Ryeowook

“Must the both of you really work on a Saturday?”

I yawn, stretching and Donghae nods, smiling though his face looks paler than usual today. It’s a Saturday morning and I usually sleep in on Saturdays but Donghae and Kyuhyun have to catch up on work. I woke up earlier to make them some breakfast. I stack a few pancakes onto a plate and place them on the table where Donghae is sitting and then prepare him some warm tea.

“You look worn-out.” I point out, worriedly. “Hae, maybe you should get some rest.”

Donghae waves me off and thank me for breakfast. “Aren’t you eating too?”

“Ani, I’m just planning to go back to sleep after this.”

“I’m sorry you woke up just to make breakfast.” Donghae apologizes and I smile, patting his hand while shaking my head.

When I hear footsteps coming from behind me, I get up and see Kyuhyun. Instead of his usual suit he usually wears for work, he’s dressed a little casually since it’s a Saturday and most of his colleagues probably don’t have work today, he’s dressed in a knitted maroon sweater and my heart skips a beat at how handsome he is especially with his wet messy hair and bright glossy eyes.

“Hey,” I call out. “Have some breakfast.”

Kyuhyun shakes his head and I scowl. He’s been skipping breakfast ever since Donghae’s here and I’m all out of cereal bars. He can’t possibly continue to avoid having breakfast every morning because of Donghae! That’s so immature! Stomping to him, I stop across him and cross my arms over my chest putting on my most furious look on my face. Kyuhyun raises his eyebrows, seemingly not intimidated even a little.

“You need to eat something.” I demand. “Have some breakfast now, Kyuhyun.”

“I hate breakfast,” Kyuhyun shrugs.

I cross my arms, impatiently tapping my foot and when Kyuhyun doesn’t move I decide to change my tactic. I uncross my arms and take a step closer to Kyuhyun, running my hands down his shirt and pretending to straighten it out.

“Please eat some breakfast, KyuKyu.”

I purposely blink, my lips and manage the most cutest and innocent pout. Kyuhyun stares at me long and he swallows hard and I purposely let my hands wander down his body, barely touching his crotch area. Kyuhyun suddenly breaks his stare from me and glares at me, leaning down and grabbing my chin. He tilts my head and roughly crashes his lips against mine. I’m waiting but there’s no tongues or teeth. Instead, it’s just lips against lips, his moist warm lips against mine. Kyuhyun grazes his lips against mine again and again and I wish he knows that if he isn’t holding onto me so tight, I think I would have already melted into a puddle of mush.

When Kyuhyun pulls his lips away, I am left with wanting more. He nods, his cheeks growing red and I quickly turn back around to the kitchen to prepare his breakfast. When my eyes catches Donghae’s, I avoid his eye contact, feeling wrong and guilty all of a sudden. When I stack Kyuhyun’s pancakes, I hand it to Kyuhyun and he nods in gratitude.

“Thank you, Ryeonggu.”

Breakfast went by awkwardly and I’m glad that Donghae’s the first to break the silence. He exchanges conversation with Kyuhyun about work and I silently thank god that someone as patient and understanding as Donghae exists. After breakfast, I send the boys off and shuffle back to Henry’s room. But I stop outside his room and sigh, crossing the living room to Kyuhyun’s room, my old room, our room.

It’s funny because I don’t feel wrong or like I’m trespassing someone else’s room when I push open the door and step into the room. It feels warm instead, like I feel like this is where I belong. Everything is in its place and I smile as memories after memories flashes in my mind. It feels surreal that Kyuhyun had been a stranger before this. It doesn’t feel like it because as I lower myself down onto the bed, the familiar musky and sweet scent of Kyuhyun’s usual cologne and shampoo envelopes me warmly and when I close my eyes, I can feel Kyuhyun’s skin against mine, his sweet deep voice whispering beautiful words into my ears.

Hmmm, I miss Kyuhyun.

I don’t even know why but I just miss him. Ever since Donghae’s arrival, we’ve been so distant and I just want to find a time to have a proper conversation with Kyuhyun and spend my nights lying in his arms. I sigh deeply and pull Kyuhyun’s pillows close to me, snuggling in Kyuhyun’s alluring scent.

Why must this be so difficult? Why must Kyuhyun be so difficult? I want to, I want to so much stop thinking about him. I want to focus on Donghae and his health. I want to be there for Donghae, to make up for all the lost time we’ve lost. But the more I try to push myself closer to Donghae, the more I am stuck feeling torn apart and confused. I want to be with Donghae but Kyuhyun fills my thoughts.

When I first met Donghae, I never thought someone as handsome as him could fall for a person like me and when we started dating, I made a promise to myself that I’d do anything, anything and everything, to keep our relationship alive. Donghae was perfect, is still perfect in my eyes even if he’s dying. But then Kyuhyun came into my life and everything’s a mess, a huge tangled up mess. He’s arrogant and rude and mean and way too overconfident. Everything that I am not, everything that Donghae is not. He’s the complete opposite of me but yet, it feels like he…. Like he completes me. Like he’s the missing puzzle piece in my life.

So if it feels like that, then what is Donghae then? Donghae has always been like an anchor to me. While studying abroad, it wasn’t only overwhelming but it was exhausting too. I was in a foreign country with no one else but my best friend who I couldn’t just lean on all the time. Sungmin needed his time alone as well. And then I met Donghae and… Everything feels lighter, everything looks a little brighter. He picked me up and guided me. He brought me out and for the first time ever since I arrived in America, I felt like I could be someone without feeling foreign or scared. Donghae was there, always there for me. In a way, Donghae had crept into my heart and made a special place for him right there. But it feels different now. I like Donghae, I love Donghae but…… But just not in a romantic way anymore.

But… Donghae is dying. I cannot simply up and walk away from him and to Kyuhyun. That’d break his heart and worst, his health could end up even worst and I don’t want to risk that. I can’t bear if anything were to happen to him because of me. I wouldn’t let something as selfish and stupid as my love life get in the way of Donghae’s health.

And so until then, until I can find a way to save Donghae from dying, I’m going to hang on and I hope Kyuhyun hangs onto me too because I think I would die from a heartache if he were to stop loving me.

***

“Oh you’re home?”

I ask my brother, taking a seat next to him while I dry my wet hair with a towel. I fell asleep in Kyuhyun’s bedroom and took a long cooling shower when I woke up. I didn’t expect to find my brother in the living room. He has his feet perched up the coffee table while onto a lollipop, watching a movie. That’s weird, he’s always hanging out with his friends during the weekends.

“No plans with your friends?” I ask, curious.

“Nah,” Henry shrugs. “I’m just going to laze around today.”

Henry shakes his head and focuses watching the movie when an action scene starts playing. I rest back against the couch and smile, shaking my head. Henry’s always has a thing for action movies ever since he was a young kid. The more explosion, the more gruel deaths, the more car chases and violent scenes, the better.

“You’re just like Donghae.” I say chuckling.

Henry turns to me, tilting his head. “What?”

“I mean, Donghae likes watching action movies too.”

“Oh.”

Henry focuses back to the movie and I smile. Donghae’s just like this too when he’s watching movies. I remembered staying up all night just for his silly movie marathon and having him pick out all the action and gory movies when it’s his turn. Granted, Donghae has a bunch of really great romantic films too and I’ve always enjoyed watching them.

When the movie ends, Henry moves and picks the remote from the coffee table and switches the tv off and the both of us sit in silence. My brother suddenly squirms in his seat and turns to face me, calling me awkwardly.

“Hyung,” Henry tilts his head, “I think Kyu hyung’s cousin is a nice person.”

“Donghae?”

Henry nods, clearing his throat. “He seems like he really cares about Kyuhyun hyung’s upcoming meeting and I even had lunch with him once.”

This grab my attention, “You did?”

“Yes, Kyu hyung was too busy so he brought me out to eat. He didn’t eat much though.... He said that he doesn’t have much appetite ever since… Falling sick.”

My smile starts to fade and Henry continues. “I’m sorry, hyung.”

I look up, surprised. “What for?”

“He told me that you were proposed by him but you had to say no because of me. I’m… sorry. He seems like a person who will be able to take good care of you, like he’ll be a good husband for you.”

“Ani, it’s all in the past now.” I smile and pat his head. “Don’t think about it too much, alright?”

Henry nods, still looking like he’s deep in thoughts. “But hyung,”

I look at up him, “Hmmm?”

“Would you have done it if it wasn’t for me? Would you have married him? Do you think you would have met Kyuhyun?”

“Well yeah, I guess. They’re cousins after all.”

“Would you have feelings for him?”

Would I have feelings for Kyuhyun if I were to meet him as Donghae’s cousin?  I blink, my mind suddenly replaying the events of the first time I laid eyes on Kyuhyun in Leeteuk’s café. Henry had accidently spilled his drink on him. Kyuhyun seemed impolite and annoyed when I tried to wipe his shirt. I recalled how I was so flustered when he held my wrist and how his deep voice got me feeling warm and when I caught a glimpse of his eyes, I was… mesmerized. Kyuhyun had me blushing from the first time we met and now that I realized it, the first time I met Kyuhyun…. I was already falling for him. I was attracted to a person I barely knew and his attitude was already cocky enough. I could have hated him, could have pulled away when he touched me bu