I sat at my desk, cradling the device. My hands trembled as I pressed play. I set it down as I heard Dr Kim’s voice.

“Hello, Baekhyun-ah. How old are you?”

“Five and a half, sir.”

“Wonderful. What’s your favourite colour?”

“Blue.”

“And why is that?”

“It reminds me of the sky. It reminds me of how big the world is, and how small I am.”

“You’re a very bright kid.”

“My daddy used to tell me that.”

“Really? Could you tell me a little bit about your daddy?”

“Daddy was the best. He always told me he was the best. Daddy loved being the best. Daddy married Mommy because she was the best. She was the prettiest out of all the other Mommies.”

“Wow, that’s wonderful, Baekkie. Did you make Daddy proud?”

“No. Daddy said that I have to be the best, but I’m not always the best in everything.”

“Surely he understands when you make mistakes.”

“Daddy hits me when I place second instead of first. He says I’m worthless. He says that I have to be nothing short of the best. Daddy says he does it because he loves me. Daddy says the bruises will help me remember to be the best next time.”

“Why is it so important for you to be the best?”

“Daddy said that he saw himself in me. He said he knew I was gifted with smarts. Daddy said he was the best when he was my age.”

“Did your daddy hit you...often?”

“Daddy used to, when I was being real bad and I went a whole month without placing first. Daddy used a belt, then. Daddy said it was for my own good. He hit me so hard everything went dark.”

“Where was your mother?”

“Mommy watched, but she couldn’t do anything. Daddy would hit her if she tried to help me. Mommy said not to tell anyone that Daddy hit me. She would cover up my bruises with her makeup. It was fun and nice of Mommy. Mommy is so nice to me.”

“Did your Daddy ever hit your Mommy?”

“I don’t know. I saw him do it, but only once. Daddy had failed his PhD. He blamed it on Mommy and me. Nothing was ever Daddy’s fault. Daddy hit Mommy hard and called her a useless . He didn’t stop until Mommy started crying and ruining her pretty makeup. She threatened to call the police. Daddy said he would kill her if she did. The next morning Mommy covered all her purple spots with her makeup. Mommy said she had to be pretty for Daddy. Mommy loved Daddy.”

“What are your nightmares about?”

“I don’t like talking about my nightmares.”

“It’s okay, Baekhyun. I’m just here to help you.”

“Okay...Mommy said that I was supposed to tell you everything. They're about the car crash that killed Daddy. There is always lots of blood, and Daddy turns to me right before he dies and tells me it’s my fault. He tells me that everything is my fault.”

There was a silence.

“Is it?”

I let out a small sob. I was numb and I had let out a breath I had been unknowingly holding.

This was why it was so important for Baekhyun to be perfect. He was conditioned to be perfect so harshly for so long.

Placing fifth instead of first must have set off his panic attack. That was why he had fallen into depression.

I grabbed my coat as I raced outside. Igniting my engine, I drove to Baekhyun’s house. I had to apologize to him, I had to set things straight. It was four in the morning. I had originally intended to leave the recording for the next day, but I couldn’t sleep.

I rang the doorbell, and the door was thrown open immediately by an anguished Mrs Byun.

“What’s wrong?” I exclaimed, as I took in her teary eyes and disgruntled hair, “What happened?”

“It’s Baekhyun!” She cried, breaking into sobs, “He was hit by a car!”

I stared at her in disbelief. No way. This couldn’t be happening.

“Do you know which hospital?” I asked.

“Seoul National,” she choked.

I led her into my mom’s car as I drove as fast as I could to Seoul National. From then on, everything was a blur. The doctors wouldn’t tell me anything until he was stabilized. I wasn’t a relative, so I couldn’t even see him.

Instead, I sunk down to my knees outside of his hospital room.

“This was all my fault,” I whispered.

This was all my fault.