Well. Exams are coming and this May will be an extremely busy one, so I don’t know when I will be able to update. It kind of hurts, because these parts are so vivid in my mind! You can’t even imagine. When I started writing this story the next 5-6 chapters or so were in my head already, waiting for me to write them. I waited so long to get to this part, and now I won’t have time. AH! So frustrating.

But whenever the next chapter comes, it will come for sure. I won’t abandon the story. It’s just… well, this semester is so hard, and the exams will kill me like elven times the least, but I will survive, come back to life, and give you good chapters hopefully. To the readers who will also have exams during the next months, Happy Exam Weeks! And may the odds be ever in your favor!

Hope you enjoy!

The feeling was so familiar. She knew it. She was there before.

Soon after she ran away from home and got accepted into the Blue fish, she felt incredibly lost. Not knowing how to cope with everything that had happened, everything she escaped from, and also not knowing what to do now. She had absolutely no goals anymore for she already completed the only thing she was thinking about since she was twelve years old.

Yes, she was free from her family, settled down in Seoul, but what now? Things just didn’t make any sense anymore. She did everything she ever wanted. She should’ve been happy, right? Yet she felt hopeless.

Though she soon could recover from that depressed state, it took her years to became who she was today, to creat CL, the confident singer, her alter ego, who would take care of her own reserved self until she was strong enough not to rely on her that much.

It was actually during the time she debuted. They waited until she was ready mentally, though she could have made her first official stage at the age of eighteen already, had she not been so afraid of exposing herself to the world at that time.

But now Chaerin was hiding again. She spent one year living freely after her debut, finally being totally comfortable around her friends and colleagues, and was even able to trust a stranger. And was able to… to love again. But her confidence disappeared along with the brunette. CL took her place all the time, again, only retreating when she was completely alone in the dark of her apartment.

Chaerin was laying on her back, her head leaning against the armrest of her couch. She held her phone in her hands. Her face was illuminated by the bright image that appeared on the screen. Them. Together. She took the picture on the day they went out to build a snowman together. Sandara’s cheeks and nose were red due to the cold, but the smile spreading on her face radiated warmth. Chaerin on the other hand showed her profile as she was about to kiss the older girl, pouting her lips playfully.

How happy she felt that day. How happy she felt every day with her. She missed that. Missed her.

She let the phone fall onto her abdomen along with her arms, making the room dark instantly. She didn't like silence as thoughts crept into her mind without her being able to stop them.

Dear Chaerin – she remembered the words. The first words in Sandara’s letter. When she got hold of the paper, for a while she wasn't able to read any more of it than that greeting. She felt like if she could just ignore the rest, maybe it won’t come true. But she knew she had to continue reading.

You don’t know how grateful I am to you for everything you’ve done during this one month. – the following words entered her mind. You don’t know how much I hate the way I have to leave. You deserve better than this. More than just a piece of paper. But I don’t have anything to offer you, not even my dignity.

"Not now" Chaerin murmured lifting up her hands to brush her face and hair with numb fingers. That letter was always on her mind. She memorized all the words already by only reading it twice. It even haunted her in her dreams. She knew if she starts to think about it, things will get out of hand. And she didn't want to remember any of it. She didn't want to remember how much this whole ordeal affected her. She didn't want to admit how vulnerable she’s felt, her state awfully similar to her sixteen year old self’s. She didn't want to go back to those day, the darkest part of her life.

"What are you doing to me?" she whispered, taking her hands off of her eyes, staring at the dark ceiling. It’s been only a month, how could Sandara’s disappearance affect her so greatly? It didn't make any sence.

Get yourself together! You are stronger than this. You can’t just cry over this all your life! – told her CL. And she gave her credit. She had a life to continue. She had a career. She had other friends. Life can’t just stop because a person was gone, right? She can’t just stop.

Chaerin sat up instantly, glancing around her room, looking emptier than ever. Her eyes fixed on her dining table and for a moments she could almost see the envelope sitting on top of it, just like the was she have found it the morning after her birthday. The singer shook her head and when she looked up again, the letter was gone.

But even if she didn't see it, the words already invaded her mind anyway. She could might as well just burn it. The content never seemed to cease.

I wanted to tell you sooner, but the timing was never right. I felt so happy with you, so that ruining those moments seemed wrong. Yes. I was a coward. I’m a coward, walking away like this. I’m sorry. Really sorry. Sorry I couldn't tell you, you would deserve it. I got the chance to return to the Philippines and to my family. This way I can be free from those people. I don’t want to endanger you anymore, you’ve done enough. I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done. You saved me, you gave my life back, but I can’t seem to even appreciate you well.

I won’t hold you back anymore. You have a fantastic career ahead of you, I just would be in your way. I wish you the best of luck. I know you will do great. I will cheer for you.

I’m really sorry. So sorry.

But can that be true? The question entered her mind. Is the brunette even in the Philippines? Was she planing to leave from the start? Was she really grateful for her? Was she indeed sorry?

Was she… alright at all?

Worry ate her up alive. Whenever she wasn't on stage or in rehearsals, she spent her time being worried about Sandara. At first she believed every word of that letter, but soon started to question every part of it, and also Sandara, of even their relationship in the first place.

But now, she was sure. Sandara was a good person, she always have been. She was… actually the best Chaerin ever meet. But that couldn't ease the pain.

Why the Philippines? Why now? Why didn’t she tell her anything?

Why?

~*~

Why?

She asked that many times.

Why the Philippines?

She had to admit it, that seemed like a pretty bad lie. She lied really badly, but nothing else came to her mind. The time she was writing her letter, she was thankful she previously mentioned her old home country at all to the blonde. This way she will have an excuse for her leaving so abruptly.

She couldn't just admit that she went back to the club. She couldn't make Chaerin worried. The blonde seemed to be very fond of her, which made her really happy, but also made her leaving difficult. If she would just admit the real reason, maybe Chaerin would try to find her and get herself into this whole mess, which Sandara didn't want, of course.

But that letter… it was rather stupid, but she didn't have to much time to write it. The day before the birthday party, when Chaerin went to get a shower, she sat down and quickly wrote down everything that came to mind. It wasn't much, but she had to do it. That night she pretended to fall asleep quickly, so when the blonde came out of the bathroom and layed down next to her, she wouldn't see how her eyes got teary. How guilt was all over her face. Sandara couldn't let her see that. Never.

She just hoped now that the blonde bought her lame lie and wouldn't come here to search for her.

Ever.

Chaerin deserved a good life. She would just ruin her chances.

Or so she told herself that.