going to do once she reaches Seoul. But, after she got a bit closer, her mind focused on the inevitable. Jun’s anger, Jing Jing’s wedding, and Ming Hao still gone. That’s what she’s expecting. There’s no way it could turn out any different. If it does, she’d be surprised. Although the train ride, isn’t that long, it felt like a lifetime. Maybe even longer than a lifetime.

The train station in Seoul, isn’t that busy. Actually, it was quite empty. Though, it was nearing midnight; so, it makes sense that no one’s here. She takes small steps, to get to the entrance of the station—with barely any energy as it is, she has to take her time. When she reaches the front, she hails down a taxi, and quickly tells him Jun’s address. For much of the ride, she keeps her arms tightly secured around the vase of Charlie’s ashes, with her eyes keeping watch out the window.

The first thing Mei spots when she exits the taxi—after promptly paying the driver the amount of money needed—is Jun’s red truck. Parked loosely in his regular parking spot. She bites her lip, nervousness boiling in her system. Her grip tightens on Charlie’s ashes as she staggers her way into the apartment. She glances in the way of the elevator, only to find it still shut down and not fixed. A small laugh leaves , should’ve expected that. Her attention turns toward the stairs, and with a sigh, begins her way up.

She grabs a hold of the railing to support herself as she walks up, one arm still holding tightly onto the ashes. She comes to a complete stop—after walking up the hallway, and down the hallway—when she reaches Jun and Ming Hao’s door. For safety precautions, she sets Charlie’s ashes on the floor to the right of the door. She straightens herself up, before she reaches forward and knocks on the door. There’s a long pause, before Mei hears a bunch of shuffling within the apartment—probably Jun stumbling all around the place. Till, finally, the door swings open.

A tired, and scruffy looking Jun stands in front of her wearing his usual grey sweatpants, and white tank. “Is the power out again or something?” He murmurs, as he smacks his lips together—his eyes firmly shut. He looks like a total, and utter mess—and in Mei’s opinion, he looks snuggly, and the perfect person to hug.

“Not that I know of.” Mei whispers, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

Almost immediately, Jun’s eyes snap open. They search wildly amongst the hall; before, his eyes sharply stay on Mei. He looks at her, as if he can’t believe that she’s standing in front of him. Mei knew that he probably thought she was dead; and now she knows it must be a shock to see her, alive that is. Not only that; but, it’s got be like some sort of a dream to him.  His mouth opens, as if he’s trying to say something to her; before, it closes and Mei’s slammed into his arms. At full force, she’s wrapped into a hug, his arms wrapping around her shoulders, his head burying into her neck, leaving Mei to try and pull herself together.

He nestles into her, telling her firmly that he missed her: through his actions, not his words. Pulling her even, closer, and tightening his grip on her—Mei’s not even sure what she’s supposed to do. Out of all the different scenarios going through her head, this isn’t what she expected. She expected him to probably yell, maybe get mad for leaving him at a hotel as she went off to a dangerous country, and then slam the door in her face. Well, maybe not that dramatic; but, a variation of it. Definitely not this.

“Are you really here? Right now, are you really here?” His voice comes out mumbled. Most likely due to the fact that he has his head buried into her neck and hair. Mei hears, what may be akin to a light sniffle. His arms seemingly move a couple times, readjusting his grip on her; before, a quaint sigh left his mouth. As if he’s content. “I knew you weren’t dead; but, I jus—you scared the crap out of me. When you stopped sending notes, I got really scared,” He pauses and Mei can hear him sniffle once more—making her feel even worse. “The last note said you were leaving for North Korea, and when you hadn’t sent anything afterwards, I got scared that something ba—”

Something seems to send Jun off the deep end as he cuts himself off, and pulls away from Mei. His eyes search wildly over her, looking for any sign of physical pain. And when he registers that there isn’t even a cut on her, his hands travel to her cheeks to cup them—his face leans closer to her, until—in an instance—he’s kissing her. Mei’s so shocked by the sudden assertive move, that she just stands there, as Jun’s lips move passionately against her own. Heat was spreading through her body like a wildfire, and when she realizes what’s happening, her mind goes into overdrive.

Especially when she feels his tears running down his cheeks, dampening hers as well. Especially when she feels his lips continue to move against her still ones. Especially when she realizes he’s probably not going to stop. Especially when his fingers slide to the back of her neck and brush against her hair. When his tears finally end, Jun stands still. As if he’s just realized what he’s done. That he kissed Mei without her permission.

He pulls back, a light smacking sound is created when his lips pull away from hers. “I-I,” He gulps, taking a step back to run a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. I just…” He trails off, shrugging his shoulders because he’s not sure how he can explain what he was feeling in that moment that caused him to kiss her. He runs a hand down his face, and Mei watches him quietly as he ends up scratching the back of his neck before gazing at her once more. “Sorry.” He murmurs sheepishly, once again shrugging his shoulders.

She laughs, well, it’s more like a scoff that results into a laugh. But a laugh nonetheless; and Jun stands there, in wonder. “Shouldn’t I be the one saying that? I left you, remember?” She finds herself silly to ask that; because, how could he forget? Especially when she hasn’t.

Jun’s lips teeter on a smile; before, he grabs Mei’s hand and begins to fiddle with her fingers. “Silly question,” He murmurs as his eyes snap down to the floor. Most likely in thinking about something. Though his thinking turns into wonder when he looks down to the right to see the only object Mei brought with her. “What’s that?” He points his finger at it, though it’s not like Mei needs to know what he’s looking it, before he shifts his gaze to look back up at her.

She ponders for a minute, if she’d be able to say what it is without crying or breaking. She comes to the conclusion, that even if she does, Jun will only want to know more—and maybe that isn’t such a bad thing. He’s always been nosey anyways. “It’s Charlie.” She bends down, grabbing the vase of ashes, and keeping it close to her chest.

Jun stands there, glancing between the vase and Mei—obviously confused. Until, it clicks. A dreadful look passes over his face; knowing full well what might’ve happened when he wasn’t there. Jun was never fond of Charlie, he disliked him and thought he pushed Mei to hard. But, he also knows that even though Mei liked to say she hated Charlie: she didn’t truly hate him. And so he knows, that his death probably impacted her a lot more than he could probably understand. The two had a complicated relationship, and his death…well, it probably was terrible for her.

He smiles tenderly at her and begins to beckon her inside, “I think, at this minute, Ming Hao would be the one to demand you make coffee.” Mei nods her head, holding the vase tighter, as she takes a step into the apartment she hasn’t been to in a while. Funny enough, it all looked the same—the beige couch is still oddly positioned in front of the small TV and chestnut coffee table. The dishwasher in the kitchen still isn’t operable, and even from where she’s standing, she can see that her room is still her room. The only thing that seems to be different, is the sudden loneliness she realizes Jun must’ve gone through. Without either her or Ming Hao, Jun was all alone in this apartment. Worried sick about her, and his best friend.

And that makes her begin to tear up. While she was so busy thinking about herself, she failed to realize how much she put him through. Jun must’ve noticed the way her shoulders began to shake and the light on-set of tears swimming in her eyes; because, the next thing she knows, she’s being wrapped into his arms once more. Charlie’s vase of ashes in between them. “You better not be crying about me,” He states as one of his hands comes to pet the back of her head, his fingers brushing through her blonde locks. “I was fine by myself. I’m just glad that you’re back.” His lips brush against the top of her head before he pulls back, and smiles at her once more. Reassuring her.

“And, Ming Hao?” She asks as he reaches up and swipes away her tears.

He watches her as she places Charlie’s ashes on the banister, and heads toward the coffee pot. It may be nearing one in the morning; but, when you just ended your relationship with North Korea and had a friend die—coffee’s okay no matter the day or time. “He’s coming back tomorrow morning, he said he’s tired of his parents asking him if he’s met a nice girl and will settle down” The two laugh. Ming Hao and a girl? Sounds like a horror movie waiting to happen.

“He feels really bad about leaving you, you know?” Jun continues. Mei doesn’t react, though Jun wasn’t expecting it. She may have poured out her feelings when she was grieving for Charlie—still grieving for Charlie—but that doesn’t mean for more simplistic feelings, she’ll let it rip. That’s just not her. “He’s been really worried about you too.” This time, she nods her head, as she pours the water into the top of the coffee pot—and switches it on, watching as the water pours over the coffee grounds and into the glass.

Mei gazes at him out of the corner of her eye, “And Jing Jing? Three days before the wedding, she’s probably freaking out right?” Jun laughs, nodding his head. If there’s one thing Jing Jing does well, it’s freaking out and being over emotional. Dramatic. Over the top. Whatever you want to call it, that’s Jing Jing. The girl will never not be crazy.

“She’s driving everyone mad.” He responds with another laugh.

Mei nods, twisting around to learn her back up against the counter, as Jun takes a few steps toward her. “Did you want to talk about what happened while you were gone?” He finally pushes it, and Mei gulps in nervousness. It’s not that talking about is a bad thing, and it’s bound to happen. Jun’s a person who wants to know everything and anything so he can help that person if needed. Sense Mei is special too him, it just pushes that even further.

He seems to sense her hesitation, because, he takes a step back and nods his head. “You don’t have to talk about it now, maybe later.” He pauses, watching as she turns back to the coffee pot, and begins pouring the dark liquid into two coffee cups—before dumping milk into one of them. “When you’re ready, I’ll listen.” She nods her head, shifting around and passing him one of the cups.

“Friday morning, we’ll leaving for Busan, the three of us.” Jun continues, feeling like it’s just to strange not to talk. Mei finds her way to the couch, humming in understanding at Jun, before taking a seat and sipping from her cup. “Are you okay with going to the wedding? Because, if you’re not, I can talk to Jing Jing and ex—”

“It was really nice there,” Jun’s voice trails off as Mei seemingly cuts him off. He blinks a few time, waiting for her to continue, before he walks over and takes a seat on the coffee table in front of her. “everything seemed perfect. It wasn’t, not really; but, they put up a good show.” Her feet shuffle against the floor for a second, before she pulls them up on the couch and stretches them outward, letting them lay on Jun’s lap.

“We had to be guided everywhere, and at one point I was alone with a soldier. He was nice, I guess, but he was very prier some,” She sighs, picking up her hand and running it over her hair. “He asked me who I was closest to, he thought Min because we had talked the most. But, I denied it—I wanted to be honest—so I said Charlie.” She’s not sure why; but, tears begin to form into the corners of her eyes. She’s tried her hardest to not cry; she really has. Yet, here she is. Crying.

“They were holding a gala in my honor; because, I could’ve been a legend for their country.” She pauses, again, to pace herself—to stop herself from hyperventilating. Her hands begin to wave around, as if she’s trying to tell the story through her actions—but, it doesn’t work. Jun only grabs her hands, and begins to massage the tops of them, in comfort. When she finally calms down, she continues. “My parents were there, I had seen them the day before, and—well—it didn’t go well. It didn’t even go well at the party, I caused them to fight,” She shakes her head as she feels herself getting off track. “That’s not the point. After mindless hours of watching people dance, and get drunk: I went into a meeting with my father’s best friend and ex-trainee.”

Her head drops to her chest, as a cynical chuckle leaves her. “It seemed so perfect, he just let me go. He only said I’d have some type of punishment in the morning. I didn’t think much of it, I thought it’d only be me getting hurt. But, when we went to get into the van that would take us to the demilitarized zone, a man walked by me,” A hand slides down her face, trying to rid herself of the tears that are trying to fall. “He whispered sorry, and then, I looked to the front—and, Charlie. They shot him, i-it happened so quickly. I thought, I don’t.” She shakes her head, her hands taking either side of her head as she tries to calm herself. “One minute he was standing, the next he was on the concrete, just lying there. Min was screaming, I was screaming—the world was spinning, and I couldn’t think properly. I didn’t even see who shot him.”

Jun seems to notice her wavering confidence; because he slides over onto the couch and wraps an arm around her shoulder to bring her comfort. Letting her head hit his chest. She stayed still, maybe for a minute; before her emotions began to take over. Her fingers grip tightly onto his shirt, and she begins to sob, just like before. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now?”

“Just keep living.” He whispers, holding onto her even stronger.

From what Jun could understand, Mei blames herself entirely for Charlie’s death. Because, instead of shrugging the ‘question’ off, she answered truthfully. Although, when he thinks about it, it’s not her fault. She didn’t know that’s what it would lead to. It’s not her fault. But, it will be a long time before she realizes that. She’s so defiant, that she may never realize it. Which is sad; but, Jun will try his best to prove to her over time, that what she thinks: is wrong.

She ends up passing out at some point, lying on the couch wrapped in a pink blanket. He lays next to her, his arms wrapped around her tightly. Although they haven’t confirmed their relationship, it’s virtually confirmed just from this.

The two sleep silently through the night, cuddled into each other like babies. He knows that the two have to pick Ming Hao up early in the morning; but, he’s so comfortable and in practical bliss that he almost doesn’t want to. She’s the one that has to forcefully wake him up by pinching his cheek a few times. “Ah, Mei, let me sleep a little longer.” The boy whines, snuggling into her a little more, and stiffening his grip on her waist.

Once more, Mei grabs his cheek with her fingers and squeezes—pulling it from side to side. He whines, and grips her hand, trying to pull it away from her. Sadly, the female is a lot stronger than he expected. “We have to leave, wake-up.” This time, instead of grabbing at his cheeks, Mei takes a handful of his hair and pulls—forcing a yell of pain to leave his mouth.

“Okay, okay, I get it—I’m up,” He complains, falling onto the floor behind him and cradling his head in his hands. Specifically making sure his hair is okay. Mei, on the other hand, rolls her eyes and stretches her legs out in front of her. “Jeez, do you have claws for hands?” Mei threateningly sends a glare his way, making him laugh as he stands up. “It’s a joke.” He leans forward, pressing a quick kiss to her forehead before heading to the bathroom with another laugh spilling from his mouth. Leaving Mei, a blushing mess—it’s like he doesn’t even realize the affect he has on her. Though, she doesn’t really know what affect she has on him.

She quickly heads to her room, the one she hasn’t been in for a while, and smiles at the similarity still there. Her luggage is still directly in front of the closet, her backpack is loosely thrown on her bed, and there’s a stack of coffee mugs in front of the window from all the times she went out there to sit and drink coffee. The first thing Mei does, is head to her luggage, opening the top up and looking down at her clothes. She pulls out her yellow knit sweater and quickly throws it on; before, slipping into a pair of ankle tight grey sweats. The rest of the clothes in her luggage, she begins to put away in the closet—for the first time ever.

At some point—probably after she tied her hair into a bun a top her head—Jun came and leaned against her doorway. Observing her as she puts her clothes away. “Don’t you think it’s creepy to watch me?” She asks, practically out of nowhere. She hears him laugh.

“I remember when you freaked out at the thought of putting your clothes in the closet,” He sounds rather happy. Probably at the thought of her actually changing over time. And Mei has to attribute that to him. “you’ve changed a lot; you know?”

She nods her head, glancing over her shoulder to look at him. “So have you.”

“I also like to think that Ming Hao has changed; but, we both know that’s not true.” The two look at each for a good second, a neutral look branching around their face; before, the pair begins to grin at one another. The two are only being sarcastic—because they both know that Ming Hao has changed. He’s kinder, maybe not to the degree of a normal person but he is, and he’s more caring. Sadly, he’s still only comfortable around certain people. Like her and Jun. Other than that, he’s still his crabby, mean, and shy self.

After hanging her last t-shirt, Mei places her suitcase on the floor of the closet, before shutting it and turning toward Jun. “Should we go now? Once we pick him up, we can go out for breakfast.” He nods, grabbing her hand and intertwining their fingers together when she comes closer. She looks up at him, and rolls her eyes. “You’re being weird.”

He smiles, that same dopey smile she’s missed. “I’m just holding your hand.”

She lifts their conjoined hands, and points at it with her free hand. “Does this count as being cheesy? Ming Hao once said that you’re a ‘cheesy’ guy. I heard that, that involves doing overly romantic gestures.”  He shakes his head, laughing, and smiling. And she thinks that he probably hasn’t done that in a while.

“No, this is just a normal romantic gesture,” He pauses for a second, to lock the front door, before he turns and drags her down the hallway. “Most couples hold hands. Jing Jing never forced you into watching dramas after school? Those damn dramas show all the things couples do.”

Mei’s eyebrows scrounge together as she adamantly shakes her head, “I never let her rope me into watching TV; I forced her to stay on track of doing homework.” She pauses as the two reach the lobby, and twists toward him—dropping his hand. “Did you let her watch TV instead of doing homework?” Jun shrugs his shoulders, as he tries to hold her hand once more. But she pulls it away from her, and crosses her arms over her chest. He pouts. “And let me guess what happen: she never got anything done, and continuously got in trouble with the teachers…right?” He shrugs his shoulders, till he ends up nodding his head.

Before Mei can accuse him of being a bad friend, Jun points an accusing finger at her. “She was a complete mess after you left, she needed something to get her mind off of your disappearance. TV was a good distraction. You can’t blame me, okay?” A small ‘tsk’ leaves as he slyly grabs a hold of her hand once more, not letting her let go. He grins at her, leaning forward and kissing her cheek. “Come on, let’s go!”

“So annoying.”

The ride to the airport consisted a lot of Jun trying to lighten Mei’s mood; seeing as she mostly focused on the nervousness bubbling in her stomach. This is the moment she’ll be seeing Ming Hao, in a long time, and as her brother. Not just the strange and mean roommate of Jun. “Please talk to me! I’m bored talking by myself!” Jun whines, as he bangs lightly against the steering wheel.

She huffs, repositioning herself so she isn’t looking out the window, and instead looks at him. Even though she’s slightly annoyed, she asks a deep question; one that he probably wasn’t expecting. “After time goes by, do you think each of us will become our own person, and be living well?” And thus, the conversation comes to a standstill. Neither of them are good with questions about the future; because, who can ever be sure about the future? No one. No one can be sure. The future isn’t set. Not for them, and not for anyone. You just have to live it, and hope for the best. Now that they’ve dealt with what they’ve dealt with, life could possibly be better than it has been.

“A few years later, after today. After time has gone by,” Jun sighs, trying to figure out the best answer. If he answers in a good manner, maybe Mei will calm down a little. “When we’ve all become our own person, then we’ll know. This life is unforgettable, we’re unforgettable; and from this day forward, we have each other.” And Mei registers that in her mind as being, she’s not alone anymore.

Jun parks the car on the street in front of the airport, forcing the two to walk the distances from the street, and into the main district of where Ming Hao’s plane was supposed to land. She began to feel uncomfortable, why couldn’t they just pick him up once he left the airport? Like a normal person. Why did Jun have to make a small sign that says Ming Hao’s name, and force Mei to hold it? Why did Jun go off saying he’s going to get coffee, leaving Mei alone to wait for Ming Hao? Why? She feels ridiculous.

Especially so, when a fresh looking Ming Hao—with his curly blonde hair now straightened and auburn—carrying his luggage, stops and stares at her with his mouth agape. And what does Mei do? She waves her hand, as a flustered look over takes her and her cheeks begin to heat up. Now she truly feels like an idiot. When she expects Ming Hao to come running at her, grumbling about her being ‘too much’ the boy instead tackles her into a hug. Again, not in one of the many scenarios she had in her head.

His luggage is dropped beside them, along with the sign, and Ming Hao has Mei so tightly wrapped that her nose is shoved into his brown hoodie, enveloping his pine scent. Just like what happened with Jun, she hears Ming Hao sniffle—and then tears hit the crook of her neck. A small smile filters to her lips as she realizes: he cares for her. Her hands travel up to his back, and she begins to pat him lightly. Her pats are spaced out, and are seriously awkward—it seems to comfort the younger. “You’re alive!” He bawls like a crying child and Mei nods. She would say something back, but seeing as she’s shoved into his chest, it’s not possible. Although, Ming Hao probably wouldn’t enjoy hearing her voice anyways. He probably needs this moment to himself, rather than it being shared.

Suddenly, another pair of arms wrap around Mei, “I love group hugs.” It’s Jun. Jun decided to join in on the hug. She feels Ming Hao shift, and when she glances up, she sees him shooting glares at Jun who surrenders and takes a step back. “Sorry, family moment, I get it.”

Ming Hao drops his arms from Mei, and she takes a step back, as he grabs his luggage and sighs. “It’s not a family moment.” He barks just as his fingers grab the sign Jun had made. “And what the hell is this?”

“It’s so you could find us.” Jun grins, once more grabbing a hold of Mei’s hand.

Ming Hao rolls his eyes, “You think I don’t know what you look like? Your ugly face is imprinted in my mind, idiot.” Jun huffs, reaching over and ruffling the youngers hair. Ming Hao bats his hands away, and threateningly throws a punch in his direction. “Touch my hair again, see what happens.” Jun playfully pulls at one of the hairs that hangs over his forehead, and Ming Hao reaches over and swats the top of his head. Resulting in the both of them whining in pain, and Mei being annoyed at their never ending antics.

“Who even let you dye your hair?” Jun asks with a shake of his head. “You look like a three-year-old rather than a twenty-year-old.” Mei smacks his chest, catching a pout from him, just as she turns toward Ming Hao.

The younger glances at her with a frown, “What?”

“I like your new hair. It looks good on you.”

A blushes rises to the younger’s cheeks, and he has to look away to make sure she doesn’t notice. Although, she does. “Of course it does, it’s me.” He murmurs with a small scoff; though Mei can see—from where she’s standing—a small smile playing on his lips. Somehow, Ming Hao manages to switch the conversation—after an awkward cough. “So, like, you two are a thing now?”

“I promise to take good care of your sister, and to treat her like a princess.” Jun states as he shows him their joined hands.

Ming Hao once more throws a threatening punch in his direction; before he simmers down. Once more, he glances away from them—their eyes staying on him like a hawk. “Just, don’t do couple-y things around me. It’s awkward now. You’re my best friend, and you’re, like, my sister.” The boy runs a hand down his face as he realizes how cliché their relationship would be if they explained to others. ‘This is my best friend Jun, and my sister Mei, they’re dating.’ God, it’s like a cheesy romance drama. The best friend and the sister. “Can we just get some food. I’m hungry.”

The younger begins to walk off, the two others following him in tow (still holding hands). And, as if nothing’s changed and they’re still the three roommates who annoy the crap out of each other, he yells out “And you better make coffee when we get home Mei. I swear to God, if Jun makes it, I ban your relationship to hell. And I won’t claim you as my sister even if you begged on your knees!”