Ryeowook

I thought,

I thought I was strong. Nothing’s ever been simple in my life. I fought through every obstacle thrown my way, fought those battles on my own. Yes, I cried. Yes, I had thoughts of giving up. But I never did. I was strong, I was brave. Why? How? How could I have been so strong in the past? I never understood how until today, until right now.

I had nothing to lose.

Everything I had done in the past was careless, reckless. I did everything for the sake of others and I convinced myself that I was strong, that I was being strong for them. But it wasn’t that. It was that I had nothing to lose, no one to be afraid of losing. My parents hated me, my brother stopped loving me the way he did and the person I had loved and spent almost years with in America, stopped being by my side. There was no one I could hold onto and no one was holding onto me. But now, everything’s different. I’ve found my family, my best friend and my love. I have everything and I’m not strong, not anymore. My heart, my poor heart is crushed, my hopes and dreams of a beautiful future shattered. I’m not strong, not anymore because my love,

My love, who holds a part of my heart, is dying.

And I am so afraid. I am crushed, I am heartbroken. This person who barged into my life and turned it completely upside down, this man who had me loving him from the first time my eyes laid on him… This person who stole my heart, made me fall head over heels in love with him is now fighting for his life on the other side of the white walls of this hospital and it kills me to know that I can’t be there for him, that he’s in this position because of me.

Kyuhyun is dying. While trying to save me, Kyuhyun was stabbed. Kyuhyun was stabbed by those ing stupid bastards. Right when those bastards realized what they had done, that they might have just killed someone, they made a run for it. I wanted to yell at them, to curse at them but I was too frozen. There, laying in front of me, was an unconscious Kyuhyun in a pool of dark maroon liquid blood. It wouldn’t stop. His blood, the liquid oozed out from his open wound endlessly and I was left there, begging and crying. I shouted for him until the ambulance came, until he was wheeled away into the emergency ward and until I lost my voice. When I couldn’t find my voice any longer, my mournful tears did the screaming.

It took hours before we finally received some news but it did not at all calmed my overwhelmed feelings. The knife, the doctor had told us, had pierced through Kyuhyun’s gut and right into his liver. Kyuhyun lost too much blood and while the doctors were trying to save him, he suffered from a heart failure. They told us that they’re trying, trying their very best to do everything they can to save him but the chances of Kyuhyun making it was little close to none and that whatever happens, we should pray and prepare our hearts.

It’s cruel. It’s too cruel. Kyuhyun was saving me, he wanted to protect me and this happened. The more I think about it, the more the images of his warm body protecting me, hugging me tight and then growing limp makes me sick. Kyuhyun fell against me and his eyes, those beautiful dark orbs met mine just for a split second before they fell shut.

“It’s my fault, it’s all my fault.”

I couldn’t help breaking down again and started sobbing even more when I feel strong arms hugging me close. My brother holds me close and hugs me tight. His rumpled collared shirt is wet with both our tears. Henry shakes his head, sobbing.

“Hyung, it’s my fault. They’re… This happened because of me.” Henry cries, face hidden in my hair. “I’m so sorry, hyung. I’m so sorry.”

I shake my head but I’m unable to speak. As a brother, I know I should comfort him and tell him that it’s okay and it’s not his fault. But I can’t. Not when I’m mad, I’m mad and upset and heartbroken. For once, just once, I want to be mad at someone. I want to blame it on someone. Yes, Henry is at fault for befriending those heartless bastard. Yes, he is the reason why Kyuhyun ended up getting physical with them but… Henry’s not the reason why Kyuhyun is dying and we all know that. Kyuhyun is dying because he was distracted. I was too weak to fight off one of the guys on my own and I needed help. Kyuhyun came to my rescue, hugged and comforted me and when he was not looking, the guy stabbed him. It was my fault. Had I not been such a weakling, had I not need his protection, he wouldn’t be here fighting for his life…

These thoughts keep haunting me, the memories of Kyuhyun previously keeps replaying in my head and the tears from my eyes fail to stop streaming down my face. It’s all too much but yet I can’t stop them. I don’t know how long I’ve been staring, thinking and crying until I feel someone shaking my shoulders. My eyes flutter open and I wince, sensitive to the white lights of the hospital.

“Here you go, sweetheart.”

A cup of warm coffee is pushed into my hands and I look up to a worried Donghae. He smiles faintly, a bandage plastered over his handsome tired face. I nod, my throat too dry to speak. He places another cup he’s been holding onto an empty table and points it to my brother who had fallen asleep due to exhaustion. Donghae takes a seat next to me and I inspect the injuries on his face. He has a cut on the bottom of his lip and his right cheek is bruised slightly. Other than the dried blood on his face and his overly pale skin, he looks perfectly fine and I’m thankful for that. I didn’t know how he was doing before since a second ambulance had picked him up and he had to go get checked before coming to meet us.

“I’ve heard about his condition.” Donghae admits, his hand finding mine. “I’m sorry.”

I nod, still not able to say anything. I take a sip from the coffee and for the first time since I arrived at the hospital, I feel slightly better. I look at Donghae who has his head falling back and his eyes shut in tiredness. I reach forward and touch his cheeks carefully. Donghae is ill and he shouldn’t be here.

“Will you do me a favour, Hae?” I ask, my voice cracking.

Donghae’s eyes lifts as he grabs my hand, intertwining our fingers. “Anything.”

“Go home,” I tell him quietly. “Go home and get some rest. You need it.”

Donghae shakes his head, “You need me more right here.”

I want to argue but Donghae beats me to it, swinging his arm around my shoulders and pulling me closer to him. He pulls me against his chest and I inhale his scent, my hands trapped against his chest. It feels good, so safe and familiar and I close my eyes. Donghae is everything familiar in this unfamiliar place, Donghae feels like home and with him holding me tight, I feel a little centered, a little reassured that things will be fine eventually.

“Hae,”

“Hmmm?”

“Kyu… Kyuhyun…” I take a deep shaky breath. “He’ll be fine right?”

Donghae nods immediately, “He’s strong, Wookie. He’ll fight it through.”

I nod, my tears threatening to spill again. I start sobbing and Donghae holds me close, soft fingers running through my hair soothingly. Donghae whispers to me that Kyuhyun will be fine, that he will fight for his life because he’s strong, that he promises that Kyuhyun won’t leave us, won’t leave me.

“How do you know?” I ask, discouraged. “How do you know that he won’t leave me? What if he won’t make it, Hae?”

Donghae wipes my tears with his thumb. “Because he’s fighting. He’s been in there for hours now. He’s fighting for you, Ryeowookie. He’s fighting for you because he loves you. He’s fighting for you because you love him.”

I look up at Donghae, my eyes wide. “You… You knew?”

Donghae chuckles, nodding. “Of course, I do.”

“I… I’m sorry, Hae.” I look down to my hands, feeling ashamed. “I… I still have feelings for you but-”

“-It’s just not the same anymore.” Donghae continues, still smiling softly. “I know, honey. I know. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” I apologized and my voice broke, “I didn’t mean to hurt you like this, Hae.”

“Ryeowook, you’ve never hurt me. Never have, never will.”

“I knew it the minute you opened the door to his apartment. The minute you opened that door, I saw it all in your eyes. There’s something in them, something I’ve never seen even while you were with me. You… You looked more alive, more… You… You just looked like you’ve found yourself, found your home, like you’ve finally found love.” Donghae pauses and takes a deep shaky breath, “The right kind of love.”

I squeeze my eyes, tightening my hold on Donghae. “I… Hae, I love you. But it’s different. You were the person I relied most when I was in a place I barely knew anything about. I was young and lonely and scared and I had no family there. And then you came along and… You gave me everything but most importantly, you were my best friend. You were my anchor.”

“You’re such a great person, Hae. You pampered me. I was with you for so long that I realized, I started depending everything on you. You were my strength, you were my life. You were the light that guided me through everything and when I came back to Korea, I felt so lost. I was suddenly alone without you. I took a long time but I finally found myself, build myself up on my own. When I met Kyuhyun, everything changed. He was straightforward and did everything firmly. He wasn’t like me. He wasn’t like you. And that was when I realized that all this time I’ve been in love with you was because the both of us are so similar.”

“I love you and those feelings I have towards you have never changed. But at the same time, I can’t lie to myself that my feelings towards Kyuhyun is something raw, something I’ve never felt… Even when I was with you. I keep telling myself that but you have no idea how guilty I’ve felt, Hae. I wanted to tell you this for so long but I couldn’t break your heart and I knew that if you were me, you’d probably still do the same.” I wipe my eyes, my voice cracking. “But Kyuhyun’s dying now and I can’t bring myself to lie to you or myself anymore, Hae. I’m sorry.”

Donghae nods, his smile on his face still as gentle as ever. “I understand, Ryeowook. You’ve found your true love.”

Donghae opens his mouth to speak but is abrupt by my brother who jerks awake. He turns to my brother instead and asks if he’s okay and offers him the coffee he had gotten earlier. Henry quietly thank him and takes the coffee. Donghae then looks between the both of us and excuses himself, telling us that he has to go to the bathroom. When Donghae leaves, I wipe my eyes, squeezing them tight. I feel so terrible but it feels like a huge load has been taken off my chest. I feel lighter now, freer. My heart does not feel as heavy as before. I know I must have hurt Donghae’s feelings but… But it had to be done. I’m not proud of it but Donghae already knows that I’m in love with Kyuhyun and,

Nothing is better than listening to a lie when you already know the truth.

***

Donghae

The doctor who have been working on Kyuhyun bows his head in apology. His eyes are red, exhausted lines etched on his face. He sighs quietly and updates me about my cousin’s latest condition. Nothing is looking good, nothing at all and I fear for what will happen. But I’m not giving up hope. Kyuhyun will make it. He has to.

For Ryeowook, for me.

“Most of Kyuhyun-shi organs have shut down and stopped working because of the severe blood and fluid loss while we were trying to work on him. His heart is unable to pump any blood to the body anymore.”

I stare at him, frozen on the spot. My cousin is not going to make it. He’s not going to live. The doctor starts explaining to me of how and why this happening but I cannot hear anything else. It feels like I’ve shut down myself. It feels like everything is moving around me but I can’t seem to blend in, I can’t seem to move with them. I see blurred images of people walking, of the doctor’s face but nothing makes sense.

My cousin cannot die. Kyuhyun cannot die because if he does… Then Ryeowook will die with him. Ryeowook is in love with him and he would be broken to pieces if Kyuhyun does not survive. He will be heartbroken and I can’t bear to see the sadness in those beautiful eyes. If Kyuhyun dies, it will be the end of that beautiful light in Ryeowook’s eyes and his smile, god, Ryeowook’s beautiful smile will be wiped away and it scares me to think that nothing and no one will ever bring that smile back. Not Sungmin, not his brother, not anyone else and especially… Especially not me. I slump against the wall feeling a sick feeling in my gut. I should be the one inside there, I should be the one fighting for my life. I should be the one dying. At least… At least, Kyuhyun would survive and Ryeowook would be okay despite me surviving or not.

When the doctor tells me that there really isn’t any way to save Kyuhyun, I run a hand through my hair frustrated. Is this really the end? The doctor looks at me apologetically, eyes dancing with a mysterious look. He sighs, grabbing my shoulder.

“Please be strong, ne?” He encourages.

“There has to be a way.” I shake my head, taking a deep breath. “Please, you have to save him.”

The doctor apologizes again and steps around me to head back to the emergency ward. He suddenly pauses and I stare at him, my body unable to move. He turns around, his forehead creased as his eyes meets me. He looks like he’s thinking about something deeply. When he opens his mouth and tells me what I’ve been wanting to hear, my eyes widen. As the doctor continues explaining, I am only able to nod speechlessly. I don’t know how I am exactly supposed to react. My blood feels as if it has run cold.

“Please think about it.” He tells me, before leaving me alone.

I squeeze my eyes shut and rest against the walls of the hospital, feeling as if my soul has left my body. There is a way after all, there is a way to save Kyuhyun. Isn’t that what I had been waiting for all along? For Kyuhyun to live.

For Ryeowook.

I press the bridge of my nose, my body growing weaker than usual. I haven’t had any sleep or had any of my medication and the exhaustion is starting to kick in. I manage to drag myself back to Ryeowook and Henry but I stop myself at the sight of Ryeowook. He hasn’t slept ever since we arrived. He stopped crying, instead only staring into space as he leans his head on his brother’s shoulder. His eyes, his eyes are so red and soulless. The loving look that usually danced in those beautiful orbs have long disappeared ever since he heard about Kyuhyun’s condition. His mouth keeps moving as if he’s silently praying for Kyuhyun.

I never want to see him like that. I love Ryeowook too much. It breaks my heart, it’s shattering me into a million pieces to know that he doesn’t feel the same way towards me anymore. From the first time my eyes laid on his, I knew it. I knew he was the one for me. My love for him was unconditional, is unconditional. But things are different now. Maybe Ryeowook wasn’t really meant for me. Or I wasn’t meant for him. But whatever it was, I learnt the painful way that Ryeowook wa