Chapter 20

It seemed that opening up to me helped Baekhyun a lot. His nightmares became much less frequent and less intense.

“My psychiatrist said that I’m improving,” he says.

We are seated on a couch at my house, watching a documentary about anglerfish.

“Yes! Finally. If you recover fully then you can compete with me again in senior year.”

Baekhyun snorted.

“I can beat you even now, loser.”

“You wanna go?”

In one swift move, Baekhyun had me pinned down against the couch, looming over me. He was so close I was worried that he could hear my heart pounding.

“Yeah,” he whispered.

We stared at each other for a few seconds before I regained my senses and pushed him off.

“What was that?” I heard him mutter to himself.

I sat in silent horror as Hana’s words about our resonated through my mind. Was this what she was talking about?

“No!” I blurted, standing up.

“What the ?” Baekhyun questioned.

“You-you have to go.”

“Uh--”

“Now!”

“Okay! Jeez, you crazy.”

He hastily gathered his personal items and shut the door behind him. I collapsed on the couch. No no. I could not be thinking these thoughts. I could not be a frivolous teenager with a hopeless crush.

“No! How could I like him?” I wailed.

I had been in denial the entire time, but what happened just then served as a reality check. The way his eyes bore into mine, the way my heart raced, the way his pupils dilated in anticipation, the way I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted him to kiss me so badly.

“No!” I screamed again, clutching at my hair, “stop thinking about him! You hate him you hate him you hate him you hate him.”

I should’ve known better. That never worked.

//

I spent the following weeks avoiding him. I gave his homework to his mom. I didn’t visit him. I didn’t text him. Virtually all contact between us had been severed. If I could keep this up, then my feelings for him would disappear eventually too.

At school, Yejun and Sehun reclaimed their place as the hottest couple. Whenever Hana and I walked past him, he acted like she didn’t even exist. Yejun made sure to rub it in Hana’s face. We were in the same arts class, and she would recount in fine detail about how she and Sehun were so in love.

“ing ,” Hana muttered. But that was all.

By the third week of avoiding Baekhyun, it became somewhat easier.

“Good night, boss!”

I was working a late shift at the diner. Absentmindedly, I checked my phone for messages from Baekhyun before I remembered that I had blocked his number. I stepped out of the store and I bumped into one of the last people I wanted to bump into.

Oh Sehun.

I rolled my eyes and walked on, but he stopped me.

“Myunghee, I need to talk to you.”

“ off!”

“Please, it’s important.”

“Do I look like I give a ?”

“Please, Myunghee, it’s about Hana.”

I stopped resisting.

“Fine.”

He led me to a small barbeque tent and used his fake ID to order liquor. When I asked him why, he said it was because he needed the courage that liquor elicited to talk to me about Hana.

After a few drinks, he started talking.

“I loved her, you know?”

I folded my arms skeptically. I was completely sober.

“Then why’d you cheat?”

Sehun downed another shot of liquor.

“I had no choice. I had to push her away.”

I raised my eyebrows.

“Why?”

Sehun laughed to himself.

“Now that I think about it, it’s completely ridiculous. I took her to visit my mother, and my mother degraded her very harshly, solely because Hana didn’t come from money. Hana’s not very sensitive, but I saw her try to hold in tears.”

He paused to drink another shot.

“I knew that breaking up with her while she was still in love with me would destroy her, so I had to make her hate me. That’s when I devised a plan to get back together with Yejun. That way she’d hate me, and it would hurt less than if she loved me.”

He ran his hand through his hair.

“She’s the best person I know. She was way too good for me, Myunghee, but she loved me anyway.”

Sehun got this sort of far-away look in eyes.

“And I loved her. I never stopped. Not a day has passed where I haven’t regretted what I did. I was so ing stupid, you know? I should’ve come clean to her and try to fix our problems, but I didn’t. I took the easy way out, and now she’s gone.”

He laughed again, it was hollow and broken.

“She was everything good. I’m complete as a human being without her. She made me my best self.”

Sehun finally met my eyes.

“Certain things only come once in a lifetime, Myunghee, and you’ve got to grasp it. Once you miss it you can never get it back, and you’ll regret it forever.”

He stood up, staggering a little.

“Remember what I said.”

I got him into a taxi and handed the driver a wad of cash. I told him Sehun’s address and watched them drive away into the distance. I bused home in a daze, thinking about Sehun’s words. As I rounded the block to my house, I noticed a familiar vehicle parked in my driveway.

Asleep against my front door was Baekhyun, dressed in a fleece hoodie the colour of the night sky.